A blessing for today.

It seems like having a really good, but non manic day is the gift I'm hoping for each day when I get up.  We are moving into a new rental this weekend.  I've been running back and forth all day getting things, cleaning, unpacking boxes that have been sealed for months, organizing Jim's mess from bringing stuff over last weekend, and trying not to look at the shambles all around because I know that this too shall pass. 

Yesterday was so sad.  I try to explain how I feel to Jim and he's a no go with emotion.  I need to hear he wants to take this on together.  It feels like he doesn't even realize the seriousness of needing to know exactly how much he needs me.  I worry about this, it's real and can consume me if I let it.  He's said a few things this year that hit hard.  One was the money thing I wrote about yesterday.  The other was when we first moved and I was having a fun party night with my sister. 

"I should leave you."

I have abandonment issues that stem all the way back to when my mom chose to raise my siblings but graciously gave me to her mother so it could be easier on us both.  That had to of not been easy.  I acknowledge the reasons, but the scars remain and whenever faced with a situation that mimics any thing remotely like abandonment before I'm ready for a separation....I fall into depression. 

Those words haven't left me yet.  *sigh*

I'm pretty level today but that's kind of the way I roll.  When duty calls I can ignore all the craziness that sits inside of my brain and focus on life that needs to be lived.  I'm assuming for this weekend I should be okay.