I think I can do this!

On Mondays and Wednesdays we have playgroup at the school. Emily finally feels comfortable enough there to throw a tantrum (that was awesome! heh). But that isn't what this is about.

I don't get a lot of social interaction so these times are some of the only opportunities that I have to practice really connecting to other women. I didn't start going until this year and probably the main reason why I am so inept in social situations these days. I'm not sure I've always been such an introvert but I do know that the behaviors I'm looking to change right now have always been there. Again, all innocent, but still unfavorable.

I caught myself when I was about to interrupt and guess what a new friend was going to say. Turns out I was off base anyway so I was really happy that I didn't dominate and just listened to her instead. It felt good to be actively aware of myself and making a true effort to change the way I do interact in social situations.

There is another woman there who I enjoy very much and would like to become better friends with. Her patience with the three small children she brings to play (two are hers and one she babysits), the constant smile on her face despite some real difficulties she is facing being a newly single mother to 4, she inspires me to be better with my own kids and to be grateful that I have someone to depend on when days are tough. I am trying to find a way to be part of her life but I'm not sure she's looking or needing a new friend. She knows everyone here and already has a full roster of friends. I feel awkward and often put my foot in my mouth by saying things that are meant to be nice but come out as insensitive, or my paranoia sets in and it's neither. I suppose some patience and understanding are in order here. I can't control the situation and make her be my friend but if it is meant for me to be part of her life, if there is something for me to offer her than it will be.

Patience isn't my virtue of virtues. I've been so lonely for the past 5 years that it is very difficult to ease up a bit and just chill. All good things though, right?

Anyway, a small step in a positive direction. I am proud of the progress I made. I will not bash myself into the ground because one relationship isn't right for another person or me. Maybe I'm being sheltered for some reason because I have a bad habit of doing too much for people and getting taken advantage of. I don't need that in my life. Whatever the reason it's not my fault.

HOLY? I can almost smell the confidence dripping from me today.