It's just that time of year.

The time when I crawl into a hole and try to get through 28 days of hell, this year it was 29. February is one mean bitch and kicks my ass every year. It's no coincidence that I celebrate Valentine's Day, wedding anniversary, and my birthday all within those four short (loooooooong) weeks. It kinda sucks to have it all piled on top of the other and usually I'd say that I get the big old jiparooni but when I think hard about it...what would happen to me otherwise. The cake, the flowers, the cards, the presents....probably keep me from the funny farm. When I am independently wealthy, I am heading to Jamaica for February hell.

So you're wondering if my mom passed away, right? She is still hanging on by a thread, almost as if her suffering has to be drawn out so her family is okay with her heading into the Great Beyond. And we are all ready for her to be over the suffering and the pointless existence of her death bed. I just want her to be free. I could cry a river for myself but that isn't what this is about. Finally, at long last, I am at peace with losing my mother. My selfish ego, who refuses to quiet down is shouting otherwise but I'm trying not to feel pity for myself because it isn't productive or even fair to have that emotion given all that she's suffered and endured through her entire life.

I am grateful to her for loving me and keeping me safe even though she was my grandmother, not my mother. For raising me and clothing me and keeping me warm at night. I love her more than any other person on this earth sans my own children. Through that love, my grieving will be about saying good bye and letting go, not wishing for the outcome to be different. I take comfort knowing that I'll be able to talk to her when she's gone. She'll really hear me and know that I learned a lot from her. That all I ever wanted to do was make her proud of me, not to show off or be some sort of fancy pants that I often felt she thought I was doing when I tried to buy her a gift, or cook her a meal. I just wanted her to know that although I was not perfect or everything she would have liked me to be, I had paid attention to her and when I try to curb my less desirable habits, I try to be more like her in many ways. I'll never have the strength and incredible generosity that she had. She never complains even though she is always in considerable amounts of pain. She always gave even though she wasn't by any means wealthy enough to do so. I am forever in her debt.

I never know where I'm going when I write you know. I don't have a plan, or a structure, rhyme or reason. I just barf it all out on blogspot for the world to read if they choose. And I am terrified that someone I know will read it, except for a very select few people whom I trust with these incredibly vulnerable moments. It's okay for them to look in my window because I don't care what their going to think because I know they won't mock me and I wouldn't do it to them. And I love them for that.

So it's March now and I feel pretty happy this week. I'm coming out of my winter fog and it feels great. I've had a really productive couple of weeks which has been great for me. I needed to lift myself up in the worst way. I don't know where the shift came from but I have secret ideas, ideas I won't write about because my daughter now knows I have a blog and I'm terrified that she'll read it and find out her mother is crazy.

Speaking of, I have never considered her learning about things I have lived through and why I might be the person I am, some of which I've written in here. Let's hope I bore the living shit out of her before she searches too far into the archives.

Let's hope.

I'll try to get back here soon. I'm sorry for the long pause. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't. I appreciate that you come back though, considering it's such a bunch of crappy writing about the most random shit anyone could ever think of writing about. I can't believe anyone would even give it their time in the day but who am I to say what one person relates to. And with that I say.....catch ya later homies.

One Year

I taught my first Zumba class on this very day last year.

One of my students has lost 82 lbs.

Crazy. Amazing. Life-changing.

This job has given me my power back and allowed me to provide for my family in ways I never thought possible and still be able to stay home and take care of my kids on a full time basis. They may know every single lyric to every single Pitbull song but it's all been worth it.

I can't even put into words how good it feels to help people change their lives through Zumba. It's been a wonderful year for all of us.

I bet you're wondering

how my mother is these days. She is still hanging on but fighting less and less every day. She doesn't eat much and won't get out of bed. She just doesn't want to and won't help you one bit. She's tired and I don't blame her. I think it won't be much longer until she lets go of the thread permanently. Until then, we wait and call and wait and call.

The kids are all excited to take a trip. I'm looking forward to hearing about all their fun. Saturday will come fast enough and I'll see everyone. Jamie should be fairly comfortable and his mom should be of good help but I'm sure they'll all find a way to complain about how much work the job I hold down single handed for the majority of each day is. They're much bigger now which will make a major difference. Plus, so far, I have packed incredibly well. He should be sitting pretty with regards to food and snacks and gear. I hope he enjoys himself.

