I talked to you today....

but it wasn't the same. Your spirit is gone and you don't remember me well, or anything about my life for that matter. I was afraid for years and years that you would leave me before I was ready. It's true, I'm not ready for you to go, but I'm ready for you to be at peace and out of the constant pain that you spent half your life in. I think that hurts worse to have you on this earth but gone at the same time. What purpose does it serve to have you lying on a couch hurting all the time and wishing it would end. These are the times when I say to myself...."where is this God you all speak of?" And to think someone's life will be taken way too soon on this day that you are hoping to just go home.

I miss you so much. I wish that I still had our weekly talks where you listened to me babble on about this or that. I want to share the little things with you about my every day, the little things my daughters do that make me laugh but I can not. I miss our summer visits. I should have spent more time sitting at your table playing Skip-Bo or Yahtzee. I'm sorry that I didn't.

I've been mad at you for parts of my life, not understanding you in the least because you kept your feelings guarded. Not because you didn't want to share but perhaps felt like it didn't matter what you felt, life wasn't going to change its circumstances just because of feelings. You never complained even though you were hurting most of the days I was with you. The worst memories of your pain was when you had a case of shingles. It was as if your arthritis melted away and another, more intense pain crippled you to your bed. You didn't get out of it for what seemed like forever to a little girl who just wished her mama felt better.

I loved you so much as a girl. You were my security blanket and my hiding place. I never wanted to leave your side, even at night I slept beside you for years and years. It would be nice to go back and peek in a window at the simple life we led at that time. Just you and me and I liked it that way. Just you and me.

I surely love you now as well. I hurt inside, there's such a large chunk of me missing without you in my life. My heart aches like your tired body. I don't know how to make it stop. Maybe time will heal, maybe? I don't think anyone will miss you as much as me.

I love you, Mom.

Random, I know...

But why is it so hard for me to find a place where I can be happy with me. I love and appreciate so many parts to my life. Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough to have all this? Why do I still feel so damn unworthy? Like at any moment it could all come falling down around me and there's nothing I could do to stop it because really...isn't it just too good to be true. For someone like me, I mean. It's painful to speak the truth of what I feel inside. Even if I know that it's not what others perceive to be true about me. A lot of people love me because they see the good but all I ever see is the bad.

It's overwhelming sometimes and it's hard to dig myself out. I'm trying but today seems hard.

PS - side note completely contrary to all the above. i ran my first 5k the other day. i got 3rd place in my age group with a finish time of 25:24. that's probably my best time ever doing any type of non-treadmill running. i was proud of myself for that.

March!

Finally. I'm ready for spring, sprouting bulbs and digging up the wet garden in preparation for planting. I'm going to make a huge strawberry patch this year. It'll be a huge money saver since we can eat a bucket of those delicious things a day. Strawberry jam, strawberry and lemon balm scones....mmmmmmm....they are going to be tasty tasty!

March brings a new month of Zumba and so far it's looking really promising. I'm selling punch cards left and right and my classes are getting fuller each week. Last night we hardly had the room to do the workout without feeling crowded. The ladies are loving it though and really starting to see a difference in their endurance and the weight is starting to DROP! Wahooo!!

I turned 35 last week......ugh...I'm feeling older for sure, and looking it too. But I'm doing my best to take care of myself so that my 40's will be a little easier on me. I'd say that my twenties were a bit rough by looking at my face these days. Oh well, I am who I am and that's all I can be. I'm trying not to sweat it but I can tell you one thing.....I MOISTURIZE LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN!!

It isn't just me...

...who's feeling amazing. Turns out Zumba is giving the moms, wives, sisters, grandmothers and working women of this town something to talk about. They are coming up to me left and right telling me how much they needed this and what a good time they're having.

That trumps any other bonus of this adventure for me. I love how this is giving them a little piece of themselves. If they could, every one of them would Zumba an hour away with me every single night of the week.

That is just amazing!!

I FEEL AMAZING!

Happiness. Is it really just about doing something(s) that you love? Has it been that easy all along and I just held back or couldn't grasp it for whatever reason?

