Today has been such a good day.  I can't describe what it feels like to discover something about yourself, about your life, that allows focus and drive.  I've had amazing ideas throughout my career as a fitness professional and saw some of them to fruition but really lacked a personal fortitude to get anywhere.  Maybe it is because I was living the dream that was not mine, and maybe my town was just not big enough to go BIG and support a business. 

That dream sharing plays into the empathic qualities I have.  I was literally living the life and setting the goals someone else had and forgot all about my own.  I wasn't happy, I was resentful, I was exhausted, and I was steering down a road of resistance.  It wasn't mine, I didn't want it. 

What do I want? 

I want it all. 

I don't want to be *just* a Zumba instructor anymore.  I want that to be what makes me shine, I want to use that as part of a business that excels because it's what I'm good at.  But ultimately, I can't do it all.  I'd like to gather, create, inspire a team of really great fitness professionals.  Each of us having our unique offering that really brings out the best in them and RUN WITH THAT as a team. 

I have recently taken up CrossFit.  I haven't been so excited about something since Zumba.  It's really tapped into a side of me that has been lacking and will be what I believe, what makes me stronger than ever.  I love this style of training, I love this class and I want to be a fucking beast.  You mark my words man.  I'm going to rip myself into a sculpted machine and I'm not even sorry about that. 

In January, I began taking yoga classes with a unique and amazing person.  I love her style, I love her intuitive nature and her ability to take care of her class by being completely open and channeling her love for yoga to the students in the room.  The energy that resides within her space after a class has been inspiring and I'm taking care of something I've needed for a long time.  Stretching.  I need to lengthen to strengthen.  She leads from the heart, much like me and "knows" how to take her energy and place it into the hearts of those around her. 

I'm not the best dancer, but my energy during a class is difficult to describe when I'm tapping into that.  It can't be copied unless you're willing to really open up into your love source and let it flow freely.  I can't do this all week long, I need to do things for me, and share myself with limits.  If I do not do this, I become unhappy and unbalanced.  My new mantra is all about finding what makes ME happy and doing just that.  Part of that is being the best mother and wife I can possibly be, as well as friend to few, as well as personal trainer, business partner, Zumba instructors. 

My circle is going to become a lot smaller.  My real friends will get the best and my students will get Zumba.  I can't be a best friend to every student even though my heart is drawn into that place.  The healer, the fixer, the one that wants everyone to feel happy because it's too much to see another feeling down.

The consequences of such is a person who absolutely can't function.  I'm pulled into so many directions that I lose all happiness of my own and fall into depression.  If I'm happy, just being in a room with me makes you feel better.  You may not even know it, but somehow....if it's in my power, I will make you feel special and important.  I am damn good at Customer Service.  I aim to please people. 

So how does that sound?  Are my goals mine?  Do I sound happy?  I will admit that my emotions are a little bouncy here and there but the new medication creates a more balanced approach.  I can talk about my ideas with clarity and focus.  In my head, I'm not a cocky bitch one minute, worst individual ever the next.  Am I cocky?  Oh hell to the yes.  After years and years of self loathing I think I deserve just a little bit of YOU AREN'T JUST BARELY GOOD ENOUGH - YOU KICK ASS!!!  I have goals in place and I'm working towards becoming a unique leader who works well with others and shares her ideas to the betterment of all those who share my love for fitness.  It's not all one thing or nothing, it's a mix of three unique workouts, each designed to compliment and enhance the performance of each one.  Ellsworth didn't see me coming.....and that's fine by me.  Once they know I'm here they will surely know my name.  I'm going for gold this time.  Finally a town big enough for a girl like me.