When You Can't Say Anything Nice.

I have been in such a sour state lately. Very little seems to bring me any joy outside of the usual cute kid said something cute and got me to laugh for a brief moment. I am trying, I really am.

I am a huge advocate of bring your own happiness. We are the creators of our own destiny and outlook upon life and WE choose how we want to view it that day. Living in the moment and enjoying it for all it's worth is a start. However, life tends to get in the way.

For about 8 months we've had a house guest. A house guest that does not know what family life is all about and often brings unwanted stress into my life. The little pleasures we take for granted, like running to the kitchen in our underwear, sex in the living room on a late Friday night, quiet dinners at home; just the three of us. All of these things you thought weren't that important suddenly become golden nugget moments that you just wish you could have back. Ungrateful twenty somethings that could of done this on their own no problem, but glad they came here for my sake. If only. I'll leave it at that.

I stay at home with my daughter and currently am carrying our second child. I'm so deliriously content with my family. I am hopelessly in love with my husband and can't begin to thank the Gods smiling on me the day he walked into my life. My daughter is the glimmer in my eye. I truly love them both with all my heart. The tiny one growing inside me is also something I look forward to enjoying and sharing and loving with all I have inside of me. I just can't help but wonder where I am in all of this. What is the special thing set aside just for little old me that I can accomplish. Something to fill up the empty hole where my self esteem used to exist. Something I won't quit because it gets in the way with someone else's goal or it interferes with my inability to see myself doing anything of value outside of being a wife and a mother. I know I'm valuable and I know I'm needed; my home would fall without the support of my shoulders holding it up. It's just lately I can't even seem to muster the desire to do a good job at even the simplest of things. I miss the identity I had before we moved to New York. I'd gladly sacrifice all of it again for the sake of all our futures. I just miss who I was when there was a job and friends and family outside of our little triangle that helped define me.

Money is the root of all evil. I do not wish to be filthy rich. I do not wish to swim in a pool full of money, or to brag and show the world how important I am because I have this, and this, and this. Do I want to reach a place in my life where I am comfortable? HELL YES!!!! I've taken great pride in stretching our dollars and usually see the silver lining. We have always been provided for, ends have always met and we made it through the tough spots. I take great pride in the fact that we are financially responsible and haven't over extended ourselves ridiculously to make appearances. We are just living in the smaller pay scale and neither of us will compromise our debt to income ratio in order to have new flashy clothes and a more than we can afford but oh so very cool vehicle. I have a husband who is a graduate student and if it weren't for the Montgomery GI Bill we'd literally be standing in sinking sand. OR I could get a job and my husband could deal with the stress of his wife working and what little down time he does have taken away with meaningless chores instead of valuable and irreplacable family time. The stress concerning money is usually not a big issue.....HOWEVER, in summer months the GI Bill is not awarded us due to him not taking courses and it screws the hell out of us having a chance at any kind of weekend excursions to Niagara Falls or any other cool and exciting place we haven't, nor will we ever venture to unless we take advantage now while we live in such close proximity. We could possibly splurge just a little on the credit card for the sake of travel and life experience but that damn Murphy's Law states that should we decide to stretch our ethics of financial discipline this one time our water pump will shit the bed and $1500.00 later our weekend will bring us guilt and misery. Which I suppose is only temporary but we can always find something more useful to spend our frivolous money on. Like, say, haircuts for the family. SO....the anticipation of being dirt, can barely buy a cheap yard sale item, poor is taking it's toll on my pregnant, already somewhat neurotic self.

This too shall pass. All of this will be a big blur in a decade and I will look upon these years and smile at myself and all the unwanted....and certainly unwarranted stress I put myself under. These moods will blow away as the summer months progress and I watch my flowers bloom (which I now regret wasting needed money on!!). I guess this is just the way life is and just when you think you're all set and you've prepared for the drought ahead.....BAM.....something happens and you're knocked on your feet yet again. If life were simple, what would it really be worth. Tis the waves that let you know you're alive and the tough currents that make you stronger for the next big storm. I Will Survive. Life is a Highway. All You Need is Love. One More Bottle of Wine.