I got my license to instruct Zumba a week ago. This week I taught my first two classes. I was so scared and nervous but it came out of me like I had been doing it for quite some time. I love dancing, it's so intoxicating. Addicting even. I just want to do this all the time and now I have a big class full of women who are loving the same thing and I get to give it to them. If I'm anything in this world, it's a giver of gifts. I get high from gift giving. It feels good to think of someone and love them in the gift you give them. Zumba is like giving a gift times a million. I have all these women just craving something fun to do that helps them fit into their skinny jeans. Then, poof I show up with a dance party and all is right in their world. For that hour I am theirs and they follow me around the dance floor laughing, sweating and LOVING their evening. The smiles on their faces just tickle me pink. I can't wait until my next class on Saturday.

Business as usual...

January is zinging right along for me this year. A big change from the usual winter blues I experience around this time of year. What a difference it makes when you start to fill your life instead of waiting for it to fill itself.

Zumba instructor training is less than a week away and my first official Zumba class will be the following week! I am nervous but I am ready. This month I have scoured the internet for choreography ideas and developed a good set of songs to start with and tons on the back burner waiting for my personal touch. A month ago I was almost terrified to even begin this journey and now I'm moving along; rock steady and totally ready to bring a new form of exercise to the women in my area. I have many ideas on the direction to take my class and I can't wait to get started.

My girls are growing like weeds, too! Emily is attending school 3 days a week now and will begin kindergarten this fall. Abby will be in nursery school 2 or 3 days a week come fall as well. Sydney is a rock star in middle school and has already been named student of the month. It's like I'm dreaming the most fabulous dream. I am able to come out from the trenches and start my own little piece of something but still be here for my kids, which is non-negotiable at this point for me. I want to be here every step of the way throughout their childhood. Our kids need a strong support system and I'm so grateful that we can afford for them to have a mom at home. And 10 years ago I would have told you that you were absolutely crazy if you thought I'd be *that* kind of mother.

The singing hobby is still chugging along. The last year has been a ride for sure. Franki, my singing partner, has been a huge help in helping me discover myself again. She encourages and listens to my ideas and gives them merit. I am grateful to have found such a good friend here after 6 long years. We practice almost weekly and so far we have been invited to sing in one private club for special events and such and hoping to snag another very soon. If we could have one or two weekends a month to perform and have a fun time - that is enough for me. Singing will not bring me lots of dough but it does give me so much more. I can't even believe that all these opportunities have come into my life in the last year. I can't even believe that I feel so happy all the time vs. the miserable, pathetic mess that I was last winter.

I guess I'm off for now....

EXCITEMENT!!!

After much careful thought and consideration, I've decided to take the Zumba Instructor training course. I want to vomit because I'm obviously nervous but I can't sit back and watch from the sidelines any longer or travel 30 minutes to the nearest class. I have had this itch in my head for 6 months because I know there's a demand for it, it's just someone has to offer it.

I live in a town with a small fitness center and as of right now there isn't a single fitness class being held there. The woman that used to instruct has a full time job now and doesn't have time to pursue a license to officially instruct Zumba. She used to do a class similar and called it Danza but it never took off. She didn't have a specific routine, she made it up as she went along. I was lucky to burn 200 calories in the entire 45 minutes. I want more than that from a fitness class and I know there are women here in this town craving something like Zumba to help them reach their fitness goals. Patti's energy during class was great and she definitely has talent and passion, she's just a busy working mom now. I am not.

So as scared as I am to do something new, I'm so tired of thinking about doing something about it. I watch friends of mine launch out on their own with different things and build their own successes. I have watched my own husband, for the past 6 years, work towards his own goals and reach them. I watch and I envy. Envy is such a sad emotion and really not where I want to be. Yesterday, I thought about where that jealousy is coming from and realized that someone's success has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LACK OF. Ding! I guess I knew that already but when you're stuck knee deep in fear you rationalize your inability to move forward in crazy ways. You make excuses for yourself and make it okay to wait just a little longer.

No one is going to push me over the edge, I have to jump. So I'm jumping. And I'm really nervous but I'm also really happy. My class is on February 4th in Rochester, about three hours away from here! ONE MONTH!! My husband is going with and we are taking the kids to a fun hotel and staying two nights to make a mini winter getaway out of it. And with all the writing off I'll be doing this year with my three businesses - I'll be keeping that receipt!

Anyway, WISH ME LUCK!!

Out straight....

