Long time no see....
Here I am!! I thought about this little space of web today and said to myself, "I really should write something". So here I am with a short update on life, bipolar, and finding a balance.
After last year's hospital stay, I was put on Depakote and hopeful that it would work better for me than Lithium. Unfortunately, that was a big fat no, but I gave it 6 months just to be sure. Sometimes, you level out and start to feel a little more like yourself with some time. Many naps later, and what felt like depression, along with 20 lbs I didn't want, I was switched to Lamictal.
Since then, I've felt a million times better. I can sleep at the appropriate times, wake up when it's time, and I'm not a walking zombie just getting by. Lamictal eases the depression and makes room for a little JOY!! I have to be super careful in times of happiness, stress, and change since my trigger is so short. It only takes a couple of days in a manic state to bring on another episode of psychosis. But this month marks one year of regulated moods with medication.
Two years ago, I was just a moody person with the propensity to dwell on the hardships at times. I was what you would call pre-bipolar. Sort of like pre-diabetic. Then my life was uprooted, financial stress, and grief was handed to me more than once and BOOM!! Bipolar I was triggered. The shifting of moods is much greater and more of a challenge to work through than before, but I'm doing it. One day at a time, and with much more awareness than I've ever had.
I still have racing thoughts, I still worry more than one person should, any social uneasiness, structural changes to my day, all send me for a bit of a loop. The beautiful thing is now I am aware of the symptoms. I can manage them appropriately. When it gets to be too much, I take time for decompressing. All it takes is a 30 minute break for me to adjust my sails and find a better place.
I can't help but think that I must be one of the lucky ones. I take one medication, anxiety is minimal, my moods are bearable and I work hard at not allowing my shifts to bleed into my interactions with my friends and family. I'm not perfect at this. It is a challenge having kids to tend to. Three daughters is no cake walk at times. But I feel like I have a handle on what seemed to be one of the most difficult trials of my life so far.
There is still the stigma, the fear of people knowing about my disorder, judgment, and lack of understanding that goes along with my diagnosis.
People are not educated on mental health. They will label you, they will blame you for every single bump in your relationship. It's not fair to say that every single disagreement stems from my disorder. My feelings are just as important as the next persons and blaming bipolar is just an excuse not to take responsibility for bad behavior. However, I am an apologizing fool. I own my shit and expect that I will make mistakes, be more sensitive, act without thinking from time to time. I am aware of the challenges I face to have healthy interaction. I take the appropriate steps to keep my bipolar in check, but I can't be sure that it won't be met with the understanding and compassion, therefore, I don't share with anyone but my immediate family and close friends who were there when it all fell apart.
On a completely unrelated topic.....family update: we finally found a house, closed, and recently moved into our own space. A home. A place for us to settle and finally throw down roots that have been waiting to be watered so they can start to grow again. I couldn't be happier or more content with the end result of our move to Maine. Go us!! The husbands job is going well, Zumba is still happening, the kids are finally settled into their own lives with friends and a strong connection to our new location. I couldn't be more relieved.
And in true ADD fashion.....the structure of my writing is horrible and I often take you all kinds of places. But I think you get the idea.
