Don't even think about it punk.

The boobs belong to ME! TO MEEEEEEEE!!

I can haz a kiss plz?

I sure do make cute babies.

Ten days.

How do you make due in ten days? How long is long enough to keep you for a year's time?

I was relieved to drive away this morning. Not a tear to be shed. A good night's sleep was at my fingertips and I couldn't wait for the ride to end.

Now I am here and all I have are moments to remember. Faces to etch into my memory. Or pictures to help me relive the sounds and smells and the feel of home.

Sisters reunite and reacquaint. Cousins fumble through forgotten bonds.

A mother is coming to her final days. Another has a new way of living.

Friends make the most of a few hours. New friendships grow ever so slightly.

New communities are emerging. New people with old traditions in a new place. The buggies are a welcome addition to the already down home scenery almost like they have always been there. Or should have been.

I left twelve years ago and have emerged a new woman. Still unsure but continuously growing into her confidence with a clear picture of who she is and where she is going but darn it all if part of her still wants to cleave to the safety net of her youth.

I am sad tonight. I want the familiar. I want friends close by and family to run to when the comfort level feels a bit narrow.

Maybe I don't need all this as much as I think I do but I know that I need it more than once a year.

I'll say it again.

It's an emergency that I am not closer to my place. It's not just any place. It's MY place. And I love it there.

I have no choice.

I could continue to throw away $50+ dollars per month on diapers for Miss Naughty or I could roll up my sleeves and dive in. To potty training that is. Those who have done this before know that it can go either way. Some kids want to go on a toilet and stop shitting their pants and others. Well, not so much.

There really isn't a choice anymore. She's taking her diapers off left and right, stripping naked and running around flashing her ass like she is Britney friggen' Spears.

I'm taking the naked approach. I let her wear a dress but go commando so she doesn't have to mess with those pesky underwear when we're in a hurry to reach the john. Girls like this sort of thing anyway, they want to feel the wind in their vagina. Or so I've heard.

Today wasn't so awful. Then it suddenly took a turn for the worse. Or worst if you want my opinion. I was doing my motherly duty of preparing a nutritious meal for the family I love so dearly when Miss Naughty began to scream. Not so much out of the ordinary except that when I went to check on her there was a trail of crap from the dining room to the bathroom where I found her, standing over a puddle of urine in shock.

And then the unthinkable happened.

I didn't freak out. Me, the freaker outer of all freaker outers, didn't freak out. I freak out all day long over the stupidest shit and I didn't freak out over real shit. Not even a little bit.

I am not a religious person by nature but some God from some religion came to my rescue and instilled a peace unlike any I've seen. It's just not like me to maintain such composure when all hell breaks lose at dinner time.

But then I surprise myself sometimes because I know what my kids need every once in a while. Miss Naughty was mortified that she had done such a thing. She has never gone poop out of her diaper before so today was a new experience all together and to top it all off she stepped in a big old heaping pile of it. That couldn't have been pleasant. I was the gentle mama who lovingly wiped the shit off her feet, legs, and bum and then moved onto the rest of the house. And I didn't once get angry or disgusted by my daughter's accident. I could tell by the look of relief on her face that she needed that from me more than ever.

So today I am patting myself on the back. I think that takes incredible patience. Patience I don't always have, but today I did.

Go me.

Grrr.....before coffee (mine that is)!

The mysterious looking substance on her face is tooth paste. It's not the first time she has done this. Something tells me it isn't the last.

It is always applied in the same fashion.

A new trend maybe?

Cafe Mama

Me: It's amazing that I can make milk, isn't it?

Him: Yeah, it really is something.

Me: I am cool.

Him: Too bad you don't make iced tea. That shouldn't be so hard, not like milk. You could have something different in each one.

Me: I would be so pissed if I had to provide the beverages for the entire family.

I'm too excited to sleep!!

My mind goes crazy at bed time and especially when am anticipating something. Next week I am going home for a visit and I'm really geared up for a taste of Maine. I miss it so much.

