Private bathroom

does NOT mean that you're the ONLY one using it. Honestly, who do you think cleans the darn thing? The cleaning fairy from the far away land that also houses the laundry fairy perhaps?? Um, no. I dare say it's your pregnant wife fairy, and she's about to kick your a$$.

I understand that I may not radically change your behavior overnight. I'm not asking for miracles here folks, just one small act of kindness. One brief moment where you remember that your partner, lover, wife, mother to your baby girl(s) gets up in the night at least once to use the latrine. At roughly 2:00 am I roll out of bed, secure myself to a somewhat stable balancing act, waddle to the bathroom and tinkle.

Picture this, Spencer, New York, 2006. The aforementioned waddler manages to get to the bathroom safely. (When you do this as much as I do you eventually memorize each and every part of your journey and forego any possibly lighting.) She readies herself ever so elegantly in front of the porcelain bowl she plans on using to deposit her nightly (sometimes hourly) tinkle. She slowly descends, aiming for the perfect landing and SPLASH!!!!

Yes, you're visualizing correctly. The splash was my not so tiny white bum landing in a bowl full of water (clean, I hope) and nearly creating the tightest vacuum seal known to man. I was literally one afternoon snack shy of ripping the toilet bowl clean off the floor. So there I am, 6 1/2 months pregnant with my rump sitting in three inches of cold (it so better be clean) toilet water at 2:00 am this morning. The rest is history. (Though I must mention that I said NOTHING to the perp when I returned to bed dry and confused.) I've lived to tell the tale this morning and I'm assuming there is no permanent damage done to either myself or the toilet.

So please honey, I'm begging you. If you only remember one time in the course of your day to lower the seat for your lady, do it before you slide into bed. I understand, you leave it up, I leave it down. All I'm asking for, and only during pregnancy if that is all you can afford me, is to kindly leave me a safe landing strip at night. Only because all it takes is a single good splash on the bum to ruin just ONE pregnant lady's day. Don't let it be mine.