Emily starting a private preschool this year has done me in. It's only two days a week but coupled with family room at the elementary school two days a week, it really fills up my mornings. That and the running challenge as of late. I finished November's without a hitch and managed to trim up a bit so I thought I would keep the momentum going and up the ante some. Instead of 90 in 30 I'm just shooting for 100 miles in December. So far I am 54 miles in and counting, also 5 lbs down! Halfway to my last 10. Which I'm sure I'll gain and lose and gain and lose but that's where I'd like to teeter so I'm okay with that.

Anyway, Christmas is kicking my ass this year, too. I haven't an ounce of Christmas spirit. I am happy for my kids' excitement but I couldn't loathe this holiday more for all it has become and all that it just isn't anymore. I don't like "things", I don't need any new "things" unless you're talking about a new set of boobs that I promise I would take care of and love when the newness has worn off. And since I'm wishing for fixing, if you could just tuck in that cesarean scar just a wee bit....

Yeah, yeah...I know....

Speaking of, have you seen that show Bridalplasty? That's some good reality tv right there.

Not.

Sydney is in the band this year playing saxophone. They played a couple of tunes last night at the holiday concert. They could use a bit more practice. Just sayin'. I had to laugh at all the 5th graders up on stage blowing on their horns and talking to their neighbors. Brings me back for sure.

Emily's holiday concert is tomorrow night, which will be interesting since this is a christian school. I'm looking forward to it because that will also bring me back. I saw many a manger scene in my day. I don't take the kids to a church so this will be a little exposure to religion that they never get, except for Emily at the moment.

Abby is still the most adorable and thoughtful two year old I've yet to meet. I was muttering under my breath while I was vacuuming out the couch about crumbs and damn kids like I do every Monday. As I head down the hall with a handful of dirty clothes she followed behind me and said in the sincerest of two year old voices "I'm so sorry, Mom. It was an accident, okay?". Then she tapped her little hand on my leg to comfort me. I wasn't mad anymore after that. I love her light, I really, really do.

Ever been so tired that you can't settle in for a good night's rest? That's me tonight...I'm hoping that this blogging excursion has done the trick. I'm sorry I don't try harder to care about my writing. I just don't feel like it....but you're here reading so you must want to hear what I have to say. All four of you....

Nosy bastards.

If I don't see you on here before the holiday, Merry F#$KING Christmas and Happy New Year. Arrivederci.

Something worth mentioning!

What a great day I have had today, so much so that I just want to write about it. Make it a memory to look back onto maybe or just saying it out loud makes me appreciate each detail more.

It started out like any other day, alarm clock buzzing my head off. Or actually my body naturally wakes up a few minutes before the alarm but I laze in an out for about 30 minutes. Imagine that? I don't have a lot of those moments so I really enjoy that time to myself.

After that, I wake Sydney up, she hops out of bed every day a little groggy but always in a pleasant mood and happy to tackle the day. Um, thank you? I know she'll be a teenager soon but so far she's a great kid who tests her parents boundaries only so far and is not inclined to really take them to any real limit before she retreats. THANK YOU!!!

Then, I ate my favorite breakfast, english muffin, pb and banana. Soooo yummy and filling. Still no internet to keep me occupied while I eat so I had to enjoy my meal in the living room by the wood stove. Bummer....

Daycare kids arrived, coffee was poured and the morning swing had begun. Still no internet. Guess I'm not logging onto Spark, oh well...moving on. Emily had school this morning so we got ready for that and just hung out until the bus picked the big kids up at 7:45. Then, the girls and I loaded in the van to head to school.

While getting ready I had the bright idea to see if Abby wanted to stay and play at my friend's house this morning while Emily was in school. She said yes! I picked up my friend's daughter for school and dropped Abby off with her little crew. We trade with each other weekly. Sure makes day appointments and treats like a lunch date with Jamie happen a lot easier, it works well for both of us. So...a few gorgeous and well deserved hours all to myself!

I get home, still no internet. Okay, no time wasted there...I'm loving that!

No treadmill running today was my first treat, complete with a new running route to make it interesting. I didn't even bring my shuffle, just me, the cars(they motivate me), and the fresh air. It was great - just a bit over three miles and it felt fantastic! I think I like pre-winter running best, it's chilly, which motivates me to go faster. That cool air glides into my body and I could go on forever and ever and just feel great the whole time. I pushed hard today, it was awesome.

