One door has squeeked open...

I have a business plan and a meeting with the owner of the proposed studio site.  I have a new training in December.  Training in Body Flow - a Tai Cheng, Yoga, Pilates combination that will hit three birds with one stone.  This class will be a huge stride towards a well rounded class schedule for the community. 

Also, I have an educated and amazing new friend who will head up a program for the retired community, focusing on health plans and exercise for those over 50.  She had Cornell's program for several years and gained 200 new members in two years.  I think she's going to be fantastic. 

My partner and I will both get Group X certifications and Body Flow.  We currently are licensed and insured to teach Zumba, Zumba Toning, ZumbAtomic, Dance for children, and Les Mills Body Pump.  I think we are going to knock the socks off our little town with our new business idea.  Just gonna stay positive and keep moving through whatever doors decide to open.  It's always been as easy as that for me.  Doors open that are meant to be, the ones that stay shut are supposed to anyway.  I trust this process explicitly.

The huge draw back to having dreams....

My mind simply never seems to shut off.  Lately, I have been going through a lot of emotional growth and changes.  Two steps forward, one step back, but progressing none the less.  It's a process; we can't just skip through to the finish line without a little hard work and thought. 

And boy do I ever make good on the thoughts.  Which is freaking hilarious considering the title of this blog.  I subconsciously knew myself better than I even thought.  Millions of times I have thought about giving this blog the big shut down but haven't fully committed to closing because OMG, where would the thoughts go?  I shutter to even think.  Can you even imagine how much brain swelling I would have?

So along with a new Beach Body business, I am in the early stages of a huge business decision.  It is all extremely rough draft at this point and I need to do some serious thinking (no problem with that here apparently) about every possible aspect of the venture.  I have a possibility of expanding my business and branching out and opening my own studio.  That means I have to think bigger than ever, to dream bigger than ever, to work HARDER than ever.  I'm terrified, excited also, but mostly scared shitless.  I have never in my life saw my own potential or felt like I had any desire to give anything 110% of my time and effort.  And the few times I saw anything permanent I was never taken seriously.  Never.  I never got to be in charge when the teacher left the room in first grade, I never got to be the line leader, I never got to be class president, I never even got to do lunch count at the cafeteria.  I've never been given the opportunity to step into any leadership role EXCEPT for cheer captain which I totally sucked at because I was a bitch in high school.  My baggage was too heavy and I suffered from ill-equipped coping mechanisms (I'm still working on that shit too).  In my adult life I had a brief opportunity to shine and I did well with it - I was a squad leader in basic training and kicked ass at that...but after that I guess nothing tickled my fancy enough to get me to shine.  Although at times I thought a certain workplace would suit my career goals, the doors would always remain closed.  I guess there are bigger plans for me. 

Then we moved here and I spent 6 years at home taking care of and making a few kids of my own.  I succeeded at a few things I had previously failed at.  Like breastfeeding, and being a good wife.  Those were important victories for me now that I really think about it.  But all along I thought this journey was about my husband, and not me at all.  Then along came Zumba Fitness (my glorified second chance at being cheer captain and doing it well).  The journey the last two years has been filled with ups and downs.  It still is.  One day I have 30 people consistently, obligations take hold of every one's life and I have 12 students for weeks on end during the summer months.  But through it all, I haven't lost site of what this is about.  It's about sharing my talents and openness of heart to help people begin and maintain a weight loss and fitness journey.  It's about them, not me.  I want to be a fitness professional, a personal trainer, a group fitness instructor, a weight loss coach, a support system on many different levels - whatever title you want to put to it, I want to be it. 

And I'm going to do it, too.  Watch me. 

I took the plunge!

After contemplating forever over a new business opportunity, I decided to become a Beach Body coach.  If you've come to this blog and you are feeling down about your current health situation and you want to start a fitness journey - reach out.  You get to hear a lot of my neurosis and crap on this blog, but at the center of me - what I'm really about, is helping people figure out how to work healthy eating and fitness into their lives.  I am not a nutritionist, but beach body has tools in place for me to help my customers succeed, people with a lot of education and the know how to give you information.  I am only licensed to teach Zumba Fitness, and my classes aren't anywhere near you.  But all of you are at my finger tips, and beach body has workout programs that you can do in your own home if you so desire.  I am always available for motivation, advice, help anytime you need someone to listen and give you a lift over obstacles that you face in changing your lifestyle.  It's not about being perfect, it's about progressing into a more positive and healthy journey.  We are always going to falter, we are gonna want to eat pizza, or take a nap instead of working out.  But - we are all capable of baby steps.  Just cutting out one soda we drink per day turns into cutting out all your soda entirely after we get used to having less...and less....and less.  You are who you decide to be.  If you want help getting there, I can take your hand.  You can connect and become my free customer by joining today.  If you want to take it a step further you can get a club membership and start using other tools to help you in your process.  Thanks for taking the time to read my musings.  You are appreciated.  

http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/Zumbamommy23#

Work and life

All work and no play makes me grumpy as hell, but feeling super accomplished none the less.  I have been working my buns off cleaning up the gym at the Grange building where I teach my Zumba classes.   I took on the job of cleaning this building and have done a good job upstairs where we house the gymnastics, Tae Kwon Do and Zumba - the bathrooms and foyer....but doing the bare minimum in the gym because it was a mess, it needed more than just a thorough cleaning to get it where it needs to be.  We had a board meeting about three weeks ago where I got creamed for not doing enough even though everyone else was just sitting around and not doing anything to take initiative to make things better.  I felt no need to put in the elbow grease if I was alone in the task and needed approval for painting and help to get those awful carpets out and good solid gym mats in their place.  I figured demolition before we made it shiny?  Apparently that was not the page the wicked witch of the west was on so I got reprimanded, blind sided, in front of a room full of people who really had no place in hearing the accusation.  But whatever.  I took that negative energy and resentment towards my other successes in the building and just started to work harder.  It's coming around and I'm going to kick some serious ass.  Why?  Because I really care about this place and I want to see it grow and succeed.  Not for me, but for the half of our town that's overweight and feeling shitty about themselves.

