EXCITEMENT!!!

After much careful thought and consideration, I've decided to take the Zumba Instructor training course. I want to vomit because I'm obviously nervous but I can't sit back and watch from the sidelines any longer or travel 30 minutes to the nearest class. I have had this itch in my head for 6 months because I know there's a demand for it, it's just someone has to offer it.

I live in a town with a small fitness center and as of right now there isn't a single fitness class being held there. The woman that used to instruct has a full time job now and doesn't have time to pursue a license to officially instruct Zumba. She used to do a class similar and called it Danza but it never took off. She didn't have a specific routine, she made it up as she went along. I was lucky to burn 200 calories in the entire 45 minutes. I want more than that from a fitness class and I know there are women here in this town craving something like Zumba to help them reach their fitness goals. Patti's energy during class was great and she definitely has talent and passion, she's just a busy working mom now. I am not.

So as scared as I am to do something new, I'm so tired of thinking about doing something about it. I watch friends of mine launch out on their own with different things and build their own successes. I have watched my own husband, for the past 6 years, work towards his own goals and reach them. I watch and I envy. Envy is such a sad emotion and really not where I want to be. Yesterday, I thought about where that jealousy is coming from and realized that someone's success has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LACK OF. Ding! I guess I knew that already but when you're stuck knee deep in fear you rationalize your inability to move forward in crazy ways. You make excuses for yourself and make it okay to wait just a little longer.

No one is going to push me over the edge, I have to jump. So I'm jumping. And I'm really nervous but I'm also really happy. My class is on February 4th in Rochester, about three hours away from here! ONE MONTH!! My husband is going with and we are taking the kids to a fun hotel and staying two nights to make a mini winter getaway out of it. And with all the writing off I'll be doing this year with my three businesses - I'll be keeping that receipt!

Anyway, WISH ME LUCK!!

Out straight....

Emily starting a private preschool this year has done me in. It's only two days a week but coupled with family room at the elementary school two days a week, it really fills up my mornings. That and the running challenge as of late. I finished November's without a hitch and managed to trim up a bit so I thought I would keep the momentum going and up the ante some. Instead of 90 in 30 I'm just shooting for 100 miles in December. So far I am 54 miles in and counting, also 5 lbs down! Halfway to my last 10. Which I'm sure I'll gain and lose and gain and lose but that's where I'd like to teeter so I'm okay with that.

Anyway, Christmas is kicking my ass this year, too. I haven't an ounce of Christmas spirit. I am happy for my kids' excitement but I couldn't loathe this holiday more for all it has become and all that it just isn't anymore. I don't like "things", I don't need any new "things" unless you're talking about a new set of boobs that I promise I would take care of and love when the newness has worn off. And since I'm wishing for fixing, if you could just tuck in that cesarean scar just a wee bit....

Yeah, yeah...I know....

Speaking of, have you seen that show Bridalplasty? That's some good reality tv right there.

Not.

Sydney is in the band this year playing saxophone. They played a couple of tunes last night at the holiday concert. They could use a bit more practice. Just sayin'. I had to laugh at all the 5th graders up on stage blowing on their horns and talking to their neighbors. Brings me back for sure.

Emily's holiday concert is tomorrow night, which will be interesting since this is a christian school. I'm looking forward to it because that will also bring me back. I saw many a manger scene in my day. I don't take the kids to a church so this will be a little exposure to religion that they never get, except for Emily at the moment.

Abby is still the most adorable and thoughtful two year old I've yet to meet. I was muttering under my breath while I was vacuuming out the couch about crumbs and damn kids like I do every Monday. As I head down the hall with a handful of dirty clothes she followed behind me and said in the sincerest of two year old voices "I'm so sorry, Mom. It was an accident, okay?". Then she tapped her little hand on my leg to comfort me. I wasn't mad anymore after that. I love her light, I really, really do.

Ever been so tired that you can't settle in for a good night's rest? That's me tonight...I'm hoping that this blogging excursion has done the trick. I'm sorry I don't try harder to care about my writing. I just don't feel like it....but you're here reading so you must want to hear what I have to say. All four of you....

Nosy bastards.

If I don't see you on here before the holiday, Merry F#$KING Christmas and Happy New Year. Arrivederci.

Something worth mentioning!

What a great day I have had today, so much so that I just want to write about it. Make it a memory to look back onto maybe or just saying it out loud makes me appreciate each detail more.

It started out like any other day, alarm clock buzzing my head off. Or actually my body naturally wakes up a few minutes before the alarm but I laze in an out for about 30 minutes. Imagine that? I don't have a lot of those moments so I really enjoy that time to myself.

After that, I wake Sydney up, she hops out of bed every day a little groggy but always in a pleasant mood and happy to tackle the day. Um, thank you? I know she'll be a teenager soon but so far she's a great kid who tests her parents boundaries only so far and is not inclined to really take them to any real limit before she retreats. THANK YOU!!!

Then, I ate my favorite breakfast, english muffin, pb and banana. Soooo yummy and filling. Still no internet to keep me occupied while I eat so I had to enjoy my meal in the living room by the wood stove. Bummer....

Daycare kids arrived, coffee was poured and the morning swing had begun. Still no internet. Guess I'm not logging onto Spark, oh well...moving on. Emily had school this morning so we got ready for that and just hung out until the bus picked the big kids up at 7:45. Then, the girls and I loaded in the van to head to school.

While getting ready I had the bright idea to see if Abby wanted to stay and play at my friend's house this morning while Emily was in school. She said yes! I picked up my friend's daughter for school and dropped Abby off with her little crew. We trade with each other weekly. Sure makes day appointments and treats like a lunch date with Jamie happen a lot easier, it works well for both of us. So...a few gorgeous and well deserved hours all to myself!

I get home, still no internet. Okay, no time wasted there...I'm loving that!

No treadmill running today was my first treat, complete with a new running route to make it interesting. I didn't even bring my shuffle, just me, the cars(they motivate me), and the fresh air. It was great - just a bit over three miles and it felt fantastic! I think I like pre-winter running best, it's chilly, which motivates me to go faster. That cool air glides into my body and I could go on forever and ever and just feel great the whole time. I pushed hard today, it was awesome.