Me? I'm having a couple of girlfriends over for good pizza and good drinks.

:p

Like I promised...

I had a great weekend!!

It began with a suspiciously quiet sleepover, three hours of Zumba and a productive Saturday afternoon. Followed by a great party with girlfriends, food and drinks that did not get out of control. So that means I was home and in bed very sober and adequately tired. Sunday I woke up feeling rested and ready for a good day.

We had a great Sunday lunch of venison roast, mashed potato and green salad. So yummy with a slightly rich indulgence. Venison is great but takes a little getting used to. The roasts are amazing when you cook them for 6-8 hours. Fall off the bone and moist with juices. Friggen amazing.

And as promised, I successfully made a beautiful, and hopefully delicious, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting for Jim's co-workers. I'll get the scoop on flavor once they've all devoured my beautiful creation but something tells me it's going to be amazing. I'm jealous they get to eat it. I did make a second batch of carrot muffins and had left over icing for them. Also damn good and helped numb the pain of making a cake I will not taste. I need to know how good it is dammit.

Emily was down for the count practically all weekend with a fever and sore throat. She is improving so I opted to not take her into the doctor this morning. No fever, but slight sore throat with her cough still. I think she's on the mend. Hopefully the rest of us avoid getting it. I've been nervous about that the last couple days.

I watched Bridesmaids and My Big Fat Greek Wedding in bed this weekend. Jim and I relaxed and kept the house feeling nice and easy. I love weekends like that. It was so nice to be together and veg around like a bunch of lazies. It's really quite special how content we can be together. I love just cuddling and being quiet on a Sunday.

Thursday, Jim is driving the girls to meet his family for a weekend of tubing and skiing. I'm hanging back here and working until Saturday morning, then I'll drive down and spend the last night with them. Jim and I want to hit the hill alone Saturday night if they'll all be willing to help out with the kids. Here's hoping...a nice pre-anniversary date. It's not like we ever get to ask anyone for help with the kids but every other blue moon, I think we deserve it and hope to get some alone time. I have never been skiing before, it would be romantic to have him give me a bunny hill lesson. I wonder how they'll all deal with the mental stress of me not being around for three days to help with my little baby daughters, though. I think they'll be so busy and be having so much fun that when the down time at night begins, they will want to crash and rest up. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that.

Well that's about all I feel like talking about at the moment. I'll check in again this week sometime and ramble on about nothing, I'm sure of it.

Happy Monday people.

Finally Friday

Another week coming to a close. I just have to get through a three hour block of Zumba in the morning and then I can relax for a few days.

I am with a heavy heart today, the lack of sunshine brings me gloominess of the mind along with the dreary days. What's new with that you ask? I am quite the moody creature, I agree. And my body is worn out from all the exercise I'm putting it through. I'd like to take a long afternoon nap but the three little girls squabbling in my living room will not afford an afternoon of rest. Ah well....it's FRIDAY!

Tomorrow night I'm sure I'll be feeling a little higher since I'm invited to a Thirty-One party and a girls evening following. I love time spent with the girlfriends and getting out of my husband's hair. He loves it too I'm sure.

Speaking of....little asshole asked me to make his friend a birthday cake for an office party on Monday. So I guess I'm making a damn cake Sunday. But I love that man and would pretty much do anything he asked me to do. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, 14 years behind us already.

The dog laid a dump right on the rug by the front door this morning. It wasn't discovered until said door was opened and closed a few times. Several shoe and door smears later, I find it through the entire fucking house. Heavy heart? I have a hard time finding the positive in such karmic crap finding it's way to my doorstep. Literally.

Emily made it through half a day of school then vomited.

The awesome just won't quit today.

Sydney's dance is tonight and I'm going to try and stay nice and normal for her two friends who are staying over. Shouldn't be hard since I have to be out of the house at 8:30 am for Zumba and Dear Old Dad will be making the obligatory bacon and eggs. I'm glad that Sydney is a confident and content almost 12 year old girl though, the fact that she loves having friends over means she is happy in her home and her life. THERE!! I found the positive :D

Pat me on the back why don't you.