What, no internet?

Then a shower. Uninterrupted, with no one waiting for me, just a hot shower for as long as I wanted. I scrubbed some Wen into my crazy curls and enjoyed the heat after the chilly run. Another perfect 20 mintes, I lingered and just relaxed. It was soo nice.

No internet :)

I had a good hour after left to moisturize and groom a little bit. My fingernails were looking pretty glum and my eyebrows a little furry...I'm loving this extra time today! Pure heaven....well, not the plucking part but now it's done!

The kids are home now from half day of school and they're all playing nicely, some Wii, some dolls, some watching tv lazily in their room. I can't really ask for a better Thursday, tonight I have a sculpt/core/cardio class for an hour with some other strong women and then Grey's Anatomy.

Internet is working beautifully :)

A wonderful threshold to Friday - I'm looking forward to this weekend. Quiet family time with Jamie and the girls. Maybe a babysitter to catch the new Harry Potter flick with Sydney and Jamie. Running - last few days in my challenge. Today marked 78 miles, so that makes four days? I am losing track. Wow!

I leave on Wednesday to see my Mom for three days and I am going sans family. Just me, myself and I and no one to mom, mom, mommy me to death. I can hardly wait to come home to my babies but seeing my mom is going to be special. I want to write something amazing for her, I have ideas, just haven't had the inspiration to sit down just yet. I'm hoping my visit gets the wheels churning.

So a great day, right? And it's only half over. Sheeeyah!

Phew!

I'm on day 24 of 30. Another three mile run lies ahead of me this morning and I'm not loving that. My knee is a little bit sore but I'm doing okay. Last night I hit a Zumba class for something different and Thursday there's a core/sculpting class I attend. Oh, and I joined SparkPeople! A website designed to help you reach your goals, I'm using it for the food tracker mostly and it's been soooo dang helpful. I'm starting to see the last few pounds slowly melt away - this is where I've gotten several times only to get burned out with the intensity of it. I'm focused right now though and may continue this running challenge or do weekly challenges of runs and videos to keep my body guessing. I just have to workout every day for 30 minutes and push myself in that time.

It may sound absurd that I would want to shave off a few more pounds but for me it's really important. I'm not sure exactly why, only that I feel better when my body looks good and I've worked so dang hard for two years it'd be a shame to not push that last bit to get myself in the best shape I've ever been in. The awesomeness that is Spark is that I can eat what I want but there are limitations set. When you don't write down what you're eating it's very easy to get off balance and stuff way more into that hole than you need to. Or at least for me it is. If I have to write it down I'm probably not going to eat it if it's not a nutritious choice. I'll admit I've cheated some but life is for living too. I've got a pretty clear head about what I can enjoy and what I have to set aside and have less often. And also about balance and being happy. I feel happy because I'm in control of my choices and my fitness levels. Happy, not obsessive. There's definitely a difference.

So....72 miles in - the home stretch is here and yet today feels so hard for some reason. I'll be on the treadmill soon and the running will be great, especially afterward. Lately, the running is easier than actually getting started. Funny....
Oh and what's really exciting is that I've shaved 3 MINUTES off my 3 mile run. I was always right around 29-30 minutes because I let myself work only soooo hard. Yesterday, I ran that bastard in 25:28 and it felt amazing and also a little bit painful. :)

On turning four and other things...

Emily! What a great birthday this year has been for her. So many mini celebrations with school and friends, today was her party for one last hoorah! Good bye toddlerhood, hello whatever it is that four year olds are. Because I'll be honest, she's still throwing a considerable amount of tantrums for turning four but I guess we're taking baby steps.

She's not all naughty. I have a sweet, caring and genuine young lady close to my heart and I know that she's going to turn out okay as long as I can keep figuring her out. These days I'm getting better. Today was great for example. She shared her presents with her friends, she gave me a really big hug and told me how happy she was and gave me a heart felt Thank You which in my opinion is pretty tight coming from a new four year old. Those are my moments validating that I'm doing an okay job.