I have a good handful of haters here, but living across the street from them are my supporters, people who believe in me and the vision I have for our town.  Why do people have to bring their dollars to larger cities because that's the only place that have access to amazing fitness classes and full gym facilities?  Why not keep it local and convenient?  Why not give them a place to find support and fitness mentors to help them navigate this crazy notion of health and fitness?

Back track about 10 years.  There was a vision of another young lady who was raising a family here and trying to insight a fitness movement in our town, but there was one thing missing.  Or actually, one thing in the way.  Her giant ego.  She built this gym and community building but failed to build lasting and supportive relationships in the process.  It was all business, all the time, and never that connection people want to feel.  I'd rather get a bad hair cut from an amazing person who leaves me feeling special than get a fantastic one from someone who could care less if they ever saw me again.  Far too many people felt unimportant and overwhelmed with starting a journey they knew nothing about.  Business is about forming relationships with people because first and foremost they want to know when they give you money they worked really hard to earn, that it's appreciated and valued.  They want you to work hard, sometimes harder than the paycheck warrants.  One good recommendation turns into another and when you do it right your business improves as does your paycheck.

Fitness is kind of tricky because most people would much rather dream of becoming fit than putting in the hard work and hours it takes to lose the fat they've accumulated.  It's challenging and it means putting yourself first for a change.  It means busting your ass and eat with intention instead of feeding your soul.  All good things in moderation.  I think I have a gift for motivating and seeing the potential in any given person.  Everyone falls off the wagon from time to time, but I consider myself a ladder to help them get back on.  I've never been more sure of anything in my life up to this point.  This is my journey right now.  It might not always be so, but right now I am right where I'm supposed to be.

So I will tread lightly around this particular obstacle.  I will placate her and make her feel like her contribution is the most important one because it will help me accomplish things that need to be done.  She leaves next summer for good since her twin boys are graduating and going off to college.  This door is opening for me and I'm going to walk through it.

Again, here I am with a million run on sentences and a story that suffers from ADHD.  I hope you were able to keep up.  :D

Checking in....

Howdy people, here you are again checking in on me and I find it unbelievable that complete strangers would want to come back for more but apparently some of you do so I should probably do you a favor and give you something to read. 

This week was another crazy one.  I have been taking on more things lately and getting busier and busier.  If I don't get a planner, something is gonna fall through the cracks but I'm trying very hard to stay on top of things. 

You wanna know something enlightening about the issues I was dealing with a few weeks ago?  I owned them and was honest with myself and with the person they referred to and poof, they were gone.  I can't explain it and I don't know exactly how it all just evaporated, but it did and I'm walking on air because of it.  I suppose there's something to be said for true honesty and trusting that all will be well if you put yourself out there and be vulnerable.  The people who truly love and honor your friendship will remain and walk you through it, the people who are in it for themselves will walk away and throw a few knives in your back in the process. 

In that discovery I have also started to work on my self loathing issues.  I would project negativity towards me from others onto who I was as a person and bash myself into small itty pieces.  It obviously wasn't working for me and was making me miserable.  It came about and was as simple as a shift in thinking.  My thoughts just sort of gently rotated without too much hard work.  I say not too much work....but then  I'm 36 years old and just now starting to come into focus (and there will be instances where I'll have to put this into practice with greater efficiency).  My inner dialogue reads... it's not you, it's them.  It's okay for them to think and feel how they do, but you cannot dim your light or change who you are to fit their mold.  You are you and you are enough.  The people who love you, the people who contribute to your life; focus on that.  They are the light and where your heart should be.  You cannot change the opinions of others, and their opinions have NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW GOOD YOU ARE!  So I stopped believing in the crap.  I'm happy and not letting the past creep in and rob me of what I deserve in this present moment.  I am extremely proud of this progress. 

Wow!

Well last week was a zinger, no?  It's insane the emotions I go through on a daily basis and I wonder, what in the hell is wrong with me?  Does everyone internalize like this or am I a sick bastard?  I am kinda sick but I have to say that I'd rather be me, here growing and changing, learning and loving, rather than anyone else.  I am me, and I am enough. 

I know it's okay to feel things and that I will go through many emotions as I go through this process.  I lost my mom this year and that isn't easy no matter what age you are, or how long you had her around to be a constant in your life.  Your relationship with this unique and special individual shapes and molds you in many intricate ways.  My family, and it's many generations are evolving and I'm proud to say I'm part of that process.  My year of therapy helped me see that my family wasn't as bad as they seem on paper, that we are/were a culture, and I am no less of a human because of my experience.  But that isn't to say that I can't grow and see the bad points, and hone and sharpen the good points. 

 So you wanna here some things about the girls?  I promise that I am raising them in this process of being one huge cluster fuck.  I'm also still a dedicated and loving Zumba instructor with a new Toning class that people are very excited and happy with.  So that feels good.  But here I am digressing again.

Abby started school this fall.  Can you imagine my elation of having all three of my daughters in full time school?  It's like a big fat Christmas present every morning.  And I love her teacher.  Abby just loves being busy and having fun, she is very happy and well adjusted.  I am doing a good job :D  That's not to say I never lose my cool, or forget important shit.  I do far too often but I have to say that I have a great balance between love and chaos.  I am not a perfect mum, but I am a great mum.  And I know that someday there will be such a great reward in this journey when my girls are mothers and I can watch them do me, but better.  

Emily is playing soccer this year.  She whines and complains on game days that it's too hard without fail, then she gets on the field and starts having a good time learning to navigate a game she's born to play.  She's going to be an athlete as she grows and it's going to be a natural gift that she has.  I am going to really enjoy her in this area and I'm so excited to think about what's to come for her as she gets older.  First grade agrees well with her and she's just beginning to get this reading thing.  Mostly whats lacking is confidence and I'm working on that, practice is what will help her grow.  It won't be long now and she'll be blazing through books.  She has a readers mind and I know she'll enjoy the escape a good book can bring. 

Sydney is in 7th grade.  Oh boy, this year is going to be full on roller coaster I think.  Her emotions are all over the place (who's kid is she anyway).  But all in all she has a heart to be coveted and when push comes to shove she does the right thing.  She's bright and full of promise.  I would very much like to keep her that way.  Hopefully the boys will stay the hell away from her.  I'm hoping she takes on the persona of cool, angry chick that boys are afraid of because she's smart and powerful.  So far she's heading in that direction.  She wears my old Army camo to school and my jungle boots.  I don't discourage it at all.  She's also pretty as a princess.  Best blue eyes ever. 

