Slipping back in time.

That's what I feel like when I read older posts on this silly little blog of mine. I can't even remember the woman who had just one child. I can't recall the woman who packed up her beloved home in Maine and schlepped to Upstate New York with nothing but a wish for her husband's success. I gave up a lot when we moved here.

Two more daughters later and five years of SAHM'ing and here I am. Sometimes I feel like I have been robbed of individuality. Then other times I feel like the person I'm supposed to be. We all have layers and as we go through life each new layer presents itself at different times. My layer right now is motherhood and all that goes with it. That comes with sacrifices and changes that we sometimes have to make. This may be done begrudgingly; it's easier for some than others, but lovingly. Always for love. It's the love that makes it worth it.

I have been given three gifts. Three chances to erase damage and find healing and growth through love.

Sydney - my oldest girl. She'll be 10 in a few weeks and just writing that down makes it more real than ever. I choked on a tear just now thinking of her blossoming into a teen and all the turmoil that goes with it. She's getting boobs now and her skin is changing a little. She's beautiful and smart and kind. I love her and I love the way our relationship is developing into something different, something meaningful. I am constantly trying to nurture, teach, talk and listen It means so much to me that we're close. She is the reason that her dad and I love each other so much. The mere thought of breaking her heart by severing our bond as a family was strong enough to keep us together long enough to realize that we are best friends.

Emily - my middle girl. The center of our family. She wouldn't have it any other way and I think the rest of us feel the same. A dimple on her right cheek, buck teeth from her pacifier and bad genes. She's vibrant, intensely loving, aggravatingly stubborn and beautiful. I will get more wrinkles from her than any of my girls. She's my great challenge in life. If I can teach her to harness her power (which requires me to find my own) she will be an amazing woman. If I can not teach her she will teach her self. In fact, she'd probably prefer it that way as long as there was an audience. A Scorpio from top to bottom. She loves secret places.

Abigail - the last gift under the tree. She will put a smile on your face on the darkest of days. Joyful, bright eyed and adorable. She never fails to amaze me with her intelligence and willingness to try everything her big sister does. She's upfront even at 21 months. She will tell you what she wants when she wants it without fail. Her determination and drive to hang with the pack is so refreshing and appreciated. She completes our family tree and makes me a better mother.

Three daughters to grow. I love growing things! If I am delicate enough, confident enough and honest enough to know when I'm screwing it up, if I share myself with them and encourage them to be themselves our rewards will be so amazing. Cycles are being broken at my house. I refuse to be tight lipped and tough skinned. I cry when I am hurt and I talk about it out loud. I laugh when I am happy and shower each of them with love and affection. I will not hide my weaknesses from them and they will know when I am proud of them. I don't really know exactly how to be a great mother but I know I will try. I will always try to be better.




This video was made New Years Eve. I have made it a tradition for the past couple of years because I don't want to forget. I never want to forget the important things.