It ain't all bad.

It really isn't. I feel crappy a lot. I have bad hours in most every single day here lately. It has loads to do with hormones and a little to do with draining children and a laid back hubby who needs to relax and not worry about getting his doctorate sometimes. Who can I really fault for those things? It is merely reality. I just need some kid glove treatment and there just isn't the time or resources available for that to happen.

But I do have to share with you a very special piece of joy that came into my life just over two months ago. TWO MONTHS AGO?! Can you believe my wee girl is two months old already? Oh people she is scrumptious. Cute beyond words with her chunky thighs and her tiny little belly button. The only one of my girls with an innie and I find it so adorable and sweet I could eat a scoop of ice cream right out of it.

She is heaven in a onsie. Really. So quiet and sleepy ALL DAY AND NIGHT!!! WOOT WOOT!! When she is awake she is always happy to see my face and gives me the sweetest smiles that are reserved only for the one who holds the key to her heart. ME! She is just starting to give up her 2 am feeding. Can I tell you how awesome that feels? She doesn't skip every night and her schedule does seem to be changing a bit as her bed time is finally starting to establish. That has her waking a bit more at night but she goes back to sleep easily and is really quick about her business. I'm at least getting 3 or 4 hour stretches twice a night. I haven't had that consistently for a long time.

Then there is E. My tantrum throwing, teeth cutting, mud slinging screecher with her hand always cocked and ready to bitch slap your ass should you need it. Or even if you don't. OH MY WORD she is difficult. Naughty, naughty, naughty. But then you look at her mischievous smile, curls dangling in her face while listening to her babbles and non-sense and you trip over yourself trying to get a hug and kiss from her. I am going to have to work hard at teaching this child manners and reminding her of boundaries.

My eldest princess is ever the light of joy that she's always been with a hint of pain in the ass. What kid doesn't push their parent's buttons every now and again? She's growing up so fast and becoming a little lady more and more every day. She had her first pedicure this summer at Mimi's house. She's going to be a girly girl that one. She will be starting 3rd grade in just about a month. It feels like last week I put her hair in braids for her first day of kindergarten.

J is looking for JOBS!! We have a year left here but it is never too soon to sniff around, fine tune the resume and get a picture in mind of where he wants to go. I am praying for Maine. I want to go home. Not home home but rather a different version of it. I want the comfort of being in Maine and the independence of a three hour drive to separate me from the riff raff. There's a lot of it where I grew up. And they are all related to me.

Rambling.

I'm feeling rather lost lately. I am getting a handle on the newborn/three kid juggle but I'm still lost. I get this way when it's time to go home. Or maybe I just am this way. I don't know really. I find it more noticeable when I am ready for the long haul up to Maine because I'm aware of how sensitive I am to the loneliness I am overwhelmed with at times here in NY. I almost dread seeing friends and family because I have to turn around and go home. The visit is never long enough nor is it short enough because let's face it, packing three kids, husband and dog isn't easy. It all falls on my shoulders and I get really tired and stressed by the end of it. Vacation is far more work than I want or need it to be.

Another thing that is really chaffing my ass lately is the in-laws inferring constantly that S has suddenly had to take the hard road at home. Poor S, she probably never gets time blah blah blah blah. Like giving her sisters, friends for life, has somehow damaged her childhood and made life unbearable. It bothers me that we are still having this conversation two years later. It bothers me that my MIL won't spend too much time building bonds with her other two grand-daughters because of what S might think or feel. So of course she feeds off this because the notion hasn't been guarded from her. She knows what they think and feel and plays them all like a quiet melody. They don't even know she's manipulating every single moment of their time, innocently mind you, but manipulating none the less. She's 8. She's a kid. Kids do that. And everyone gasps at her neediness and her reluctance to leave. Like she wasn't the same exact way before all this baby business even began. Give me a break.

Can I just talk about one more thing I have been yearning to address? Call me selfish if you must, but I am drowning. Drowning over in the sidelines by myself and there isn't a hand in sight to pull me out. At least one that I don't have to fight for. I mentioned the loneliness here earlier. Let me just say that it is downright crippling me right now. I am at the bottom of the list of things to take care of, not just my own list but everyone's list. I don't believe that I should be first or even that I mind being last, I just hate that all the gas has run out when my turn comes. I expect a certain amount of neglect with small kids at home and I give my man props all the time for his dedication to family and all that. I just feel that every morsel I get I have to beg the kids for and seize every opportunity to exploit alone time. I'd settle for anything as long as I didn't have to compete with tv or some other distraction.