What, no internet?

Then a shower. Uninterrupted, with no one waiting for me, just a hot shower for as long as I wanted. I scrubbed some Wen into my crazy curls and enjoyed the heat after the chilly run. Another perfect 20 mintes, I lingered and just relaxed. It was soo nice.

No internet :)

I had a good hour after left to moisturize and groom a little bit. My fingernails were looking pretty glum and my eyebrows a little furry...I'm loving this extra time today! Pure heaven....well, not the plucking part but now it's done!

The kids are home now from half day of school and they're all playing nicely, some Wii, some dolls, some watching tv lazily in their room. I can't really ask for a better Thursday, tonight I have a sculpt/core/cardio class for an hour with some other strong women and then Grey's Anatomy.

Internet is working beautifully :)

A wonderful threshold to Friday - I'm looking forward to this weekend. Quiet family time with Jamie and the girls. Maybe a babysitter to catch the new Harry Potter flick with Sydney and Jamie. Running - last few days in my challenge. Today marked 78 miles, so that makes four days? I am losing track. Wow!

I leave on Wednesday to see my Mom for three days and I am going sans family. Just me, myself and I and no one to mom, mom, mommy me to death. I can hardly wait to come home to my babies but seeing my mom is going to be special. I want to write something amazing for her, I have ideas, just haven't had the inspiration to sit down just yet. I'm hoping my visit gets the wheels churning.

So a great day, right? And it's only half over. Sheeeyah!

Phew!

I'm on day 24 of 30. Another three mile run lies ahead of me this morning and I'm not loving that. My knee is a little bit sore but I'm doing okay. Last night I hit a Zumba class for something different and Thursday there's a core/sculpting class I attend. Oh, and I joined SparkPeople! A website designed to help you reach your goals, I'm using it for the food tracker mostly and it's been soooo dang helpful. I'm starting to see the last few pounds slowly melt away - this is where I've gotten several times only to get burned out with the intensity of it. I'm focused right now though and may continue this running challenge or do weekly challenges of runs and videos to keep my body guessing. I just have to workout every day for 30 minutes and push myself in that time.

It may sound absurd that I would want to shave off a few more pounds but for me it's really important. I'm not sure exactly why, only that I feel better when my body looks good and I've worked so dang hard for two years it'd be a shame to not push that last bit to get myself in the best shape I've ever been in. The awesomeness that is Spark is that I can eat what I want but there are limitations set. When you don't write down what you're eating it's very easy to get off balance and stuff way more into that hole than you need to. Or at least for me it is. If I have to write it down I'm probably not going to eat it if it's not a nutritious choice. I'll admit I've cheated some but life is for living too. I've got a pretty clear head about what I can enjoy and what I have to set aside and have less often. And also about balance and being happy. I feel happy because I'm in control of my choices and my fitness levels. Happy, not obsessive. There's definitely a difference.

So....72 miles in - the home stretch is here and yet today feels so hard for some reason. I'll be on the treadmill soon and the running will be great, especially afterward. Lately, the running is easier than actually getting started. Funny....
Oh and what's really exciting is that I've shaved 3 MINUTES off my 3 mile run. I was always right around 29-30 minutes because I let myself work only soooo hard. Yesterday, I ran that bastard in 25:28 and it felt amazing and also a little bit painful. :)

On turning four and other things...

Emily! What a great birthday this year has been for her. So many mini celebrations with school and friends, today was her party for one last hoorah! Good bye toddlerhood, hello whatever it is that four year olds are. Because I'll be honest, she's still throwing a considerable amount of tantrums for turning four but I guess we're taking baby steps.

She's not all naughty. I have a sweet, caring and genuine young lady close to my heart and I know that she's going to turn out okay as long as I can keep figuring her out. These days I'm getting better. Today was great for example. She shared her presents with her friends, she gave me a really big hug and told me how happy she was and gave me a heart felt Thank You which in my opinion is pretty tight coming from a new four year old. Those are my moments validating that I'm doing an okay job.

In other news! I've been religiously taking care of my fitness for almost two years but have only really been pushing limits lately. Running is a painful for me to do and all I was doing was jogging and logging. I didn't let myself hurt for very long before I'd ease up the pace where I was comfortable. These days I'm running faster than ever (for me) and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I set a challenge for myself this month to run 3 miles a day for 30 days. At first I toyed with it because it scared me. I tend to fall into things and test the water a few days before I commit to anything. This afternoon I finished my 14th day with 42 miles logged for two weeks of running. I'm still a long way off from the end but I'm taking one day's challenge at a time and not asking anything else of myself. One run at a time will eventually equal the 90 miles after 30 of them.

November already, this year is almost over, a drop in the bucket now. I can't seem to remember any other time in my life where the minutes seem to be racing right along and begging me to keep up. Life is too damn short.

Less than three weeks and I go see mom. Keep this in your happy place in thought land for me if you can. Send me some peace and strength. I'm going to really need it. I have missed her so much but I'm scared. I know it's only a matter of time these days. I know she wants to die now. Once the will is gone, what's left? I know she's lived so many years in pain and suffered a great deal in her life. She say's she just wants to go home and see her Mom and Dad. And she deserves to just rest and never have to take another pill or hurt another minute.

I took a pregnancy test today because I'm over a week late. I've had a tubal but I figure my chances of having that fail - well lets just say I look over my shoulder a lot. It was negative and I am relieved. Neither of us can do that again without a struggle. Three is enough.

So that's it for things tonight. A little scatterbrained but what the hell. Sue me.

I'm mad at you!

For going to work everyday and creating a career without ever really thinking what I'm doing at home to help you get there.

For eating the left overs for lunch and not saying "Thank you".

Because you workout on your own time in a gym with people around you and no one crying for you to wipe their ass or help them with their baby's hat while you suffer through a 3 mile run in the basement.

For not connecting with me when I ask you to and getting mad at me when I tell you gently how neglected I am feeling.

For ignoring my hard work. I don't just work out for me, or for my health. I work out so that you have a woman who likes to take care of herself to hold onto at night, instead you're watching Ultimate Fighter again.