In other news! I've been religiously taking care of my fitness for almost two years but have only really been pushing limits lately. Running is a painful for me to do and all I was doing was jogging and logging. I didn't let myself hurt for very long before I'd ease up the pace where I was comfortable. These days I'm running faster than ever (for me) and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I set a challenge for myself this month to run 3 miles a day for 30 days. At first I toyed with it because it scared me. I tend to fall into things and test the water a few days before I commit to anything. This afternoon I finished my 14th day with 42 miles logged for two weeks of running. I'm still a long way off from the end but I'm taking one day's challenge at a time and not asking anything else of myself. One run at a time will eventually equal the 90 miles after 30 of them.

November already, this year is almost over, a drop in the bucket now. I can't seem to remember any other time in my life where the minutes seem to be racing right along and begging me to keep up. Life is too damn short.

Less than three weeks and I go see mom. Keep this in your happy place in thought land for me if you can. Send me some peace and strength. I'm going to really need it. I have missed her so much but I'm scared. I know it's only a matter of time these days. I know she wants to die now. Once the will is gone, what's left? I know she's lived so many years in pain and suffered a great deal in her life. She say's she just wants to go home and see her Mom and Dad. And she deserves to just rest and never have to take another pill or hurt another minute.

I took a pregnancy test today because I'm over a week late. I've had a tubal but I figure my chances of having that fail - well lets just say I look over my shoulder a lot. It was negative and I am relieved. Neither of us can do that again without a struggle. Three is enough.

So that's it for things tonight. A little scatterbrained but what the hell. Sue me.

I'm mad at you!

For going to work everyday and creating a career without ever really thinking what I'm doing at home to help you get there.

For eating the left overs for lunch and not saying "Thank you".

Because you workout on your own time in a gym with people around you and no one crying for you to wipe their ass or help them with their baby's hat while you suffer through a 3 mile run in the basement.

For not connecting with me when I ask you to and getting mad at me when I tell you gently how neglected I am feeling.

For ignoring my hard work. I don't just work out for me, or for my health. I work out so that you have a woman who likes to take care of herself to hold onto at night, instead you're watching Ultimate Fighter again.

For telling me to eat the cake if I want to eat the cake or that I don't need to work out on Saturday when I've already taken a day off mid week. I need you to hold me accountable sometimes because your support is important to me.

For coming home at 6:30 pm every night to dinner on the table, only to be frustrated and mad with the kids by 7:30 and yelling at everyone.

For being negative about my fitness goals this month. I need you to tell me I can do it, not remind me of the work I have ahead of me.

Would it be so hard to say you're sorry for saying something that hurt my feelings, even when you don't understand why.

Is it too much to ask for you to genuinely give me a bit of gratitude for the amount of work I do to keep this family running? Maybe you could let me know that you realize that I have other goals in life other than just serving you in yours.

Maybe you could tell me that I have done a good job with the house today or that I'm a good mother to our children.

NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME THIS EXCEPT FOR YOU. Everything I do is in your name. All the work, the girls, the house, the bills, the dinners, the hot body? I do all that for YOU!!!

A little appreciation would go a long way.

It's official.

I booked tickets to visit Mom over Thanksgiving. I'm excited for this, it's long overdue. I've never let this much time pass by without visiting her. I love her so much and am so grateful to her for raising me up the way she did. I admire her for who and why she is who she is. I just can't put into words the significance of her presence in my life except for one way.

Mother.

She's my Mother. I love her for everything.

Where do the minutes go?

The next two months are going to fly by for me. Emily's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. After that, 35 year mile marker & 13th wedding anniversary. Half of my thirties are over and can I just say, where the frig did they go? Because I've been feeling like a zombie and in baby mode for a lot of that time.

Emily's 4th birthday. I am so happy to see this milestone arrive and yet each day I look at her and realize how quickly she's grown from a baby to this not a toddler, not yet a kid stage and I get a little pang of sadness. It lasts about a minute and then I start doing the happy dance that EMILY'S GOING TO BE FOUR!!! Fourteen more to go. LOL - Just kidding. She keeps us all on the edge of our seats and we're loving every minute of it. Yeah, every adorable minute.

Just look at her....



