Insomnia and more clarity.

Two nights of insomnia this week and tons of internal dialogue later and I have made a few more strides personally.

I acknowledge that I have sounded like a broken record for such a long time that I actually believe the bad outweighs any good in reference to my character as a person. I have cried and cried for help but could never seem to get to where I needed to be. I've always wondered why but realize now that acceptance doesn't come in the form of a party, or a friend, or lover, or even the most trusted person in my life.

It has to come from me. I have been so busy trying to get approval from the world when the only person who needed to give it was me.

DING, DING, DING!!!

I've known this forever but wasn't listening apparently because I continued to fall into the same old behaviors and patterns that kept me buried deep in regret and self pity. I have made some improvements through a year of therapy but not enough to make enough of a difference because there has always been that slippery slope just waiting for me to fall over the edge. I still engaged in risky behaviors and still told myself over and over that I wasn't worth the penny at the bottom of a drain hole.

I had to revisit a very embarrassing memory this week. A dirty little not so secret memory that has been the root of most of the difficulties I've had to endure personally. It has kept me running and unwilling to look back for fear of god knows what - being unlovable, or judged, and hated. It felt like I was caught up in a massive twister continuously spiraling out of control. I didn't have time to think about the shame if I didn't hit the ground.

All of the things in my life that have molded me into this insecure woman that I'm working so hard to banish are all so intricately hardwired into the other that it's almost impossible to put into words. Since I had to revisit and deal with this memory again a lot of other difficult memories have resurfaced as a result.

It's stressful to be there. To remember. To relive.

I guess that is God's way or the Universe's way (I don't like to label the power source very much) of telling me that the journey wasn't over, not by a long shot. There is still more work to be done, obviously, because of all the sadness I still feel inside. If I truly want freedom from my demons I have to forgive myself and let them go. I have to lay my burdens down for good to find peace and happiness. And to shut that little bitch up that tells I'm not good enough.

I am trying so fucking hard. You have no idea. It causes so much unnecessary pain and self hatred that I can not hold onto anymore without crumbling under the pressure. It's not easy to let go of something you've let define you for most of your life, though, and it doesn't happen just because you want it to. It takes hard work, but worthy work.

For me.

For them. I can't teach my girls how to reach their full potential as strong women if I am but a small fraction of my own potential.

It stings.

The book I spoke of in my last post has been a wonderful tool this week. I think forgiveness begins with the tiny changes I make in my life that are unworthy of my time. If I can change the coping mechanisms and break down walls of fear and anger then I can get closer to the meat of the issue. Right? I mean I am no therapist but forgiveness and self hatred are counterproductive. Changing bad behaviors and letting go of the "small stuff" would be a good place to start don't you think?

Forgiveness, confidence, loving myself for the good in me and reminding myself that I'm human and we all have made mistakes is where it's at. It's like the heart that pumps blood through our veins which keeps us alive and thriving. Each vein, each artery, each muscle, every part of us is connected in very unique and meaningful ways. When one area is closed off something suffers. My journey is to flush out the bad and let the love flow baby. Let the love FLOW and course through my veins because I deserve it. I'm not ugly, unforgivable, unlovable or any of the other things the crazy bitch in my head tells me I am.

More clarity. It feels good.

In case you didn't notice? I LOVE TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS.

PS - I haven't used any type of unhealthy means of escape in over a week - in the form of substances anyway. I guess to let the light in you have to feel the darkness too. It has been worth it.

Aha moment!

My head is all over the place these days. I guess that is what staying home does for a person if you allow it. Too much time with your "self". I am busy but obviously not always present and my thoughts have been allowed "free range" so to speak and that is not okay with me anymore because that's where my unhappiness stems from. The fact that I don't have fulfilling relationships in my life is a true testament to that emptiness I feel. I have a ton of "friends" but lack true connections with anyone and I'd like to change that about me. Not just with girlfriends in my life but with my daughters as they grow. They need an example to go by and I want to be a good one for them so it doesn't take them so long to get a clue.

I'm reading a book that seems to be really helping me put things into perspective. I'm calling it my new bible because there are so many things we can do to bring peace and happiness into our lives that are addressed in this book only I don't go to hell for not following all the rules all the time.

This may not be new to any one who knows me personally, but I have been extremely self absorbed and living in my own bubble. I don't mean that you think I'm a bad person or uncaring and selfish, just that I have been living in my own head and not necessarily aware of much else. I know all kinds of things about a lot of people but have I been present in their life in a meaningful way? I don't really think so. I go about my days being a person who loves and gives but at the end of the day most of what I have done has been self serving in one way or another.

It's an awakening of sorts I guess. My big aha! moment if you will. I have carried these little tid bits of information with me but haven't acted on them. Actions speak louder than words, right? Thinking it hasn't been enough and will never be enough.

So off on my journey I go. My first goal is to be a better listener. That means no interrupting, no finishing sentences for people (VERY bad habit I have), and I don't always have to put my own experiences into a conversation. Occasionally, it is completely relevant, but most of the time you're just making it all about you which serves no purpose other than to enhance your SELF.

All of these things I have done innocently. I felt that if I could equate my experience with others it made our connection deeper. Wrong. Sometimes, it's good but many times you're taking away from what they are trying to say and making your experience seem more valuable than theirs.

I thought that I finished their sentences I knew what they were going to say before saying it, therefore making me their best friend ever because our connection was deep and strong. Really all I was doing was not listening and annoying them. Who wants to share their life with someone who never really hears what you are saying? NOBODY!

Amazing what you learn when you get over yourself for just a moment. I have been so caught up in my own experience and wisdom that I was alienating anyone who was willing to share and open their lives up to me. I am excited and happy to truly become aware of these things and figure out what was holding me back.

Now onto the hard part, changing bad behaviors is very difficult. This means I have to become aware of my ego and squash it before it can rear it's ugly head, easier said than done. I've already screwed up a few times and didn't realize it until after it was done because it's such an automatic response for me. After, I wanted to explain myself and apologize but I felt like that was just talking more about me and didn't serve a purpose so I let it be. Which I think is a good thing, definitely a step in the right direction.

I have a feeling that all the incoherence in my life is going to come into focus and I will finally begin to live a meaningful existence. That is such a good feeling. Perhaps when I master this part of my life my hidden potential will peak it's pretty little face out from behind the big fat cloud of ego it's been hiding behind. :)

Better day...

