Keep it in the family.

I know everyone has their burdens, their skeletons, their crosses to carry. Some people come out the other side with minimal injury, some people spend a lifetime living the same cycle over and over because changing doesn't seem possible.

My sisters and I have all struggled to become better mothers than ours was. It doesn't mean we don't love her or appreciate her for what she tried to do, just that she really wasn't equipped. We don't want our sons and daughters to struggle in the same ways we all have and so it's our mission to educate, talk, love, listen, help in whatever ways we are capable of. We support one another and talk about the job we're doing. Each of us has our own strengths and weaknesses, but I'd say the cycle of silence and ignorance is over. The buck stops with us and I especially will be damned if my girls are ever faced with raising themselves because I can't be bothered.

One person who hasn't grown with us in this way was our brother. Our Michael. The one who got lost in the shuffle. The one who decided that escape was a better choice for him. I imagine one reason was because he's a boy and didn't have the same maternal pull we had to clean up our act and change for our children. That is a powerful emotion that courses through your veins, nothing can sever that bond a mother has with her child. It's powerful, instinctual, the very basis of what makes a woman the nurturer.

When he became a father at the age of 15 he wasn't any where near armed with the grit he needed to be the provider and protector of his son. When he became a father he was a scared little boy in a young man's body but hadn't a clue what was needed or expected of him and he let that role wash away with the tide. It was easier. He knew he couldn't be who he needed, or he thought he couldn't. Which is where I'm really going here.

My brother hasn't had a single person believe in him I don't think. I am just really understanding this now because I've taken such a long time to grow myself. It's been such tedious work that I hadn't really thought much about Michael. I forgot about his heart and how he must feel so beaten down. Our mother tried to do her best by him, he was her baby boy, but our step father was hard as nails on him. I think mirroring his own father perhaps but it really fucked Mike up.

Since I can remember, he's always being the butt of all the jokes. The loser who wouldn't amount to anything. He took cues from the rest of the world and started to use humor as a way to deflect the pain the ridicule must have caused him in his life. He drank, acted stupid, and people laughed. The only time it seemed people liked him was when they could laugh with him, or at him. He could face the world and feel welcomed was when he was partying with them. Which sucks so many different ways from Sunday if you ask me. Once he was picked on at a party so bad that people threw him in the fire. He wasn't badly injured physically that day but what about emotionally? With each incident, each haunting laugh echoing through his mind, what happened to his spirit? It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about it.

When he was real young he had friends, misfits like himself who drank and acted rowdy. Boys will be boys. One night he and two of his friends were tooling the neighborhood, drinking and probably smoking pot. Their car left the road and when it flipped over, one of his friends was thrown from the car. Wwhen the car stopped turning it landed on his friend and was crushing him. Three boys having the night of their life and suddenly the earth stood still. The other friend, Russel, and my brother tried to lift it but couldn't so Russel left to get help. Meanwhile my brother sat there with his friend and watched over him, pleaded with the car to move, lifted and tugged and pulled with all his 13 year old strength and eventually watched his friend die.

Powerless.

Weak.

Utterly destroyed and left to blame himself for the rest of his life.

He couldn't lift the car, he couldn't get help fast enough, he couldn't save his life. He was just one big fuck up who couldn't do anything right.

Our father died the exact same way except it was a tractor that took his last breath away. It took his life and took the father that we all needed away from us. Each of us, voiceless, no say in whether we got to have a dad or not. We didn't get to know if he loved us. Mike needed him as much as we all did and then some.

So ironic for him to be sitting there powerless while his friend died the same way our father we never knew died. I wonder if he thought of him while he sat with David during the last hour of his life. I doubt it but still I wonder. It only occurs to me as I write, the coincidence of it all.

Wow.

And these little pieces of Mike's tragedy are just tiny fragments of the losses he's suffered. The pain that he must feel and always he has picked himself up enough to continue on another day. Maybe to drink another day, maybe to be stoned another day, but always another day.

No one got him counseling for this I don't think. I was only 11 when this took place, but I remember my grandmother coming to me and telling me what happened. I felt sad but I had no idea the gravity it held at the time. Children don't understand those types of difficulties for a reason. Perhaps it is God's way of protecting us from the darkness of life. Either way, I wish that I had visited this again with my brother later down the road, but I didn't.

And now I'm sorry, but I'm making up for it in other ways.

Mike has been given a wonderful opportunity under the worst of circumstances. He's in jail. There's no where to run, there's no booze to hide behind and he's managing to keep away from pot even though it's available to him. He's afraid to lose good time and he just wants out as soon as he can.