The big man of the house has now become a hunter and also loves to play Frisbee golf.  I just cater to him and try to make him feel special because he lives with a house full of women and that has got to be hard.  I hope he gets his deer this year, he'll cry like a little bitch if he doesn't and we don't like him to be disappointed.  HE IS SO SPOILED!!  But in a very humble kind of way that's endearing.  In a few months we will celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary.  I have never been happier in my marriage. 

The calm after the storm....

Or is it the eye?  I've had another difficult day.  No sleep last night to speak of really, lots of crying and truths this morning talking with a friend.  Just sharing and getting to the heart of the matter.  I want to say this out loud before it becomes an afterthought.

Lessons and who's to blame, I am not trying to place anything.  I am my own person, I take responsibility for how I feel and certainly don't blame my mom for everything.  It takes a village to raise a child, this I know because Jamie and I are raising three on our own without the support of family, it's just us.  We struggle and it's not easy.  My mother raised 10 kids single handed and with little to no means.  She worked her fingers to the damn bone and I know that couldn't have been easy.   She did the absolute best she could and I love her so much for the strength she held onto in her heart.  It was her hard shell that allowed her to persevere and keep going no matter what.  It was her tough exterior that gave her the courage to live for years with immeasurable pain and never complain, not once.  I love her beyond words and although my insecurities stem from my childhood, it is now MY responsibility to stand up to that voice in my head and kick its ass.  I am who I am today because of my mom, and there are so many more good qualities that far outweigh the bad.  It's just sometimes they creep in, my fear, my pain....demons summoning me to give up and lose sight of my goal.

Doubt kills....but I am my mother's daughter, and I will keep going and persevere because she taught me that.  To keep trying, to believe in the positive things people bring to our lives and help anyone along the way that could benefit from something I have to offer.  But most of all I will feel happiness for their gain even though I'm still waiting for my day.  Mine will come to me when I learn to just feel joy even when my hand isn't as great as another.  We all have a story unique to ourselves and none of us know each others journey and what it's all about.  All in good time and I truly believe my day will come and all of this growth will come into focus.  I have a great life ahead of me.     

Mom, I hear you loud and clear and I know you loved me, that you were proud of me.  It's just painful losing you and I miss you.  Sometimes it feels like I'm alone in this just like I always felt alone in it with you as a child.  It's hard for anyone else to understand my pain of losing you, but we all have our sufferings and miss you in ways each of us cannot understand.  A mother's love is complex and different for each of her children, yet the same.  I regret the time I wasted not sitting by your side and trying to probe things out of you that you might have wanted to say.  I wish you would have shared more with me but the quiet lessons you taught to me through your daily walk, I remember well.  Every day I think of you and that will never change.  I miss you so much. 

This complicated life....

I have been neglecting this blog again and I have to wonder if it has anything to do with the neglect I've also given to myself.  So much has happened since the last post and yet everything has stayed the same.  I guess I'm just working and doing my thing but at the same time I need this place for the outlet, to write down my thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears.  Helps me sort it all out if that makes sense.  I can place the good in front of me and let the bad fall behind me and hopefully, move on for just a while.  Funny thing about life's lessons and karma.....the idea that we keep living and learning the same lessons over and over until we have evolved into a more enlightened place.  A comfortable place.  This is where my lessons can be thought out and hopefully learned.  But life get's busy and people need you, so unless you become very adept with implementing those lessons, the problem areas can slowly creep in.  Or maybe something will happen that reminds you that your work isn't complete, there's still more growth to be had and even though you've made progress....you're not done by a long shot. 

I've missed mom a lot lately.  It feels like a very lonely place.  Everyone misses her, I know that, but I have come to realize that I wasn't ready for her to be gone even though I had accepted it and tried to be okay with her passing because there was no other choice.  I wanted her resting time to come because she was tired and her body and mind was no longer here to hold my hand through this complicated walk that life can sometimes be.

This blog is full of my insecurities and feelings of not being enough, not loving myself enough, blacking out my good points and focusing on my bad even though I'm capable of knowing otherwise.  How long does it take for your heart to catch up with your mind?  Is that why they say life begins at 40?  Because it takes that long to overcome and untie the ego and feelings of inadequacy? 

I've often thought about my craving for approval I have towards my mother, this need for her to be proud of me.  Look at me mom, look what I can do!!  I just wanted to do better by her and to show her that I was good, but I had to make a lot of mistakes in the process of becoming enough.  In my quest to get this I've often met her disapproval, or so I felt.  I made bad choices, I didn't go to church, I didn't teach my kids about God, I was impatient and sometimes had a sharp tongue with my kids, I was a selfish wife, I wasn't a hard enough worker.  Oh my word, the list goes on and on about what I do that's wrong.  I guess I felt like no matter how hard I showed her my good points, it always ended up feeling like I was boastful or a show off and she hated that part too.  I just wanted her to be proud of me.  I wanted her to say it to me, and hug me and tell me that I was a good girl despite my mistakes. 

This is quite a revelation actually.  I've always know that I felt this way, but I had no idea how deep seeded it was until she passed, and more specifically, this week.  It's connected to my insecurities as a grown woman and as much as I know that wasn't her intention to make me feel this way, I am being forced to honor it in my daily walk.  The voice in my head is screaming it at me actually.   It comes to me in the form of jealousy towards certain people in my life.  I get bummed out when good things come their way, and the funniest part of it all is.....it was me that held their hand and encouraged them to get where they are today.  Instead of being proud of my selfless act, I feel sorry for myself that I succeeded in lifting them up to a higher place.  And why?  Because I am insecure and can't seem to believe that I would be good enough to still be loved by the people around me that now find inspiration in my friend.  RIDICULOUS!  I'm so mad at myself for not being able to feel happy for her that I end up feeling even worse about myself.