For telling me to eat the cake if I want to eat the cake or that I don't need to work out on Saturday when I've already taken a day off mid week. I need you to hold me accountable sometimes because your support is important to me.

For coming home at 6:30 pm every night to dinner on the table, only to be frustrated and mad with the kids by 7:30 and yelling at everyone.

For being negative about my fitness goals this month. I need you to tell me I can do it, not remind me of the work I have ahead of me.

Would it be so hard to say you're sorry for saying something that hurt my feelings, even when you don't understand why.

Is it too much to ask for you to genuinely give me a bit of gratitude for the amount of work I do to keep this family running? Maybe you could let me know that you realize that I have other goals in life other than just serving you in yours.

Maybe you could tell me that I have done a good job with the house today or that I'm a good mother to our children.

NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME THIS EXCEPT FOR YOU. Everything I do is in your name. All the work, the girls, the house, the bills, the dinners, the hot body? I do all that for YOU!!!

A little appreciation would go a long way.

It's official.

I booked tickets to visit Mom over Thanksgiving. I'm excited for this, it's long overdue. I've never let this much time pass by without visiting her. I love her so much and am so grateful to her for raising me up the way she did. I admire her for who and why she is who she is. I just can't put into words the significance of her presence in my life except for one way.

Mother.

She's my Mother. I love her for everything.

Where do the minutes go?

The next two months are going to fly by for me. Emily's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. After that, 35 year mile marker & 13th wedding anniversary. Half of my thirties are over and can I just say, where the frig did they go? Because I've been feeling like a zombie and in baby mode for a lot of that time.

Emily's 4th birthday. I am so happy to see this milestone arrive and yet each day I look at her and realize how quickly she's grown from a baby to this not a toddler, not yet a kid stage and I get a little pang of sadness. It lasts about a minute and then I start doing the happy dance that EMILY'S GOING TO BE FOUR!!! Fourteen more to go. LOL - Just kidding. She keeps us all on the edge of our seats and we're loving every minute of it. Yeah, every adorable minute.

Just look at her....



Thanksgiving will be particularly busy this year because I'm planning a trip to see my mother in Tennessee. I'm so nervous about this for many reasons. One being away from the kids and leaving Jamie to fend for himself. The second being the worst and that is the potential of this visit with mom being my last real memory of us together. She might even have moments that she doesn't know who I am since dementia is starting to steal her memories through parts of the day. I'm not sure what it'll be like but it certainly isn't going to be easy. I try not to go there in my mind too much because it's like losing her even though she's still here. I can't just stand on the bridge waiting until it's time to cross. It's too painful.

December will be a little bit more lighthearted. I have two small children who are going to freak OUT over Santa and his endless generosity. Okay, so it won't be endless - my check book isn't that big, but we'll have fun. I'll bake, play carols on Pandora and light candles. I look forward to decorating and watching the anticipation build. It's my favorite time of year, children most certainly keep you young if nothing else.

10

I think it's important to throw up a middle finger to the crappy things in life and remember the awesomeness. Here are ten fabulous things in my life that I can not deny are awesome, flaws and all.

In no particular order....

Mail - there isn't a day that goes by that I don't enjoy or love checking the mail and even more now that I have Netflix.

Facebook - I have contemplated deleting my account because it sometimes freaks me out how available and vulnerable I am on there. But there's nothing like feeling connected to people. It means so much to me that I can reach out in one space to family, old friends and people who live far from me. Which is basically everyone I know except my family.

My daughters (I said, NO PARTICULAR ORDER!) Doesn't this just go without saying? I love my kids so much it makes my bones ache. I can't imagine a day without them and when they grow up and wander from my nest life will be a lot less colorful. They make everyday a rainbow. And also a tornado, but remember, this is about the positive in my life :)

Memories - mine are precious and dear to me. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, amazing memories. I just don't care what they are, I need to remember them because they left marks on me and I am woven uniquely and awesomely because of them.

Flannel sheets - it is nearly November in upstate New York. Need I elaborate any further?

Sisters - I grew up in a separate house and still. There are ebbs and flows at times with both of them. Sometimes we grow a little further apart than we'd like but sometimes we're as close as peas in a pod. I love them more now than I have ever in my lifetime and I'm a better person because they love me unconditionally.

Coffee talk - for the coffee and the talk. Girlfriends are a good part of life.

True Blood - this show gives Jamie and I something to watch together. It's raunchy and gross sometimes but intense and fun. We both really like it and it's nice to have something that is just for us that the kids are definitely not allowed to watch.

Pumpkin Bread - I'm kind of addicted to making this bread, so moist and delicious. I love, love, love a little toooo much.

Jamie - can't make a list of good stuff and not include my best friend. It's not always about romance and flowers but it's always about love and commitment. I get mad at him sometimes but he is who I want to spend my forever with.

For what it's worth...

I went to see a psychic medium tonight. Her name is Cindy Newcomb and I have to say that the experience was worth the overpriced admission ticket. The party was held at a friends house and only 12 people were allowed to attend the intimate party.

I went there for entertainment value first and didn't expect anything major to happen; I've been to these types of gatherings before and never really got what I was hoping for but tonight was different. My father, who passed when I was three years old, spoke through her this time. Interestingly enough, and probably the reason why I am writing this at all, he said that he read the things that I wrote about him. At first I didn't really think about this little blog I have wasting away in cyberland and then I remembered!! I have written here and there about him and the impact his death has had on my life right here on this blog! Now she has my attention. She then asked if cardinals meant anything to me and I about fell out of my chair. I see them all the time. I mean all the time, several times a day even. He told her that he sends them to me. She also asked if I sing and that he thought that I should sing more.

It wasn't as intimate as I had hoped and then it hit me. Why would it have been intimate? We don't know each other at all. There was absolutely no relationship there to reminisce, I don't even have a single photograph of him and I together. It was exactly the experience I would have had if he were still alive and we had just met. That made me feel better, he was polite and waited his turn and didn't overwhelm me with stuff that would have made me sad. He said that he watched over my babies and spoke of Emily and how she was a little hard to handle (Cindy used the word tsunami) but that he really liked her and that we need to leave her alone because she is just fine. He thinks she's a cute as a button. Funny they share the same sign. Maybe she's got a little of her grandpa in her, who knows.