Have a good weekend. I'm going to.

OMG OMG....

A cleaning genius I am not...but let me tell you who is! Man, that girl can write. If you are here reading this, then you should definitely be reading that! Check her out...all of her musing are hilarious, gut wrenching and easily related to.

Emily is home sick today and I am finally feeling the urge to clean up the homestead for the first time in what feels like forever. I clean it all the time but if you asked me if I felt like doing it, I'd slap you in the face with my swiffer duster.

The babe is starting to feel a little better now but this morning at 6:00 am she was slightly pathetic and adorable. She's prone to vomiting when her tummy's upset and it turns her into the sweetest, most helpless little mite you ever saw. I know this is wrong on all sorts of levels, but I like when she gets a little stomach bug every blue moon or so.

Abigail is loving the company of her big sister and has been almost concerned about her this morning. Awwww...such sweet sisters. It's nice having them together like this again, it happens less and less as they get older. They both were doing school work at the kitchen counter while I scrubbed and bleached my floor this morn and it melted my heart watching them cut, glue and color side by side. Love those babies.

Sydney has a dance tomorrow night and is having a two friend sleep over afterward. She is changing and growing up so fast these days. Her cell phone at the ready, lip gloss in hand, she flips her curly locks and rolls her eyes at my Zumba antics and wouldn't be caught dead in one of my Zumba classes these days. Until her friends decide it's cool again and they all flock to the back row. Ahhhh...pre-teenage anst. Tweendom at it's peak....her 12th birthday is in about 6 weeks. And just like that she's not my baby anymore. She sure is a pretty little thing.

Zumba is rocking these days. I love averaging 20 peeps in class, the energy and the paycheck are so much better when I have a full(er) house. One Thursday night I had 30 people dancing with me. LOVE IT! I can only imagine what it must be like in a huge venue with 60 or 70 women rocking out to Pitbull and hanging on your every move. Such a rush. This was by far the best step I've taken that had nothing to do with my family and everything to do with me. It's been a lifesaver and a blessing. Mad props to Zumba for making this accessible to the average person. It's a lot of work to keep this class current and fun but it's worth it in so many different ways. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Anyway, that's my Thursday morning thoughts in a nutshell. Catch ya next time.

Yo mama she get Krazy!

What a weekend! My buddy came to visit with her FOUR kids and stayed over two nights with my krazy krew. We had a great visit but man am I tired! Saturday morning I had to teach an adult Zumba class but the second and third classes are ZumbAtomic, which is the kids version of Zumba. No sexy songs, or gyrating hips, just goofy dancing to music they may or may not have heard before. The kids all had a blast and I loved having them in class. The afternoon was as chill as one can get with 8 kids (our 7 plus a stray!). We got a little snow so they were able to bundle up and slide in the back yard for a little while. They left this morning and I was both sad and happy to see them go. It's work entertaining a big crew like that but the company was nice and seeing my bestie was even better.

The man of the house helped me clean up this morning then we all got ready for a trip to the mall and then some Target shopping. Both were great. I treated Sydney and I to manicures and the girls went to a play place that has a drop off option which we LOVE on occasion. The two littles played for an hour while we just did our own thing. LOVE family time like that. We walked around, drank a soda, visited the poor pet shop puppies and other animals and we came home. It was great and a nice way to end the weekend.

No hangovers. Thankful for that - the depression that ensues a big fat binge (there is no sugar coating allowed here) is absolutely crippling for me. I take a week to mentally recover and I don't like feeling like such a douche so yay for fresh weekends that don't involve too much booze. I'm nearly 36 years old for crying out loud. I shouldn't be getting so wasted. Geez.

Anyway - it's a good place that I'm in today. I like feeling content and living in the present without too much projecting. I'm the victim and prisoner of my mind far too much and it's nice to have it feel light for a couple of days.

On a side note, my mom seems to be reviving a little bit. She had my sister, Kim, visiting over the last weekend so she was surely happy to see another familiar face. I wish she wasn't so far away so I could see her all the time. Ah well....can't change it so I guess there's no use in fighting in my mind about it. Accepting shit is good for me....but not always practiced regularly.