We all have good and bad days, it's what you do with them that matters. When I feel dumpy I usually try to engage more with my kids and keep myself busy so I can either distract myself from a crappy mood or change it.

Sometimes that is easier said than done.

My hormones have been really bad since I had a tubal ligation done after Abby's birth. The past six months have been pretty intense at times. All those feelings of despair that I wrote about last week were very real.

And then one day I wake up and I can function. I feel normal, still a little unsure of myself but not the out of control, train wreck of a woman I was a few days ago.

I do know recommend sterilization and will probably end up having a reversal if we can one day afford it. Can you say SNIP? Hopefully Jamie will be able to man up. I think the threat of a sexless marriage might work.

Yeah, like I could do that! At least I still have a healthy libido, which he so lovingly pointed out to my mother in law, aunt in law and step mother in law a few weeks ago. He's perfect like that.

Anyway, I do still have issues to work on and I do still need to find focus and stop escaping in true Pisces fashion but I'm not always the hormonal, out of control woman that cries for three days straight. I think when there is a better balance in my life between my family and myself things will even out. Toddler raising ain't for pussies.

Somethings got to give.

Perhaps that's me. Okay, it's definitely me. I do give a lot but am I doing it in the right way? I don't know how I could find more time to try harder as a mother, wife, contributor, etc, but something is amiss and the common denominator is me. I am not participating on a level that I am capable of and that is my own fault.

I am deep in thought these days. Which is refreshing because for months I have been going through the motions with a dense fog all around me. I haven't set any goals for myself because I didn't feel like there was time for any of my desires but that isn't true. There is time if I make it. There is time for me to be better.

Facebook is my enemy. Did you hear me? I said facebook is my enemy. Life is not a popularity contest and watching others live their lives through a filter is not called being productive. Step one!

Just getting that out there....

My concern is that too much too soon will be overwhelming for me. I have to be realistic in that I have major commitments that require a lot of strength, time and effort to accomplish what needs to be done on a daily basis. Two small children at home does not allow much time for anything. A part time daycare is a worthy commitment to people who truly depend on my availability. I don't have a lot of free time where I can concentrate on something that requires my undivided attention outside of mothering and babysitting. My evenings are for my family and I to connect which speaks for itself. Families need to connect to stay together. It's what is missing in our world today. I feel better when we all find time to love.

I also carve out a hour for working out. I need that time - it is the one part of my day where peace washes over me consistently. I feel better about myself because I exercise. I am convinced that I would be in the crazy house if I wasn't giving this to myself to be honest.

The goal is to find fulfillment and stimulation through the tasks at hand and to work on the parts that make me a better mother/caregiver/wife/person. It's important to keep the parts that make me feel great, the working out, the family time, the loving. The things that make me feel bad need to go. There are things I can't change in my life that make me unhappy, for example, laundry, but I can choose to limit the stuff that fails to contribute to my life in a healthy, positive way and make room for more productive thigns.

One thing I am putting time into now is my patience. Another is spending less time in self pity land (which is A LOT! so that should really free up some time). I guess I start there and keep working on finding ways to make my day to day seem more important.

I read something this morning as I googled cyberspace to help me find inspirational things to read. I am looking for importance, real inner-confidence and ways to make myself happy in the life I am leading. Changing anything but my outlook at this point seems a little too daunting (baby steps). Besides, I think our attitude is where it all begins. This statement is something mothers (or maybe just me) know but tend to forget as we try to find self worth in our lives during this season of motherhood.

I'll sum it up like this. Every single accomplishment in life is fleeting except for one thing. Our relationship with our children is forever. FOREVER! What that means is I could sing on a mountain top for all to hear and get praises beyond measure. It won't matter in a week. I could be an accomplished doctor, or lawyer, or teacher. In time there will be another and to some degree our work will not matter. I could be the most beautiful, skinniest, perfect woman on earth and in time it will fade. The time and effort we put into our children and the bonds we form with them will last our lifetime. This is the most important thing I will EVER do. EVER! So if I can't find fulfillment in this, what can I find fulfillment in?

The trick is changing my perception of success. The key will be finding value in what I'm doing NOW because I'll be honest with you, there has never been a time in my life when I truly felt that my work was really mind blowing and great to begin with.

Again, it's changing my mentality not necessarily what I am doing.

The fog is lifting slowly. I want to be everything my children need. I want them to be happy, confident and loving women who contribute to the world in a positive way. I want them to be good wives and mothers and friends. That is only going to happen if their foundation is secure. So I continue this journey and will find my niche. I am not going down without a fight - I will finish what I started and not just get by like my mother did (I'm sorry mom, but it's true). I will be great because they deserve it.

I will be someone who embraces growth, change and enlightenment. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems impossible. Even when it hurts. And let me tell you, it hurts A LOT these days, more than it ever has! But sometimes it is perfect. It's the perfect moments that make it worth it.


***I'm sorry if this seems scattered and all over the place. It is me, it's where I'm at, it's who I am. I am letting the words come out as they are and not worrying about the opinions on the quality of my work because it doesn't matter. The writing isn't the work, the work is me and the writing is secondary. It's a tool for me to release the thoughts in my head and it helps me immensely. Thank you for listening. That is all.

Tomorrow's horoscope from Johathan Cainer

"Your mood will soon change. The sunshine of inner-confidence will emerge from behind a cloud of concern that has been hovering over your world. You may not suddenly solve a problem, but you will at least see a way to work around it - or to live with it, in reasonable comfort, after a while. You will get a reprieve from a deadline or at least some indication that a tricky task is attainable. Just as a small splash of colour can bring life to a whole wall of white, you will find this new development improves the way you feel about almost everything. ..."

HA! I sure as heck hope so. I am insufferable, I hate the state of mind that I am in and really want the little epiphanies I have every day to stick. I want to feel good again. There's so much crap in this world, so much sadness, so much strife that I feel like a tool for my outlook and the sadness I am allowing. I want it all to go away and the happiness that I should feel for the blessings I have in my life, which are MANY, to return.

It might take medication, or maybe a greater effort on my part. Either way, somethings got to give because I can't live this cyclical nightmare that is my hormones these days.

