Where the hell have I been?

My winter rut is in full swing as of late and although I'm managing the kids, the house and the rest of it there is little time for blogging. Why?

Depression and probably Facebook.

I'm fucking hooked on that son of a mother. I'm not sure why I spend so much time on there, maybe because I'm lonely and lack ambition to do anymore laundry. Maybe it's because I'm bored with myself and the lives of others seems so much more intoxicating than my own simple little housewife life. Whatever the reason, I am making a promise to myself to spend less time there and more time where it counts and part of that is blogging.

Writing about day to day gives me something to reference to. I enjoy looking back and seeing the growth I've allowed in my life. It doesn't need to be particularly significant to anyone else because it matters to me.

Me.


My life, my family, my desires, my goals.



Me.

It has occurred to me that I have been trying to make myself into something or someone I am not. Maybe this is how I've always been. I don't do this to be fake or to trick people. It's a Pisces thing really. Or so I think. Maybe we're late in finding ourselves or just trying to please people so we pick what we think are likable behaviors but really it just ends up being weird because it's not who we are; it comes off unnatural and forced. I want to like what I like and not be afraid that someone else will be upset with me because of it. So adolescent to feel that way at this point in my life, I know. I am just trying to figure it all out.

I don't see myself as a particularly selfish person but I am all consumed with my "self". My image, how people see me, if they like me, if they don't like me. If they don't like me then why? What did I do, what can I change, please like me, please!!!! Oh.MY.freakingWORD it is endless. I drive myself insane comparing and checking lists of who I am and why I'm not more like this one or as pretty as that one. I'm making a commitment to discontinue this way of living and moving forward because it is suffocating me. My ego is out.of.control. It's holding me back from accomplishing anything meaningful in my life and it has taken the wind from my sails.

I believe that I used to have sails full of wind. I used to have ideas and thoughts about my future and who I was and it had little to do with what so and so was doing, wearing, thinking feeling. I was once a girl who took risks and made choices that lead me toward success not the spiraling twister of doom that I've somehow gotten caught up in. I used to value my talents and although I was always critical I didn't pick them apart piece by piece until nothing was left.

I am done with that because I am so unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't deserve to be unhappy. I really don't. I have a wonderful family. I am healthy. I have a home and a vehicle that runs and a steady source of income. I have food on my table. I can afford to eat fruits, vegetables and whole grains and even have space to grow them in the summer months. I don't have any unsecured debt. My husband is equipped and well on his way to a promising professional career. We love each other even after 12 years of marriage and three rug rats who have challenged us in ways unimaginable. Together we have given life to three adorable, healthy, beautiful, talented, independent daughters who will most likely give us plenty of babies to spoil in our old age. So yeah.

I don't get to be unhappy.

I'm bringing blogging back. I will try to write without worrying what someone else with think or feel about me or my grammar. I will try to write because it means something to me. I will write about the grace that has been given to me. I will write about the things that make me happy and focus more on the positive and less on the negative. If I start here and practice maybe it will bleed into the rest of my life starting now. I have to move ahead lest I get stuck here forever. I find it very cleansing, writing down these insecurities and obstacles. I didn't sit down intentionally to write these feelings down, they just came out and that is why I need to blog. As tears fall down my face I honestly see footprints behind me. Finally, a step.