I miss the people there more.

It's so hard doing this sacrifice thing. I want to be closer to my friends and family so bad it makes my heart hurt. My dear friend hit the nail on the head in describing her need for home. It's an emergency that we are so far away. Once a Maniac always a Maniac I guess. It's true what the say, home is where the heart is. And while I am sure that my home is where my beloved and DD's are, a piece of me will always reside in Maine.

I'm scattered really. The county, Bangor, MDI, Gouldsboro. Each place represents a part of my life and I plan to revisit each one as long as the memory still breaths. I could say the same for other places I've lived but it wouldn't hold the same meaning. None hold that feeling of urgency for me that Maine does.

Something about crossing that thresh hold between New Hampshire and Maine. A relief blows over me along with the salty air and I am where I want to be. I take in every moment, every smell, every starry night and try to brand it into my memory because I know it will be a long winter before I see it, taste it, smell it again.

I may or may not get to move home in a year. I may end up living farther away. I hate the thought of it but what was the point of all this sacrifice if we don't take the opportunity where it presents itself. I may end up missing, cherishing and branding for the rest of my life.

If it happens that way I'll just have to live with the emergency. But at least I'll never have the misfortune of taking it all for granted.

I'm too hard on myself.

One of my bigger problems and I know that I'm not alone, is beating myself up about the way I look. Meaning I still have a bunch of weight to lose from this pregnancy. Hell, who am I kidding, from the pregnancy before this pregnancy if I'm being completely honest.

After Emily I shed a fair amount of weight but the last 10-15 lbs lingered and lingered and lingered. Then I found out that I was pregnant with A and started the process all over again. I gained a little less weight with A but still ended up the with the same number at the end of it all. Funny thing is, with all three of my pregnancies I finished at about the same weight. It's the magic number for me to make strong healthy babies I guess. But each one, the overall gain was different. And the end of each one the over all initial loss was different as well.

Can you already see that I put way too much time into thinking about this?

I hate this part of the child bearing process. Loath it really. I don't like to obsess, I don't like to buy new clothes to get me through transition and I don't like that nursing makes it harder to shed the post baby bulge I have around my mid section.

But I will keep nursing because I love it. I love the closeness I feel with A and it really is the easiest way to feed my daughter. Very cost effective, saves tons of time, the health benefits we both get because of it but most of all the comfort and security it gives to her.

I don't blame the nursing entirely. I have a sweet tooth. Better yet, all my teeth like sweets. And my tongue, too for that matter. Tongue is a weird word, isn't it? Just noticed that. Say it a bunch of times and it will start to sound strange. Like helmet. Weird.

But I digress.

I want to quit eating cake, really I do, but it won't let me. Ice cream, too. It's not enough that they have each other. They want me to share in the glorious combination. I tell them three is a crowd but I lose every time. And not in the way I'm hoping either.

So I'm working out. A lot. Well I'm working out a medium. In hopes that I will become a medium. Walking/running/lifting/squatting...whatever I can do to enhance my physique and shed the fat. It's not the number that gets me as much as it is the rolls.

And then I say, hold on a second, I LOVE ROLLS!! With butter. And then the cycle continues.

Seriously though, I need to chill. How long has it been since I gave birth? For the second time in less than two years? I need to cut myself some slack along with that slice of cake and enjoy my excuse to have a little extra jiggle to my wiggle.

Besides, J say's he likes a little extra cushion if you know what I mean.

It is hard giving myself that break though. Unless of course it comes with a side of ice cream. That makes it a whole lot better.

My Daughter!

This kid challenges me with every interaction, every single morsel of time we spend together. Her latest is taking her clothes off. And then her diaper. One would think, hmmm....is she telling me something? Does she want to potty train? The answer to that obvious question is a big fat NO!! She just wants to piss all over the house. She hasn't taken a poopy diaper off yet, THANK HEAVEN for small miracles but I know that it is going to happen sooner or later. Now we are keeping underwear on over her diaper because it keeps the diaper on when she's feeling particularly lazy.

