Can't win them all.

Last night's contest was phenomenal. There was a full house with forty singers in all and over three hundred fans cheering them on.

I didn't place last night like I did last year but I did well. The competition was fierce. The winner was an outstanding vocalist and he was not far ahead of the remaining four contestants who took prizes home, two of which placed 1st and 2nd last year. I certainly didn't envy the full plate the judges had deciding which were the best.

All in all it was a great contest. I am really lucky to have participated and plan on entering again next year. Who knows....maybe it will be my lucky year. Either way I know I'll have a great time and see some excellent talent showcased. Who knew karaoke could be so entertaining.

Tonight?

I will be a rock star. Whether I win or lose, I'm still going to kick some major buttarooni and not even feel sorry about it. But if I do win there is $500 in it for me. How cool is that?

Who would of thought my tiny little place of residence would have such a grandiose karaoke following. Seriously.....they have an msn group they love it so much. They post pictures from different contests and keep a karaoke kalendar (yes, they spell calendar with a k) with a list of venues around the area. Yes, there are karaoke venues it's so popular around here. There are some serious karaoke fans around these parts and they ain't playin' round either.

Tonight, song choice is everything. I can kick butt all night long but if my song choice is less than desirable I've gone and lost the whole gig. I'm starting off with a number by Martina McBride, When God Fearing Women Get the Blues...only I have changed it to SAHM's getting the blues. Not really, but I think that would be funny. After I was done I could squirt the crowd with breast milk. No? You don't think? Hmmmm....well there goes that plan.

I practiced last night. It sounded great in spite of the nasty cold I've been pampering all week long. Today my chest congestion is loosening up and my voice is feeling less strained. Yay for me!

So wish me luck, break a leg, whatever you're feeling. I am working on owning that shit because anyone that knows me will attest to my outlandish personality, until you stick me in a room full of people watching only me. I tend to freeze up unless I'm drunk, but that wouldn't work because I actually have to sing without falling off the stage (which has happened to some people who can't monitor their intake before they sing the second song. No, it wasn't me.). Anyway. For lack of a better phrase.....tonight...I'm gettin' er' done.....county style bitches.

Note to self.

Never, under any circumstances, do you up and quit your morning coffee to "boost your immune system". Duh.

Feeling healthier....no? What? You have a throbbing head ache? Wonder why moron.

In attempts to thwart off a lingering cold I gave up caffeine. For one day. And today, whilst my head splits in two, I am returning a broken woman. Powerless to the drug that captivates my soul.

Even the baby was having withdrawals.

May the Lord have mercy on my evil, black heart.

UGH!

Today was just one of those days. You know, the kind of day that makes you want to go back to bed all day long. I am draggin' ass BIG TIME. Could be the spring cold that has cycled back to me for the second time. Could be that I am feelin' a bit of post partum frump. Could be that I'm living in a place that is a.) waaaaay to far away from the people I hold close to my heart, and b.) this place is waaaay to far away from where I want to be living. Either one is reason enough to count the days until we leave this place.

Sure, this is just a cobble stone in our meandering path of life, but honestly, could this stone be any bigger? Sheesh. Enough already. I truly hope the husband appreciates the fact that I gave up my job and cozy life within safe driving distances from family and life long friends to support his career and his goals in life. I am all for supporting his aspirations but the sacrifice, to me, has been daunting at times. And even though I share the same dream, I can't help but be a little resentful while he's working towards a great accomplishment and I am at home changing shitty diapers and getting puked on. Someone please tell me, just where's the glory in that?

I know in the end, I am the lucky one. A career will last, and last, and last, and last until you're ready for it to be over, and then some. But your children? Well, they have a funny way of growing up and leaving you to fend for yourself. Every minute that passes is one less minute we have them in the safe clutches of our home. When you count the days you spend raising your children it's a very small amount of time compared to your life as a whole. I know how fast my childhood passed me by, I can only imagine that of your children, when time has a funny way of rushing along just a wee bit faster than the days of my youth.

I took a left turn somewhere in this post and am not quite sure how I got here, but either way, the babbling and run on sentences help me shrug it off another day. Thanks blogspot, for giving me my place to vent, my piece of the web space pie to call all my own. That way, when I'm having one of those days, I can come on here and get lost in it all and somehow find my way to the other side.

Ugly.

Unimaginable. Putrid. Horrific. Frightening.

Sad.

When does rage become so unbearably strong, hatred so dark, loneliness so deep and hallow that you could calculatingly take the lives of other innocent people?

I will never understand one's ability to take human life. I will never be able to grasp the desperation one must feel in order to justify that kind of action.

I can not put into words the needless pain fellow students/faculty must feel since Monday's
Massacre. I just cannot wrap my head around the aching sadness the victim's families are experiencing during this time. I am left speechless, incapable of justly describing the heartache invoked by this inconceivable tragedy. But I couldn't just say nothing.

My heart bleeds for everyone affected by this heinous crime, including the disturbed young man who committed these horrific acts. The disbelief his parents must feel, the guilt they must shoulder knowing it was their son who stole precious life from so many undeserving people.

I pray for you all. I pray that peace comes into your life, that you are able to rise above the ugliness that was Monday, April 16, 2007. That with time, your heart will allow healing. That your memories live on forever. That love and compassion prevail. May God be with each and every one of you during this dark and trying hour.

Spring?

A myth no longer....


reassurance came, informing me nature was taking it's first breathe of the season...


...afternoon walks were possible. Smiles were taking form on my otherwise glum face and the children were once again able to play outside without mittens and snow pants.
















Then one gloomy morning...


are you kidding me?


nope, not kidding.


Wwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! Please make it go away....