All I know is, although my wallet has a little less money in it, I am pretty sure that the moments I shared with my daddy tonight will stick with me for years to come and every time I see a red bird stealing crackers from my girls' picnic table I will smile a little wider knowing that an angel that I never got to meet is watching over me and my girls.

Rainy Day Woman

Our weather has been so perfect lately that I've almost craved a long rainy day. One of those days where it never starts to let up for anything. Rain, rain go away kind of day. Today is my new friend's birthday. I had her and her younger kids over for lunch and ice cream cake. It was a fun but crazy time because all of the kids were in crank mode. One right after the other, each took their allotted time to bawl and cause a fuss. Abby was first which surprised me because she's always so happy go lucky.

I am humbled in light of my new friend. A single mother to four young children. An abusive asshole for an ex who loves nothing more than to ruin her day. Bad situation all around and there's no where to breathe. I'm just speechless when confronted with the notion that could be me and not her. Nothing saved me but luck. And nothing will...gives me chills the pressure she's under. I do whatever I can do to help. It's teaching me and that is a good thing. Another one of those lasting friendships in the making. Or so I hope. Girl needs a good break and I can't say I haven't had mine. Pay it forward is the most rewarding thing to do. We're helping each other anyway. I've been wanting a friend who had lots of time like me that I could hang and share life with while my husband works and she seems like the perfect choice.


So that is good right? I'm busier, and have less time to myself but that was kinda the point I imagine. Anyway, things are great.

And now for some really freaking rad pictures of my garden. Yes, I planted this mostly by myself and I am A W E SOME! I can't help it.

I couldn't have planned it better if I tried.

Memorial Day weekend was absolutely perfect. We have had more time relaxing and enjoying the nice weather than we've had as a family in a long time. I feel so relaxed,rejuvenated, exhausted, all of it but incredibly satisfied with my family and the manner we spent our holiday.

It started Friday night with an evening out singing with Frankie. We practice every Friday evening after the man gets home from work. It's an awesome night to practice because I'm usually ready and fit to be tied by the time Friday night rolls around, it's a great way to blow off steam and get ready to face the weekend craziness. I was back in by 11:00 pm. Unheard of because I love to stop off at my dive just down the way for a few beers and some tunes. There wasn't much going on there so I left early and found the man still awake and ready to hang out for a while. I was pretty happy to see his excitement and I treated him to a fried snack and some light conversation right before we ended up having some much needed connecting time alone. It was an awesome ending to a great evening.

Saturday was great, no chores day we decided, lunch out and evening dinner was light and easy. We relaxed in the sun and had another perfect night followed by more connecting time for Jim and I if you get what I mean there. This day wasn't going down in history as the best but the weather was perfect and the mood was very calm and relaxing thanks to many hours of reggae on Pandora. So yeah, another awesome day.

Sunday started out the same. We had a great morning with the kids. Early afternoon the babies napped. At the same time. I felt like I was winning the freaking laundry for crying out loud. I made a pie for dinner at a friends and a small veggie plate to share. We spent the late afternoon and evening visiting and enjoying their adorable kiddie size swimming pool. All the kids went hog wild and we all enjoyed a couple of cold ones and good conversation. The food was great, the company was better and at the end the pie was fabulous, vanilla cream, baby! Sydney brought her friend home to spend the night and we finished it off playing wii for a while and just enjoyed a late night with the kids.

Monday met us with the same tone and we just couldn't get over it all. Lots of chores were finished up, things we've put off for weeks. It was really nice. I made a delish pizza for lunch from scratch. Can I just say that I think I've found my crust for life? And that I kicked the pizza makers of the world's ass with my creation today? Just sayin'. The girls took another nap at the same time and I was beginning to wonder what deal was made with the devil and when it was to be cashed in because that was the only explanation that made any sense. Seriously? Naps two days in a row for the both of them at the same time? NEVER HAPPENS!

Our garden is growing magnificently and we had the most perfect weather for 4 days straight. Tonight it's drizzling outside and cooling off the ground. It was just the perfect weekend. I couldn't have asked for better anything. I will come back to this memory and post again sometime soon to remind myself that life has it's rewards and blessings :D

Absence makes the heart grow.

Crazy how a little vitamin D has hoisted me back up among the sane. Turns out I was a little low even two weeks ago so I bet you a million the winter did a number on me. All that aside, there is still inner growth and awareness that I'd like to continue to nurture. The journey still proceeds, some days at a slower pace than others. I am still trying to be more mindful of the conversations I'm having and learning to listen to what people have to say. There are times when the excitement gets the better of me and I can't keep my big mouth shut but otherwise I'm doing pretty well. There are lots of times where I think of it during a conversation instead of after and that is called progress!

I have gotten closer to a new friend I'm sure that I spoke of here before. I was hesitant to push myself on this person because I felt like it might not have been the right fit but lately things are going well. We're more alike than I had originally thought, though she does indulge in the darker side of things which isn't great for me but I'm staying grounded. In return, I bring out the healthier side of her by coaxing her to workout with me. Win, win!

I have most of my garden in. We are slow to get it planted this year but our peas are amazing already and we have beets, carrots and lettuce sprouting. Today I dug and tilled by hand two more big rows and threw in some broccoli and spinach. I am really hoping to be productive in harvesting and cleaning up the food we grow so we can make the most of it. I would love to freeze and can a ton of things since food is getting more and more expensive every day. My grocery bill is KILLING me right now!

Singing is going well, although the contest I was in brought me nothing. Well I can't say nothing, since that is how Frankie found me. I got what I needed from that this year and Frankie and I are practicing once a week now. We have one set tight but need to get working on more songs so we can fill up our gigs with no pressure. I can't complain since we've only put about 5 hours into the 15 songs we have now. Nothing crazy exciting coming out of this but I will get to sing and perform. I can't think of anything else I'd rather do on my spare time than sing. She and I are really compatible together singing as well as socially so it looks very promising. Now if we can just get a booking and we'll be golden. Soon, I hope!