Thanksgiving will be particularly busy this year because I'm planning a trip to see my mother in Tennessee. I'm so nervous about this for many reasons. One being away from the kids and leaving Jamie to fend for himself. The second being the worst and that is the potential of this visit with mom being my last real memory of us together. She might even have moments that she doesn't know who I am since dementia is starting to steal her memories through parts of the day. I'm not sure what it'll be like but it certainly isn't going to be easy. I try not to go there in my mind too much because it's like losing her even though she's still here. I can't just stand on the bridge waiting until it's time to cross. It's too painful.

December will be a little bit more lighthearted. I have two small children who are going to freak OUT over Santa and his endless generosity. Okay, so it won't be endless - my check book isn't that big, but we'll have fun. I'll bake, play carols on Pandora and light candles. I look forward to decorating and watching the anticipation build. It's my favorite time of year, children most certainly keep you young if nothing else.

10

I think it's important to throw up a middle finger to the crappy things in life and remember the awesomeness. Here are ten fabulous things in my life that I can not deny are awesome, flaws and all.

In no particular order....

Mail - there isn't a day that goes by that I don't enjoy or love checking the mail and even more now that I have Netflix.

Facebook - I have contemplated deleting my account because it sometimes freaks me out how available and vulnerable I am on there. But there's nothing like feeling connected to people. It means so much to me that I can reach out in one space to family, old friends and people who live far from me. Which is basically everyone I know except my family.

My daughters (I said, NO PARTICULAR ORDER!) Doesn't this just go without saying? I love my kids so much it makes my bones ache. I can't imagine a day without them and when they grow up and wander from my nest life will be a lot less colorful. They make everyday a rainbow. And also a tornado, but remember, this is about the positive in my life :)

Memories - mine are precious and dear to me. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, amazing memories. I just don't care what they are, I need to remember them because they left marks on me and I am woven uniquely and awesomely because of them.

Flannel sheets - it is nearly November in upstate New York. Need I elaborate any further?

Sisters - I grew up in a separate house and still. There are ebbs and flows at times with both of them. Sometimes we grow a little further apart than we'd like but sometimes we're as close as peas in a pod. I love them more now than I have ever in my lifetime and I'm a better person because they love me unconditionally.

Coffee talk - for the coffee and the talk. Girlfriends are a good part of life.

True Blood - this show gives Jamie and I something to watch together. It's raunchy and gross sometimes but intense and fun. We both really like it and it's nice to have something that is just for us that the kids are definitely not allowed to watch.

Pumpkin Bread - I'm kind of addicted to making this bread, so moist and delicious. I love, love, love a little toooo much.

Jamie - can't make a list of good stuff and not include my best friend. It's not always about romance and flowers but it's always about love and commitment. I get mad at him sometimes but he is who I want to spend my forever with.

For what it's worth...

I went to see a psychic medium tonight. Her name is Cindy Newcomb and I have to say that the experience was worth the overpriced admission ticket. The party was held at a friends house and only 12 people were allowed to attend the intimate party.

I went there for entertainment value first and didn't expect anything major to happen; I've been to these types of gatherings before and never really got what I was hoping for but tonight was different. My father, who passed when I was three years old, spoke through her this time. Interestingly enough, and probably the reason why I am writing this at all, he said that he read the things that I wrote about him. At first I didn't really think about this little blog I have wasting away in cyberland and then I remembered!! I have written here and there about him and the impact his death has had on my life right here on this blog! Now she has my attention. She then asked if cardinals meant anything to me and I about fell out of my chair. I see them all the time. I mean all the time, several times a day even. He told her that he sends them to me. She also asked if I sing and that he thought that I should sing more.

It wasn't as intimate as I had hoped and then it hit me. Why would it have been intimate? We don't know each other at all. There was absolutely no relationship there to reminisce, I don't even have a single photograph of him and I together. It was exactly the experience I would have had if he were still alive and we had just met. That made me feel better, he was polite and waited his turn and didn't overwhelm me with stuff that would have made me sad. He said that he watched over my babies and spoke of Emily and how she was a little hard to handle (Cindy used the word tsunami) but that he really liked her and that we need to leave her alone because she is just fine. He thinks she's a cute as a button. Funny they share the same sign. Maybe she's got a little of her grandpa in her, who knows.

All I know is, although my wallet has a little less money in it, I am pretty sure that the moments I shared with my daddy tonight will stick with me for years to come and every time I see a red bird stealing crackers from my girls' picnic table I will smile a little wider knowing that an angel that I never got to meet is watching over me and my girls.