Sometimes I wake up crying at night.

Sometimes I cry for other people I don't know because they're suffering. Sometimes I cry for two days and have no reason at all. I just cry a lot lately and I really wish that I didn't have to find the world worthy of tears. Even when I see the good I cry. The amazing? I cry. I just cry a lot.

I have had a rough couple of days. One reason being a nasty hangover. I am the saddest, most pathetic person when I'm hungover. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I have issues with alcohol I guess. I use it as a band aid but it is anything but, you'd think that I would learn. It usually triggers extreme sensitivity after the thrill is gone and it will last two or three days. I have had alcohol counseling in the past and compared to my twenties I'm a fucking saint. But still, I could put the bottle away and wouldn't suffer.

Let me clarify what I mean by "issues". I would probably categorize myself as an occasional alcoholic. I use it in an unhealthy way for unhealthy reasons and because it's not used properly I consider myself an abuser. I do this once a month, sometimes more sometimes less.

I abuse other stuff too but I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

I am a hot mess. I admit this. I am probably one of those people who just needs lifelong therapy because I can't handle the voices in my head all alone. I had one year of weekly sessions that put me in a really great place. And then we moved here and everything I had been working on was destroyed. I need someone to tell my secrets to. I need someone to help me figure life's garbage and find ways to recycle it to make me useful again.

I don't feel useful at all. I feel lost, helpless, out of sync with everything.

Is this what parenting full time has done to me? I am a mother of two small children who take every single thing I have and stomp on it. I'm not kidding. I have a very difficult three year old and a soon to be two year old. ENOUGH SAID. What sucks is there isn't a support group for people like me around here and there FUCKING NEEDS TO BE! There needs to be more people in the world who are able to allow themselves to be honest and vulnerable. Because I need them dammit!

You want to know a secret? I think my tubal has screwed my body up. I used to be an emotional girl but now I feel out of control. Last week, when I allowed myself some blog time I was having pretty even days. I was accomplishing things and allowing myself to work through issues. This weekend was my "ovulation" or suppressed ovulation rather since the egg has no where to go because I had the tubes tied and I was a train wreck. This never fails to set my mood on a downhill spiral. My hormones act like a raging river and I feel desperate, sad, lonely, incapable, worthless, undeserving, gross, ugly, stupid. I am just all over the place. It's pretty extreme. I cried most of the morning and when we left to run errands as a family I fought back tears several times.

This isn't normal for everyone, is it?

Now that we finally have health insurance I'm going to make an appointment with our new doctor. Maybe there's something safe to take that keeps me on track. I can't focus (as if you couldn't tell that from this stupid fucking post). I want to feel normal again. I wonder if tubal reversals are covered under our new insurance plan? And a vasectomy because I am not having another kid.

Thoughts about Happiness

Happiness isn't really something that magically happens to us. It's 90% attitude and 10% circumstance. Certain things do make us sad but our reaction to it and thoughts concerning it, if negative, can hold us back from achieving contentment.

In my case, my thoughts are suffocating. I revisit past mistakes on a daily basis. Mistakes that I can't even write about they're so bad. Mistakes that shame me beyond shame. I live with them and go about my days acting like they're not there but they are present. Always present and looming over my head like a storm cloud. They make me feel like my whole entire life is a lie. I find them so unforgivable that I beat myself up regularly over them. An important part of my journey is forgiveness. I am not there but I do know that if I don't allow myself to be human I will be forever chained by the memories of the past.

I also have a lot of sadness that revolves around my mother and father. My father because he died before I could hang onto any type of memory of him, my mother because I need one and don't really feel like I have one even though I really have two. My grandmother because she raised me. My mother because she's still here and we love each other and have a relationship, just not a motherly one. I try to make them both proud of me and probably they are but they just don't show it or know how to. I don't have someone to guide me or help me work out issues in my life. I didn't have someone to help me as a girl when growth and enlightenment were really important. I envy people who did to a fault.

Which reminds me, envy, if I'm being completely honest is one of the biggest cruxes I face daily. I don't find value in myself because I'm wishing I was as good, as happy, as wealthy, as beautiful, as successful as someone else instead of just accepting my own beauty, talents and greatness. I acknowledge this weakness and I work on it a lot but not enough because it's still a large problem. It's not productive. It's counterproductive actually and it snuffs my light and makes my heart ugly even though I have so much to offer.

My negativity is excruciating sometimes and turns me into someone I don't like. Negative thoughts, reliving the crap and ignoring the wonderful parts of my life are what robs me of happiness. My ego has taken over my existence and feeding it the way I do keeps me in that state of turmoil that I so desperately want to break free of. I deserve to feel good about myself and about my decisions in life because mistakes don't matter. Other people's mistakes don't matter.

I want to purge negativity from my life. I want to rid myself of the guilt I face for the things I've done. No longer do I want to be ruled by all of my hurt I've experienced and caused. It's important that I break free of this and allow my light to glow brightly. If I don't I will never find anything but regret. And that's just stupid.

Slipping back in time.

That's what I feel like when I read older posts on this silly little blog of mine. I can't even remember the woman who had just one child. I can't recall the woman who packed up her beloved home in Maine and schlepped to Upstate New York with nothing but a wish for her husband's success. I gave up a lot when we moved here.

Two more daughters later and five years of SAHM'ing and here I am. Sometimes I feel like I have been robbed of individuality. Then other times I feel like the person I'm supposed to be. We all have layers and as we go through life each new layer presents itself at different times. My layer right now is motherhood and all that goes with it. That comes with sacrifices and changes that we sometimes have to make. This may be done begrudgingly; it's easier for some than others, but lovingly. Always for love. It's the love that makes it worth it.

I have been given three gifts. Three chances to erase damage and find healing and growth through love.

Sydney - my oldest girl. She'll be 10 in a few weeks and just writing that down makes it more real than ever. I choked on a tear just now thinking of her blossoming into a teen and all the turmoil that goes with it. She's getting boobs now and her skin is changing a little. She's beautiful and smart and kind. I love her and I love the way our relationship is developing into something different, something meaningful. I am constantly trying to nurture, teach, talk and listen It means so much to me that we're close. She is the reason that her dad and I love each other so much. The mere thought of breaking her heart by severing our bond as a family was strong enough to keep us together long enough to realize that we are best friends.