I had a dream last night about mom.  In that dream mom was having me go through papers that were sort of like a hand written will.  There was a paper that had the bequeathed written out by the owner that had passed and apparently was causing a misunderstanding or argument amongst family or something about who was supposed to get a boat.  Weird, I know.  Anyway, while shuffling through papers I saw little notes she had written and one of them was for me telling me that she loved me and was proud of me.  That she loved me unconditionally and understood that life is about making mistakes and learning along the way.  I woke up crying and with a heavy heart.  I'm still crying now.  Apparently this is a lot deeper than I thought.  Perhaps she came to me for a reason, to place a stone at my feet.  A stone that is begging me to take a step forward and remember that even though she wasn't good at saying it, she felt it.  A stone that's calling me to put it behind me and be who I'm supposed to be, a helper.....a healer.  That I am good enough and if I can just unlock my mind, my journey can take an even greater shape and I can start to unleash my power within.

I'm really good at helping others see their potential, why is it so hard to see my own?   

Deep, I know.  Thanks for listening. 

Slow moving but moving none the less.

That's the norm around here.  I've been tired and busy and tired.  My work has been suffering because there's no time for Zumba when you're busy and tired.  But this week has been a good one.  I've been working my ass off and I'm feel so good about making a little progress. 

I'm not a dancer or a choreographer and I have no creativity when it comes to putting stuff together.   I can take bits and pieces from other talented people, tweek it to my own body movement and bring it to class but the inspiration and motivation that goes into the research is daunting at times.  I've been trying to put together a new class format, Zumba Toning, and it's proving to be a challenge getting started but I feel a little momentum coming.  I have about four or five songs that are in my brain and have found choreography to go along with them.  One I did myself start to finish with a minor inspiration from an old youtube video that Nathan Blake put out a year ago.  Just getting one song completed and ready is enough to get a ball rolling.  Won't be long now and I'll have a class ready to go.  Here's the kicker....I'm just getting above water with Mom's death and I'm going home in two weeks to bury her.  So for the next two weeks I need to work my ass off so fucking hard so that when the time comes to grieve a little more, I can just be present in that. 

I miss her so much.  I don't even know how to explain this plain I'm on.  Almost like I don't have a mother at all and I'm just hovering in this space because there isn't time to feel sad for too long because this delicate tower being held together by the skin of it's teeth would crumble if I were to stop paying close attention to every spinning wheel.  I'm so exhausted and tired of playing catch up.  I just hope and pray that my Toning class works out and it's not a waste of my effort putting this together.  I need full classes all the time to help keep this family fed and happy.

Wish me luck.   

Getting by...

About six weeks have passed since Mom passed away.  Some of those weeks it was all consuming, but in a functional, go about my business sort of way.  Instead of crying, my body hurt and I thought about her all the time and didn't deal well with stress in general.  But I'm getting better and better.  So much better and so much faster than I always anticipated I would be when I lost her.

How strange to go through your life and mostly always have that worry or knowing your mother will leave you far too young into your own life.  And I'm much older than I thought I would be when she passed away but I'm still too young to lose that voice of reason, that soft blanket of comfort; the person who loves you no matter what you say or do.   

I suppose she's watching over me now, witnessing my life in snippets she never had before.  The person I am when no one is watching.  I hope that even though I'm not perfect, I'd still make her proud to say that she raised me.  I try really hard, not to be better than where I came from, but just to be the woman she hoped I would be.

And I'm working like crazy, and when I'm not working, I should be.  I've taken trainings to up my Zumba skills as an instructor and got my license to teach Zumba Toning, which I am hoping will flourish with hard work and time.  It's not going to be easy to add another specialty from scratch, but if I baby it and give it the attention it deserves, and to be honest, focus a little harder, I'll be just fine.  My students will love it if they get the toning results that I can give them if I do it right. 

We got to see Niagara Falls, my family and I, during one of the trips I had to take for training.  We went over to the Canadian side and I'm glad we did because WHAT A VIEW THAT WAS!!  So pretty, so surreal.  And a little fucked up how trashy the American side was compared to the lovely scenery the Canadian side had.  We played tourist and rode the Maid of the Mist, complete with blue rain coats, even tiny ones for kids.  So cute!!  It was a blast. 

I also had a visit with my sister from Maine and my birth Mom, Dee, last weekend.  We had a good time, just a nice long four day visit with shopping and flower planting, a little boozing, along with some gambling the slots.  It was a good vacation for us all.  Three weeks before I make the trip to Maine to bury mother.  I'm not looking forward to the good bye but I'm happy that I'll get to be there doing it with my family. 

So there is my check in.  I hope you're happy. 

It's shocking.

How many people Google pickled beets and cottage cheese! I ain't even joking.

And just like that.

She left us.

Mom left us this morning.

It felt like she was going to hold on forever, like she felt as if she had unfinished business, or she was afraid, after living all these years on this earth, to take the next step into her new journey. And then just like that her beating heart stopped and she flew away.

I don't know how to describe loving a mother who isn't your mother. But she's your grandmother so her blood is really not all that removed from my own. She's my mother's mother, it feels more connected, like the bond is stronger than if it had been my father's mother. Maybe because my father died when I was little and never knew what it meant to have one. But maybe it isn't all that difficult to describe. Maybe she was just my mother and I was her daughter and it didn't matter that she didn't directly give me life because at the end of the day, I was here because of her.

I have missed her for a long time, and now I will miss her even more. When I want to call and just hear how she is from my aunt, or to have a two minute conversation that leave me feeling sad, there won't be anyone to check on. Instead I'll just feel empty, maybe not forever, but I will for a long time. I want to have my mother here with me like it used to be so bad. I want to share my life with her and to talk about my kids and laugh about the funny things they say with her. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. I miss that the most. Just having her to chat with to pass a lazy afternoon. I miss you so much Mom. So much.

RIP Verna A. Bird. April 15th will be always be your day now. Until we meet again.

I'm not really so full of myself.

If I don't constantly remind myself that I'm a good person and deserving of good things in life I will be too busy convincing myself that everyone hates me and that I am as awful on the inside as I am ugly on the outside. It's uncomfortable to read that last post of affirmation. I take every little negative aspect of life personally and that day I was convincing myself that despite the lack of love some have for me, others are motivated and inspired by the person that I am.

I've lost a couple of friends this year. One friend was someone that I thought would be a friend forever. Our connection was a smash hit right from the very first encounter. The other was an old friend who really wasn't a friend at all. The relationship was keeping me stuck in the mud, a dead weight and a major distraction in my life so I closed that door myself, but the other door was shut in my face abruptly and nailed shut.