That isn't going to happen for another 9 months and two years following his incarceration he will be on probation with two years of prison hovering if he screws up.

Last week his girlfriend, who in my opinion is just a white trash hoe bag slut anyway, with her own set of baggage and problems, kicked him to the curb. I couldn't be happier. I'm taking full advantage of his misfortune and convincing him it's good fortune instead. Full access to free counseling which he'll need to get his license back, GED classes to finish his high school education, all tucked away in confinement where his meals and room and board are provided. I keep convincing him to accept his fate and make the very most of this time to get his shit together. I'm reminding my sisters every day to do the same. It's Mike's turn to change his stars.

He is the kindest, sweetest, , funniest, most generous person I know and I love him so much. I just don't want him to feel that pain in his life anymore. I don't want him to listen to the voice inside that tears him down. I want him to find happiness and a life with someone who will believe in him. I believe wonderful things are in store for him if he lets his light shine. As corny as that sounds, it's true. Everyone has blown it out over and over again for one reason or another but I'm hoping to put a blow torch to that son of a bitch and put a strong fortress of support around him. In this one moment, everything could change if we all work together.

I am my family's beacon. I believe this with all my heart. I think because of my bravery, I will help those willing to change their lives. I have been told twice in the past year that I was a healer. Once by a self proclaimed healer and once by a respected psychic in our area. I believe this now even though others may laugh or mock me. When the healer spoke to me last year I told him that I didn't know what he meant or what I was supposed to heal. I kind of chuckled and chocked it up to being something silly someone told me once. He told me then that when the time was right I would know what I was going to be used for. Well now I think I know.

I think I'm supposed to help people heal their hearts. I'm going to start with Michael's if he'll let me.

Dear Universe, Are you trying to tell me something?

I don't know if I can even put my experiences from just this one morning into words. It has been one hell of a day.

I'll start with one of the goals I have set for myself lately. I don't want to yell at my kids and show extreme impatience because I don't like that mom. I am not going to be that mom and the only person who can keep that mother at bay is ME. So I have been on a quest to breathe and relax when I get upset because that is what grown ups do. We take the hard right over the easy wrong.

Let me tell you right now, it's as if the universe is connected right to my very soul right now because I have been given many opportunities to be calm and take it in stride this week. I have been given trigger after trigger to face and I haven't passed every single test but I have passed enough that I know it's possible for me to be who I want to be with careful and thoughtful decisions.

This morning it seemed like one thing after another and each were little tests to my commitment to change. I handled everything really well and was feeling so proud of myself. And then another test.

The reason I had to revisit some hurtful memories this week was because my alcoholic aunt decided it was her mission to save someone else by sharing a personal part of my life with them while she was drunk. Her intentions - I truly believe were innocent. She's a drunk, she doesn't think clearly when she's inebriated. She spins little webs of excuses and lies to make herself feel better for all the pain she has suffered and caused in her life. So I give to her forgiveness for that reason. I didn't confront her, I just let it go and let the rest play out and let the cards fall where they may. All the while focusing on my own life, my goals, and the obstacles I'm facing here. I knew if I did approach her it would be in anger, and I would say unhealthy, hurtful things that did nothing but fuel a raging fire that is out of control.

I am proud of that decision for one reason. I didn't try to clean up a mess because I felt like I had done something wrong, or lash out in anger to seek revenge because I knew it would hurt me even more. Wait, that's two reasons. Neeeevermind...moving on.

Instead, I wrote a heartfelt letter to the other party this gossip involved and confided that I believed in him and to take this opportunity to dig out the skeletons and help himself find peace within. I love this person so much that I would do anything I could if it meant that they could have the same lucky breaks I have had. I want so bad for him to be happy because he deserves it. Everyone does. It's just a matter of believing it and taking the steps to fix what is causing you problems in life.

Today, however, was the day that I was to be confronted. She called while I was out testing my patience and grabbing some groceries with my two youngest girls because I'm going way on Thursday to see my mother in Tennessee for four days sans my family. In an effort to thwart off any guilt I am making sure it's extra easy on those left behind. Anyway, she left a message on my machine to the effect that she knew I was home and just avoiding her but if I wanted to talk about what happened I should call her.

So I gave myself some time to grab my confidence and took her up on her suggestion. Not in anger, not in disgust. She hasn't accepted that life can be better if she let the truth in and had the strength to beat her demons, that she was in charge of her life not the liquor. Much like I feel sometimes when I allow self pity and regret to take over. So I empathized. Which is SO HEALTHY! Okay, I know I'm patting myself on the back here but my family history is so damned ugly that most would run for the hills and write off their childhood as a loss and tuck it away without really facing the issues. So I'm proud of myself. I can't help it.

