My newest addition to the family is currently experiencing her first joy in becoming a woman! Awwwwww.....poor, poor little puppy. Not so much fun being a grown up, is it?
Could be worse Sadie.......try sporting giant pendulous tits!!
Special thanks given to smiley for the colorful adjectives describing the beautiful breast enhancement us women are so lucky to attain during those beautiful, glowing months of pregnancy....and beyond.
Only the a is for abdomen.....not ass. The t is exactly correct. I'm swelling at a rigorous pace and not slowing down anytime soon. The tummy is anyway, the boobs have been swollen since the minute I had two blue lines....and still growing.
I'm now officially insane.
Why can't I be one of those cute pregnant ladies? My face grows to twice it's normal plumpness, erupts in moutainous zits and feels like a freshly used oil pan. Don't even think of telling me that I'm glowing or I'll drip face grease all over your pretty new sun dress. My boobs take on a mind of their own. I don't just notice a slight swell in the breasts, I get knocked the fuck out the morning after I find out I'm pregnant. That 1-2 lbs of weight gain designated for your lovely ample bosom.....yeah, triple that. And when this kid pops out double the size once more. I need like 4 different size boob harnesses for the same YEAR. My belly at 6 months looks at least like someone else's 7th or 8th month. I'm blessed with the shortest stomach in history so when the baby reaches 12 oz. I'm at full occupancy. Either that or she's fucking huge. A month from now I'll feel like I'm carrying my very own soccer team. My once shapely, muscular legs turn into scrumptious sausage links, complete with a side of cottage cheese. No further comment.
Everyone talks about how beautiful pregnancy is. I have yet to find any humor in that statement.
Creating life is a wonderful blessing saved only for us women. The special experience we all cherish; holding our babies when it's all over. Would I probably feel the same love if I'd sat and waited on the side lines like the men get to? Sure I would. I'm almost positive that would be okay with me. I'll sit back on those hot summer days on the porch and drink my ice cold cervesa and convince HIM why it's so important to breast feed until your baby is at least two years old and drinking any kind of relaxing tonic during that period is off limits. "It's for the baby, honey."
Real life conversation.
Dumb man: "Man, I wish we were having twins, or triplets even. How awesome would that be?"
Angry pregnant wife: "Yeah, and you think I'd manage breast feeding twins, or triplets even."
Dumb man: "Why couldn't you breast feed twins? Or triplets even? I mean, if you're feeding one, why not two?"
Angry pregnant wife: "Go fuck yourself."
I think he's forgotten who he is married to. My sanity is really quite fragile. I'm not sure what straw would be the last. I'm managing it now and will continue to manage it I'm sure. However, twins or triplets alone would send me into the psyche ward, much less if I had to be a milking factory 24/7. How can he wish that upon himself, let alone me. I've known the man for nearly 10 years now. You'd think that experience alone would clue him into the fact that I would lose the few marbles I have left.
Oh sure, pregnancy is a wonder. New life is a miracle and I'm the lucky dog that gets to grow that life inside of my body. I'm happy I get to experience lots of pampering and the first few signs of movement that signifies a real life is beginning; I'm just over it now. I've done that last trimester once already. I don't wanna do it again.
I guess there's no going back now, right? Someone just put me to sleep....wake me when it's over.
Alan Jackson's song Remember When makes me cry like a baby every freaking time I hear it.
Especially this part.....
Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin back It's just a stepping stone
To where we are where we've been
We said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when
We said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We wont be sad; we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when
Remember when
Remember when
Marriage and parenting is tough sometimes, but it's songs like this that make it abundantly clear just how much of a reward it actually is.
I have no idea why this song still gets me where it counts. I guess maybe because a couple of years ago my marriage was going through one of it's rocky periods. It was bad enough, and I naive enough, to think that it could have been the end. This song (and a good year of therapy) brought my heart back in line and reminded me what loving someone for richer or for poorer really meant. I hear this song and I see our past, present, and future. I cry tears of sadness for those days I let slip away not realizing how wonderful I have it, or those moments we have yet to live through that I just know will open flood gates. Then tears of happiness for all the moments I am deliriously aware of just how blessed I truly am, along with all the joys I have yet to experience with my best friend.
I know this is a tad mushy. I just can't help but feel extremely grateful for the relationship I have and the family that I've been blessed with. Whether it be the over abundance of hormones surging through me, or just overall stress of life, I've been feeling way too sorry for myself as of late. It's nice to come back to earth and remember how much I have been given. I'm a lucky dog, I know this. I need to believe that more often.