I know a lot of my issues are exaggerated because I think I'm dealing with some post-partum issues and I know that in time I will feel a little more comfortable in my own skin and more like myself. I just haven't felt that way in a long, looooong time. Over two years. I often wonder how I'm going to make it through these times and I just tell myself one day. One day you will get there and only one day at a time. It's unimaginable what a date might actually feel like. Or going to the movies. Or chewing my food. Or sleeping. Or fitting into my old jeans.

Just so we're clear. I love my babies and my husband and my life. I will get through all this because of that love. But sometimes you lose yourself and it's hard to get it back because demands are many. I'm slowly feeling my way around and will manage to find a happy medium. Eventually I will be able to go for more than one or two days without feeling hopelessly helpless. I'll let you know when that happens.

What I call payback.

When I found out I was pregnant with Baby A I was taken by surprise. Everyone was. I had just had a baby 9 months prior and while that isn't uncommon it wasn't something I thought would happen. There were chuckles shared and "don't worry" said more times than I can count. We all agreed it would be a positive thing and that in 2 or 3 years. YEARS. My life would resume some sort of normalcy.

My big sister, acting the smart ass that she is, asked several times throughout my pregnancy if I had gotten my period yet. Even right down to the last day or two before A's birth she would ask. She found my predicament rather amusing I guess. I told her what goes around comes around and to be careful. There was that one time she made fun of me for having a cold sore on my nose and soon after she had a breakout so bad her whole mouth was covered.

What goes around comes around.

And that it does. So......I'm going to call her like I always do and once or twice a month for the next, oh say, 9 months I'm going to ask her if by any chance she has gotten her period yet.

What goes around comes around.

I held it together.

But it wasn't easy. I'm still dealing with sleep issues and will for a while I imagine. At least in the infant department. It's so tempting to just transition her over to formula and take a huge responsibility off my shoulders. Bf'ing isn't all roses and rainbows all day. But then I would miss out on the special moments and also giving her the best of the best. So I continue because I know it will get easier and because I know six months will have passed and my contribution will start to be less and less as time goes on and all will be right with the world. It has already been nearly two months. What's a few more?

The company did exactly as I thought. They entered through the front door, parked their asses on the couch and just sort of annoyed me for 36 hours or so. The mess was as expected but I buffered that with a big shopping spree for me and Abby on Saturday. I needed new clothes to get through the frumpy stage that I'm in right now. I've lost 30ish lbs of my 35ish I gained during pregnancy but you know how that goes. It's all a little squishier than it was before. I was very kind to myself and it felt good to do that since it happens so rarely.

I didn't kill anyone or even swear at them with a crazed look upon my face. It wasn't easy either. They both sat down at my table Friday night with an empty setting in front of them and I just sort of looked at them both like they had lost their fucking minds. They got the hint to get up and fix their own dinner plates rather quickly.

Bish, plz. I have better things to do.

Seriously.

The woman of their house complains continuously about the lack of appreciation at her house and all I can say to that is.....YOU CREATED YOUR OWN MONSTERS. Woman has three boys and a husband. She isn't doing the world any favors catering to their lazy asses either. I feel for their future slaves wives.

I know I'll survive this phase. I remember it well with Emily. You muddle through, drag your feet, swear at your husband and eat more sweets than little debbie. It's just so hard when you're knee deep. So I vent here because it's better than saying it out loud. Go figure, announcing to the world on the internets is easier than calling my sister and bitching for an hour. All I can say is that once in a while a good world wide declaration is just what a postpartum mum needs to make her feel better.

Even my dreams are crazy.

I am in a nightmarish sleep deprivation phase with both my little girls right now. E is cutting her last couple of teeth and has stayed true to form and woken up at 3 am for the past few days. A is hitting her gassy phase and I've been busy soothing and calming her for hours on end in the evenings and through the night. I have maybe slept 15 or so hours all week long.

Last night I had a dream that E somehow managed to hop on a 10 speed (I know, I'm fucking crazy) and was gliding down a hill fast as hell and about to crash into whatever was at the bottom. I ran so fast to get her but couldn't reach her no matter how hard I tried. Finally someone coming in the opposite direction grabbed her after I pleaded for his help and stopped her just in time. Meanwhile I'm hearing A's cries and I can't remember where I put her. I'm searching and searching and searching to no avail. There are women around me running through the house trying to help me find her. All of them were looking at me disapprovingly for losing my baby. When I do find her she is under a blanket in her crib and her nose has turned black. I remember feeling like she was just that close to death, hence the black nose.