She started the conversation pretty defensive and I remained calm despite not understanding her point of view (heh). I spoke up for myself and explained that while I understand where she was coming from, she spoke of something that wasn't her business, and not in a way that would warrant her to do so. She was drunk. Just that alone makes it wrong for me. It just does. This information she shared is so personal and painful that I have spent years, YEARS trying to forgive myself and others involved so that I could move on and live my life without the constant stream of thoughts in my mind that scream "You are a piece of shit, no good for nothing, never going to amount to anything human being that deserves to die." These are the things I hear every day, the comments I fight against because my girls need a healthy mother. I will break this cycle if it is the last fucking thing I do.

She apologized, I accepted. The story continued and I was as honest with her as I could be. She admits she's an alcoholic and she was wrong to share my pain in the way she did. When I asked her why she continues to live this life she replied with, "because I like the taste of beer". Okay, so I guess you're not ready yet then. I did gently remind her that she is alone for a reason and that she could ask anyone she knows in her life whether or not they believe she puts alcohol before anything else in her life and they will all tell her the same thing. I told her that I loved her and hoped that someday she would do right by herself and become clean. That we all loved her, but we didn't love her behavior. She made a hundred different excuses for herself and I resigned that I had said my piece and that was ALL I could do.

I did all of this from such a calmest of places inside of me. I can't explain it any other way than to say that my angel was just there embracing me and holding me so tight so I could be strong and hold it together. I cried here and there but I said what she needed to hear because most people in her life are so over her that they won't even give her the time of day to plead with her anymore, that includes the countless ex-husbands and four children she has. She has pushed every single person out of her life but her mother.

I did the right thing today. And not only that, I remained calm in the eye of the storm when Emily through a major tantrum when I was at my lowest point after the phone call had ended. So for that I thank God, or the Universe, or Mother Earth, or whatever power was hovering over me because it was definitely there holding me up so that I could be a voice for them. The messenger, the helper, the healer. I did it. And I feel so good about it and regardless of the consequences of my actions I did it.

I took the hard right over the easy wrong.

I think I can do this!

On Mondays and Wednesdays we have playgroup at the school. Emily finally feels comfortable enough there to throw a tantrum (that was awesome! heh). But that isn't what this is about.

I don't get a lot of social interaction so these times are some of the only opportunities that I have to practice really connecting to other women. I didn't start going until this year and probably the main reason why I am so inept in social situations these days. I'm not sure I've always been such an introvert but I do know that the behaviors I'm looking to change right now have always been there. Again, all innocent, but still unfavorable.

I caught myself when I was about to interrupt and guess what a new friend was going to say. Turns out I was off base anyway so I was really happy that I didn't dominate and just listened to her instead. It felt good to be actively aware of myself and making a true effort to change the way I do interact in social situations.

There is another woman there who I enjoy very much and would like to become better friends with. Her patience with the three small children she brings to play (two are hers and one she babysits), the constant smile on her face despite some real difficulties she is facing being a newly single mother to 4, she inspires me to be better with my own kids and to be grateful that I have someone to depend on when days are tough. I am trying to find a way to be part of her life but I'm not sure she's looking or needing a new friend. She knows everyone here and already has a full roster of friends. I feel awkward and often put my foot in my mouth by saying things that are meant to be nice but come out as insensitive, or my paranoia sets in and it's neither. I suppose some patience and understanding are in order here. I can't control the situation and make her be my friend but if it is meant for me to be part of her life, if there is something for me to offer her than it will be.

Patience isn't my virtue of virtues. I've been so lonely for the past 5 years that it is very difficult to ease up a bit and just chill. All good things though, right?

Anyway, a small step in a positive direction. I am proud of the progress I made. I will not bash myself into the ground because one relationship isn't right for another person or me. Maybe I'm being sheltered for some reason because I have a bad habit of doing too much for people and getting taken advantage of. I don't need that in my life. Whatever the reason it's not my fault.

HOLY? I can almost smell the confidence dripping from me today.

Insomnia and more clarity.

Two nights of insomnia this week and tons of internal dialogue later and I have made a few more strides personally.

I acknowledge that I have sounded like a broken record for such a long time that I actually believe the bad outweighs any good in reference to my character as a person. I have cried and cried for help but could never seem to get to where I needed to be. I've always wondered why but realize now that acceptance doesn't come in the form of a party, or a friend, or lover, or even the most trusted person in my life.

It has to come from me. I have been so busy trying to get approval from the world when the only person who needed to give it was me.

DING, DING, DING!!!