Ouch.

I know that leaving one relationship by the wayside was by far the best thing I've done for myself in a long time and since then, I have had more focus and happiness than I have had in YEARS! The other unfriending I saw coming a mile away but I'm still hurt by it. What have I done that could be so awful to warrant such a dumping. What was so deplorable that it couldn't have been talked through. But I guess that was the major difference between her and myself. I am capable of seeing human failings for just that, human failings. I make dumb choices all the time and even though I mean well, I don't always treat people exactly as they deserve in a moment of stress or anxiety and end up apologizing on a regular basis. But I'm getting better and trying harder than ever. I guess maybe that is why I'm such a tolerate person and will often sit silently through blatant disrespect before I will speak up for myself and say what is on my heart. I need to be liked that badly I guess.

Anyway, I am a tolerant woman and when I love you, I love you and there isn't much you could do that would make me want to nail our friendship to a cross. But that's just me.

Sometimes your light is too bright.

Not every one is going to buy what you're selling, but that's okay. In this process of helping others become fit and healthy, I imagine that there are people who can't handle the awesome that you're giving out. It has nothing to do with your awesome, and everything to do with the way they feel about themselves.

I have made people want to vomit a little in their mouth with the gifts I possess. It's hard for some to look at a positive light and see the good in it because they would rather focus on negativity and being unhappy. I don't wish to reside on that side of the fence anymore but it has come at a price at times. I am a sensitive and insecure in my weaker moments, but I'm growing. I'm starting to realize that happiness and being fruitful is a state of mind and has a lot to do with where your focus is.

I am in the middle of a life transformation and learning to let my light shine bright despite the bad that is out there in the world. Despite the jealousy and hatred that comes from people who do not wish to reach for something good.

For every one person that likes the darkness, there are a dozen who want to benefit from what you have to offer. That's not even considering the cloud that resides above your head when you choose to partake in that negativity. I promise to myself to stop trying to change the haters and put my hard work and effort into being something positive and helpful to the people who want to be supported and loved. It will come back to me in spades. If I give up on my dreams of helping others, they win. And I lose.

To hell with that philosophy. I'm so much happier in the winner's circle.

So much happier.

Up and at 'em!

How annoying to be woken up at 2:45 am by your brother who has found himself in jail once again. I sassed him and told him he was a dink for calling me in the middle of the night. What couldn't wait for the morning? Nothing. He just needed to be validated that he was still a good person even though he continuously makes poor decisions for himself. It's everyone's fault but his own. At one point, well, the last time he was in jail, I tried to reach out to him and be honest. I told him to get help and to better himself while he had the chance to do it, and had the chance to think. Within months of being released from jail he was up to his same old tricks and trades. All he ever does is make excuses and lie. It's sad and it makes it hard on all of us worrying if he's going to be okay. Just another alcoholic who won't face up to their problems in my family. How many we up to now?

I feel bad that he's having such a hard time kicking addiction. It doesn't have to be alcohol, it can be any substance that takes away the misery that is his reality. The pain he refuses to deal with. I wrote about this before. He's struggled, that's been taken into consideration by everyone. Haven't we all? I have climbed tough mountains in my day, only to reign queen on high once more several times. That's at least 40 times more than I care to think about. I struggle all the time with guilt from past mistakes and sadness from what was lost and cannot be restored. I struggle with substance abuse and keeping myself clear so I can make good choices. What other choice do we have but to learn from our mistakes and live in a better direction.

I love you Mike but now is the time. GET HELP!!

So he's back in jail and will stay there I imagine. He broke his probation this past December after going through a year's worth of unnoticed bad behavior. It's caught up with him because he can only run for so long.

I'll be so happy and relieved, as will we ALL when he stops running and faces his problems head on. He's a good person and deserves good things like anyone else. Just choose a better life Michael. We're all waiting for you.

So here I am at 5:20 am. It's almost time for my alarm and I was tired of spinning my wheels so I thought I'd share the latest crazy thoughts.

In other news, I have not called my aunt all week and I have not heard from her. I guess that would mean that mom is still waiting for her light. I feel guilty not to be more present in that situation but it's so difficult to face. I am not turning a blind eye, she's on my mind daily but I can't live in constant grief, I don't think she'd want me to.

I am going to have a long ass day. I'm yawning like crazy but of course can't shut my mind off. I made coffee and I hope that helps. I have a 5 mile hike planned for my friend and I this morning to start her day off right. It's her birthday!! I am looking forward to making it a good one.

Have a good day my friends. Chat again later.

Okay, so maybe it's time to grow up.

The past two weekends have been rather nice without the effects of the boozing I like to do on Friday or Saturday evenings. Don't get me wrong, I am not piss drunk and crazy. I like a nice evening out with friends, the hubby, or at home with some adult beverages. It just takes the sting out of the week. But the world seems a lot clearer without a hangover or the hankering for a drink to make me feel better. So maybe I'm growing up.

Other things could be contributing to this newly found inner peace. I dropped a Zumba class that was draining both my gas fund and my energy on Fridays. That was the best thing I've done in ages. Normally, I would suffer through something that was unpleasant until I cracked at the seems and broke a bridge or two. Is this another sign I'm growing up? WTF!!! I combined my ZumbAtomic (kids classes) groups also. Now we have just one class for 4-12 years of age and family members. Last Saturday was great, a nice mix of adults and kids dancing and having fun. I can see that growing with time and a little TLC. I'm excited about it again. I wasn't before.

I started a running group to help other people train for our local 5k in May. We had our first run together yesterday. It is nice to have a group of ladies support each other in this fitness world. It's not easy doing it alone. I am helping another girl on Monday nights as well. I want as much diversity as I can get these days, and if that means helping others without getting paid, that is okay because I think of it as 1.) good karma, and 2.) different workouts for myself, and 3.) more training and experience helping people with their fitness. So win, win all around and sometimes you just do things to help people because it's the right thing to do.

My husband purchased a new bike for my birthday present last month. I love it so much I'm not even upset that I got a flat the first time I took her out for a spin. I really enjoy it so much more than I thought I would. I'm starting another group for women who bike.

Why the hell not? I'm just trying to fill my life with good and then maybe I won't have time to get depressed.

