Sometimes I wake up crying at night.

Sometimes I cry for other people I don't know because they're suffering. Sometimes I cry for two days and have no reason at all. I just cry a lot lately and I really wish that I didn't have to find the world worthy of tears. Even when I see the good I cry. The amazing? I cry. I just cry a lot.

I have had a rough couple of days. One reason being a nasty hangover. I am the saddest, most pathetic person when I'm hungover. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I have issues with alcohol I guess. I use it as a band aid but it is anything but, you'd think that I would learn. It usually triggers extreme sensitivity after the thrill is gone and it will last two or three days. I have had alcohol counseling in the past and compared to my twenties I'm a fucking saint. But still, I could put the bottle away and wouldn't suffer.

Let me clarify what I mean by "issues". I would probably categorize myself as an occasional alcoholic. I use it in an unhealthy way for unhealthy reasons and because it's not used properly I consider myself an abuser. I do this once a month, sometimes more sometimes less.

I abuse other stuff too but I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

I am a hot mess. I admit this. I am probably one of those people who just needs lifelong therapy because I can't handle the voices in my head all alone. I had one year of weekly sessions that put me in a really great place. And then we moved here and everything I had been working on was destroyed. I need someone to tell my secrets to. I need someone to help me figure life's garbage and find ways to recycle it to make me useful again.

I don't feel useful at all. I feel lost, helpless, out of sync with everything.

Is this what parenting full time has done to me? I am a mother of two small children who take every single thing I have and stomp on it. I'm not kidding. I have a very difficult three year old and a soon to be two year old. ENOUGH SAID. What sucks is there isn't a support group for people like me around here and there FUCKING NEEDS TO BE! There needs to be more people in the world who are able to allow themselves to be honest and vulnerable. Because I need them dammit!

You want to know a secret? I think my tubal has screwed my body up. I used to be an emotional girl but now I feel out of control. Last week, when I allowed myself some blog time I was having pretty even days. I was accomplishing things and allowing myself to work through issues. This weekend was my "ovulation" or suppressed ovulation rather since the egg has no where to go because I had the tubes tied and I was a train wreck. This never fails to set my mood on a downhill spiral. My hormones act like a raging river and I feel desperate, sad, lonely, incapable, worthless, undeserving, gross, ugly, stupid. I am just all over the place. It's pretty extreme. I cried most of the morning and when we left to run errands as a family I fought back tears several times.

This isn't normal for everyone, is it?

Now that we finally have health insurance I'm going to make an appointment with our new doctor. Maybe there's something safe to take that keeps me on track. I can't focus (as if you couldn't tell that from this stupid fucking post). I want to feel normal again. I wonder if tubal reversals are covered under our new insurance plan? And a vasectomy because I am not having another kid.