I've known this forever but wasn't listening apparently because I continued to fall into the same old behaviors and patterns that kept me buried deep in regret and self pity. I have made some improvements through a year of therapy but not enough to make enough of a difference because there has always been that slippery slope just waiting for me to fall over the edge. I still engaged in risky behaviors and still told myself over and over that I wasn't worth the penny at the bottom of a drain hole.

I had to revisit a very embarrassing memory this week. A dirty little not so secret memory that has been the root of most of the difficulties I've had to endure personally. It has kept me running and unwilling to look back for fear of god knows what - being unlovable, or judged, and hated. It felt like I was caught up in a massive twister continuously spiraling out of control. I didn't have time to think about the shame if I didn't hit the ground.

All of the things in my life that have molded me into this insecure woman that I'm working so hard to banish are all so intricately hardwired into the other that it's almost impossible to put into words. Since I had to revisit and deal with this memory again a lot of other difficult memories have resurfaced as a result.

It's stressful to be there. To remember. To relive.

I guess that is God's way or the Universe's way (I don't like to label the power source very much) of telling me that the journey wasn't over, not by a long shot. There is still more work to be done, obviously, because of all the sadness I still feel inside. If I truly want freedom from my demons I have to forgive myself and let them go. I have to lay my burdens down for good to find peace and happiness. And to shut that little bitch up that tells I'm not good enough.

I am trying so fucking hard. You have no idea. It causes so much unnecessary pain and self hatred that I can not hold onto anymore without crumbling under the pressure. It's not easy to let go of something you've let define you for most of your life, though, and it doesn't happen just because you want it to. It takes hard work, but worthy work.

For me.

For them. I can't teach my girls how to reach their full potential as strong women if I am but a small fraction of my own potential.

It stings.

The book I spoke of in my last post has been a wonderful tool this week. I think forgiveness begins with the tiny changes I make in my life that are unworthy of my time. If I can change the coping mechanisms and break down walls of fear and anger then I can get closer to the meat of the issue. Right? I mean I am no therapist but forgiveness and self hatred are counterproductive. Changing bad behaviors and letting go of the "small stuff" would be a good place to start don't you think?

Forgiveness, confidence, loving myself for the good in me and reminding myself that I'm human and we all have made mistakes is where it's at. It's like the heart that pumps blood through our veins which keeps us alive and thriving. Each vein, each artery, each muscle, every part of us is connected in very unique and meaningful ways. When one area is closed off something suffers. My journey is to flush out the bad and let the love flow baby. Let the love FLOW and course through my veins because I deserve it. I'm not ugly, unforgivable, unlovable or any of the other things the crazy bitch in my head tells me I am.

More clarity. It feels good.

In case you didn't notice? I LOVE TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS.

PS - I haven't used any type of unhealthy means of escape in over a week - in the form of substances anyway. I guess to let the light in you have to feel the darkness too. It has been worth it.

Aha moment!

My head is all over the place these days. I guess that is what staying home does for a person if you allow it. Too much time with your "self". I am busy but obviously not always present and my thoughts have been allowed "free range" so to speak and that is not okay with me anymore because that's where my unhappiness stems from. The fact that I don't have fulfilling relationships in my life is a true testament to that emptiness I feel. I have a ton of "friends" but lack true connections with anyone and I'd like to change that about me. Not just with girlfriends in my life but with my daughters as they grow. They need an example to go by and I want to be a good one for them so it doesn't take them so long to get a clue.

I'm reading a book that seems to be really helping me put things into perspective. I'm calling it my new bible because there are so many things we can do to bring peace and happiness into our lives that are addressed in this book only I don't go to hell for not following all the rules all the time.

This may not be new to any one who knows me personally, but I have been extremely self absorbed and living in my own bubble. I don't mean that you think I'm a bad person or uncaring and selfish, just that I have been living in my own head and not necessarily aware of much else. I know all kinds of things about a lot of people but have I been present in their life in a meaningful way? I don't really think so. I go about my days being a person who loves and gives but at the end of the day most of what I have done has been self serving in one way or another.

It's an awakening of sorts I guess. My big aha! moment if you will. I have carried these little tid bits of information with me but haven't acted on them. Actions speak louder than words, right? Thinking it hasn't been enough and will never be enough.

So off on my journey I go. My first goal is to be a better listener. That means no interrupting, no finishing sentences for people (VERY bad habit I have), and I don't always have to put my own experiences into a conversation. Occasionally, it is completely relevant, but most of the time you're just making it all about you which serves no purpose other than to enhance your SELF.

All of these things I have done innocently. I felt that if I could equate my experience with others it made our connection deeper. Wrong. Sometimes, it's good but many times you're taking away from what they are trying to say and making your experience seem more valuable than theirs.