When J arrives it's as if it were any other normal day and I'm retelling the peril that hit our house, yet again, today. His distance is astounding, blank and empty. There is nothing there. No empathy, no concern. Just a blank stare with little conversation. I'm standing next to him in the kitchen hoping that her nose turns pink by morning.

I can only take this dream one way. I feel completely out of control right now and disconnected from J. I know it is temporary and normal for women to feel helpless in the post baby stages, especially when you are going on little to no sleep. It just shook me a bit and was hard to come back from. Probably because I was in bed and midnight and up at 3, 4, and 5 am. After that I dozed on the couch off and on until the day demanded my attention.

J's father and teenage brother are coming for a visit to see the kids and supposedly help out. I anticipate a huge mess, me doing all the work and a major freak out by Sunday. If I don't hit the booze tonight it will be amazing. I'm am not in a good place and he has no business coming here without his wife to help me manage their bull shit.

Can you tell I'm not happy about this?

Anyway, before I get myself into a deeper hole I'll shut up. Thinking about it makes me cry and I can only deal with one minute at a time. Projecting only makes it worse. But I effing swear, if they don't pile that big load of wood on my front lawn I will not let them hold the baby. No fucking way.

Worth celebrating.

It's quite a milestone we've reached here at Hagarman House. I'm proud to say, whilst knocking on wood, that E is sleeping through the night. This past month has been glorious. She has slept so well and I do believe that we have finally gotten over the hurdle.

To say that it has been a difficult 19 months is an understatement when it comes to her sleeping habits. The kid just wouldn't sleep regularly. We would have a few good nights followed by 10 bad and sometimes very, very, very bad. We would trade off and take shifts and slowly roll out of bed to a dreaded two or three hour hiatus at 1 am. There wasn't much choice, it was get up or listen to three hours of crying. Not joking.

So we are happy and still very gingerly knocking on some wood because we're afraid to claim victory in case defeat rears its ugly face at us in protest. Now all we have to do is get Baby A to sleep and we're in business.

We'll see about that one.

Happy Father's Day

To my wonderful guy.

The one who was made to raise daughters.

The one who puts all his girls before himself.

He's just that sweet, he's just that tender, he's just that selfless.

He's just the greatest father I know.

I'm voting REPUBLICAN!!

YESIREE BOB!!

And then there were three....

Three little souls in desperate need of care, guidance, teaching, loving and nurturing. I only have two arms. It wasn't easy before, now I can't even imagine a week or a month from now because everything is moment to moment. A plan is pointless for now and I am finding myself dreaming of 3 years from now because I feel like the next few I'm committed.

The living moment to moment isn't necessarily a horrible thing. I do believe it's something I've needed to work on and still do since I am doing so much of the dreaming. Forget tomorrow, we're dealing with today. Tomorrow, after all, is always tomorrow and I need to focus and make the most of what I have right now. Regret is such a wasteful emotion. Why let it make an appearance in the first place. Coulda, shoulda, woulda sort of thing.

I tell myself all the time that their childhood is such a small part of their lives. Their babyhood even smaller. So enjoy the neediness, constant noise and the invading of every part of my existence. They belong to me. I made them. I need to enjoy them before they don't need me quite so much. Of course by then, it will be me needing them.

One thing's for sure.....

Baby loves to sleep.

And she has tiny little feet.

And have I mentioned that she sleeps a lot?

Because she does. She sleeps practically all day and all night with the exception of a few wakey wake times and a few feeding times and a diaper change here and there. It's apparent that the mere thought of crying tires the poor baby out. So she just sleeps like this instead.

One thing I have noticed is my love for my other baby. Because E is still very much a baby to me. I can't seem to get enough of her toothy grin and her devilish smirks as she peels the skin off all my onions and throws her toys in the garbage. Maybe it is because I feel better every day and not being pregnant is such a blessing. I can fit her on my lap again and snuggle her on the couch and watch Elmo 500 times if that is her heart's desire....I just love this baby so much, and even though Miss Abby is my darling little newborn, Miss Emily has stolen my heart and I don't want to miss out on a single moment of her toddler days. This is the cream of their babyhood, the part where they entertain you for hours and hours by simple things like giggling, spinning in circles and falling down, kicking a ball....all the things that they are capable of and are more than happy to prove. So.....I am relieved that Baby sleeps and sleeps and sleeps because I'm getting to spend some quality days with my other baby, who still needs her mama very much and her mama needs her, too!

