Thoughts about Happiness

Happiness isn't really something that magically happens to us. It's 90% attitude and 10% circumstance. Certain things do make us sad but our reaction to it and thoughts concerning it, if negative, can hold us back from achieving contentment.

In my case, my thoughts are suffocating. I revisit past mistakes on a daily basis. Mistakes that I can't even write about they're so bad. Mistakes that shame me beyond shame. I live with them and go about my days acting like they're not there but they are present. Always present and looming over my head like a storm cloud. They make me feel like my whole entire life is a lie. I find them so unforgivable that I beat myself up regularly over them. An important part of my journey is forgiveness. I am not there but I do know that if I don't allow myself to be human I will be forever chained by the memories of the past.

I also have a lot of sadness that revolves around my mother and father. My father because he died before I could hang onto any type of memory of him, my mother because I need one and don't really feel like I have one even though I really have two. My grandmother because she raised me. My mother because she's still here and we love each other and have a relationship, just not a motherly one. I try to make them both proud of me and probably they are but they just don't show it or know how to. I don't have someone to guide me or help me work out issues in my life. I didn't have someone to help me as a girl when growth and enlightenment were really important. I envy people who did to a fault.

Which reminds me, envy, if I'm being completely honest is one of the biggest cruxes I face daily. I don't find value in myself because I'm wishing I was as good, as happy, as wealthy, as beautiful, as successful as someone else instead of just accepting my own beauty, talents and greatness. I acknowledge this weakness and I work on it a lot but not enough because it's still a large problem. It's not productive. It's counterproductive actually and it snuffs my light and makes my heart ugly even though I have so much to offer.

My negativity is excruciating sometimes and turns me into someone I don't like. Negative thoughts, reliving the crap and ignoring the wonderful parts of my life are what robs me of happiness. My ego has taken over my existence and feeding it the way I do keeps me in that state of turmoil that I so desperately want to break free of. I deserve to feel good about myself and about my decisions in life because mistakes don't matter. Other people's mistakes don't matter.

I want to purge negativity from my life. I want to rid myself of the guilt I face for the things I've done. No longer do I want to be ruled by all of my hurt I've experienced and caused. It's important that I break free of this and allow my light to glow brightly. If I don't I will never find anything but regret. And that's just stupid.