Aha moment!

My head is all over the place these days. I guess that is what staying home does for a person if you allow it. Too much time with your "self". I am busy but obviously not always present and my thoughts have been allowed "free range" so to speak and that is not okay with me anymore because that's where my unhappiness stems from. The fact that I don't have fulfilling relationships in my life is a true testament to that emptiness I feel. I have a ton of "friends" but lack true connections with anyone and I'd like to change that about me. Not just with girlfriends in my life but with my daughters as they grow. They need an example to go by and I want to be a good one for them so it doesn't take them so long to get a clue.

I'm reading a book that seems to be really helping me put things into perspective. I'm calling it my new bible because there are so many things we can do to bring peace and happiness into our lives that are addressed in this book only I don't go to hell for not following all the rules all the time.

This may not be new to any one who knows me personally, but I have been extremely self absorbed and living in my own bubble. I don't mean that you think I'm a bad person or uncaring and selfish, just that I have been living in my own head and not necessarily aware of much else. I know all kinds of things about a lot of people but have I been present in their life in a meaningful way? I don't really think so. I go about my days being a person who loves and gives but at the end of the day most of what I have done has been self serving in one way or another.

It's an awakening of sorts I guess. My big aha! moment if you will. I have carried these little tid bits of information with me but haven't acted on them. Actions speak louder than words, right? Thinking it hasn't been enough and will never be enough.

So off on my journey I go. My first goal is to be a better listener. That means no interrupting, no finishing sentences for people (VERY bad habit I have), and I don't always have to put my own experiences into a conversation. Occasionally, it is completely relevant, but most of the time you're just making it all about you which serves no purpose other than to enhance your SELF.

All of these things I have done innocently. I felt that if I could equate my experience with others it made our connection deeper. Wrong. Sometimes, it's good but many times you're taking away from what they are trying to say and making your experience seem more valuable than theirs.

I thought that I finished their sentences I knew what they were going to say before saying it, therefore making me their best friend ever because our connection was deep and strong. Really all I was doing was not listening and annoying them. Who wants to share their life with someone who never really hears what you are saying? NOBODY!

Amazing what you learn when you get over yourself for just a moment. I have been so caught up in my own experience and wisdom that I was alienating anyone who was willing to share and open their lives up to me. I am excited and happy to truly become aware of these things and figure out what was holding me back.

Now onto the hard part, changing bad behaviors is very difficult. This means I have to become aware of my ego and squash it before it can rear it's ugly head, easier said than done. I've already screwed up a few times and didn't realize it until after it was done because it's such an automatic response for me. After, I wanted to explain myself and apologize but I felt like that was just talking more about me and didn't serve a purpose so I let it be. Which I think is a good thing, definitely a step in the right direction.

I have a feeling that all the incoherence in my life is going to come into focus and I will finally begin to live a meaningful existence. That is such a good feeling. Perhaps when I master this part of my life my hidden potential will peak it's pretty little face out from behind the big fat cloud of ego it's been hiding behind. :)