Emily - my middle girl. The center of our family. She wouldn't have it any other way and I think the rest of us feel the same. A dimple on her right cheek, buck teeth from her pacifier and bad genes. She's vibrant, intensely loving, aggravatingly stubborn and beautiful. I will get more wrinkles from her than any of my girls. She's my great challenge in life. If I can teach her to harness her power (which requires me to find my own) she will be an amazing woman. If I can not teach her she will teach her self. In fact, she'd probably prefer it that way as long as there was an audience. A Scorpio from top to bottom. She loves secret places.

Abigail - the last gift under the tree. She will put a smile on your face on the darkest of days. Joyful, bright eyed and adorable. She never fails to amaze me with her intelligence and willingness to try everything her big sister does. She's upfront even at 21 months. She will tell you what she wants when she wants it without fail. Her determination and drive to hang with the pack is so refreshing and appreciated. She completes our family tree and makes me a better mother.

Three daughters to grow. I love growing things! If I am delicate enough, confident enough and honest enough to know when I'm screwing it up, if I share myself with them and encourage them to be themselves our rewards will be so amazing. Cycles are being broken at my house. I refuse to be tight lipped and tough skinned. I cry when I am hurt and I talk about it out loud. I laugh when I am happy and shower each of them with love and affection. I will not hide my weaknesses from them and they will know when I am proud of them. I don't really know exactly how to be a great mother but I know I will try. I will always try to be better.




This video was made New Years Eve. I have made it a tradition for the past couple of years because I don't want to forget. I never want to forget the important things.

Where the hell have I been?

My winter rut is in full swing as of late and although I'm managing the kids, the house and the rest of it there is little time for blogging. Why?

Depression and probably Facebook.

I'm fucking hooked on that son of a mother. I'm not sure why I spend so much time on there, maybe because I'm lonely and lack ambition to do anymore laundry. Maybe it's because I'm bored with myself and the lives of others seems so much more intoxicating than my own simple little housewife life. Whatever the reason, I am making a promise to myself to spend less time there and more time where it counts and part of that is blogging.

Writing about day to day gives me something to reference to. I enjoy looking back and seeing the growth I've allowed in my life. It doesn't need to be particularly significant to anyone else because it matters to me.

Me.


My life, my family, my desires, my goals.



Me.

It has occurred to me that I have been trying to make myself into something or someone I am not. Maybe this is how I've always been. I don't do this to be fake or to trick people. It's a Pisces thing really. Or so I think. Maybe we're late in finding ourselves or just trying to please people so we pick what we think are likable behaviors but really it just ends up being weird because it's not who we are; it comes off unnatural and forced. I want to like what I like and not be afraid that someone else will be upset with me because of it. So adolescent to feel that way at this point in my life, I know. I am just trying to figure it all out.

I don't see myself as a particularly selfish person but I am all consumed with my "self". My image, how people see me, if they like me, if they don't like me. If they don't like me then why? What did I do, what can I change, please like me, please!!!! Oh.MY.freakingWORD it is endless. I drive myself insane comparing and checking lists of who I am and why I'm not more like this one or as pretty as that one. I'm making a commitment to discontinue this way of living and moving forward because it is suffocating me. My ego is out.of.control. It's holding me back from accomplishing anything meaningful in my life and it has taken the wind from my sails.

I believe that I used to have sails full of wind. I used to have ideas and thoughts about my future and who I was and it had little to do with what so and so was doing, wearing, thinking feeling. I was once a girl who took risks and made choices that lead me toward success not the spiraling twister of doom that I've somehow gotten caught up in. I used to value my talents and although I was always critical I didn't pick them apart piece by piece until nothing was left.

I am done with that because I am so unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't deserve to be unhappy. I really don't. I have a wonderful family. I am healthy. I have a home and a vehicle that runs and a steady source of income. I have food on my table. I can afford to eat fruits, vegetables and whole grains and even have space to grow them in the summer months. I don't have any unsecured debt. My husband is equipped and well on his way to a promising professional career. We love each other even after 12 years of marriage and three rug rats who have challenged us in ways unimaginable. Together we have given life to three adorable, healthy, beautiful, talented, independent daughters who will most likely give us plenty of babies to spoil in our old age. So yeah.

I don't get to be unhappy.

I'm bringing blogging back. I will try to write without worrying what someone else with think or feel about me or my grammar. I will try to write because it means something to me. I will write about the grace that has been given to me. I will write about the things that make me happy and focus more on the positive and less on the negative. If I start here and practice maybe it will bleed into the rest of my life starting now. I have to move ahead lest I get stuck here forever. I find it very cleansing, writing down these insecurities and obstacles. I didn't sit down intentionally to write these feelings down, they just came out and that is why I need to blog. As tears fall down my face I honestly see footprints behind me. Finally, a step.

October stuff.

One thing that rubbed me the wrong way this year was the lack of summer. A two week trip to Maine gave 13 days of rain and two partly cloudy. Spencer was a little better not the summer we're used to. I held onto a hope all of July and August that autumn would recharge me for winter. It never happened.

Instead?

This was my morning greeting from Mother Nature in early October.

I am bracing myself for a difficult winter weather wise. I have only heard of the snow these parts of NY are known to get. We have never bothered to upgrade our shovel to a snow blower because we've always gotten by on the manpower between us.

Honestly? I still have a pair of snow shoes still tied together in it's packagingthat I got 5 years ago for Christmas. I could dig getting some poles and taking to the trails a few times this winter. But not in OCTOBER!

Whatever. Bring it bithces. I'll take the good with the bad because I'm hardcore like that.

In other news, Sydney has gotten the part of Gretel in her school play. Though, in my opinion, the sissified version they will be putting on is a far cry from the tale that was originally written. Ah well, I guess our kids don't really need to worry about some crazy bitch in the forest shoving them into an oven and eating them.

I have even more news to report if you can believe that! J is all but one week away from presenting his thesis and "discussing" his graduate work with his committee. They will grant him worthy or they will not. The not part is just more of a scare tactic to keep people in check. Not a lot of people go through this process completely and walk away empty handed. He's all but finished with his degree and we are about to enter into preparation phase number II. His post doc starts December 1st! WOOT! I am so proud of him. What an accomplishment.
Halloween was fun. We had a great time trick or treating with the girls. Abby was a little annoyed with all the walking but managed it if only for the reward. Candy is the bestest thing in the whole world when you're a kid. And we got TONS of it.