Monday morning, the supposed return of school after April vacation...


kids are home, the power is out. There's talk it will return at 4 pm. Thanks, hon, for calling the electric company and giving me such positive news, 4 pm you say? How great. Thanks, I needed to hear that as much as I needed to get a pimple on my ass. Thanks for thinking of me. Have fun at work. Enjoy your hot coffee and warm muffins. Oh, don't worry, we're all fine here. Our snow suits haven't been packed away yet and the baby likes frozen turkey noodle. Loves it even.

Mid morning crazies have set in. Arrests have been made...


the baby has joined a new gang...


she's quite ambitious, by noon she was head honcho...


But we're all handling it well and dreaming of better days...

And I'm pretty sure The Cat in the Hat made bail.

Nothing inspiring going on here...

Just one sick baby and one sick mama trying to low crawl her way through the endless nights and arduous days without losing her sleep deprived mind. I want to cry but I don't have it in me. I'm not kidding. There just aren't any tears to shed because my body is otherwise occupied making other bodily fluids that keep the wee one alive. I'm tapped out.

I'm not going to sleep this year, am I? Just tell me the truth already. I did this once before and don't remember it being this difficult. Why do we suffer memory loss from that first year? Oh, right, to continue the species. I would not be doing this otherwise had I remembered. Or maybe I would have but I would have slept more that year before my pregnancy. And felt less guilty about getting drunk.

I feel so bad for the babe. She's miserable. I can only imagine what it's like for little people. She only has to see me from across the room to feel separation anxiety. Being held by daddy is doing nothing for her. She spots me and it's over. I thought she was going to hyperventilate at 4:30 this morning when I briefly passed her over to him before I literally melted. She just can't handle the two feet between us.

I wish I had more motherliness in me when my baby is sick. On one hand I'm 100% there and on the other...well, not so much. I'm just tired. Did I mention how tired I am? How I haven't slept a straight 5 hour stretch in a very long time? My child is nearing the 6th month mark. Shouldn't I be getting more sleep now?

Okay, I won't bore you any longer with the public pity party I'm having for myself. Babies are cute and mine is one of the cutest in the world......so I'll shut up now.

We should write a book.

On parenting. That is what S's teacher said at her conference with my husband this morning. I'm so proud of her. Knowing your child is smart, helpful, organized, attentive and a role model for other students to emulate is like winning the lottery. I can't even begin to put into words how happy I am with her.

I know we got lucky in many ways. My daughter is who she is just because, but as her parents we do get to take a little credit. I love who she is blossoming into. Her ability to empathize and show kindness to others, but most of all her genuine humility and giant heart bring me to my knees with respect and admiration.

I've said more than once that I see myself in this child. Sure, there's no mistaking she belongs to me, anyone can take one sideways glance at her and pick me out of a large crowd as her mother. It's her likeness inside that has surprised me. How closely she resembles a younger version of myself that renders me speechless daily. And I don't mean that I am/was all those things I just described, I just mean that our personalities are nearly one in the same. I'm wierd, she's wierd, I'm shy, she's shy sort of thing.

I smile inside and am grateful that with her I can make a difference. She is nurtured and deeply loved. Her father hangs on her every word and her mother is always available. She is encouraged and stimulated as an individual. We have gently prodded the insecurity in her and turned it into quiet confidence. She believes in herself and her abilities but isn't too flashy about it.

For instance.

She hugged a boy in school one day, a boy that has behavioral issues. Why? Because he got a gold star two days in a row and she was so proud of him. She told me because she almost kissed him on the cheek by accident and wanted to make sure I knew that she didn't kiss him, only hugged.

She encouraged and praised another kid for a reward that she didn't need or want to receive. For a seven year old kid in this day and age, I think that is amazing.

I won't lie, she has her days. She's not always a shining example. Trust me. But I love, love, love who she is when I'm not looking.

Am I a good mother? Sure, I think so. But she's a good kid, this I know for sure.

Yesterday

I almost set my house on fire.

I was cuddling with my baby, nursing her to her hearts content because I felt guilty for letting her cry while I showered, when all of the sudden the fire alarm is signaling in the kitchen area.

My heart started to race, I was wearing only a towel and I had my baby in my arms. I had to run in there and see if there really was a fire. I wasn't cooking anything (LOL, long story) so I knew something was up. Smoke filled the dining room and living room. Oh God, what am I going to find around the next corner in the kitchen? Smoke was rolling out of a pan on the stove but no fire. Phew, thank goodness I hadn't set anything on fire. But damn, I boiled 4 pacifiers to the point of no return. They were now one big blob of melted plastic in the bottom of my favorite tiny pot. Okay, my only tiny pot.

The baby is coughing, I can barely breathe; what a disaster. Okay, find a safe place for her to be while you air out this house. Luckily her room was clean and fresh air was plenty. I opened her window to be safe and put her in her crib while I ran around the house opening doors and turning on fans with a towel over my face because the smoke was really unbearable. The kitchen still stinks like burned plastic.

Like an hour later I was all, oh yeah, we have a fire extinguisher. Embarrassingly, that was the last thought in my head as I was heading for the kitchen to investigate. My sweet loving husband so kindly reminded me...."yeah, you're not exactly the pillar of strength when it comes to emergencies."

Eat Shit.

I did the best I could and hopefully I'll never have scare like that again. Oddly enough, the last week or so, I've been thinking about fires and the possibility of us having one more often than normal.

That was freaky and I'm thankful that it was only a pan full of binks and that our home is still in tact.

On the lighter side of things, my eldest daughter is officially a redneck woman, much like Gretchen Wilson only instead of keeping her Christmas lights on, on her front porch...my little redneck woman keeps her Christmas socks on and don't even ask her to take them off.