She's a moody little nugget too. For instance, this morning I was nursing baby on the couch when she wailed from her bedroom to announce that she had woken up. I had O (young girl I babysit) go and grab her from her room since I have to gate her to keep her in there for bedtime and keep her from prowling at night. She came whining to the living room and threw her blanket at me and shoved her face in her hands to cry in protest that her mother was busy with the *gasp* other baby. The end of the world as she knows it. She often gets angry at me nursing A or holding her and will just walk up and slap her upside the head to let her know she's invading her territory. Such a tyrant that one.

She is cutting her eye teeth right now and that makes her a bit crankier than usual if that is even possible. It makes her night sleeping unbearable as well. I've been letting her cry this past week because her father has allowed a nasty habit of waking up for three or four hours at NIGHT get out of control. She's getting better but it's hard to let her cry. And I have to do double duty with A and E because she will refuse to get back in bed for her father and that kind of argument and test of wills just isn't something any of us wants to deal with at 2 am. So I do it. At least A only gets up once around 4 am and I just plop her in bed with me to nurse and sleep until we get up. It's frequent that she sleeps right through but right now she's hitting her three month growth spurt a little early and wants to nurse a bit more. I enjoy the cuddles to be honest and listening to her tiny breath as she sleeps. It's adorable. Oh and the little sighs? I love those.

Back to the bad kid. How funny is it when you get this little challenge and your heart grows bigger and bigger every day. You are frustrated but amused with their independence. I am so thankful to have her as my daughter. I am growing in big ways with this one. She teaches me of patience and how it will grow when life calls for it. She teaches me of endurance and just how much we can take and even when we feel like our well is dry there is always another drop to squeeze out. She teaches me to love when the limits are being pushed. And she teaches me that life is about curiosity and learning and getting all you can out of it.

And most importantly, how each and every single moment is a gift.

Sometimes you're given a gift...

and it's quickly taken away.

It's been a few weeks since it happened but my sister lost her baby. It was a shock to find out she had a miracle coming her way, but the more time went by, the more she wanted to see what the future had in store for her family. Unfortunately it wasn't what she had hoped.

She is doing okay but of course she is sad. Something happens to you when you find out your family is growing. You start picturing your life with someone else in it and when that changes suddenly, I can only imagine the sadness that follows. Planned or not, she wanted this baby. We all did.

I hate it when gifts are taken away.

It ain't all bad.

It really isn't. I feel crappy a lot. I have bad hours in most every single day here lately. It has loads to do with hormones and a little to do with draining children and a laid back hubby who needs to relax and not worry about getting his doctorate sometimes. Who can I really fault for those things? It is merely reality. I just need some kid glove treatment and there just isn't the time or resources available for that to happen.

But I do have to share with you a very special piece of joy that came into my life just over two months ago. TWO MONTHS AGO?! Can you believe my wee girl is two months old already? Oh people she is scrumptious. Cute beyond words with her chunky thighs and her tiny little belly button. The only one of my girls with an innie and I find it so adorable and sweet I could eat a scoop of ice cream right out of it.

She is heaven in a onsie. Really. So quiet and sleepy ALL DAY AND NIGHT!!! WOOT WOOT!! When she is awake she is always happy to see my face and gives me the sweetest smiles that are reserved only for the one who holds the key to her heart. ME! She is just starting to give up her 2 am feeding. Can I tell you how awesome that feels? She doesn't skip every night and her schedule does seem to be changing a bit as her bed time is finally starting to establish. That has her waking a bit more at night but she goes back to sleep easily and is really quick about her business. I'm at least getting 3 or 4 hour stretches twice a night. I haven't had that consistently for a long time.

Then there is E. My tantrum throwing, teeth cutting, mud slinging screecher with her hand always cocked and ready to bitch slap your ass should you need it. Or even if you don't. OH MY WORD she is difficult. Naughty, naughty, naughty. But then you look at her mischievous smile, curls dangling in her face while listening to her babbles and non-sense and you trip over yourself trying to get a hug and kiss from her. I am going to have to work hard at teaching this child manners and reminding her of boundaries.