Which only scratches the surface of the sugar consumed by this family in the past two weeks since we also had a birthday celebration in there as well.

Ugh! I managed to maintain my weight loss but no progress to speak of. I started a serious celery eating phase yesterday. No more Goldfish and mindless snacking until Thanksgiving. Then I'll be a little more....giving.

Speaking of birthdays, Emily turned three! THREE! I am the most shocked about how quickly the years are flying by at our house. It's probably because we are so sleep deprived and delirious. She is totally potty trained now though. Score one for mom and I have begun socializing them (finally!). I make them sound like pets but truth be told, Emily has a slight problem interacting with children her own age and being able to cope and move on to something new when something gets sticky with another kid. Her only reaction is to retreat. She insists we leave RIGHT NOW. And I am a pussy mom because I bend to her will with a single look. I am not comfortable enough in that place to allow a melt down.

So now I'm wrapping this up in a really poor way but I'm tired of blogging right now and I only have so much time in my day. But there's a run down of the latest. More to come...

Purge.

The weather is definitely changing. I can't recall having an actual summer this year, it's as if we were living in Maine again. But I do welcome fall. Every single year I open my arms and embrace it with every ounce of energy. I had a short run this morning with the sun beating down but a chilly feel in the air that keeps you cool. I wish that autumn could just replace winter. As much as I love the north east, I think I may be better suited for a different climate. I always thought Monterey, California was a good place to live with even temps all year round. Maybe we'll settle there some day. Yeah, right.

Jamie is cleaning up our wood stove today, sealing new gaskets and adding new fire brick to replace the pieces that were falling apart. We still have about 3.5 cord of wood on our front lawn to pile, but what the hell ever. I am in no hurry to do it this year at all. Last year I piled nearly the whole thing by myself - that was with a newborn and breastfeeding. I think I was trying to lose baby fat and that motivated me but it didn't do jack shit for me.

Sydney has been making creative wreaths from the grapevines growing along our fence in the back yard. That girl has some serious talent when it comes to art. I am always in awe of her paintings she brings home from school. A few I have framed and more than a few I have set aside for frames. I just love her interpretations of animals, flowers and random shapes with bright colors. When I take the time to notice, watching her blossom into a young lady is invigorating. What a solid child she is. I did that! We did that together. In my opinion, there's a fine line between teaching your children to be honest, hardworking, productive members of society and completely fucking them up for life. I'm certain I teeter between the two regularly, but so far things are balanced pretty well. I have yet to hit peri-menopause, though I'm very close (I think?)and I will probably do some pretty psychotic things throughout those years of my life. We'll see...I'm pretty screwy hormonally speaking right now. I can't imagine what it will be like then.

Emily is talking, talking, talking. Sometimes she swears a little and I'm okay with that. What's life without a good cuss word. Abby is following suit and picking up words like crazy. They are fun to watch. A year from now they will be spitting out angry sentences in context to each other and I think that's going to be pretty awesome! Emily having someone other than myself to argue and fight with is a blessing. Abby is almost as big as her and she will be able to kick her ass into next week if she gets too out of line and I'll let her.

Nothing new, same old stuff, just a different day and we're all a little older. I am almost to a place where I feel like we might be able to enjoy something other than our kids and a good realty show. One of these days we're going to be able to actually go someplace without them and not worry incessantly about whether or not the babysitter is crying.

Little of this, little of that.

I made oatmeal banana cookies this morning. I love these cookies, all cake like and moist. Like a piece of banana oatmeal bread, only shaped like a cookie. A great pairing with a cup of green tea.

I've been gathering, foraging if you will, for winter. I've cleaned out drawers, filled them with long sleeves, jeans and tights, put the flannel on, made a few soups. Footie pajamas are plentiful and I've even cranked the furnace a morning or two. We are in the process of replacing parts to our stove, changing seals and making sure our wood is packed and ready for the chill. I'm always feverish this time of year. Ever anticipating the coming months.

The holidays are coming! That's always something that cheers my mood. A new countdown; I love countdowns! It always comes so quickly once school begins. We aren't traveling for Christmas this year and I am SO excited. I should really try to do it up big time in the house since we're going to be home. It will seem so magical to the little babies, and Syd too for that matter. I'm really looking forward to staying put. It's been a long time coming.

Speaking of school, Sydney is doing outstanding! That kid just loves her studies and tries her best no matter what. She's already devoured 5 books in just two weeks! We're very proud.

Jamie is less than two months from defending his thesis and will start his post doc here on December 1st! I cannot tell you the burden lifted knowing we will stay a bit longer. I was ready for a change but the money given to someone fresh out of grad school is small potatoes when compared to the cost of living in the areas that prestigious universities are located. Not that he has to have the best, but it makes sense to get a certain pedigree before you branch out on your own merit. He will learn a lot under his new boss. I'm very happy for his transition and the small raise that comes with it. He's very deserving, it's time for our family to arrive.

Still working out. I have to say that my pace was a bit ambitious and I started to feel like it was all work and no play. I'm going back to a routine that suits me and my family best. I'll get where I want to be, just in a happy way, a new way. I told you that I had to watch myself lest I fall down the slippery slope that is obsession. Besides, I got new videos and am very pleased with the outcome. I am so sore today that I'm taking a break and only doing my very low impact, more for fun, fitness class tonight. Important part being the class, I'm getting INVOLVED. Baby steps you guys. I'm a hermit since going through 18 months of pregnancy and 18 months of infancy. I had no business going any damn where with that big belly and breastfeeding in public wasn't my favorite thing. It's been a slow start.

In other news, Emily has found, and is fond of her vaginah. That's all I got to say about that. Though the potty training has been very positive over all! Very happy about the decrease in excrement in our trash bags.

Sydney got UGGS! I'm freaking serious! And jealous. She also shaved her legs for the first time. That's all I've got to say about that.

Abby has gotten down right skinny. Okay, so not skinny, we'll call it just above average vs. borderline obese! Kid had some serious chunk. I'm both happy and sad to see it go. Her clothes are fitting her better and she looks more comfortable climbing, but it means she's not going to be a baby much longer. She's the last of 'em. How fleeting time really is.