Why is it some people are handed a plate full of trials with, IMHO, less than their fair serving of good stuff? She has to do this again. How many more times is she gonna have to subject herself to poking, prodding and cutting.
She has had a feeding tube attached to her stomach since the last surgery because they only thought she could eat on her own. Thought. They reluctantly let her out of the hospital after adamant demands on her end thinking all would be well. Only to find out a week later that she was swallowing incorrectly and literally every drop of liquid, every morsel of food was going directly into her lungs. She was severely dehydrated, hallucinating dehydrated and choking on what little nourishment she could force down. A two week stint in the hospital and she was slowly recovering.
During a routine, post op check up there was this one spot that just didn't look right. "Let us do a biopsy just to be 100 % sure that it's nothing."
It wasn't nothing.
Another surgery, exploratory at that. They can't really see the cancer, they just know it's cancer because the cells they tested said it was cancer. Their hopes are high. Yeah, you said that the first time along with a lot of other hopeful and over confident statements. They have since admitted post surgery that her tumor was the largest they had worked on to date. They weren't going to tell us that initially, partly to keep us positive, and partly so they would get to do the surgery. They are, afterall, research doctors. Not your normal, run of the mill MD's. They're making headways in research and doing fabulous things with people but it's a crap shoot. They have had great results in the past, but this is the first of this magnitude. Would of been nice knowing that going into the whole thing. Or....it could of just scared the living shit out of all of us.
I've been really optimistic throughout the past 18 months. Mostly because I refuse to believe that I am going to lose her. That just isn't supposed to happen. Our father is already dead......my other mother is not that far from the grave and I just flat out refused to contemplate that my birth mom is going to be snatched away from me at such a young age. That just wouldn't be fair. I need to have a grammy to offer my children. I want them to see where I came from. Even if it was crazy and effed the hell up at times.
Is she going through all of this treatment just to die anyway? Is she fighting a losing battle? Just tell me she's going to be okay. That's all I want to know, it's all she'll need to know to get through this one more thing.
Give her strength, somebody, anybody for that matter. She won't take any from us. She shoulders her feelings and thoughts concerning this by herself. She's lied about it for nearly two years and convinced us all she felt fine. Nothing was wrong.
I hope I have enough common sense to never pick up another cigarette again.
I'm elated and sad at the same time. I knew that I would have disappointment for whatever baby I wasn't going to have. A girl is wonderful news.....but it's not a boy and that is kind of sad. I know this baby will be loved and having another child is a blessing from above. It doesn't matter if you have an innie or an outie :-)
Welcome to the family little one. Your daddy is going to need to study extra hard and perhaps even shoot for the Nobel Prize as some point in his career if we're going to afford two weddings.
Tomorrow I get a glimpse inside my expanding abdomen and see a tiny baby floating around. I get to peek and see if it's a little boy, or perhaps another little girl. Either of which I will love more than anything imaginable. I'm just a little apprehensive about finding out the sex. I want to know, really. I guess I'm just not ready to lose the romance behind the possibility of it being one or the other. The day dreaming loss alone is making me a little jittery.
If I have a boy I'll experience the father/son bond first hand between my two loves, AND my husband will get to father a son. This is something I know he thinks about and has always wanted. Regardless of what he says now, I know he'll always want a son and that would fill him to the brim I think.
If I have a girl I know Sydney will experience the bond sisters can have with each other through out their adult life. I will get to see cute little curly hair draping over big blue eyes. The hubby will get cuddles from an adoring little girl that thinks he hung the moon and stars just for her.
Either way we win. I just don't know if I'm ready to know for sure exactly which path has been chosen at this point in time. Either way we will all embrace and love the new addition given to our little family of three. It's amazing to think that we will soon be a family of four. I just can't imagine what it will be like. I look forward to the change. I know once the new baby arrives our lives will be changed for the better and the family of three will be but a distant, though, cherished memory in the scrap book of life.
Well......cya tomorrow.
A day spent with the family, even on the rainiest of days, can bring the dullest, saddest of moods into the sunshine.
Come Friday I'm usually so tired of spending seven hours a day alone in this house that I get a little antsy and cabin fevered. I know many stay at home Moms that would kill fuzzy kittens for just two hours alone a day, but seven can be a bit much. I look forward to the days when the baby I watch gets here at 10 am instead of 2 pm. I'm even insane enough to count the days until the kids start summer vacation. Everything seems to fall into place when I have little faces that need drinks and pb&j sandwiches. I even get so brazen as to try and scrub floors while dirty flip flops covered in cut grass are just itching to walk across a freshly sparkled hardwood.
