T n' A

Only the a is for abdomen.....not ass. The t is exactly correct. I'm swelling at a rigorous pace and not slowing down anytime soon. The tummy is anyway, the boobs have been swollen since the minute I had two blue lines....and still growing.

I'm now officially insane.

Why can't I be one of those cute pregnant ladies? My face grows to twice it's normal plumpness, erupts in moutainous zits and feels like a freshly used oil pan. Don't even think of telling me that I'm glowing or I'll drip face grease all over your pretty new sun dress. My boobs take on a mind of their own. I don't just notice a slight swell in the breasts, I get knocked the fuck out the morning after I find out I'm pregnant. That 1-2 lbs of weight gain designated for your lovely ample bosom.....yeah, triple that. And when this kid pops out double the size once more. I need like 4 different size boob harnesses for the same YEAR. My belly at 6 months looks at least like someone else's 7th or 8th month. I'm blessed with the shortest stomach in history so when the baby reaches 12 oz. I'm at full occupancy. Either that or she's fucking huge. A month from now I'll feel like I'm carrying my very own soccer team. My once shapely, muscular legs turn into scrumptious sausage links, complete with a side of cottage cheese. No further comment.

Everyone talks about how beautiful pregnancy is. I have yet to find any humor in that statement.

Creating life is a wonderful blessing saved only for us women. The special experience we all cherish; holding our babies when it's all over. Would I probably feel the same love if I'd sat and waited on the side lines like the men get to? Sure I would. I'm almost positive that would be okay with me. I'll sit back on those hot summer days on the porch and drink my ice cold cervesa and convince HIM why it's so important to breast feed until your baby is at least two years old and drinking any kind of relaxing tonic during that period is off limits. "It's for the baby, honey."

Real life conversation.

Dumb man: "Man, I wish we were having twins, or triplets even. How awesome would that be?"

Angry pregnant wife: "Yeah, and you think I'd manage breast feeding twins, or triplets even."

Dumb man: "Why couldn't you breast feed twins? Or triplets even? I mean, if you're feeding one, why not two?"

Angry pregnant wife: "Go fuck yourself."

I think he's forgotten who he is married to. My sanity is really quite fragile. I'm not sure what straw would be the last. I'm managing it now and will continue to manage it I'm sure. However, twins or triplets alone would send me into the psyche ward, much less if I had to be a milking factory 24/7. How can he wish that upon himself, let alone me. I've known the man for nearly 10 years now. You'd think that experience alone would clue him into the fact that I would lose the few marbles I have left.

Oh sure, pregnancy is a wonder. New life is a miracle and I'm the lucky dog that gets to grow that life inside of my body. I'm happy I get to experience lots of pampering and the first few signs of movement that signifies a real life is beginning; I'm just over it now. I've done that last trimester once already. I don't wanna do it again.

I guess there's no going back now, right? Someone just put me to sleep....wake me when it's over.