Somethings got to give.

Perhaps that's me. Okay, it's definitely me. I do give a lot but am I doing it in the right way? I don't know how I could find more time to try harder as a mother, wife, contributor, etc, but something is amiss and the common denominator is me. I am not participating on a level that I am capable of and that is my own fault.

I am deep in thought these days. Which is refreshing because for months I have been going through the motions with a dense fog all around me. I haven't set any goals for myself because I didn't feel like there was time for any of my desires but that isn't true. There is time if I make it. There is time for me to be better.

Facebook is my enemy. Did you hear me? I said facebook is my enemy. Life is not a popularity contest and watching others live their lives through a filter is not called being productive. Step one!

Just getting that out there....

My concern is that too much too soon will be overwhelming for me. I have to be realistic in that I have major commitments that require a lot of strength, time and effort to accomplish what needs to be done on a daily basis. Two small children at home does not allow much time for anything. A part time daycare is a worthy commitment to people who truly depend on my availability. I don't have a lot of free time where I can concentrate on something that requires my undivided attention outside of mothering and babysitting. My evenings are for my family and I to connect which speaks for itself. Families need to connect to stay together. It's what is missing in our world today. I feel better when we all find time to love.

I also carve out a hour for working out. I need that time - it is the one part of my day where peace washes over me consistently. I feel better about myself because I exercise. I am convinced that I would be in the crazy house if I wasn't giving this to myself to be honest.

The goal is to find fulfillment and stimulation through the tasks at hand and to work on the parts that make me a better mother/caregiver/wife/person. It's important to keep the parts that make me feel great, the working out, the family time, the loving. The things that make me feel bad need to go. There are things I can't change in my life that make me unhappy, for example, laundry, but I can choose to limit the stuff that fails to contribute to my life in a healthy, positive way and make room for more productive thigns.

One thing I am putting time into now is my patience. Another is spending less time in self pity land (which is A LOT! so that should really free up some time). I guess I start there and keep working on finding ways to make my day to day seem more important.

I read something this morning as I googled cyberspace to help me find inspirational things to read. I am looking for importance, real inner-confidence and ways to make myself happy in the life I am leading. Changing anything but my outlook at this point seems a little too daunting (baby steps). Besides, I think our attitude is where it all begins. This statement is something mothers (or maybe just me) know but tend to forget as we try to find self worth in our lives during this season of motherhood.

I'll sum it up like this. Every single accomplishment in life is fleeting except for one thing. Our relationship with our children is forever. FOREVER! What that means is I could sing on a mountain top for all to hear and get praises beyond measure. It won't matter in a week. I could be an accomplished doctor, or lawyer, or teacher. In time there will be another and to some degree our work will not matter. I could be the most beautiful, skinniest, perfect woman on earth and in time it will fade. The time and effort we put into our children and the bonds we form with them will last our lifetime. This is the most important thing I will EVER do. EVER! So if I can't find fulfillment in this, what can I find fulfillment in?

The trick is changing my perception of success. The key will be finding value in what I'm doing NOW because I'll be honest with you, there has never been a time in my life when I truly felt that my work was really mind blowing and great to begin with.

Again, it's changing my mentality not necessarily what I am doing.

The fog is lifting slowly. I want to be everything my children need. I want them to be happy, confident and loving women who contribute to the world in a positive way. I want them to be good wives and mothers and friends. That is only going to happen if their foundation is secure. So I continue this journey and will find my niche. I am not going down without a fight - I will finish what I started and not just get by like my mother did (I'm sorry mom, but it's true). I will be great because they deserve it.

I will be someone who embraces growth, change and enlightenment. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems impossible. Even when it hurts. And let me tell you, it hurts A LOT these days, more than it ever has! But sometimes it is perfect. It's the perfect moments that make it worth it.


***I'm sorry if this seems scattered and all over the place. It is me, it's where I'm at, it's who I am. I am letting the words come out as they are and not worrying about the opinions on the quality of my work because it doesn't matter. The writing isn't the work, the work is me and the writing is secondary. It's a tool for me to release the thoughts in my head and it helps me immensely. Thank you for listening. That is all.