Nothing like a whopping hangover....

to make you feel like shit about yourself. Ugh! I over did it Saturday night and paid dearly for it yesterday. I guess I'm not capable of drinking tequila. Oh hell to the no. I'll pass next time, thank you.

I called my Aunt Diane this morning, she's my mother's caregiver and first born daughter. Diane's grandmother (my great grandmother) raised her and so we have that in common. She is caring for my mother, the mother that never raised her and I know at times it's a daunting and emotional task. A bond between a mother and child is so intricate and complicated without adding the giving away part. I can understand that completely. I am so grateful to her and to her husband for caring for my heart with such compassion and love.

She said mother isn't doing well this week. She wants to die and go be with her own parents in the after life and I don't blame her. I ask for her freedom to God all the time. What is the point of keeping her around, she can't really "be" present anymore, she's just waiting. It's incredibly unfair to see someone suffer practically their entire life.

You know I never heard her complain much. She took it all in stride and made the best of her life anyway. She helped her family and tinkered away at living as humbly and honestly as she could - all the while in pain. She had nothing of any value and was happy with that. She loved her kids and did right by all that came her way. She was just that kind of person. A good one. And I can't tell you how much I miss her. It's like an ache that won't go away. I ignore it a lot because what choice do I have? I could cry all day every day or I could go about my day and feel it when I need to. I try not to dwell in a place of grief but at times it engulfs me.

I don't know how I'll make it through losing her. I really don't. I can claim every day that I'm ready for this massive loss in my life. It's not as if I have her now. But I have a feeling it will be monumental and it's going to rock my world to the very core and shake things up tremendously. I just feel it coming like a slow tremor. It's been that way forever it seems. I always lived with the fear of the loss being right around the corner. There would be no grandma for my babies. Not like Jamie's mom is here for our girls. Thank goodness for her and for him. OMG - they're lucky girls to have that constant rock of stability. I'm not so confident in myself at times.

So I'm feeling low and just coming off such a shitty binder has not helped matters at all. I could use a little time on the wagon I think. The pressure these days seems to be getting to be a little worse and drinking only puts an emphasis on all that is wrong in my life. I need the light right now.

What a crappy couple of days.

At least I have about 8 loads of laundry to keep me busy. Ugh.