So there you have it. A little of this, a little of that.

My quest to fit and healthy.

The past three years have been trying to say the least. When I look at the whole, I have no idea how I made it to where I'm at right now. I could only deal with one itty bitty slice at a time. Back to back pregnancies has swallowed the first quarter of my thirties. Whether I liked it or not, I was on this ride and I was not the driver. I am grateful for my babies but growing and nursing two babies one after the other is a daunting task. When it was all over I was left a gooshy, overweight, overtired and over stimulated mess. It wasn't pretty.

In January I bottomed out. One moment in particular really hit hard. I was going out shopping with Sydney and wearing my kinda fat jeans and my soft mommy tummy was spilling over the top and my once baggy sweater wasn't so roomy anymore. I just wanted to cry I was so miserable. I probably did cry when I got to a quiet place where Sydney couldn't see her mother's anguish over her dilapidated post partum figure.

I needed a change and I knew that it wasn't going to happen on its own. I had to make a commitment to myself to start taking steps to change what was making me unhappy or shut up and get fatter.

One baby step at a time, I started a workout regime. It wasn't easy fitting it in, mostly because my habits and behaviors had to change drastically. I had to discipline myself to keep going, to keep myself from the couch when the opportunity to exercise presented itself and to do it consistently. One 45 minute workout wasn't going to burn the fat from two pregnancies. This was going to require some deeper digging.

For a long time I didn't see the scale budge more than 5 lbs. That was a grueling 5 lbs to lose too, it didn't just melt off me like I had hoped. My portion control was non-existent and I was still snacking on little things throughout the day which is ultimately what was holding me back. Three goldfish here, a sliver of cheese there, oh this one handful of buttery popcorn can't hurt, can it? Think again.

I am constantly feeding children all day long, children who eat 15 tiny meals a day because they need constant fuel to grown and develop. Do you know how hard it is to keep your fingers off their plates? It's not just about the food temptation, it's burned in my brain to keep from wasting it, which if you've ever fed a child you know that they eat maybe 1/3 of the modest portion you gave them. Even today I have all I can do to throw Emily's cereal in the trash or to sacrifice the crusts from their grilled cheese at lunch! I hate throwing it out but I couldn't pretend that the calories didn't count because clearly they did.

I kept at it though, slowly changing little things about each day and didn't give up just because I wasn't seeing major changes, or if I had a bad day/week. I continued even though some days I felt like a failure because I didn't log enough time sweating it out. My knees got sore, my routine was getting old and the winter was long. Boy, was it ever long.

Eventually, I started to feel how firm my legs were getting and that my clothes were fitting differently. My fat jeans fit me now and there was NO SPILLAGE! Jamie was noticing too if you know what I mean. It was little things like that which motivated me and I also began rewarding myself with new clothes or something else I wanted besides food.

There were times when I didn't work as hard as I needed to but 9 months later I'm still workout out. I am down 20 lbs and as strong as I was 10 years ago just before I got pregnant with Sydney. Last week I ran 22 miles and logged 3 hours of video. I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. I find myself excited for the end of the day when Jamie gets home so I can sweat it out. I challenge myself to see what I can accomplish instead of contemplating how little I can do and still log in a workout. My knees don't hurt anymore because they're strong. I'm strong. And I love it!

One aspect of this that has empowered me greatly is that my hard work has motivated others to push themselves. And it's their pushing that helps me continue to push myself as well. We're all pushing hard together and debunking those myths that tell us we're not capable of being fit because it's too hard or too much work. We're surprising ourselves with moments of success and smaller jeans. We're doing it because we are worth the effort, not just to look good but to feel good. We are getting strong and healthy and learning a new way of life - a better way of life.

Working out isn't a quick fix to a fit body. Neither is a diet where you deprive yourself of food your body needs to thrive. It's a lifestyle you have to adopt. A change you have to make permanently and to understand that it happens gradually not immediately.

So this is my story - my journey thus far in getting a piece of myself back. I'm still working hard to get where I want to be and then maybe I'll slow down and do a maintenance schedule. Or maybe I won't because maybe I want to be better than before, maybe I want to run a race or three. Maybe I want to complete a marathon one day. Who knows. I'm not boxing myself in to any commitments but I'm not closing my mind off to possibilities either. So yeah. I'm feeling pretty awesome about that.

Lesson Learned.

Every weekend my family and I take a trip to Target or Evil-mart and buy the necessary items to get us through the week. Things like toilet paper, dish soap, cereal and twelve boxes of Dora fruity snacks. Yes, twelve. This one time we bought 11 and jeezum crow if it didn't ruin an entire Thursday.

I use to think shopping with one child was a challenge. So much so that it took me 6 years to willingly get pregnant with Emily. I remember admiring the abilities of the wife of my husband's boss one day. She had three girls and I was in awe of the way she handled each one so masterfully. I commented on how tough it must be and she modestly said "Oh honey, one baby, three babies, it's all the same." And I just want to go on record and say right here and now that IT IS NOT THE SAME.

I feel like every where we go it's always a major production. This one is running that way and the other this way. One needs to go to the bathroom and we can't find this one. Oh look! There she is, naked by the gumball machines again. We juggle kids like one of those entertainers people hire for their kid's birthday party. You know, the guy who juggles fiery rings and bowling pins like it's no big deal? Only we drop ours.

We weren't prepared for this either. Sydney was a shining example of a toddler and easy to take anywhere. Mother Nature likes to play cruel jokes on people and give them a false sense of good parenting skills, only to nail you in the ass the second go round. And sometimes the third. Which isn't really fair to Abby because she's generally well behaved. That is until you get to the Little Debbie Snacks. She was wrestling with a box of those for 10 minutes one afternoon and every time we tried to go in the opposite direction she began screeching like her name was Emily.

Just imagine my elation today when we get Abby loaded into the cart at Target and Emily decides she wants Daddy to take her inside the mall and Sydney wanted to join her. Luckily, Target is connected to the mall, otherwise we would have had a slight problem. Anywho, I was two children down and in Target with a wallet full of babysitting money. I could hardly contain the excitement, except I did because well, I didn't want to have to repay any favors later if you know what I mean.