So.....

I had this baby...

She's cuddly and cute, squishy and oh so sweet. She weighed 9 lbs at birth and was 20.5 inches long. Her name is Abigail Elizabeth and we love her very much.

Nesting

Anyone who's ever had a baby knows what I mean when I say "nesting". And as I start the last day of my pregnancy with my last child (God willing) I feel like I need to do it ALL. Lots of preparations have been made. All my little socks are folded and all the tiny pajamas are ready to be puked on.....again. But the house feels unready. It isn't even 9:00 am yet and I've gotten S ready for school, stripped bedding and started washing, cleaned breakfast dishes, started the dishwasher, switched E's dresser to a hand me down that S was using (she got a brand new one) and will shortly put baby clothes in E's old one. There are other things I've puttered with I'm sure and have many more chores ahead of me today.

Wanna know a secret? I have no business doing all this because I feel like crap. I have a headache and I'm nauseous. My belly is killing my back and I should pack my bag and get ready for tomorrow and leave the housework for the people who are going to be destroying all my efforts over the weekend anyway. I still have to babysit this afternoon which on a good day wears me out. So yeah, I should be sitting with my feet up watching Barney with E but my nesting urges won't let me. I can't help it that I can sit down. My mind just won't let me.

I will sit down tonight. I will definitely sit down tomorrow and the rest of the weekend I'll be moving pretty darn slow. At least I'll be able to nap knowing that my house is clean for a bit and maybe it will still be half way clean when I get home. J is staying home next week and I will just delegate, delegate, delegate. It's all I should do since I have one week to recover before I'm knee deep in newborn/toddler hell.

Can you say Calgon?

P.S. Concerning those last belly pics to ensure my giant self is in fact, giant, will be posted...maybe tonight, maybe with A's announcement. But I'll show you.....just prepare yourself for amazement. Who knew someone as short as me could hammer out such HUGE babies. The jury is still out on A's size but I can tell you she ain't little. That is for damn sure.

When Hell freezes over.

That's what I thought 1 year ago when my wee toddler was a wee baby about the idea of having more children. Two was it for me and I was not prepared or willing to go through another pregnancy. I had shut the mind ovaries down.

Now if only my real ovaries had listened to the mind ones and my husband didn't need so much hot sex. But not really because now that I'm here. Now that I'm about the give birth to my third child I wouldn't take back the outcome for a million. Or even mega millions. Once they're part of you they're part of you and I feel connected to her in a very real and tangible way. I love her more than anything sans my other two babies and I've yet to lay my baby blues upon her own and touch her silky soft skin. Not too mention who wants to give up all that hot sex?

It's Tuesday. DID YOU HEAR ME? I said IT'S TUESDAY. And she's coming ON FRIDAY!!!! I am overjoyed at the thought of meeting Baby A and I'm scared to death at adding another child to my already busy day. But she's worth it and E will adjust or run away and S will fall in love, even more so with this baby girl but not more than if that makes any sense. She's just that much older now. You know, that touch of time that brings them from child to girl. She's my girl now. My loving, nurturing, protective young lady who will be more help that I could have thought possible. Which is great because for a little while I'm going to need her. Like put her on some sort of pay roll kind of need her.

Well I know this is a rather abrupt cut off and I really would like to stay and chat with ya'll but I have some sleeping to do. E was up for three hours last night and guess who joined her? Yeah....I'm so ready for this baby because basically I haven't slept much in two years anyway. Might as well make it another two. Then I'm sleeping for a decade. And J will just have to deal.

FRIDAY!!!!

It's official.

Single digits, bitches. Single digits.

Now what do I do?

I know, I know....

Only two weeks and a couple of days to go until I will no longer be pregnant. Not just not pregnant but never pregnant again.
It seems so close but I gotta be honest, as easy as this pregnancy has seemed to me...it's still pregnant and I still look like a gigantic sumo wrestler and am peeing every 15 minutes. I am tired of my inflated state and I'm ready to meet my new baby. My butt is large and my cankles are getting tired. Someone please put me to bed and wake me on the 16th. K?

Let the countdown BEGIN BITCHES!!

In 24 days I will deliver via c-section baby girl #3. Make that 23.5 days.

That is less that four weeks away.

