On turning four and other things...

Emily! What a great birthday this year has been for her. So many mini celebrations with school and friends, today was her party for one last hoorah! Good bye toddlerhood, hello whatever it is that four year olds are. Because I'll be honest, she's still throwing a considerable amount of tantrums for turning four but I guess we're taking baby steps.

She's not all naughty. I have a sweet, caring and genuine young lady close to my heart and I know that she's going to turn out okay as long as I can keep figuring her out. These days I'm getting better. Today was great for example. She shared her presents with her friends, she gave me a really big hug and told me how happy she was and gave me a heart felt Thank You which in my opinion is pretty tight coming from a new four year old. Those are my moments validating that I'm doing an okay job.

In other news! I've been religiously taking care of my fitness for almost two years but have only really been pushing limits lately. Running is a painful for me to do and all I was doing was jogging and logging. I didn't let myself hurt for very long before I'd ease up the pace where I was comfortable. These days I'm running faster than ever (for me) and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I set a challenge for myself this month to run 3 miles a day for 30 days. At first I toyed with it because it scared me. I tend to fall into things and test the water a few days before I commit to anything. This afternoon I finished my 14th day with 42 miles logged for two weeks of running. I'm still a long way off from the end but I'm taking one day's challenge at a time and not asking anything else of myself. One run at a time will eventually equal the 90 miles after 30 of them.

November already, this year is almost over, a drop in the bucket now. I can't seem to remember any other time in my life where the minutes seem to be racing right along and begging me to keep up. Life is too damn short.

Less than three weeks and I go see mom. Keep this in your happy place in thought land for me if you can. Send me some peace and strength. I'm going to really need it. I have missed her so much but I'm scared. I know it's only a matter of time these days. I know she wants to die now. Once the will is gone, what's left? I know she's lived so many years in pain and suffered a great deal in her life. She say's she just wants to go home and see her Mom and Dad. And she deserves to just rest and never have to take another pill or hurt another minute.

I took a pregnancy test today because I'm over a week late. I've had a tubal but I figure my chances of having that fail - well lets just say I look over my shoulder a lot. It was negative and I am relieved. Neither of us can do that again without a struggle. Three is enough.

So that's it for things tonight. A little scatterbrained but what the hell. Sue me.