Insomnia and more clarity.

Two nights of insomnia this week and tons of internal dialogue later and I have made a few more strides personally.

I acknowledge that I have sounded like a broken record for such a long time that I actually believe the bad outweighs any good in reference to my character as a person. I have cried and cried for help but could never seem to get to where I needed to be. I've always wondered why but realize now that acceptance doesn't come in the form of a party, or a friend, or lover, or even the most trusted person in my life.

It has to come from me. I have been so busy trying to get approval from the world when the only person who needed to give it was me.

DING, DING, DING!!!

I've known this forever but wasn't listening apparently because I continued to fall into the same old behaviors and patterns that kept me buried deep in regret and self pity. I have made some improvements through a year of therapy but not enough to make enough of a difference because there has always been that slippery slope just waiting for me to fall over the edge. I still engaged in risky behaviors and still told myself over and over that I wasn't worth the penny at the bottom of a drain hole.

I had to revisit a very embarrassing memory this week. A dirty little not so secret memory that has been the root of most of the difficulties I've had to endure personally. It has kept me running and unwilling to look back for fear of god knows what - being unlovable, or judged, and hated. It felt like I was caught up in a massive twister continuously spiraling out of control. I didn't have time to think about the shame if I didn't hit the ground.

All of the things in my life that have molded me into this insecure woman that I'm working so hard to banish are all so intricately hardwired into the other that it's almost impossible to put into words. Since I had to revisit and deal with this memory again a lot of other difficult memories have resurfaced as a result.

It's stressful to be there. To remember. To relive.

I guess that is God's way or the Universe's way (I don't like to label the power source very much) of telling me that the journey wasn't over, not by a long shot. There is still more work to be done, obviously, because of all the sadness I still feel inside. If I truly want freedom from my demons I have to forgive myself and let them go. I have to lay my burdens down for good to find peace and happiness. And to shut that little bitch up that tells I'm not good enough.

I am trying so fucking hard. You have no idea. It causes so much unnecessary pain and self hatred that I can not hold onto anymore without crumbling under the pressure. It's not easy to let go of something you've let define you for most of your life, though, and it doesn't happen just because you want it to. It takes hard work, but worthy work.

For me.

For them. I can't teach my girls how to reach their full potential as strong women if I am but a small fraction of my own potential.

It stings.

The book I spoke of in my last post has been a wonderful tool this week. I think forgiveness begins with the tiny changes I make in my life that are unworthy of my time. If I can change the coping mechanisms and break down walls of fear and anger then I can get closer to the meat of the issue. Right? I mean I am no therapist but forgiveness and self hatred are counterproductive. Changing bad behaviors and letting go of the "small stuff" would be a good place to start don't you think?

Forgiveness, confidence, loving myself for the good in me and reminding myself that I'm human and we all have made mistakes is where it's at. It's like the heart that pumps blood through our veins which keeps us alive and thriving. Each vein, each artery, each muscle, every part of us is connected in very unique and meaningful ways. When one area is closed off something suffers. My journey is to flush out the bad and let the love flow baby. Let the love FLOW and course through my veins because I deserve it. I'm not ugly, unforgivable, unlovable or any of the other things the crazy bitch in my head tells me I am.

More clarity. It feels good.

In case you didn't notice? I LOVE TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS.

PS - I haven't used any type of unhealthy means of escape in over a week - in the form of substances anyway. I guess to let the light in you have to feel the darkness too. It has been worth it.