It has been confirmed that said baby will be a Taurus, which I am very happy about considering the little spit fire I was last blessed with. Phew, mucho reliefo.

We have also nearly completed all those dreaded renovations I was anticipating and will have a couple weeks left to get our room baby ready. I have a little shopping, a little washing, a little freaking out and a little eating left to do and I'll be a mother of THREE!!!

I'm pretty excited for this to be over. The weeks always seem to slowly creep by but the end result gets here so fast you hardly had time to get used to the idea of another kid. Especially after you've already had one or two. I've been so wrapped up in E's tiny little world that I've hardly had time to mentally prepare for Baby A's grand entrance. Of course I've fantasized and thought longingly about meeting her for the first time and feeling that surge of love burst through every part of me, but to truly grasp the reality of life that is about to change my own as I know it can only come with a severed umbilical cord.

I can hardly wait to meet you, little girl. I'm sure you'll take my breath away just like your two older sisters. I hope I have enough of me to go around but I'm not going to worry. You will feel more love than you could imagine and all will be right with the world when you get here.

See you in 24...excuse me, 23.5 days. WOOT!!!!

Frustrations of another kind

As you know, my mother is battling throat cancer. It's been a long, arduous battle with little to no real break or remission. What a scary scenario you're faced with as you age, the prospect of death and what it means to those you leave behind as well as yourself.

What they say is true. There really are no guarantees in life and everything comes with a price. The years she spent fighting the scale and the pills she took to help her along, the drinking, the all weekend long partying, the smoking. The smoking. When you look at her habits in her 20's, 30's and some of her 40's one has to wonder what took so long for her to fall ill. And yet someone else who lives exactly the same lifestyle would continue doing so well into their adult lives and never suffer as much as a persistent cough. Funny how it all works. The goose is picked and the chase to freedom begins.

She's enduring another round of radiation this month. This will be her 2nd time. A different kind of treatment, a more advanced and current method that helps save other "healthy" parts of her from being damaged without need. This is after she had a permanent hole cut in her throat, her voice box yanked and a two month stay in the hospital. And we're not even counting the surgeries prior to these. She's barely had time to fully recover and yet another attack has been planned. The prognosis looks good since this radiation is "precautionary". Whatever that means. One has to wonder, though, with all the times we've heard "this ought to cover it", if this will really be the last jaunt up victory mountain. Will it be a battle won or has she suffered all this for naught?

She doesn't sound the same, she doesn't look the same and her life will undoubtedly never be the same. Will my children be afraid of her? I'm scared at the thought of the rejections from them because we aren't close enough and they have never been around her enough to know her and build a bond except for S. I would hate to see the look on her face if that happens.

I hate what has happened to her. It isn't fair for us to lose our father at such a young age and now be faced with our mother's mortality as well. I feel like I've been waiting for the wrong mother to die. Just as I come to a place of peace with the end of my grandmother's life (I see her as my mother since she raised me from infancy) I am now living with the fear that my birth mother will be gone as well.

It sounds funny to say "waiting" for your mother to die and I certainly haven't been watching the years go by while the haunting thought plagued my mind. It is just that the mother that raised me was always old and feeble in my mind. She was always in pain with rheumatoid arthritis and just seemed closer to death most of my life than the mothers of my peers. I'm not looking for my birth mother to give up and fade away all that quickly either but one can't help but feel the last straw could be right around the corner. You just can't be too sure or too confident when it comes to cancer. It has fooled many people and ripped the carpet out from underneath the healthiest and youngest alike.

So we wait for her to recover and gain some sort of life back. I sit and listen to her husband's bleeding heart because of the hardships the cancer has caused and it is frustrating because I want so badly to take it away, to push rewind and give her a different deck of cards. Nothing I can say or do takes away the depression that envelopes you as you go through such a life changing event. I have no way of relating on a real level and I can't pull either one of them out of the trenches to safer ground.

I try to stay positive and hope for renewal in their lives. I pray for a flood to come and wash away the last 4 years of their trials and let the sun shine on their faces once again without worry. I pray that my babies know their grandma and aren't frightened by the way she sounds. I pray that we all get more time with our mother, but most of all I pray that she gets more time feeling happy. It has been far too long.

Because you can never be too careful...

I mean, it can be dangerous up here by the window.


The ledge is barely large enough for my own bum.


And the books!! Don't even get me started.

Harder than I thought.

This pregnancy thing with a one year old? I had forgotten how much work small children were. I am constantly drained and in pain from head to toe. I'm having my doubts about the next 7 weeks. I am not sure how I'm going to manage serious pregoness along with hell on robeez.