My repressed happiness quickly turned into queasiness as I turned the corner and remembered that we were shopping in a college town and last week was orientation. By now all the parents were gone and the college freshmen had their brand new credit cards and allowances burning holes in their pockets. They can't buy beer yet and they don't have any friends that can buy beer yet, so guess where they all were? Yeah. Gold fish and granola bar shopping. The must haves for every diet of a fresh out of the nest almost grown up.

I'm inching through crowded snack aisles trying to stock up for the last week of summer vacation (Yes!) and I come to a dead stop because there are two young ladies with their cart parked at the exit of the aisle and while standing in the middle of the intersection with their butts sticking out to see if someone will go buy them some beer. At this point I'm just standing there kind of, but not really looking at them in hopes that they will move but they don't. So I inch a little closer and throw some Fruit Nuggets into my cart and try to initiate some sort of courtesy act where they get to be like most people and make room for the rest of the world. They clearly can not be bothered.

I do realize that these girls are over privileged, Ivy League princesses and haven't yet learned the rules of living in a world where not everyone kisses their tiny candy asses clad in Seven jeans so I show a little restraint, and it paid off because before you know it one of them rolls her eyes and moves the cart back 4 inches so I could squeeze through. IF I WERE A CONTORTIONIST. The other just stood there in the way with her ass sticking out just in case I had a valid ID. I gave them a slightly sarcastic thank you and went on my way. The kind where you pretend to smile but roll your eyes a little to get your point across.

I know, I'm subtle like that. Just ask Jamie.

I am half way up the next aisle when one declares "That PISSES me OFF!" just loud enough for me to hear. I reply in the same manner "Isn't that too bad" and go about my shopping adventure. Part of me (the 18 year old in me) wanted them to get even more obnoxious and come and chew me out so I could give them a piece of my mind and the grown up part of me knew it wasn't worth my time fishing out any sort of verbal justice. This is who they are right now but one day, one fine, glorious day they will be me and they are going to realize how self absorbed they once were. Or at least we all hope they will.

I have to side with the "they will" because I've thought about the two girls, and all the other newbies I encountered on my Target excursion today and my mind drifted back to my first years outside of my mother's reach. And man, was I ever slapped in the face with a big old fat dose of Karma. I was such an obnoxious little twit who would do anything to get a rise out of someone so I could look big. Except I never really was. Oh, sure, maybe to my friends or the geeks that hung on my every obnoxious word thought that I was hilarious, but I wasn't.

Today I laughed at my ability to see both sides and took comfort in knowing that they will all mature, and some other snotty size 2 will give it back to them one day. What goes around, comes around they say. And I might have made a mental note in hopes that next year I remember to stay away from Target juuuust long enough for the freshman to score some beer.

The final frontier!

Emily is finally taking up potty training. Actually it was sort of forced (I know! Bad Mommy) on her. She wasn't pleased about it, in fact, she threw a few tantrums where she insisted I put a diapee on her NOW.

I didn't.

I am so sick of wiping smeared shit off her ass that I just couldn't bring myself to surrender the Huggie any longer.

As of late, oh who am I kidding. Since birth, I have not felt like I had a lot of control over Emily's milestones. And I realize that life is just that way. Each child is different and takes alternative coaxing strategies to get them to reach these milestones.

With Emily there has been no coaxing. You couldn't give her a bottle; she wouldn't accept care from anyone but me for the longest time. She wouldn't sleep no matter how many different techniques we used to get her to sleep through. When she turned 9 months old I became pregnant and any energy I might have had to tackle the difficult aspects was tapped. She wouldn't even try to develop her language skills. She didn't respond to any real type of discipline and I have been pulling my hair out since day one, and I expect that ritual will continue until forever.

But I had to try.

More than a week has passed since our initial induction into Pantyhood and things are really going well. She doesn't protest anymore in the mornings when it's time to take her night diaper off. She hasn't had a ton of accidents, though there are some. But I expect some. I'm surprised she's not pissing herself accidentally on purpose to be honest with you. She has surprised us all and really flourished and grown throughout this process so far.

Which, I'll admit, didn't come without a few tears and doubts on my end. They don't recommend forcing potty training. All the books and online advice tell you to wait it out and let them decide when they're ready. I figured that I was doomed to change her diaper until Abby was ready to train and then it was a toss up if she would initiate it then or not. I'm glad that I took matters in my own hands now but last week I was really unsure if I was doing the right thing or not.

The one hint that finally convinced me that it was working is that I found her "I've gotta have this thing and I'll do anything to get it" item. Emily likes her some gum. And now I have little chewed up pieces of Trident all over my house and
pee stains on a few of my carpets but I'm going to rent a rug doctor soon anyway. It's worth the headache to be half way out of diapers.

So congratulate me ya'll. I've graduated to only one in diapers. I am so freaking happy to reach this milestone and I will gladly cart her butt to the facilities every 10 minutes if it is a means to an end.

Next thing to go? Binky.

Hopefully sometime before she gets her period.

I got what I wished for.

We're officially staying put for a few more years. Which, as you know, is exactly what I wanted, in that if I can't have what I really want then I don't want anything kind of way. I would rather stay here than move some place I don't want to live, even if that means being incredibly lonely at times.

The funny thing is, I'm kind of bi-polar when it comes to choosing where, because one moment I'm perfectly content in moving to the city near J's family. The next moment, not so much. I have never felt at home there and the only pull I feel is the benefit of babysitters and to instill the importance of extended family in my children. Plus the cheese steaks don't suck. Then the manic part of me suddenly wants to become a vegetarian and move closer to my family for the same, obvious reasons. Only I prefer lobster rolls up there - wait, can vegetarians even eat lobster?

The good part about staying put other than the whole not having to pack up a young, pants shitting (well two of us - I'm not telling which two) family of five, is not having choose where to be. I don't want to pick. I don't want one family to feel like we chose the other instead, even though it has little to do with what we truly want and more to do with where the job offer comes from. Even then it still won't matter to some people (read husband's people). They are relentless and really just want us all to live in one giant Kennedy-ish compound (seriously, this was mentioned). One where I get to mind all the kids and most likely change the Depends of the elderly along with the Huggies of the young.