So, all bad days aside, life getting in the way of living in the moment isn't SO bad. Just a bit tedious at times. Soon the house guest will be gone and I'll long for a visit from a friend. Someday I'll be working a full time job again and longing for the days when my only job was to take care of my family. Eventually our money woes will be all but a distant memory and I'll look fondly on the days of penny pinching and planning family dinners according to what's on sale at the time.
So......today was a better day, thankfully. The hubby even got eggs and toast in bed this morning. It's always a good start when you make someone you love smile before you do anything else.
I have been in such a sour state lately. Very little seems to bring me any joy outside of the usual cute kid said something cute and got me to laugh for a brief moment. I am trying, I really am.
I am a huge advocate of bring your own happiness. We are the creators of our own destiny and outlook upon life and WE choose how we want to view it that day. Living in the moment and enjoying it for all it's worth is a start. However, life tends to get in the way.
For about 8 months we've had a house guest. A house guest that does not know what family life is all about and often brings unwanted stress into my life. The little pleasures we take for granted, like running to the kitchen in our underwear, sex in the living room on a late Friday night, quiet dinners at home; just the three of us. All of these things you thought weren't that important suddenly become golden nugget moments that you just wish you could have back. Ungrateful twenty somethings that could of done this on their own no problem, but glad they came here for my sake. If only. I'll leave it at that.
I stay at home with my daughter and currently am carrying our second child. I'm so deliriously content with my family. I am hopelessly in love with my husband and can't begin to thank the Gods smiling on me the day he walked into my life. My daughter is the glimmer in my eye. I truly love them both with all my heart. The tiny one growing inside me is also something I look forward to enjoying and sharing and loving with all I have inside of me. I just can't help but wonder where I am in all of this. What is the special thing set aside just for little old me that I can accomplish. Something to fill up the empty hole where my self esteem used to exist. Something I won't quit because it gets in the way with someone else's goal or it interferes with my inability to see myself doing anything of value outside of being a wife and a mother. I know I'm valuable and I know I'm needed; my home would fall without the support of my shoulders holding it up. It's just lately I can't even seem to muster the desire to do a good job at even the simplest of things. I miss the identity I had before we moved to New York. I'd gladly sacrifice all of it again for the sake of all our futures. I just miss who I was when there was a job and friends and family outside of our little triangle that helped define me.
Money is the root of all evil. I do not wish to be filthy rich. I do not wish to swim in a pool full of money, or to brag and show the world how important I am because I have this, and this, and this. Do I want to reach a place in my life where I am comfortable? HELL YES!!!! I've taken great pride in stretching our dollars and usually see the silver lining. We have always been provided for, ends have always met and we made it through the tough spots. I take great pride in the fact that we are financially responsible and haven't over extended ourselves ridiculously to make appearances. We are just living in the smaller pay scale and neither of us will compromise our debt to income ratio in order to have new flashy clothes and a more than we can afford but oh so very cool vehicle. I have a husband who is a graduate student and if it weren't for the Montgomery GI Bill we'd literally be standing in sinking sand. OR I could get a job and my husband could deal with the stress of his wife working and what little down time he does have taken away with meaningless chores instead of valuable and irreplacable family time. The stress concerning money is usually not a big issue.....HOWEVER, in summer months the GI Bill is not awarded us due to him not taking courses and it screws the hell out of us having a chance at any kind of weekend excursions to Niagara Falls or any other cool and exciting place we haven't, nor will we ever venture to unless we take advantage now while we live in such close proximity. We could possibly splurge just a little on the credit card for the sake of travel and life experience but that damn Murphy's Law states that should we decide to stretch our ethics of financial discipline this one time our water pump will shit the bed and $1500.00 later our weekend will bring us guilt and misery. Which I suppose is only temporary but we can always find something more useful to spend our frivolous money on. Like, say, haircuts for the family. SO....the anticipation of being dirt, can barely buy a cheap yard sale item, poor is taking it's toll on my pregnant, already somewhat neurotic self.
This too shall pass. All of this will be a big blur in a decade and I will look upon these years and smile at myself and all the unwanted....and certainly unwarranted stress I put myself under. These moods will blow away as the summer months progress and I watch my flowers bloom (which I now regret wasting needed money on!!). I guess this is just the way life is and just when you think you're all set and you've prepared for the drought ahead.....BAM.....something happens and you're knocked on your feet yet again. If life were simple, what would it really be worth. Tis the waves that let you know you're alive and the tough currents that make you stronger for the next big storm. I Will Survive. Life is a Highway. All You Need is Love. One More Bottle of Wine.