Rainy Day Woman

Our weather has been so perfect lately that I've almost craved a long rainy day. One of those days where it never starts to let up for anything. Rain, rain go away kind of day. Today is my new friend's birthday. I had her and her younger kids over for lunch and ice cream cake. It was a fun but crazy time because all of the kids were in crank mode. One right after the other, each took their allotted time to bawl and cause a fuss. Abby was first which surprised me because she's always so happy go lucky.

I am humbled in light of my new friend. A single mother to four young children. An abusive asshole for an ex who loves nothing more than to ruin her day. Bad situation all around and there's no where to breathe. I'm just speechless when confronted with the notion that could be me and not her. Nothing saved me but luck. And nothing will...gives me chills the pressure she's under. I do whatever I can do to help. It's teaching me and that is a good thing. Another one of those lasting friendships in the making. Or so I hope. Girl needs a good break and I can't say I haven't had mine. Pay it forward is the most rewarding thing to do. We're helping each other anyway. I've been wanting a friend who had lots of time like me that I could hang and share life with while my husband works and she seems like the perfect choice.


So that is good right? I'm busier, and have less time to myself but that was kinda the point I imagine. Anyway, things are great.

And now for some really freaking rad pictures of my garden. Yes, I planted this mostly by myself and I am A W E SOME! I can't help it.

I couldn't have planned it better if I tried.

Memorial Day weekend was absolutely perfect. We have had more time relaxing and enjoying the nice weather than we've had as a family in a long time. I feel so relaxed,rejuvenated, exhausted, all of it but incredibly satisfied with my family and the manner we spent our holiday.

It started Friday night with an evening out singing with Frankie. We practice every Friday evening after the man gets home from work. It's an awesome night to practice because I'm usually ready and fit to be tied by the time Friday night rolls around, it's a great way to blow off steam and get ready to face the weekend craziness. I was back in by 11:00 pm. Unheard of because I love to stop off at my dive just down the way for a few beers and some tunes. There wasn't much going on there so I left early and found the man still awake and ready to hang out for a while. I was pretty happy to see his excitement and I treated him to a fried snack and some light conversation right before we ended up having some much needed connecting time alone. It was an awesome ending to a great evening.

Saturday was great, no chores day we decided, lunch out and evening dinner was light and easy. We relaxed in the sun and had another perfect night followed by more connecting time for Jim and I if you get what I mean there. This day wasn't going down in history as the best but the weather was perfect and the mood was very calm and relaxing thanks to many hours of reggae on Pandora. So yeah, another awesome day.

Sunday started out the same. We had a great morning with the kids. Early afternoon the babies napped. At the same time. I felt like I was winning the freaking laundry for crying out loud. I made a pie for dinner at a friends and a small veggie plate to share. We spent the late afternoon and evening visiting and enjoying their adorable kiddie size swimming pool. All the kids went hog wild and we all enjoyed a couple of cold ones and good conversation. The food was great, the company was better and at the end the pie was fabulous, vanilla cream, baby! Sydney brought her friend home to spend the night and we finished it off playing wii for a while and just enjoyed a late night with the kids.

Monday met us with the same tone and we just couldn't get over it all. Lots of chores were finished up, things we've put off for weeks. It was really nice. I made a delish pizza for lunch from scratch. Can I just say that I think I've found my crust for life? And that I kicked the pizza makers of the world's ass with my creation today? Just sayin'. The girls took another nap at the same time and I was beginning to wonder what deal was made with the devil and when it was to be cashed in because that was the only explanation that made any sense. Seriously? Naps two days in a row for the both of them at the same time? NEVER HAPPENS!

Our garden is growing magnificently and we had the most perfect weather for 4 days straight. Tonight it's drizzling outside and cooling off the ground. It was just the perfect weekend. I couldn't have asked for better anything. I will come back to this memory and post again sometime soon to remind myself that life has it's rewards and blessings :D

Absence makes the heart grow.

Crazy how a little vitamin D has hoisted me back up among the sane. Turns out I was a little low even two weeks ago so I bet you a million the winter did a number on me. All that aside, there is still inner growth and awareness that I'd like to continue to nurture. The journey still proceeds, some days at a slower pace than others. I am still trying to be more mindful of the conversations I'm having and learning to listen to what people have to say. There are times when the excitement gets the better of me and I can't keep my big mouth shut but otherwise I'm doing pretty well. There are lots of times where I think of it during a conversation instead of after and that is called progress!