A big problem I'm having is the baby gate dilemma. I can no longer hurdle these anymore, not really. And I don't have the energy to chase away tiny fingers from the water cooler and doggie food. The food I have since moved but the water is a larger obstacle that I can't really remedy. She will either learn or I will die.

Another problem is the constant work surrounding a house with 4 people, a dog, a cat, and two children who come here 5 days a week for child care. The clutter is never ending. The laundry piles are growing faster than I can wash them. The floors are a constant battle. I know that is every mother's problem and I'm certainly not alone, but DAMN!! I'm tired of dealing with the dirt, the hair, the wood debris from the stove, the spilled juice, the play dough, the crackers, the half eaten baby carrots or what ever else, the dust, the tooth paste in the sink, the dirty tubs and messy rooms. I wanna sit down and bawl some days because I simply can not function in the way this family needs me to right now. My ambition, my energy just aren't at their normal mommy levels. Basic hygiene (on my own part) is neglected because that means I won't get a nap while E is asleep. But I need to take a shower at least twice a week, right?

My hormones are going CARAAAAZY!! I'm in that phase of the pregnancy where everything is a HUGE deal and I can't deal with anything not going according to plan. Chaos sends me over the edge and that is everywhere I look. I am in the thick of dealing with an unruly toddler/baby that won't talk and would rather be set on fire than listen to her mother. I'm convinced I'm incapable of teaching her to obey or sleep.

I know I'll make it through to the end. Is there any other choice? Am I the first person to have a difficult one year old while pregnant? Of course not. I will make it one day at a time, sometimes one nap and sometimes one minute. It just seems, at times, that I'm about to overflow with frustration and collapse in a pile of mush onto the living room carpet.

Hmmm...can't sleep.

I have a lot on my mind I guess. Seems like there is so much to do and a whole lot of hurry up and wait. It can be so difficult to sit back and live each moment as it comes at times. There isn't any one particular thing on my mind per say, just a jumble of the future.

The baby.

The move.

The job.

E growing up too fast.

S getting through her awkward years.

How the hell I'm going to pass that level of Super Mario 2 on S's game boy.

What to make for dinner tomorrow.

Where is this Easter Bunny guy and why isn't he hiding the eggs for me?

You know, all the important things one thinks about when they should be SLEEPING!!

It's anybody's guess what position the pillows need to be in for me to fall fast asleep comfortably. I've also had to pee twice in the past half hour and that doesn't help. Baby A is awake (which isn't normal for her) and we're playing tag. Or she may have a case of hiccups and I have imagined that she is playing with me. Not sure.

Oh...I saw the cutest darned puppy at the mall today. She was one of the Prince Charles Spaniels or whatever the hell you call them. Anyway, she was the cutest little thing and we made best friends quite swiftly through her glass window. I named her Princess. She's not happy they are keeping her from me. I thought you would want to know about that.

Thursday was a tough day. First thing in the morning we had a minor accident in our home with E and a travel mug of coffee. It wasn't mine. I don't travel. But it doesn't matter who's it was, what mattered was that she somehow managed to get her grubby little hands on it in the 4 seconds we weren't in the room with her and she spilled it on her shoulder. I have prayed and thanked God many times since then that it was a travel mug and it had a cover. Otherwise that could have turned out to be a lot worse than what it was. Turned out to be 4 tiny little burns on her left shoulder with blisters and everything. Talk about scary. Walking around a corner and seeing coffee everywhere and your child pulling at her clothes and screaming bloody murder. Needless to say I freaked. J stayed home from work that day and went to the pediatrician's office with me to be sure that she wasn't burned more severely than we had thought. She's fine. Her burns are healing so fast and I'm so happy that she is okay.

I have to add that in the heat of the moment I never once placed blame upon anyone. I am very proud of myself for that because even though I know that I know that I know it wasn't intentional or something that happened due to carelessness I wanted to yell. Loudly. And I didn't.

The rest of the week has gone rather smoothly. I'm moving a little slower and those damned baby gates are winning the battle but I'm hanging in there. This time around doesn't seem as tough but I still have the toughest two months ahead of me. Remind me again what happened? I look at my growing belly in disbelief sometimes and can't quite grasp three kids much less three girls. But whatever will be will be I guess. I'm in it for the long haul with that snoring jerk face that is sleeping in my bed so I guess three girls it is.