My eldest princess is ever the light of joy that she's always been with a hint of pain in the ass. What kid doesn't push their parent's buttons every now and again? She's growing up so fast and becoming a little lady more and more every day. She had her first pedicure this summer at Mimi's house. She's going to be a girly girl that one. She will be starting 3rd grade in just about a month. It feels like last week I put her hair in braids for her first day of kindergarten.

J is looking for JOBS!! We have a year left here but it is never too soon to sniff around, fine tune the resume and get a picture in mind of where he wants to go. I am praying for Maine. I want to go home. Not home home but rather a different version of it. I want the comfort of being in Maine and the independence of a three hour drive to separate me from the riff raff. There's a lot of it where I grew up. And they are all related to me.

Rambling.

I'm feeling rather lost lately. I am getting a handle on the newborn/three kid juggle but I'm still lost. I get this way when it's time to go home. Or maybe I just am this way. I don't know really. I find it more noticeable when I am ready for the long haul up to Maine because I'm aware of how sensitive I am to the loneliness I am overwhelmed with at times here in NY. I almost dread seeing friends and family because I have to turn around and go home. The visit is never long enough nor is it short enough because let's face it, packing three kids, husband and dog isn't easy. It all falls on my shoulders and I get really tired and stressed by the end of it. Vacation is far more work than I want or need it to be.

Another thing that is really chaffing my ass lately is the in-laws inferring constantly that S has suddenly had to take the hard road at home. Poor S, she probably never gets time blah blah blah blah. Like giving her sisters, friends for life, has somehow damaged her childhood and made life unbearable. It bothers me that we are still having this conversation two years later. It bothers me that my MIL won't spend too much time building bonds with her other two grand-daughters because of what S might think or feel. So of course she feeds off this because the notion hasn't been guarded from her. She knows what they think and feel and plays them all like a quiet melody. They don't even know she's manipulating every single moment of their time, innocently mind you, but manipulating none the less. She's 8. She's a kid. Kids do that. And everyone gasps at her neediness and her reluctance to leave. Like she wasn't the same exact way before all this baby business even began. Give me a break.

Can I just talk about one more thing I have been yearning to address? Call me selfish if you must, but I am drowning. Drowning over in the sidelines by myself and there isn't a hand in sight to pull me out. At least one that I don't have to fight for. I mentioned the loneliness here earlier. Let me just say that it is downright crippling me right now. I am at the bottom of the list of things to take care of, not just my own list but everyone's list. I don't believe that I should be first or even that I mind being last, I just hate that all the gas has run out when my turn comes. I expect a certain amount of neglect with small kids at home and I give my man props all the time for his dedication to family and all that. I just feel that every morsel I get I have to beg the kids for and seize every opportunity to exploit alone time. I'd settle for anything as long as I didn't have to compete with tv or some other distraction.

I know a lot of my issues are exaggerated because I think I'm dealing with some post-partum issues and I know that in time I will feel a little more comfortable in my own skin and more like myself. I just haven't felt that way in a long, looooong time. Over two years. I often wonder how I'm going to make it through these times and I just tell myself one day. One day you will get there and only one day at a time. It's unimaginable what a date might actually feel like. Or going to the movies. Or chewing my food. Or sleeping. Or fitting into my old jeans.

Just so we're clear. I love my babies and my husband and my life. I will get through all this because of that love. But sometimes you lose yourself and it's hard to get it back because demands are many. I'm slowly feeling my way around and will manage to find a happy medium. Eventually I will be able to go for more than one or two days without feeling hopelessly helpless. I'll let you know when that happens.

What I call payback.

When I found out I was pregnant with Baby A I was taken by surprise. Everyone was. I had just had a baby 9 months prior and while that isn't uncommon it wasn't something I thought would happen. There were chuckles shared and "don't worry" said more times than I can count. We all agreed it would be a positive thing and that in 2 or 3 years. YEARS. My life would resume some sort of normalcy.

