Enough Already

Why is it some people are handed a plate full of trials with, IMHO, less than their fair serving of good stuff? She has to do this again. How many more times is she gonna have to subject herself to poking, prodding and cutting.

She has had a feeding tube attached to her stomach since the last surgery because they only thought she could eat on her own. Thought. They reluctantly let her out of the hospital after adamant demands on her end thinking all would be well. Only to find out a week later that she was swallowing incorrectly and literally every drop of liquid, every morsel of food was going directly into her lungs. She was severely dehydrated, hallucinating dehydrated and choking on what little nourishment she could force down. A two week stint in the hospital and she was slowly recovering.

During a routine, post op check up there was this one spot that just didn't look right. "Let us do a biopsy just to be 100 % sure that it's nothing."

It wasn't nothing.

Another surgery, exploratory at that. They can't really see the cancer, they just know it's cancer because the cells they tested said it was cancer. Their hopes are high. Yeah, you said that the first time along with a lot of other hopeful and over confident statements. They have since admitted post surgery that her tumor was the largest they had worked on to date. They weren't going to tell us that initially, partly to keep us positive, and partly so they would get to do the surgery. They are, afterall, research doctors. Not your normal, run of the mill MD's. They're making headways in research and doing fabulous things with people but it's a crap shoot. They have had great results in the past, but this is the first of this magnitude. Would of been nice knowing that going into the whole thing. Or....it could of just scared the living shit out of all of us.

I've been really optimistic throughout the past 18 months. Mostly because I refuse to believe that I am going to lose her. That just isn't supposed to happen. Our father is already dead......my other mother is not that far from the grave and I just flat out refused to contemplate that my birth mom is going to be snatched away from me at such a young age. That just wouldn't be fair. I need to have a grammy to offer my children. I want them to see where I came from. Even if it was crazy and effed the hell up at times.

Is she going through all of this treatment just to die anyway? Is she fighting a losing battle? Just tell me she's going to be okay. That's all I want to know, it's all she'll need to know to get through this one more thing.

Give her strength, somebody, anybody for that matter. She won't take any from us. She shoulders her feelings and thoughts concerning this by herself. She's lied about it for nearly two years and convinced us all she felt fine. Nothing was wrong.

I hope I have enough common sense to never pick up another cigarette again.