I thought that I finished their sentences I knew what they were going to say before saying it, therefore making me their best friend ever because our connection was deep and strong. Really all I was doing was not listening and annoying them. Who wants to share their life with someone who never really hears what you are saying? NOBODY!

Amazing what you learn when you get over yourself for just a moment. I have been so caught up in my own experience and wisdom that I was alienating anyone who was willing to share and open their lives up to me. I am excited and happy to truly become aware of these things and figure out what was holding me back.

Now onto the hard part, changing bad behaviors is very difficult. This means I have to become aware of my ego and squash it before it can rear it's ugly head, easier said than done. I've already screwed up a few times and didn't realize it until after it was done because it's such an automatic response for me. After, I wanted to explain myself and apologize but I felt like that was just talking more about me and didn't serve a purpose so I let it be. Which I think is a good thing, definitely a step in the right direction.

I have a feeling that all the incoherence in my life is going to come into focus and I will finally begin to live a meaningful existence. That is such a good feeling. Perhaps when I master this part of my life my hidden potential will peak it's pretty little face out from behind the big fat cloud of ego it's been hiding behind. :)

Better day...

We all have good and bad days, it's what you do with them that matters. When I feel dumpy I usually try to engage more with my kids and keep myself busy so I can either distract myself from a crappy mood or change it.

Sometimes that is easier said than done.

My hormones have been really bad since I had a tubal ligation done after Abby's birth. The past six months have been pretty intense at times. All those feelings of despair that I wrote about last week were very real.

And then one day I wake up and I can function. I feel normal, still a little unsure of myself but not the out of control, train wreck of a woman I was a few days ago.

I do know recommend sterilization and will probably end up having a reversal if we can one day afford it. Can you say SNIP? Hopefully Jamie will be able to man up. I think the threat of a sexless marriage might work.

Yeah, like I could do that! At least I still have a healthy libido, which he so lovingly pointed out to my mother in law, aunt in law and step mother in law a few weeks ago. He's perfect like that.

Anyway, I do still have issues to work on and I do still need to find focus and stop escaping in true Pisces fashion but I'm not always the hormonal, out of control woman that cries for three days straight. I think when there is a better balance in my life between my family and myself things will even out. Toddler raising ain't for pussies.

Somethings got to give.

Perhaps that's me. Okay, it's definitely me. I do give a lot but am I doing it in the right way? I don't know how I could find more time to try harder as a mother, wife, contributor, etc, but something is amiss and the common denominator is me. I am not participating on a level that I am capable of and that is my own fault.

I am deep in thought these days. Which is refreshing because for months I have been going through the motions with a dense fog all around me. I haven't set any goals for myself because I didn't feel like there was time for any of my desires but that isn't true. There is time if I make it. There is time for me to be better.

Facebook is my enemy. Did you hear me? I said facebook is my enemy. Life is not a popularity contest and watching others live their lives through a filter is not called being productive. Step one!

Just getting that out there....

My concern is that too much too soon will be overwhelming for me. I have to be realistic in that I have major commitments that require a lot of strength, time and effort to accomplish what needs to be done on a daily basis. Two small children at home does not allow much time for anything. A part time daycare is a worthy commitment to people who truly depend on my availability. I don't have a lot of free time where I can concentrate on something that requires my undivided attention outside of mothering and babysitting. My evenings are for my family and I to connect which speaks for itself. Families need to connect to stay together. It's what is missing in our world today. I feel better when we all find time to love.

I also carve out a hour for working out. I need that time - it is the one part of my day where peace washes over me consistently. I feel better about myself because I exercise. I am convinced that I would be in the crazy house if I wasn't giving this to myself to be honest.

The goal is to find fulfillment and stimulation through the tasks at hand and to work on the parts that make me a better mother/caregiver/wife/person. It's important to keep the parts that make me feel great, the working out, the family time, the loving. The things that make me feel bad need to go. There are things I can't change in my life that make me unhappy, for example, laundry, but I can choose to limit the stuff that fails to contribute to my life in a healthy, positive way and make room for more productive thigns.

One thing I am putting time into now is my patience. Another is spending less time in self pity land (which is A LOT! so that should really free up some time). I guess I start there and keep working on finding ways to make my day to day seem more important.

I read something this morning as I googled cyberspace to help me find inspirational things to read. I am looking for importance, real inner-confidence and ways to make myself happy in the life I am leading. Changing anything but my outlook at this point seems a little too daunting (baby steps). Besides, I think our attitude is where it all begins. This statement is something mothers (or maybe just me) know but tend to forget as we try to find self worth in our lives during this season of motherhood.