They've promised there will be wine but I don't trust 'em. Not a single one. Hell, the husband introduced himself as Jamie - so I married him because I loved the way Jamie and Europa looked inside a heart with glitter. TRUE LOVE FOREVER. Five years later his name was Jim. I wouldn't have married a Jim. Jim looks like shit when written with my gold gel pen.

Deception runs in the family, I think.

Even if there is wine they'll probably make sure I wait until 5 pm and limit my consumption to a respectable two glasses because grown ups don't get drunk. And that's when I will frantically grip the bottle of wine and begin running around the compound in my thong yelling "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, YOU FUCKERS!"

And that, my friends, is probably when I'll be moving back to Maine.

My newest secret!

I don't blog much about this part of my life because I'm trying to do it in a healthy way without becoming too obsessed. Which, you know, is really hard considering our thin=beautiful mindset that has been burned into our brain. Have you seen some of those "super" models as of late? Who's that thin and still strong and healthy? Blech! But secretly, deep down in the pit of my stomach I wish I could be that thin and because of that little notion, I have to be diligent about keeping myself in check.

I did that when I was a kid and I know my thirties have suffered the consequences of my bad habits of my youth. I'm not willing to go back to that place now. I can't, I need to have fuel to keep me energized enough to keep up with a family of FIVE! Saying that out loud makes it seem so much more important than it feels on a daily basis. But yeah, my job is big.

Which makes it even more difficult to continue with a healthy lifestyle. It's so much easier to do quick and easy. That crap fuel is so readily available that it makes it hard to remind ourselves the importance of eating good, nutritious food. In my life long quest to find healthier yet tasty things to incorporate onto our table, I found these gorgeous little beauties.

Arnold's Sandwich Thins!!!
(I'm trying to post a pic but am not doing a good job at it so hit the link, k?)

But seriously - these are a best kept secret for sure. So versatile - I use them for sandwiches, burgers, mini pizzas, breakfast sandwiches and more. The best part is they are only 100 calories and made with whole grains, proven with the 5 GRAMS OF FIBER they have. I am insane that I care so much about fiber but I do, I DO!! Fiber is great and we need it in our diets.

That's my life tip from Europa for the um, for the um...time being.

BTW - the pizza I made for lunch today was only about 400 calories. Super easy, super yummy.

I chopped a lg slice of red pepper, onion and garlic - saute in olive oil until onions are translucent.
Add a bundle of roughly shredded and stemmed swiss chard (preferably from my own garden),a
palmful of chopped, fresh basil leaves. Cook until tender.
Add to each slice of bread middle side up 1/4 cup of tomato sauce and a sprinkle (I really mean a sprinkle) of mozz shredded cheese - about 40 cals worth, place atop the cheese a heaping spoon of the swiss chard/basil saute and add another sprinkle of cheese to the top of that.
I added a few pieces of fresh basil to the top of that cheese and baked at 375 until melty with a crispy crust.

I died and went to heaven and then died again. This is vegetarian, vitamin packed and full of fiber and whole grains. All for less than 400 calories. Swear.To.God. And I LOVED it. I felt like I was having a huge lunch and the smaller amount of cheese went a really long way so don't add more thinking you need it because you don't. I will say the chard left a slight, gritty after taste that is normal, but all the other flavors blended so well it made up for that.

I've used these a lot of different ways but the pizza inspired a post out of me. Go and buy these bitches if you're watching your weight but don't want to starve doing so. You won't regret it, I promise.

The secret to Sundays.

Enjoy the little things. Life is full of goodness!

All good things come to an end.

Which, in my opinion, is the really shitty part of life. But in this deep pile of shit there are lessons to be had. Lessons about our hearts, lessons about our weaknesses, and even lessons about our strengths.

I learned of someone's passing yesterday morning on Facebook. Strange, I know, but I will be honest in saying that social networks are my lifeline to the rest of the world. I would be so lonely without them, and I would also have a much cleaner house, but I digress.

Tears started to trickle down my face in disbelief because I live in the world where no one dies and we all get to live happily ever after, my rose colored glasses and I are like peas and carrots, you see. Luckily, the last decade of my life has been free of loss, free of the reality that life is a circle and not an infinite line. I was happy there, but it is not real life. I was painfully reminded of that yesterday.

I surely loved the man that passed, a father of an old friend. A father figure to an entire generation of small town kids. We all flocked to their home, my friends and I, because they were the cool parents that let kids be kids. They gave us their home as a haven to do the things we would have been sneaking off to do anyway. Instead we did it at their house, where they were watching and most definitely keeping an eye out, making sure we had a safe place to find ourselves. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. What a open heart, how extraordinarily generous this was of them to do. Maybe it was so their own kids would be safe under their roof, but whatever the reason I think at the end of the day they cared about all of us more than they meant to. And I am eternally grateful to them for their open door.

I wept for him. I wept for my friend, knowing the daunting task ahead. As one friend put it, he put the sun in the sky for his baby girl, and now she has to lay him to rest. Never to be heard from again on this earth, only memories will keep her safe at night from this day on. My heart broke for her sadness, for her mother's sadness and for the loss of the grandchildren he bounced gleefully on his knee.

And then I started to feel other sadness, the sadness ahead of myself and all of my friends. I felt the heaviness of the years ahead. We will all lose our parents and loved ones near and dear, of that I am certain. I started to get mad and wonder why this has to be a part of life. What is the point of this? What is the point of life at all? Why are we even here........to love so fiercely just to have it taken away? I just don't understand what good comes of this.

I am still not sure. But I know as life progresses, as I move forward with my days, it will all come into focus. There is a pattern to life in general. We all have cycles to live out - some cut short and others too long. I don't understand it, I don't always like it, but darn it all the good stuff is worth it.

I woke up with Abby in my arms this am. I woke up to Emily's laughter (read dramatic cries of injustice!), and Sydney's sleepy saunter into the living room to get her morning dose of toons. I woke up to coffee brewing and the gentle touch of Jamie's arms around me. I am enveloped in love every day I am blessed with a beating heart. Life is so good to me and always gives me what I need and when I need it. I need only to be patient and trust in it.

We do not get to choose when we die, but we do get to choose when we live. I will choose today just like I always do.

RIP James. You touched so many lives without even know it, I imagine. Your angel wings are surely made of gold.

Look who's ONE!

Shine on, Baby. Shine on.