Facing forward...

In my heart, I'm proud of myself for making it this far.  I've done a lot of damage in the past and have lived with the consequences, guilt and shame of those times for many years and thought I was just a bad person. 

I'm not a bad person.  I didn't make those choices because I was thoughtless and out of control selfish.  I have an illness.   An illness that has cemented and laid a pretty thick foundation of insecurities, anxiety, and worry. I thought this was normal and this was just who I was.  I was different from most people only because I was different. 

About 10 years ago I put myself in therapy and worked through and modified some serious behavior issues that were causing havoc in my life.  I took deep breathes when I got angry, I learned to communicate better, I took myself out of situations that would trigger behavior that I was not proud of (mostly).  That's a huge step in the recovery and balance of having this disease.  It's also the reason I was in utter disbelief that I was even "mentally unwell" to begin with.  I had the courage and determination to pull myself out of a pit and have forged ahead a better person.  A person I can be proud of.

My heart is proud, so how come my head doesn't follow suit? 

A symptom of bipolar disorder that has plagued me heavily is racing thought patterns.  I relive my mistakes, I over inflate my obstacles and degrade myself for lack of strict discipline or drive to find something I love to do and stick with it. 

Because of the normal person sets out to find their thing and GOES AND DOES IT with much success. 

I haven't been able to do that yet.  Notice I say yet.  There is a hope inside of me.  There is also a realistic view of my real time situation.  Stress is a major trigger for your brain to pull a switch on you and throw you into mania or depression.  Is it unrealistic of me to think that a fulltime, meaningful career in the fitness biz, being the best mom I can to three girls, and supporting my husband as he builds his career a lofty goal.  Or am I putting too much pressure on myself? 

Pressure, stress, not being able to juggle on the things I put on my plate is a recipe for disaster.  It could mean more hospitalizations, it could mean more damage to my kids, it could mean a crack in the foundation of my marriage. 

So maybe, just maybe.....I will close myself off from the normal expectations, the façade that women can and should be able to do it all successfully and brilliantly and just do what I can in that day.  Be proud of what that is and know my limits.  Doing more than I should can and will mostly likely trigger mania, which for me, quickly turns into psychosis. 

One of the scariest dangers a person with bipolar faces is the risk of suicide.  The last time I was in psychosis and thought I was on a mission to save the world, I drank something that could have been dangerous, I was lucky.  I was so lucky.  I had thoughts of taking my entire bottle of anti-psychotics during this episode, also.  Not because I was sad or felt like a failure, but because I was having delusions that I had been chosen to ring the bell so to speak, to spark the rapture (don't even get me started on my potential PTSD from fear taught religion OMG).   

So facing forward....it is my goal to be kind to myself, even if that means all day reminding myself to stop the bashing.  Not to expect others to be kind or understand my situation.  I don't need to explain, I don't need to justify what I need.  I don't need to go beyond my boundaries because another person needs or wants my support and help.  It is my goal to take care of my kids and love them.  It is my goal to support my husband and keep my marriage strong because I am lucky that his love, while quiet and often times unexpressed, runs very deep.  It is my goal to allow my journey in a new town to unfold slowly and deliberately.  No need to overwhelm, no need to accomplish things all at once, and no need to prove to anyone but me that I can do this.

I love sharing here.  My writing is kinda like barfing.  I don't have a system, I don't proofread or try to make it perfect.  I don't think long and hard about what I want to say, I just start thinking and there it is.  My brain vomit.  I'm as crazy as you think I am, and now it's official. 

Summer vacation!

Yesterday was the last day of school for the two little ones and Monday for Sydney.  I'm happy to report that all three were fairly happy with the end of year.  Sydney had some sad moments, so did I.  This was her 8th grade graduation year and she lined up with people she's only known for 6 months.  It was heartbreaking to watch her silently wish she had been with her friends in NY, sharing the same FB worthy moments they were having with each other. 

It totally get it too because I have those same exact moments with my own circle of friends I had there.  We miss them. 

I've been reading a lot of on-line information about bipolar disorder and what I am facing.  Or rather what I've always been facing, but with a few tools and knowledge that might give me some insight as to how best manage my illness. 

Is it possible to actually feel worse?  Un-medicated life just seemed more fun.  There was more anxiety, also.  I'm hoping that with time, and a different mind-set that I can accomplish what will feel right for me.  I've been taking a serious look in the mirror at my self medicating (something I've done for years - I just figured I was a high-functioning/borderline alcoholic.  Turns out that individuals with bipolar often use substances to cope with stress.  That description pretty much sums me up, but it does for an addict also.  Ya know? 

The underlying difference is that I have experience true mania.  There is absolutely no doubt what my episode was since it led to psychosis.  Twice.  I've decided that I don't exhibit the stereotype symptoms of extreme mood swings that others may show..  I do often change moods, I can be extremely irritable, I can become very high and very low.  But I don't consider myself out of the normal scope of how others show their emotions day to day, it's just that mine change more frequently.  It's harder for me to deal with conflicting issues.  I have racing thoughts and my speech can become forced. 

I just don't consider myself to be living a life of torment and chaos that others describe.  I've also read that each and every individual is different.  I can be high functioning with bipolar now but it might not be so if I overdo stress, continue to self medicate (I've been doing great, but not perfect with this recently), do not follow a treatment plan, and make keep my body and mind running as optimally as I possibly can. 

An eye opener for me was reading the experiences people had with discipline and following through on their dreams - how depression, lack of focus, anxiety and running had been obstacles for many. 

It helped me to see that I have always had a challenge in front of me that was beyond my control.  There might be a way to fix it, and maybe with hard work and patience, the right doctors, the right behavior.....I might be able to find the balance between mother, wife and the person I would like to become that is separate from all that. 

We'll see....