I'll sum it up like this. Every single accomplishment in life is fleeting except for one thing. Our relationship with our children is forever. FOREVER! What that means is I could sing on a mountain top for all to hear and get praises beyond measure. It won't matter in a week. I could be an accomplished doctor, or lawyer, or teacher. In time there will be another and to some degree our work will not matter. I could be the most beautiful, skinniest, perfect woman on earth and in time it will fade. The time and effort we put into our children and the bonds we form with them will last our lifetime. This is the most important thing I will EVER do. EVER! So if I can't find fulfillment in this, what can I find fulfillment in?

The trick is changing my perception of success. The key will be finding value in what I'm doing NOW because I'll be honest with you, there has never been a time in my life when I truly felt that my work was really mind blowing and great to begin with.

Again, it's changing my mentality not necessarily what I am doing.

The fog is lifting slowly. I want to be everything my children need. I want them to be happy, confident and loving women who contribute to the world in a positive way. I want them to be good wives and mothers and friends. That is only going to happen if their foundation is secure. So I continue this journey and will find my niche. I am not going down without a fight - I will finish what I started and not just get by like my mother did (I'm sorry mom, but it's true). I will be great because they deserve it.

I will be someone who embraces growth, change and enlightenment. Even when it's hard. Even when it seems impossible. Even when it hurts. And let me tell you, it hurts A LOT these days, more than it ever has! But sometimes it is perfect. It's the perfect moments that make it worth it.


***I'm sorry if this seems scattered and all over the place. It is me, it's where I'm at, it's who I am. I am letting the words come out as they are and not worrying about the opinions on the quality of my work because it doesn't matter. The writing isn't the work, the work is me and the writing is secondary. It's a tool for me to release the thoughts in my head and it helps me immensely. Thank you for listening. That is all.

Tomorrow's horoscope from Johathan Cainer

"Your mood will soon change. The sunshine of inner-confidence will emerge from behind a cloud of concern that has been hovering over your world. You may not suddenly solve a problem, but you will at least see a way to work around it - or to live with it, in reasonable comfort, after a while. You will get a reprieve from a deadline or at least some indication that a tricky task is attainable. Just as a small splash of colour can bring life to a whole wall of white, you will find this new development improves the way you feel about almost everything. ..."

HA! I sure as heck hope so. I am insufferable, I hate the state of mind that I am in and really want the little epiphanies I have every day to stick. I want to feel good again. There's so much crap in this world, so much sadness, so much strife that I feel like a tool for my outlook and the sadness I am allowing. I want it all to go away and the happiness that I should feel for the blessings I have in my life, which are MANY, to return.

It might take medication, or maybe a greater effort on my part. Either way, somethings got to give because I can't live this cyclical nightmare that is my hormones these days.

Sometimes I wake up crying at night.

Sometimes I cry for other people I don't know because they're suffering. Sometimes I cry for two days and have no reason at all. I just cry a lot lately and I really wish that I didn't have to find the world worthy of tears. Even when I see the good I cry. The amazing? I cry. I just cry a lot.

I have had a rough couple of days. One reason being a nasty hangover. I am the saddest, most pathetic person when I'm hungover. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I have issues with alcohol I guess. I use it as a band aid but it is anything but, you'd think that I would learn. It usually triggers extreme sensitivity after the thrill is gone and it will last two or three days. I have had alcohol counseling in the past and compared to my twenties I'm a fucking saint. But still, I could put the bottle away and wouldn't suffer.

Let me clarify what I mean by "issues". I would probably categorize myself as an occasional alcoholic. I use it in an unhealthy way for unhealthy reasons and because it's not used properly I consider myself an abuser. I do this once a month, sometimes more sometimes less.

I abuse other stuff too but I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

I am a hot mess. I admit this. I am probably one of those people who just needs lifelong therapy because I can't handle the voices in my head all alone. I had one year of weekly sessions that put me in a really great place. And then we moved here and everything I had been working on was destroyed. I need someone to tell my secrets to. I need someone to help me figure life's garbage and find ways to recycle it to make me useful again.

I don't feel useful at all. I feel lost, helpless, out of sync with everything.

Is this what parenting full time has done to me? I am a mother of two small children who take every single thing I have and stomp on it. I'm not kidding. I have a very difficult three year old and a soon to be two year old. ENOUGH SAID. What sucks is there isn't a support group for people like me around here and there FUCKING NEEDS TO BE! There needs to be more people in the world who are able to allow themselves to be honest and vulnerable. Because I need them dammit!