I have a little update on my brother for those of you who read this and know his situation. He's doing well for himself considering he's in jail and I have to say that he's taking a lot of opportunities and making the most of them. He's very close to his GED and will be taking some official carpentry classes, which he's basically done as a trade since he was 14. He has been taking care of himself and working out like crazy. Normal for inmates I guess but I'm just happy that he's making the most of his time in. The counseling he'll get there will take care of his requirement to get his license back and when he gets out he'll be way further ahead than when he went in so you could say prison catapulted him towards a few goals he's been shoving under a rug and ignoring. I'm proud of him. I hope that when he is out this fall that he can take his new found freedom away from Tracy and get himself into a job that will give him something to work towards. I would love for him to find a nice girl and a life of his own maybe even a family.


In other news, Abby turned 2, Sydney has nearly completed elementary school, Emily has uncontrollable emotions that send her into demonic states of rage. Oh, wait, that isn't news! Never mind that. The rest is true though. We are reaching lots of milestones here. I am proud of my family, the girls are a huge blessing and I will make it through puberty with each and every one of them. That is called wishful thinking. Whatever works!

Dos vedanya! Until I get another twenty minutes to sit and purge as much as possible so you will keep coming back to read about my ridiculous life. :) Just another day.... (I have tried to write something a gazillionjillion times, but I have a case of the toddlers!)

Speaking of....Abby wants a peanut butter sammich!

Something in a Sunday

Sunday is an either way day for me. I either feel amazingly close to all my family and friends or the loneliest of lonely. More often than not it's the latter. I think Johnny Cash sang it best... (Kris Kristoffereson wrote the song - man, he wrote some good country tunes, no?)

"On the Sunday morning sidewalk,
Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cos there's something in a Sunday,
Makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothin' short of dyin',
Half as lonesome as the sound,
On the sleepin' city sidewalks:
Sunday mornin' comin' down."

I've had this talk a million times with my sister. About how hard Sundays are for the both of us at times. I was reminded when I saw a FB update of one of my friends. Sunday's seem to be the hardest for her right now too.

When I think long and hard on these sad Sundays, I feel rather grateful in a guilt filled sort of way. What makes me so worthy of a healthy family, a great husband and all the love I could possibly hope for? It's hard accepting that gift sometimes. I'm the kind of person who wants it all for everyone. It's incredibly difficult for me to watch someone go through life with less than what I have and not try and fix it. It's frustrating to me that the rest of the world doesn't feel the same. We should all have equal everything. Why does one person deserve to have riches beyond measure and another struggle just to have a strange bed to sleep in at night?

Now I'm sad again. Something in a Sunday I guess. I wish I could do more for people who need and deserve it. I wish Life were a little more about fair and a little less about luck.

Spring time is the right time!

I love Spring. It's always such a refreshing change to feel the warmth of the sun and see colors come to life. In fact, I had a crocus bloom in my front yard the other day and I knew it wouldn't be long before I could enjoy the outdoors with the girls more often. We are putting up an addition to our swing set we have now that has a slide and a sand box. I hope they like it.

I've got a new development in the friend category. I've been keeping up with the family room at school and I'm finally starting to make some headway with the new friends. There has been more sharing and outside activities to go along with our group play at school. The other day a some of us got together and went for a walk with our kids and we have another scheduled this morning after the girls' gymnastic play session. I've invited another girl to go on my nightly runs because she seemed interested in getting in better shape. So we'll see if that pans out. I really like her company, I tend to be a little eager for her but I know after time passes that she will begin to trust and realize what a loyal friend I am.

So yeah, I'm doing it! It's not easy finding a place in a small town like this. You're always going to be that person that moved here a few years ago because EVERYONE is related in some way, shape, or form. They either married one of the "relatives" or are one of them. I am confident, though, that over time, a shift will happen. I don't need a huge network of people but a few close friends would be great.

I can't wait to churn up our garden. Soon! It will be so nice to get some dirt under my fingernails and tend something other than children. I am worried though, last year we had a bit of blight, er, a lot of blight. I'm worried those spores are going to pop up again this year. I might need to do something about my tomatoes, maybe create a new bed for them or something. I have read that you shouldn't plant them there again for a while. I guess some research is in order.

Emily is in a bit of a naught(ier) stage these days. She's always been a bit on the intense side but lately her tantrums are driving me to drink. It's been a little ridiculous lately. She's not quite 3 1/2. So I guess I had better buckle my seat belt and take it one day at a time. Or one tantrum at a time. There are many in the course of a day. Usually when they're developing too quickly intellectually, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to hold their shit so to speak. Any little thing triggers her and there's no reasoning with her. She can't control her emotions and she can surely get some pissed off. She's loud!! I will work harder on raising her than Abby and Sydney combined I do believe. My husband and I joke that Abby came along for condolences. For both my husband and I, but Sydney too! She get's to have her as a sister and I am not so sure how fulfilling that will always be.

Abby? Is an angel from heaven. Yesterday she peed on my couch and when I scolded her she just flashed those long lashes around with her sparkly eyes and said "sorry". It softened the blow slightly but pee on the couch sucks.

Have I blogged about my singing? I can't remember. Anyway, after a night of karaoke a woman approached me to join her duo. We met last Saturday and have a pretty good sound together. I do believe this is going to turn into another "something" for me to do that gives me a little less mother and a little more Europa. Which is awesome!

That's about the size of it all these days. I'm still not clouding my thoughts with puff the magic dragon, though I would say some days I could use a little help from my friend. I do feel like a new woman since putting that to rest. It just doesn't suit me to do that all the time. I would like to find a good balance of recreational use but maybe I'm not capable of that right now.

Either way, things are definitely better than the place I was a month ago. February is a sad month for me every single year. Is that why I have so many celebratory days? Anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day? It's all in February. The presents soften the blow some. Especially the garnet earrings Jamie gave to me :)

On challenging yourself.

My brain has been sucked right out of my head over the past few years. Several reasons stemming from the same bed of flowers. Two pregnancies, two babies, three years of intermittent sleep. I was drowning in diapers, binkies, and laundry. I'm still drowning in laundry but what a difference it makes having one potty trained and one on the way. I remember changing 5 or 6 poop diapers practically every single day. I never want to revisit those days again. I can't even imagine how octomom must feel on any given day. Or maybe she has her other 45 kids change all the diapers, who knows.