My big sister, acting the smart ass that she is, asked several times throughout my pregnancy if I had gotten my period yet. Even right down to the last day or two before A's birth she would ask. She found my predicament rather amusing I guess. I told her what goes around comes around and to be careful. There was that one time she made fun of me for having a cold sore on my nose and soon after she had a breakout so bad her whole mouth was covered.

What goes around comes around.

And that it does. So......I'm going to call her like I always do and once or twice a month for the next, oh say, 9 months I'm going to ask her if by any chance she has gotten her period yet.

What goes around comes around.

I held it together.

But it wasn't easy. I'm still dealing with sleep issues and will for a while I imagine. At least in the infant department. It's so tempting to just transition her over to formula and take a huge responsibility off my shoulders. Bf'ing isn't all roses and rainbows all day. But then I would miss out on the special moments and also giving her the best of the best. So I continue because I know it will get easier and because I know six months will have passed and my contribution will start to be less and less as time goes on and all will be right with the world. It has already been nearly two months. What's a few more?

The company did exactly as I thought. They entered through the front door, parked their asses on the couch and just sort of annoyed me for 36 hours or so. The mess was as expected but I buffered that with a big shopping spree for me and Abby on Saturday. I needed new clothes to get through the frumpy stage that I'm in right now. I've lost 30ish lbs of my 35ish I gained during pregnancy but you know how that goes. It's all a little squishier than it was before. I was very kind to myself and it felt good to do that since it happens so rarely.

I didn't kill anyone or even swear at them with a crazed look upon my face. It wasn't easy either. They both sat down at my table Friday night with an empty setting in front of them and I just sort of looked at them both like they had lost their fucking minds. They got the hint to get up and fix their own dinner plates rather quickly.

Bish, plz. I have better things to do.

Seriously.

The woman of their house complains continuously about the lack of appreciation at her house and all I can say to that is.....YOU CREATED YOUR OWN MONSTERS. Woman has three boys and a husband. She isn't doing the world any favors catering to their lazy asses either. I feel for their future slaves wives.

I know I'll survive this phase. I remember it well with Emily. You muddle through, drag your feet, swear at your husband and eat more sweets than little debbie. It's just so hard when you're knee deep. So I vent here because it's better than saying it out loud. Go figure, announcing to the world on the internets is easier than calling my sister and bitching for an hour. All I can say is that once in a while a good world wide declaration is just what a postpartum mum needs to make her feel better.

Even my dreams are crazy.

I am in a nightmarish sleep deprivation phase with both my little girls right now. E is cutting her last couple of teeth and has stayed true to form and woken up at 3 am for the past few days. A is hitting her gassy phase and I've been busy soothing and calming her for hours on end in the evenings and through the night. I have maybe slept 15 or so hours all week long.

Last night I had a dream that E somehow managed to hop on a 10 speed (I know, I'm fucking crazy) and was gliding down a hill fast as hell and about to crash into whatever was at the bottom. I ran so fast to get her but couldn't reach her no matter how hard I tried. Finally someone coming in the opposite direction grabbed her after I pleaded for his help and stopped her just in time. Meanwhile I'm hearing A's cries and I can't remember where I put her. I'm searching and searching and searching to no avail. There are women around me running through the house trying to help me find her. All of them were looking at me disapprovingly for losing my baby. When I do find her she is under a blanket in her crib and her nose has turned black. I remember feeling like she was just that close to death, hence the black nose.

When J arrives it's as if it were any other normal day and I'm retelling the peril that hit our house, yet again, today. His distance is astounding, blank and empty. There is nothing there. No empathy, no concern. Just a blank stare with little conversation. I'm standing next to him in the kitchen hoping that her nose turns pink by morning.

I can only take this dream one way. I feel completely out of control right now and disconnected from J. I know it is temporary and normal for women to feel helpless in the post baby stages, especially when you are going on little to no sleep. It just shook me a bit and was hard to come back from. Probably because I was in bed and midnight and up at 3, 4, and 5 am. After that I dozed on the couch off and on until the day demanded my attention.