You want to know a secret? I think my tubal has screwed my body up. I used to be an emotional girl but now I feel out of control. Last week, when I allowed myself some blog time I was having pretty even days. I was accomplishing things and allowing myself to work through issues. This weekend was my "ovulation" or suppressed ovulation rather since the egg has no where to go because I had the tubes tied and I was a train wreck. This never fails to set my mood on a downhill spiral. My hormones act like a raging river and I feel desperate, sad, lonely, incapable, worthless, undeserving, gross, ugly, stupid. I am just all over the place. It's pretty extreme. I cried most of the morning and when we left to run errands as a family I fought back tears several times.

This isn't normal for everyone, is it?

Now that we finally have health insurance I'm going to make an appointment with our new doctor. Maybe there's something safe to take that keeps me on track. I can't focus (as if you couldn't tell that from this stupid fucking post). I want to feel normal again. I wonder if tubal reversals are covered under our new insurance plan? And a vasectomy because I am not having another kid.

Thoughts about Happiness

Happiness isn't really something that magically happens to us. It's 90% attitude and 10% circumstance. Certain things do make us sad but our reaction to it and thoughts concerning it, if negative, can hold us back from achieving contentment.

In my case, my thoughts are suffocating. I revisit past mistakes on a daily basis. Mistakes that I can't even write about they're so bad. Mistakes that shame me beyond shame. I live with them and go about my days acting like they're not there but they are present. Always present and looming over my head like a storm cloud. They make me feel like my whole entire life is a lie. I find them so unforgivable that I beat myself up regularly over them. An important part of my journey is forgiveness. I am not there but I do know that if I don't allow myself to be human I will be forever chained by the memories of the past.

I also have a lot of sadness that revolves around my mother and father. My father because he died before I could hang onto any type of memory of him, my mother because I need one and don't really feel like I have one even though I really have two. My grandmother because she raised me. My mother because she's still here and we love each other and have a relationship, just not a motherly one. I try to make them both proud of me and probably they are but they just don't show it or know how to. I don't have someone to guide me or help me work out issues in my life. I didn't have someone to help me as a girl when growth and enlightenment were really important. I envy people who did to a fault.

Which reminds me, envy, if I'm being completely honest is one of the biggest cruxes I face daily. I don't find value in myself because I'm wishing I was as good, as happy, as wealthy, as beautiful, as successful as someone else instead of just accepting my own beauty, talents and greatness. I acknowledge this weakness and I work on it a lot but not enough because it's still a large problem. It's not productive. It's counterproductive actually and it snuffs my light and makes my heart ugly even though I have so much to offer.

My negativity is excruciating sometimes and turns me into someone I don't like. Negative thoughts, reliving the crap and ignoring the wonderful parts of my life are what robs me of happiness. My ego has taken over my existence and feeding it the way I do keeps me in that state of turmoil that I so desperately want to break free of. I deserve to feel good about myself and about my decisions in life because mistakes don't matter. Other people's mistakes don't matter.

I want to purge negativity from my life. I want to rid myself of the guilt I face for the things I've done. No longer do I want to be ruled by all of my hurt I've experienced and caused. It's important that I break free of this and allow my light to glow brightly. If I don't I will never find anything but regret. And that's just stupid.

Slipping back in time.

That's what I feel like when I read older posts on this silly little blog of mine. I can't even remember the woman who had just one child. I can't recall the woman who packed up her beloved home in Maine and schlepped to Upstate New York with nothing but a wish for her husband's success. I gave up a lot when we moved here.

Two more daughters later and five years of SAHM'ing and here I am. Sometimes I feel like I have been robbed of individuality. Then other times I feel like the person I'm supposed to be. We all have layers and as we go through life each new layer presents itself at different times. My layer right now is motherhood and all that goes with it. That comes with sacrifices and changes that we sometimes have to make. This may be done begrudgingly; it's easier for some than others, but lovingly. Always for love. It's the love that makes it worth it.

I have been given three gifts. Three chances to erase damage and find healing and growth through love.

Sydney - my oldest girl. She'll be 10 in a few weeks and just writing that down makes it more real than ever. I choked on a tear just now thinking of her blossoming into a teen and all the turmoil that goes with it. She's getting boobs now and her skin is changing a little. She's beautiful and smart and kind. I love her and I love the way our relationship is developing into something different, something meaningful. I am constantly trying to nurture, teach, talk and listen It means so much to me that we're close. She is the reason that her dad and I love each other so much. The mere thought of breaking her heart by severing our bond as a family was strong enough to keep us together long enough to realize that we are best friends.