What happens when one is consumed with the mundane tasks life throws at us is our brains don't get fed as often. I read one book maybe. I read mom blogs and other ramblings on the internet but nothing that fed me or challenged me to understand something that was beyond my reach intellectually. I'm beginning to remedy that.

My husband's aunt is an avid reader. I really admire that about her and love to listen to all of her wisdom which she acquires mostly through reading. Whether it be her coveted vocabulary or just her knowledge in general, I'd like to be more like her in that regard. Also, I enjoy a good storybook and love the escape it gives you when you're peering into the writer's creative world. Perhaps if I could up my reading skills I might be able to better comprehend other more technical writing or find a fever for current events. Who knows.

You have to begin somewhere so I've been allowing myself some time with books lately. Some are just simple self help type books that challenge the way I think about life. Another book I've taken a liking to is a little more challenging and I am finding that I really enjoy taking the time to read a paragraph that might be a little out of my reach and figure out what it's trying to say. Albeit slowly. :)

I like that I'm doing this and it makes me happy. I would like to live up to my potential and this is just one way of doing so. It feels great to try new things and instead of giving up, enduring through something and teaching myself to understand. I wish I had realized when I was young that learning was so important, that challenging yourself meant something. I guess it is just another part of my family's culture, being labor type folk. They didn't really concern themselves with higher learning. There are only a handful of high school graduates from my aunts and uncles and even fewer college graduates through out my entire family.

I like changing my mentality. I enjoy proving to my family, and to myself, that we can be different. That diligence and dreams pay off. That we're capable of achieving more than just getting by.

So, I'm feeding my brain and it makes me happy.

Something great is happening here.

I have definitely felt a shift inside myself. A long time coming if you ask me. We moved here five years ago and since then I've waited for something to happen but nothing ever really took shape.

Wonder why? Within 15 minutes of meeting everyone I dropped the information that I wasn't here for the long haul. We were here for Jamie's graduate work and moving on. Who in their right mind would bother to take the time for someone who seems closed off right out of the gate?

I do give myself some credit. I joined the PTA and tried to get involved there, but again, I wasn't talking or sharing the right parts of me. I encouraged Sydney to join Girl Scouts, but yet another wash in terms of finding a place for me. The group of women involved in both groups were definitely not the people I was supposed to be with I don't think. There weren't any connections there and it all felt very forced. I wasn't completely at fault, but I admit I didn't try very hard after feeling that initial sting of rejection.

Since joining the ladies at the Family Room inside the elementary school my daughter attends, a whole new world has opened up for me. A world with friends in it!! I can't even begin to describe what a relief this has been. I still have work to do with regards to building relationships but we're getting there. I am still working on listening more and not dominating a conversation. I try really hard to be thoughtful when I'm there but sometimes my mouth gets the better of me. Not in an ignorant way, just a little too enthusiastic perhaps. People want to know me, but first they want to share themselves and I'm so eager to share myself that I get a little ahead of the game.

I also have a bit of other news to share! News that I have been thinking about non stop since the weekend.

I missed out on a trip to visit with my mother last week that has been planned for a few months. Figures the weekend I picked to go would be the time we get the one big storm in our neck of the woods for the entire winter. All my flights were canceled. Good news is I can reschedule without paying any fees and I think Tennessee might be a lot more inviting in April or May anyway.

Instead of wallowing for the weekend and feeling sorry for myself I decided to stay positive and make other plans. Luckily, my mother in law drove up to help my husband with the girls while I was on my supposed trip. She was here to watch our girls for us. I got to go out and compete in a karaoke contest with my husband to cheer me on! I was amazed at the boost in my confidence level knowing he was there to watch me. I didn't win, but close! I missed the top prize by only 1 point, but I qualified for the big contest the end of April which has 5 cash prizes ranging from $500.00 - $100.00 and a top prize for a trip to VEGAS!!

I was bummed that I missed out on the $100.00 prize for the evening, but not so much because the winner sang a wicked tight Sublime tune and although my vocals were better (said by everyone there), his performance was pretty sweet. Both my husband and I really enjoyed what he brought to the evening.

In the end, the night ended up being pretty fantastic actually. Jamie and I haven't been to a place like that together in a very long time and we both enjoyed it a lot. Plus the most amazing thing happened that night! Another woman approached me and gave me her demo CD to listen to and asked if I was interested in joining her in forming a duo. I took a listen the next day and gave her a call. She has all her own equipment and she plays small gigs a couple times a month. The person she sings with now has too much going on and she'd like to work with someone different, ME!!

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect arrangement. I don't want to be in a high stress environment with a bunch of dudes in a band. I want low key, I want to sing, and I want people watching me! haha. Yes, I want to showboat a little and gain confidence, who doesn't want to share what they're good at? If you don't use your talent you get rusty so I couldn't be more excited about the possibilities of this opportunity. If it works out well I could get out a few times or more each month and get to do what I love. AND MAKE MONEY at the same time!!!! :)

So I'm happy, it wasn't how I pictured myself using my talent years ago, but it is what will work for my family and for me right now. So in my book that is nothing short of amazing.

Keep it in the family.

I know everyone has their burdens, their skeletons, their crosses to carry. Some people come out the other side with minimal injury, some people spend a lifetime living the same cycle over and over because changing doesn't seem possible.

My sisters and I have all struggled to become better mothers than ours was. It doesn't mean we don't love her or appreciate her for what she tried to do, just that she really wasn't equipped. We don't want our sons and daughters to struggle in the same ways we all have and so it's our mission to educate, talk, love, listen, help in whatever ways we are capable of. We support one another and talk about the job we're doing. Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses, but I'd say the cycle of silence and ignorance is over. The buck stops with us and I especially will be damned if my girls are ever faced with raising themselves because I can't be bothered.

