Dear Universe, Are you trying to tell me something?

I don't know if I can even put my experiences from just this one morning into words. It has been one hell of a day.

I'll start with one of the goals I have set for myself lately. I don't want to yell at my kids and show extreme impatience because I don't like that mom. I am not going to be that mom and the only person who can keep that mother at bay is ME. So I have been on a quest to breathe and relax when I get upset because that is what grown ups do. We take the hard right over the easy wrong.

Let me tell you right now, it's as if the universe is connected right to my very soul right now because I have been given many opportunities to be calm and take it in stride this week. I have been given trigger after trigger to face and I haven't passed every single test but I have passed enough that I know it's possible for me to be who I want to be with careful and thoughtful decisions.

This morning it seemed like one thing after another and each were little tests to my commitment to change. I handled everything really well and was feeling so proud of myself. And then another test.

The reason I had to revisit some hurtful memories this week was because my alcoholic aunt decided it was her mission to save someone else by sharing a personal part of my life with them while she was drunk. Her intentions - I truly believe were innocent. She's a drunk, she doesn't think clearly when she's inebriated. She spins little webs of excuses and lies to make herself feel better for all the pain she has suffered and caused in her life. So I give to her forgiveness for that reason. I didn't confront her, I just let it go and let the rest play out and let the cards fall where they may. All the while focusing on my own life, my goals, and the obstacles I'm facing here. I knew if I did approach her it would be in anger, and I would say unhealthy, hurtful things that did nothing but fuel a raging fire that is out of control.

I am proud of that decision for one reason. I didn't try to clean up a mess because I felt like I had done something wrong, or lash out in anger to seek revenge because I knew it would hurt me even more. Wait, that's two reasons. Neeeevermind...moving on.

Instead, I wrote a heartfelt letter to the other party this gossip involved and confided that I believed in him and to take this opportunity to dig out the skeletons and help himself find peace within. I love this person so much that I would do anything I could if it meant that they could have the same lucky breaks I have had. I want so bad for him to be happy because he deserves it. Everyone does. It's just a matter of believing it and taking the steps to fix what is causing you problems in life.

Today, however, was the day that I was to be confronted. She called while I was out testing my patience and grabbing some groceries with my two youngest girls because I'm going way on Thursday to see my mother in Tennessee for four days sans my family. In an effort to thwart off any guilt I am making sure it's extra easy on those left behind. Anyway, she left a message on my machine to the effect that she knew I was home and just avoiding her but if I wanted to talk about what happened I should call her.

So I gave myself some time to grab my confidence and took her up on her suggestion. Not in anger, not in disgust. She hasn't accepted that life can be better if she let the truth in and had the strength to beat her demons, that she was in charge of her life not the liquor. Much like I feel sometimes when I allow self pity and regret to take over. So I empathized. Which is SO HEALTHY! Okay, I know I'm patting myself on the back here but my family history is so damned ugly that most would run for the hills and write off their childhood as a loss and tuck it away without really facing the issues. So I'm proud of myself. I can't help it.

She started the conversation pretty defensive and I remained calm despite not understanding her point of view (heh). I spoke up for myself and explained that while I understand where she was coming from, she spoke of something that wasn't her business, and not in a way that would warrant her to do so. She was drunk. Just that alone makes it wrong for me. It just does. This information she shared is so personal and painful that I have spent years, YEARS trying to forgive myself and others involved so that I could move on and live my life without the constant stream of thoughts in my mind that scream "You are a piece of shit, no good for nothing, never going to amount to anything human being that deserves to die." These are the things I hear every day, the comments I fight against because my girls need a healthy mother. I will break this cycle if it is the last fucking thing I do.

She apologized, I accepted. The story continued and I was as honest with her as I could be. She admits she's an alcoholic and she was wrong to share my pain in the way she did. When I asked her why she continues to live this life she replied with, "because I like the taste of beer". Okay, so I guess you're not ready yet then. I did gently remind her that she is alone for a reason and that she could ask anyone she knows in her life whether or not they believe she puts alcohol before anything else in her life and they will all tell her the same thing. I told her that I loved her and hoped that someday she would do right by herself and become clean. That we all loved her, but we didn't love her behavior. She made a hundred different excuses for herself and I resigned that I had said my piece and that was ALL I could do.

I did all of this from such a calmest of places inside of me. I can't explain it any other way than to say that my angel was just there embracing me and holding me so tight so I could be strong and hold it together. I cried here and there but I said what she needed to hear because most people in her life are so over her that they won't even give her the time of day to plead with her anymore, that includes the countless ex-husbands and four children she has. She has pushed every single person out of her life but her mother.

I did the right thing today. And not only that, I remained calm in the eye of the storm when Emily through a major tantrum when I was at my lowest point after the phone call had ended. So for that I thank God, or the Universe, or Mother Earth, or whatever power was hovering over me because it was definitely there holding me up so that I could be a voice for them. The messenger, the helper, the healer. I did it. And I feel so good about it and regardless of the consequences of my actions I did it.

I took the hard right over the easy wrong.