Emily - my middle girl. The center of our family. She wouldn't have it any other way and I think the rest of us feel the same. A dimple on her right cheek, buck teeth from her pacifier and bad genes. She's vibrant, intensely loving, aggravatingly stubborn and beautiful. I will get more wrinkles from her than any of my girls. She's my great challenge in life. If I can teach her to harness her power (which requires me to find my own) she will be an amazing woman. If I can not teach her she will teach her self. In fact, she'd probably prefer it that way as long as there was an audience. A Scorpio from top to bottom. She loves secret places.

Abigail - the last gift under the tree. She will put a smile on your face on the darkest of days. Joyful, bright eyed and adorable. She never fails to amaze me with her intelligence and willingness to try everything her big sister does. She's upfront even at 21 months. She will tell you what she wants when she wants it without fail. Her determination and drive to hang with the pack is so refreshing and appreciated. She completes our family tree and makes me a better mother.

Three daughters to grow. I love growing things! If I am delicate enough, confident enough and honest enough to know when I'm screwing it up, if I share myself with them and encourage them to be themselves our rewards will be so amazing. Cycles are being broken at my house. I refuse to be tight lipped and tough skinned. I cry when I am hurt and I talk about it out loud. I laugh when I am happy and shower each of them with love and affection. I will not hide my weaknesses from them and they will know when I am proud of them. I don't really know exactly how to be a great mother but I know I will try. I will always try to be better.




This video was made New Years Eve. I have made it a tradition for the past couple of years because I don't want to forget. I never want to forget the important things.

Where the hell have I been?

My winter rut is in full swing as of late and although I'm managing the kids, the house and the rest of it there is little time for blogging. Why?

Depression and probably Facebook.

I'm fucking hooked on that son of a mother. I'm not sure why I spend so much time on there, maybe because I'm lonely and lack ambition to do anymore laundry. Maybe it's because I'm bored with myself and the lives of others seems so much more intoxicating than my own simple little housewife life. Whatever the reason, I am making a promise to myself to spend less time there and more time where it counts and part of that is blogging.

Writing about day to day gives me something to reference to. I enjoy looking back and seeing the growth I've allowed in my life. It doesn't need to be particularly significant to anyone else because it matters to me.

Me.


My life, my family, my desires, my goals.



Me.

It has occurred to me that I have been trying to make myself into something or someone I am not. Maybe this is how I've always been. I don't do this to be fake or to trick people. It's a Pisces thing really. Or so I think. Maybe we're late in finding ourselves or just trying to please people so we pick what we think are likable behaviors but really it just ends up being weird because it's not who we are; it comes off unnatural and forced. I want to like what I like and not be afraid that someone else will be upset with me because of it. So adolescent to feel that way at this point in my life, I know. I am just trying to figure it all out.

I don't see myself as a particularly selfish person but I am all consumed with my "self". My image, how people see me, if they like me, if they don't like me. If they don't like me then why? What did I do, what can I change, please like me, please!!!! Oh.MY.freakingWORD it is endless. I drive myself insane comparing and checking lists of who I am and why I'm not more like this one or as pretty as that one. I'm making a commitment to discontinue this way of living and moving forward because it is suffocating me. My ego is out.of.control. It's holding me back from accomplishing anything meaningful in my life and it has taken the wind from my sails.

I believe that I used to have sails full of wind. I used to have ideas and thoughts about my future and who I was and it had little to do with what so and so was doing, wearing, thinking feeling. I was once a girl who took risks and made choices that lead me toward success not the spiraling twister of doom that I've somehow gotten caught up in. I used to value my talents and although I was always critical I didn't pick them apart piece by piece until nothing was left.

I am done with that because I am so unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't deserve to be unhappy. I really don't. I have a wonderful family. I am healthy. I have a home and a vehicle that runs and a steady source of income. I have food on my table. I can afford to eat fruits, vegetables and whole grains and even have space to grow them in the summer months. I don't have any unsecured debt. My husband is equipped and well on his way to a promising professional career. We love each other even after 12 years of marriage and three rug rats who have challenged us in ways unimaginable. Together we have given life to three adorable, healthy, beautiful, talented, independent daughters who will most likely give us plenty of babies to spoil in our old age. So yeah.

I don't get to be unhappy.

I'm bringing blogging back. I will try to write without worrying what someone else with think or feel about me or my grammar. I will try to write because it means something to me. I will write about the grace that has been given to me. I will write about the things that make me happy and focus more on the positive and less on the negative. If I start here and practice maybe it will bleed into the rest of my life starting now. I have to move ahead lest I get stuck here forever. I find it very cleansing, writing down these insecurities and obstacles. I didn't sit down intentionally to write these feelings down, they just came out and that is why I need to blog. As tears fall down my face I honestly see footprints behind me. Finally, a step.