One person who hasn't grown with us in this way was our brother. Our Michael. The one who got lost in the shuffle. The one who decided that escape was a better choice for him. I imagine one reason was because he's a boy and didn't have the same maternal pull we had to clean up our act and change for our children. That is a powerful emotion that courses through your veins, nothing can sever that bond a mother has with her child. It's powerful, instinctual, the very basis of what makes a woman the nurturer.

When he became a father at the age of 15 he wasn't any where near armed with the grit he needed to be the provider and protector of his son. When he became a father he was a scared little boy in a young man's body but hadn't a clue what was needed or expected of him and he let that role wash away with the tide. It was easier. He knew he couldn't be who he needed, or he thought he couldn't. Which is where I'm really going here.

My brother hasn't had a single person believe in him I don't think. I am just really understanding this now because I've taken such a long time to grow myself. It's been such tedious work that I hadn't really thought much about Michael. I forgot about his heart and how he must feel so beaten down. Our mother tried to do her best by him, he was her baby boy, but our step father was hard as nails on him. I think mirroring his own father perhaps but it really fucked Mike up.

Since I can remember, he's always being the butt of all the jokes. The loser who wouldn't amount to anything. He took cues from the rest of the world and started to use humor as a way to deflect the pain the ridicule must have caused him in his life. He drank, acted stupid, and people laughed. The only time it seemed people liked him was when they could laugh with him, or at him. He could face the world and feel welcomed was when he was partying with them. Which sucks so many different ways from Sunday if you ask me. Once he was picked on at a party so bad that people threw him in the fire. He wasn't badly injured physically that day but what about emotionally? With each incident, each haunting laugh echoing through his mind, what happened to his spirit? It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it.

When he was real young he had friends, misfits like himself who drank and acted rowdy. Boys will be boys. One night he and two of his friends were tooling the neighborhood, drinking and probably smoking pot. Their car left the road and when it flipped over, one of his friends was thrown from the car. Wwhen the car stopped turning it landed on his friend and was crushing him. Three boys having the night of their life and suddenly the earth stood still. The other friend, Russel, and my brother tried to lift it but couldn't so Russel left to get help. Meanwhile my brother sat there with his friend and watched over him, pleaded with the car to move, lifted and tugged and pulled with all his 13 year old strength and eventually watched his friend die.

Powerless.

Weak.

Utterly destroyed and left to blame himself for the rest of his life.

He couldn't lift the car, he couldn't get help fast enough, he couldn't save his life. He was just one big fuck up who couldn't do anything right.

Our father died the exact same way except it was a tractor that took his last breath away. It took his life and took the father that we all needed away from us. Each of us, voiceless, no say in whether we got to have a dad or not. We didn't get to know if he loved us. Mike needed him as much as we all did and then some.

So ironic for him to be sitting there powerless while his friend died the same way our father we never knew died. I wonder if he thought of him while he sat with David during the last hour of his life. I doubt it but still I wonder. It only occurs to me as I write, the coincidence of it all.

Wow.

And these little pieces of Mike's tragedy are just tiny fragments of the losses he's suffered. The pain that he must feel and always he has picked himself up enough to continue on another day. Maybe to drink another day, maybe to be stoned another day, but always another day.

No one got him counseling for this I don't think. I was only 11 when this took place, but I remember my grandmother coming to me and telling me what happened. I felt sad but I had no idea the gravity it held at the time. Children don't understand those types of difficulties for a reason. Perhaps it is God's way of protecting us from the darkness of life. Either way, I wish that I had visited this again with my brother later down the road, but I didn't.

And now I'm sorry, but I'm making up for it in other ways.

Mike has been given a wonderful opportunity under the worst of circumstances. He's in jail. There's no where to run, there's no booze to hide behind and he's managing to keep away from pot even though it's available to him. He's afraid to lose good time and he just wants out as soon as he can.

That isn't going to happen for another 9 months and two years following his incarceration he will be on probation with two years of prison hovering if he screws up.

Last week his girlfriend, who in my opinion is just a white trash hoe bag slut anyway, with her own set of baggage and problems, kicked him to the curb. I couldn't be happier. I'm taking full advantage of his misfortune and convincing him it's good fortune instead. Full access to free counseling which he'll need to get his license back, GED classes to finish his high school education, all tucked away in confinement where his meals and room and board are provided. I keep convincing him to accept his fate and make the very most of this time to get his shit together. I'm reminding my sisters every day to do the same. It's Mike's turn to change his stars.

He is the kindest, sweetest, , funniest, most generous person I know and I love him so much. I just don't want him to feel that pain in his life anymore. I don't want him to listen to the voice inside that tears him down. I want him to find happiness and a life with someone who will believe in him. I believe wonderful things are in store for him if he lets his light shine. As corny as that sounds, it's true. Everyone has blown it out over and over again for one reason or another but I'm hoping to put a blow torch to that son of a bitch and put a strong fortress of support around him. In this one moment, everything could change if we all work together.

I am my family's beacon. I believe this with all my heart. I think because of my bravery, I will help those willing to change their lives. I have been told twice in the past year that I was a healer. Once by a self proclaimed healer and once by a respected psychic in our area. I believe this now even though others may laugh or mock me. When the healer spoke to me last year I told him that I didn't know what he meant or what I was supposed to heal. I kind of chuckled and chocked it up to being something silly someone told me once. He told me then that when the time was right I would know what I was going to be used for. Well now I think I know.

I think I'm supposed to help people heal their hearts. I'm going to start with Michael's if he'll let me.

Dear Universe, Are you trying to tell me something?

I don't know if I can even put my experiences from just this one morning into words. It has been one hell of a day.

I'll start with one of the goals I have set for myself lately. I don't want to yell at my kids and show extreme impatience because I don't like that mom. I am not going to be that mom and the only person who can keep that mother at bay is ME. So I have been on a quest to breathe and relax when I get upset because that is what grown ups do. We take the hard right over the easy wrong.

Let me tell you right now, it's as if the universe is connected right to my very soul right now because I have been given many opportunities to be calm and take it in stride this week. I have been given trigger after trigger to face and I haven't passed every single test but I have passed enough that I know it's possible for me to be who I want to be with careful and thoughtful decisions.

This morning it seemed like one thing after another and each were little tests to my commitment to change. I handled everything really well and was feeling so proud of myself. And then another test.