Speaking of depressed. Last week was hard in terms of my mother. The more I talk to my aunt, the harder it is. She would love for us all to feel the stress and hurt she's going through as much as possible. She loves patting herself on the back and giving herself recognition. I tell her thank you all the time but I think she'd rather I take a full page add in USA Today or some fucking thing. I usually find myself crying throughout the day after I've talked to her. The guilt trips she takes you on are what's most difficult to deal with. I try to put it in terms of how MY mother would feel. The woman that I know and kept close with through my entire life would not want me to leave my husband and three young kids to rush to her side and watch her die. I need to keep that in my mind and nothing else. It's about her, not Diane. Mother's life is ending, not Diane's, although you would think it was both. She complains constantly about all she's sacrificed. Sacrifice....she knows little about. Sacrifice is putting everyone before yourself and not asking for anything in return. My mother is the one who sacrificed her whole life for others. Diane just wants us all to be at her mercy and control. She has written mom's obituary and won't even let me look at it. She has complete power of attorney over mom and won't let any of us have an opinion about it. It's all bullshit. Control freak.

Alright. I'll stop bitching now.



I miss my mom all the time. All the time.

It's just that time of year.

The time when I crawl into a hole and try to get through 28 days of hell, this year it was 29. February is one mean bitch and kicks my ass every year. It's no coincidence that I celebrate Valentine's Day, wedding anniversary, and my birthday all within those four short (loooooooong) weeks. It kinda sucks to have it all piled on top of the other and usually I'd say that I get the big old jiparooni but when I think hard about it...what would happen to me otherwise. The cake, the flowers, the cards, the presents....probably keep me from the funny farm. When I am independently wealthy, I am heading to Jamaica for February hell.

So you're wondering if my mom passed away, right? She is still hanging on by a thread, almost as if her suffering has to be drawn out so her family is okay with her heading into the Great Beyond. And we are all ready for her to be over the suffering and the pointless existence of her death bed. I just want her to be free. I could cry a river for myself but that isn't what this is about. Finally, at long last, I am at peace with losing my mother. My selfish ego, who refuses to quiet down is shouting otherwise but I'm trying not to feel pity for myself because it isn't productive or even fair to have that emotion given all that she's suffered and endured through her entire life.

I am grateful to her for loving me and keeping me safe even though she was my grandmother, not my mother. For raising me and clothing me and keeping me warm at night. I love her more than any other person on this earth sans my own children. Through that love, my grieving will be about saying good bye and letting go, not wishing for the outcome to be different. I take comfort knowing that I'll be able to talk to her when she's gone. She'll really hear me and know that I learned a lot from her. That all I ever wanted to do was make her proud of me, not to show off or be some sort of fancy pants that I often felt she thought I was doing when I tried to buy her a gift, or cook her a meal. I just wanted her to know that although I was not perfect or everything she would have liked me to be, I had paid attention to her and when I try to curb my less desirable habits, I try to be more like her in many ways. I'll never have the strength and incredible generosity that she had. She never complains even though she is always in considerable amounts of pain. She always gave even though she wasn't by any means wealthy enough to do so. I am forever in her debt.

I never know where I'm going when I write you know. I don't have a plan, or a structure, rhyme or reason. I just barf it all out on blogspot for the world to read if they choose. And I am terrified that someone I know will read it, except for a very select few people whom I trust with these incredibly vulnerable moments. It's okay for them to look in my window because I don't care what their going to think because I know they won't mock me and I wouldn't do it to them. And I love them for that.

So it's March now and I feel pretty happy this week. I'm coming out of my winter fog and it feels great. I've had a really productive couple of weeks which has been great for me. I needed to lift myself up in the worst way. I don't know where the shift came from but I have secret ideas, ideas I won't write about because my daughter now knows I have a blog and I'm terrified that she'll read it and find out her mother is crazy.

Speaking of, I have never considered her learning about things I have lived through and why I might be the person I am, some of which I've written in here. Let's hope I bore the living shit out of her before she searches too far into the archives.

Let's hope.

I'll try to get back here soon. I'm sorry for the long pause. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't. I appreciate that you come back though, considering it's such a bunch of crappy writing about the most random shit anyone could ever think of writing about. I can't believe anyone would even give it their time in the day but who am I to say what one person relates to. And with that I say.....catch ya later homies.

One Year

I taught my first Zumba class on this very day last year.

One of my students has lost 82 lbs.

Crazy. Amazing. Life-changing.

This job has given me my power back and allowed me to provide for my family in ways I never thought possible and still be able to stay home and take care of my kids on a full time basis. They may know every single lyric to every single Pitbull song but it's all been worth it.

I can't even put into words how good it feels to help people change their lives through Zumba. It's been a wonderful year for all of us.

I bet you're wondering

how my mother is these days. She is still hanging on but fighting less and less every day. She doesn't eat much and won't get out of bed. She just doesn't want to and won't help you one bit. She's tired and I don't blame her. I think it won't be much longer until she lets go of the thread permanently. Until then, we wait and call and wait and call.

The kids are all excited to take a trip. I'm looking forward to hearing about all their fun. Saturday will come fast enough and I'll see everyone. Jamie should be fairly comfortable and his mom should be of good help but I'm sure they'll all find a way to complain about how much work the job I hold down single handed for the majority of each day is. They're much bigger now which will make a major difference. Plus, so far, I have packed incredibly well. He should be sitting pretty with regards to food and snacks and gear. I hope he enjoys himself.

Me? I'm having a couple of girlfriends over for good pizza and good drinks.

:p

Like I promised...

I had a great weekend!!

It began with a suspiciously quiet sleepover, three hours of Zumba and a productive Saturday afternoon. Followed by a great party with girlfriends, food and drinks that did not get out of control. So that means I was home and in bed very sober and adequately tired. Sunday I woke up feeling rested and ready for a good day.

We had a great Sunday lunch of venison roast, mashed potato and green salad. So yummy with a slightly rich indulgence. Venison is great but takes a little getting used to. The roasts are amazing when you cook them for 6-8 hours. Fall off the bone and moist with juices. Friggen amazing.