I have gotten closer to a new friend I'm sure that I spoke of here before. I was hesitant to push myself on this person because I felt like it might not have been the right fit but lately things are going well. We're more alike than I had originally thought, though she does indulge in the darker side of things which isn't great for me but I'm staying grounded. In return, I bring out the healthier side of her by coaxing her to workout with me. Win, win!

I have most of my garden in. We are slow to get it planted this year but our peas are amazing already and we have beets, carrots and lettuce sprouting. Today I dug and tilled by hand two more big rows and threw in some broccoli and spinach. I am really hoping to be productive in harvesting and cleaning up the food we grow so we can make the most of it. I would love to freeze and can a ton of things since food is getting more and more expensive every day. My grocery bill is KILLING me right now!

Singing is going well, although the contest I was in brought me nothing. Well I can't say nothing, since that is how Frankie found me. I got what I needed from that this year and Frankie and I are practicing once a week now. We have one set tight but need to get working on more songs so we can fill up our gigs with no pressure. I can't complain since we've only put about 5 hours into the 15 songs we have now. Nothing crazy exciting coming out of this but I will get to sing and perform. I can't think of anything else I'd rather do on my spare time than sing. She and I are really compatible together singing as well as socially so it looks very promising. Now if we can just get a booking and we'll be golden. Soon, I hope!

I have a little update on my brother for those of you who read this and know his situation. He's doing well for himself considering he's in jail and I have to say that he's taking a lot of opportunities and making the most of them. He's very close to his GED and will be taking some official carpentry classes, which he's basically done as a trade since he was 14. He has been taking care of himself and working out like crazy. Normal for inmates I guess but I'm just happy that he's making the most of his time in. The counseling he'll get there will take care of his requirement to get his license back and when he gets out he'll be way further ahead than when he went in so you could say prison catapulted him towards a few goals he's been shoving under a rug and ignoring. I'm proud of him. I hope that when he is out this fall that he can take his new found freedom away from Tracy and get himself into a job that will give him something to work towards. I would love for him to find a nice girl and a life of his own maybe even a family.


In other news, Abby turned 2, Sydney has nearly completed elementary school, Emily has uncontrollable emotions that send her into demonic states of rage. Oh, wait, that isn't news! Never mind that. The rest is true though. We are reaching lots of milestones here. I am proud of my family, the girls are a huge blessing and I will make it through puberty with each and every one of them. That is called wishful thinking. Whatever works!

Dos vedanya! Until I get another twenty minutes to sit and purge as much as possible so you will keep coming back to read about my ridiculous life. :) Just another day.... (I have tried to write something a gazillionjillion times, but I have a case of the toddlers!)

Speaking of....Abby wants a peanut butter sammich!

Something in a Sunday

Sunday is an either way day for me. I either feel amazingly close to all my family and friends or the loneliest of lonely. More often than not it's the latter. I think Johnny Cash sang it best... (Kris Kristoffereson wrote the song - man, he wrote some good country tunes, no?)

"On the Sunday morning sidewalk,
Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cos there's something in a Sunday,
Makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothin' short of dyin',
Half as lonesome as the sound,
On the sleepin' city sidewalks:
Sunday mornin' comin' down."

I've had this talk a million times with my sister. About how hard Sundays are for the both of us at times. I was reminded when I saw a FB update of one of my friends. Sunday's seem to be the hardest for her right now too.

When I think long and hard on these sad Sundays, I feel rather grateful in a guilt filled sort of way. What makes me so worthy of a healthy family, a great husband and all the love I could possibly hope for? It's hard accepting that gift sometimes. I'm the kind of person who wants it all for everyone. It's incredibly difficult for me to watch someone go through life with less than what I have and not try and fix it. It's frustrating to me that the rest of the world doesn't feel the same. We should all have equal everything. Why does one person deserve to have riches beyond measure and another struggle just to have a strange bed to sleep in at night?

Now I'm sad again. Something in a Sunday I guess. I wish I could do more for people who need and deserve it. I wish Life were a little more about fair and a little less about luck.