The reason I had to revisit some hurtful memories this week was because my alcoholic aunt decided it was her mission to save someone else by sharing a personal part of my life with them while she was drunk. Her intentions - I truly believe were innocent. She's a drunk, she doesn't think clearly when she's inebriated. She spins little webs of excuses and lies to make herself feel better for all the pain she has suffered and caused in her life. So I give to her forgiveness for that reason. I didn't confront her, I just let it go and let the rest play out and let the cards fall where they may. All the while focusing on my own life, my goals, and the obstacles I'm facing here. I knew if I did approach her it would be in anger, and I would say unhealthy, hurtful things that did nothing but fuel a raging fire that is out of control.

I am proud of that decision for one reason. I didn't try to clean up a mess because I felt like I had done something wrong, or lash out in anger to seek revenge because I knew it would hurt me even more. Wait, that's two reasons. Neeeevermind...moving on.

Instead, I wrote a heartfelt letter to the other party this gossip involved and confided that I believed in him and to take this opportunity to dig out the skeletons and help himself find peace within. I love this person so much that I would do anything I could if it meant that they could have the same lucky breaks I have had. I want so bad for him to be happy because he deserves it. Everyone does. It's just a matter of believing it and taking the steps to fix what is causing you problems in life.

Today, however, was the day that I was to be confronted. She called while I was out testing my patience and grabbing some groceries with my two youngest girls because I'm going way on Thursday to see my mother in Tennessee for four days sans my family. In an effort to thwart off any guilt I am making sure it's extra easy on those left behind. Anyway, she left a message on my machine to the effect that she knew I was home and just avoiding her but if I wanted to talk about what happened I should call her.

So I gave myself some time to grab my confidence and took her up on her suggestion. Not in anger, not in disgust. She hasn't accepted that life can be better if she let the truth in and had the strength to beat her demons, that she was in charge of her life not the liquor. Much like I feel sometimes when I allow self pity and regret to take over. So I empathized. Which is SO HEALTHY! Okay, I know I'm patting myself on the back here but my family history is so damned ugly that most would run for the hills and write off their childhood as a loss and tuck it away without really facing the issues. So I'm proud of myself. I can't help it.

She started the conversation pretty defensive and I remained calm despite not understanding her point of view (heh). I spoke up for myself and explained that while I understand where she was coming from, she spoke of something that wasn't her business, and not in a way that would warrant her to do so. She was drunk. Just that alone makes it wrong for me. It just does. This information she shared is so personal and painful that I have spent years, YEARS trying to forgive myself and others involved so that I could move on and live my life without the constant stream of thoughts in my mind that scream "You are a piece of shit, no good for nothing, never going to amount to anything human being that deserves to die." These are the things I hear every day, the comments I fight against because my girls need a healthy mother. I will break this cycle if it is the last fucking thing I do.

She apologized, I accepted. The story continued and I was as honest with her as I could be. She admits she's an alcoholic and she was wrong to share my pain in the way she did. When I asked her why she continues to live this life she replied with, "because I like the taste of beer". Okay, so I guess you're not ready yet then. I did gently remind her that she is alone for a reason and that she could ask anyone she knows in her life whether or not they believe she puts alcohol before anything else in her life and they will all tell her the same thing. I told her that I loved her and hoped that someday she would do right by herself and become clean. That we all loved her, but we didn't love her behavior. She made a hundred different excuses for herself and I resigned that I had said my piece and that was ALL I could do.

I did all of this from such a calmest of places inside of me. I can't explain it any other way than to say that my angel was just there embracing me and holding me so tight so I could be strong and hold it together. I cried here and there but I said what she needed to hear because most people in her life are so over her that they won't even give her the time of day to plead with her anymore, that includes the countless ex-husbands and four children she has. She has pushed every single person out of her life but her mother.

I did the right thing today. And not only that, I remained calm in the eye of the storm when Emily through a major tantrum when I was at my lowest point after the phone call had ended. So for that I thank God, or the Universe, or Mother Earth, or whatever power was hovering over me because it was definitely there holding me up so that I could be a voice for them. The messenger, the helper, the healer. I did it. And I feel so good about it and regardless of the consequences of my actions I did it.

I took the hard right over the easy wrong.

I think I can do this!

On Mondays and Wednesdays we have playgroup at the school. Emily finally feels comfortable enough there to throw a tantrum (that was awesome! heh). But that isn't what this is about.

I don't get a lot of social interaction so these times are some of the only opportunities that I have to practice really connecting to other women. I didn't start going until this year and probably the main reason why I am so inept in social situations these days. I'm not sure I've always been such an introvert but I do know that the behaviors I'm looking to change right now have always been there. Again, all innocent, but still unfavorable.

I caught myself when I was about to interrupt and guess what a new friend was going to say. Turns out I was off base anyway so I was really happy that I didn't dominate and just listened to her instead. It felt good to be actively aware of myself and making a true effort to change the way I do interact in social situations.

There is another woman there who I enjoy very much and would like to become better friends with. Her patience with the three small children she brings to play (two are hers and one she babysits), the constant smile on her face despite some real difficulties she is facing being a newly single mother to 4, she inspires me to be better with my own kids and to be grateful that I have someone to depend on when days are tough. I am trying to find a way to be part of her life but I'm not sure she's looking or needing a new friend. She knows everyone here and already has a full roster of friends. I feel awkward and often put my foot in my mouth by saying things that are meant to be nice but come out as insensitive, or my paranoia sets in and it's neither. I suppose some patience and understanding are in order here. I can't control the situation and make her be my friend but if it is meant for me to be part of her life, if there is something for me to offer her than it will be.

Patience isn't my virtue of virtues. I've been so lonely for the past 5 years that it is very difficult to ease up a bit and just chill. All good things though, right?

Anyway, a small step in a positive direction. I am proud of the progress I made. I will not bash myself into the ground because one relationship isn't right for another person or me. Maybe I'm being sheltered for some reason because I have a bad habit of doing too much for people and getting taken advantage of. I don't need that in my life. Whatever the reason it's not my fault.

HOLY? I can almost smell the confidence dripping from me today.