And as promised, I successfully made a beautiful, and hopefully delicious, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting for Jim's co-workers. I'll get the scoop on flavor once they've all devoured my beautiful creation but something tells me it's going to be amazing. I'm jealous they get to eat it. I did make a second batch of carrot muffins and had left over icing for them. Also damn good and helped numb the pain of making a cake I will not taste. I need to know how good it is dammit.

Emily was down for the count practically all weekend with a fever and sore throat. She is improving so I opted to not take her into the doctor this morning. No fever, but slight sore throat with her cough still. I think she's on the mend. Hopefully the rest of us avoid getting it. I've been nervous about that the last couple days.

I watched Bridesmaids and My Big Fat Greek Wedding in bed this weekend. Jim and I relaxed and kept the house feeling nice and easy. I love weekends like that. It was so nice to be together and veg around like a bunch of lazies. It's really quite special how content we can be together. I love just cuddling and being quiet on a Sunday.

Thursday, Jim is driving the girls to meet his family for a weekend of tubing and skiing. I'm hanging back here and working until Saturday morning, then I'll drive down and spend the last night with them. Jim and I want to hit the hill alone Saturday night if they'll all be willing to help out with the kids. Here's hoping...a nice pre-anniversary date. It's not like we ever get to ask anyone for help with the kids but every other blue moon, I think we deserve it and hope to get some alone time. I have never been skiing before, it would be romantic to have him give me a bunny hill lesson. I wonder how they'll all deal with the mental stress of me not being around for three days to help with my little baby daughters, though. I think they'll be so busy and be having so much fun that when the down time at night begins, they will want to crash and rest up. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that.

Well that's about all I feel like talking about at the moment. I'll check in again this week sometime and ramble on about nothing, I'm sure of it.

Happy Monday people.

Finally Friday

Another week coming to a close. I just have to get through a three hour block of Zumba in the morning and then I can relax for a few days.

I am with a heavy heart today, the lack of sunshine brings me gloominess of the mind along with the dreary days. What's new with that you ask? I am quite the moody creature, I agree. And my body is worn out from all the exercise I'm putting it through. I'd like to take a long afternoon nap but the three little girls squabbling in my living room will not afford an afternoon of rest. Ah well....it's FRIDAY!

Tomorrow night I'm sure I'll be feeling a little higher since I'm invited to a Thirty-One party and a girls evening following. I love time spent with the girlfriends and getting out of my husband's hair. He loves it too I'm sure.

Speaking of....little asshole asked me to make his friend a birthday cake for an office party on Monday. So I guess I'm making a damn cake Sunday. But I love that man and would pretty much do anything he asked me to do. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, 14 years behind us already.

The dog laid a dump right on the rug by the front door this morning. It wasn't discovered until said door was opened and closed a few times. Several shoe and door smears later, I find it through the entire fucking house. Heavy heart? I have a hard time finding the positive in such karmic crap finding it's way to my doorstep. Literally.

Emily made it through half a day of school then vomited.

The awesome just won't quit today.

Sydney's dance is tonight and I'm going to try and stay nice and normal for her two friends who are staying over. Shouldn't be hard since I have to be out of the house at 8:30 am for Zumba and Dear Old Dad will be making the obligatory bacon and eggs. I'm glad that Sydney is a confident and content almost 12 year old girl though, the fact that she loves having friends over means she is happy in her home and her life. THERE!! I found the positive :D

Pat me on the back why don't you.

Have a good weekend. I'm going to.

OMG OMG....

A cleaning genius I am not...but let me tell you who is! Man, that girl can write. If you are here reading this, then you should definitely be reading that! Check her out...all of her musing are hilarious, gut wrenching and easily related to.

Emily is home sick today and I am finally feeling the urge to clean up the homestead for the first time in what feels like forever. I clean it all the time but if you asked me if I felt like doing it, I'd slap you in the face with my swiffer duster.

The babe is starting to feel a little better now but this morning at 6:00 am she was slightly pathetic and adorable. She's prone to vomiting when her tummy's upset and it turns her into the sweetest, most helpless little mite you ever saw. I know this is wrong on all sorts of levels, but I like when she gets a little stomach bug every blue moon or so.

Abigail is loving the company of her big sister and has been almost concerned about her this morning. Awwww...such sweet sisters. It's nice having them together like this again, it happens less and less as they get older. They both were doing school work at the kitchen counter while I scrubbed and bleached my floor this morn and it melted my heart watching them cut, glue and color side by side. Love those babies.

Sydney has a dance tomorrow night and is having a two friend sleep over afterward. She is changing and growing up so fast these days. Her cell phone at the ready, lip gloss in hand, she flips her curly locks and rolls her eyes at my Zumba antics and wouldn't be caught dead in one of my Zumba classes these days. Until her friends decide it's cool again and they all flock to the back row. Ahhhh...pre-teenage anst. Tweendom at it's peak....her 12th birthday is in about 6 weeks. And just like that she's not my baby anymore. She sure is a pretty little thing.

Zumba is rocking these days. I love averaging 20 peeps in class, the energy and the paycheck are so much better when I have a full(er) house. One Thursday night I had 30 people dancing with me. LOVE IT! I can only imagine what it must be like in a huge venue with 60 or 70 women rocking out to Pitbull and hanging on your every move. Such a rush. This was by far the best step I've taken that had nothing to do with my family and everything to do with me. It's been a lifesaver and a blessing. Mad props to Zumba for making this accessible to the average person. It's a lot of work to keep this class current and fun but it's worth it in so many different ways. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Anyway, that's my Thursday morning thoughts in a nutshell. Catch ya next time.

Yo mama she get Krazy!

What a weekend! My buddy came to visit with her FOUR kids and stayed over two nights with my krazy krew. We had a great visit but man am I tired! Saturday morning I had to teach an adult Zumba class but the second and third classes are ZumbAtomic, which is the kids version of Zumba. No sexy songs, or gyrating hips, just goofy dancing to music they may or may not have heard before. The kids all had a blast and I loved having them in class. The afternoon was as chill as one can get with 8 kids (our 7 plus a stray!). We got a little snow so they were able to bundle up and slide in the back yard for a little while. They left this morning and I was both sad and happy to see them go. It's work entertaining a big crew like that but the company was nice and seeing my bestie was even better.