J's father and teenage brother are coming for a visit to see the kids and supposedly help out. I anticipate a huge mess, me doing all the work and a major freak out by Sunday. If I don't hit the booze tonight it will be amazing. I'm am not in a good place and he has no business coming here without his wife to help me manage their bull shit.

Can you tell I'm not happy about this?

Anyway, before I get myself into a deeper hole I'll shut up. Thinking about it makes me cry and I can only deal with one minute at a time. Projecting only makes it worse. But I effing swear, if they don't pile that big load of wood on my front lawn I will not let them hold the baby. No fucking way.

Worth celebrating.

It's quite a milestone we've reached here at Hagarman House. I'm proud to say, whilst knocking on wood, that E is sleeping through the night. This past month has been glorious. She has slept so well and I do believe that we have finally gotten over the hurdle.

To say that it has been a difficult 19 months is an understatement when it comes to her sleeping habits. The kid just wouldn't sleep regularly. We would have a few good nights followed by 10 bad and sometimes very, very, very bad. We would trade off and take shifts and slowly roll out of bed to a dreaded two or three hour hiatus at 1 am. There wasn't much choice, it was get up or listen to three hours of crying. Not joking.

So we are happy and still very gingerly knocking on some wood because we're afraid to claim victory in case defeat rears its ugly face at us in protest. Now all we have to do is get Baby A to sleep and we're in business.

We'll see about that one.

Happy Father's Day

To my wonderful guy.

The one who was made to raise daughters.

The one who puts all his girls before himself.

He's just that sweet, he's just that tender, he's just that selfless.

He's just the greatest father I know.

I'm voting REPUBLICAN!!

YESIREE BOB!!

And then there were three....

Three little souls in desperate need of care, guidance, teaching, loving and nurturing. I only have two arms. It wasn't easy before, now I can't even imagine a week or a month from now because everything is moment to moment. A plan is pointless for now and I am finding myself dreaming of 3 years from now because I feel like the next few I'm committed.

The living moment to moment isn't necessarily a horrible thing. I do believe it's something I've needed to work on and still do since I am doing so much of the dreaming. Forget tomorrow, we're dealing with today. Tomorrow, after all, is always tomorrow and I need to focus and make the most of what I have right now. Regret is such a wasteful emotion. Why let it make an appearance in the first place. Coulda, shoulda, woulda sort of thing.

I tell myself all the time that their childhood is such a small part of their lives. Their babyhood even smaller. So enjoy the neediness, constant noise and the invading of every part of my existence. They belong to me. I made them. I need to enjoy them before they don't need me quite so much. Of course by then, it will be me needing them.

One thing's for sure.....

Baby loves to sleep.

And she has tiny little feet.

And have I mentioned that she sleeps a lot?

Because she does. She sleeps practically all day and all night with the exception of a few wakey wake times and a few feeding times and a diaper change here and there. It's apparent that the mere thought of crying tires the poor baby out. So she just sleeps like this instead.

One thing I have noticed is my love for my other baby. Because E is still very much a baby to me. I can't seem to get enough of her toothy grin and her devilish smirks as she peels the skin off all my onions and throws her toys in the garbage. Maybe it is because I feel better every day and not being pregnant is such a blessing. I can fit her on my lap again and snuggle her on the couch and watch Elmo 500 times if that is her heart's desire....I just love this baby so much, and even though Miss Abby is my darling little newborn, Miss Emily has stolen my heart and I don't want to miss out on a single moment of her toddler days. This is the cream of their babyhood, the part where they entertain you for hours and hours by simple things like giggling, spinning in circles and falling down, kicking a ball....all the things that they are capable of and are more than happy to prove. So.....I am relieved that Baby sleeps and sleeps and sleeps because I'm getting to spend some quality days with my other baby, who still needs her mama very much and her mama needs her, too!