The man of the house helped me clean up this morning then we all got ready for a trip to the mall and then some Target shopping. Both were great. I treated Sydney and I to manicures and the girls went to a play place that has a drop off option which we LOVE on occasion. The two littles played for an hour while we just did our own thing. LOVE family time like that. We walked around, drank a soda, visited the poor pet shop puppies and other animals and we came home. It was great and a nice way to end the weekend.

No hangovers. Thankful for that - the depression that ensues a big fat binge (there is no sugar coating allowed here) is absolutely crippling for me. I take a week to mentally recover and I don't like feeling like such a douche so yay for fresh weekends that don't involve too much booze. I'm nearly 36 years old for crying out loud. I shouldn't be getting so wasted. Geez.

Anyway - it's a good place that I'm in today. I like feeling content and living in the present without too much projecting. I'm the victim and prisoner of my mind far too much and it's nice to have it feel light for a couple of days.

On a side note, my mom seems to be reviving a little bit. She had my sister, Kim, visiting over the last weekend so she was surely happy to see another familiar face. I wish she wasn't so far away so I could see her all the time. Ah well....can't change it so I guess there's no use in fighting in my mind about it. Accepting shit is good for me....but not always practiced regularly.

Today is a different day.

Mom isn't doing great but there's no more information. We're all in limbo and no one is going to communicate to each other or show any sort of emotion or support. I'm so fucked.

My husband has applied for a job in Presque-Isle, Maine, teaching at the small University there. I get the feeling that my family thinks I'm better off gone from the county. It's like none of them even know me. Weird to want to go back there and to be digging my heals in also thinking it's not the right thing. Who knows.

I had a massage this morning. Man my hips are tight. She worked them really well but I'm starting to get sore from it. Feels good to get the muscles worked a bit, though. I should make a point to do that more often because I had a really relaxing time. Too bad it's so expensive to pamper yourself in such a way. More people should be able to afford such pleasures.

I'm still feeling a tad gloomy. Zumba tonight should help. My job helps me more than the ladies could ever know. I'm looking forward to a good workout and some time with the girls!! I should feel a ton better after work.

Here's hoping.

Anyway. I guess it's a different day, same mood. On a side note, I'm contemplating counseling so I can get out my neurosis. And to help me have better coping skills with the stresses of home life. No one wants to hear what is really going on in there. Not everything. So I need a place to be open with it all and keep afloat.

Good evening, ya'll. I'm about to throw on some tassel pants and get my Salsa on.

Nothing like a whopping hangover....

to make you feel like shit about yourself. Ugh! I over did it Saturday night and paid dearly for it yesterday. I guess I'm not capable of drinking tequila. Oh hell to the no. I'll pass next time, thank you.

I called my Aunt Diane this morning, she's my mother's caregiver and first born daughter. Diane's grandmother (my great grandmother) raised her and so we have that in common. She is caring for my mother, the mother that never raised her and I know at times it's a daunting and emotional task. A bond between a mother and child is so intricate and complicated without adding the giving away part. I can understand that completely. I am so grateful to her and to her husband for caring for my heart with such compassion and love.

She said mother isn't doing well this week. She wants to die and go be with her own parents in the after life and I don't blame her. I ask for her freedom to God all the time. What is the point of keeping her around, she can't really "be" present anymore, she's just waiting. It's incredibly unfair to see someone suffer practically their entire life.

You know I never heard her complain much. She took it all in stride and made the best of her life anyway. She helped her family and tinkered away at living as humbly and honestly as she could - all the while in pain. She had nothing of any value and was happy with that. She loved her kids and did right by all that came her way. She was just that kind of person. A good one. And I can't tell you how much I miss her. It's like an ache that won't go away. I ignore it a lot because what choice do I have? I could cry all day every day or I could go about my day and feel it when I need to. I try not to dwell in a place of grief but at times it engulfs me.

I don't know how I'll make it through losing her. I really don't. I can claim every day that I'm ready for this massive loss in my life. It's not as if I have her now. But I have a feeling it will be monumental and it's going to rock my world to the very core and shake things up tremendously. I just feel it coming like a slow tremor. It's been that way forever it seems. I always lived with the fear of the loss being right around the corner. There would be no grandma for my babies. Not like Jamie's mom is here for our girls. Thank goodness for her and for him. OMG - they're lucky girls to have that constant rock of stability. I'm not so confident in myself at times.

So I'm feeling low and just coming off such a shitty binder has not helped matters at all. I could use a little time on the wagon I think. The pressure these days seems to be getting to be a little worse and drinking only puts an emphasis on all that is wrong in my life. I need the light right now.

What a crappy couple of days.

At least I have about 8 loads of laundry to keep me busy. Ugh.

2012

I called my Mother for her birthday this past December and got the feeling that she was ready for a visit from me. So I asked my husband to drive us down there for New Year's weekend. We could take turns driving and get a hotel with the kids. Breakfast, pool, hot tub, big tv, free wi-fi, new iPad (Jamie's mother spoils him) and all five of us just hanging out and visiting Gram Bertie.

I took a few pictures. We got to visit a total of three times while we were there for the weekend. She remembered me and was in good spirits for each visit. She said my name when I walked in while she was having lunch on Saturday. It was nice to see a surprise on her face. I love and miss her so much.


I feel a lot of quiet emotion when I'm near her. I don't get upset, I just enjoy our time together and try to just pay attention and "be" there with her. I love this picture for so many reasons. Again, words escape in describing what this picture makes me feel.



And also here.


How funny to have the opposite expression in this one. Both of us look happy and present in our moment together. I will cherish these two photos of me with my mother.





Sydney is my only daughter who has a real memory of mom. We lived in Maine for a few years and I visited her with Sydney often. She hasn't seen her much over the last couple of years though I do talk about her around them. Mom gave her a rather extensive collection of glass animal figurines from her beloved Red Rose Tea boxes a few years back. She collected those all through my childhood. I think about all the little things and try to pull memories in as best I can. The little blurbs, private memories we grasp to hold onto. I miss her so much.

And of course we had to have one of these.

This was one of the most important trips of my life. I hope that I get to see mom again before she fly's away but you can't count on tomorrow. None of us can but I have this and I'm so happy that I do. I thanked Jamie over and over because I was so grateful that he helped make the trip happen. He's the greatest best friend ever.