Second Time Around.

Cancer. What an ugly disease. Cigarettes. What an ugly tool we use to induce such an ugly disease upon ourselves. I'm guilty of using that tool; not for cancerous cell growth, but for other reasons I have yet to figure out.

I started when I was 15 I think. I smoked for half my life. I just turned 30. I just quit smoking. Well, I say just. I quit last year right before my 29th birthday. I read books, I paced floors while chanting victorious verses, I reminded myself regularly why I was quitting. How proud I was. Until I allowed myself a puff here and there. One weekend I vividly remember being left alone to my own demise. The hubby and S. went to visit family. I stayed behind to get some me time. I drank beer, called a bunch of people and smoked cigs. Eventually, I would purchase a pack for Saturday night beer fests by the campfire in the back yard. I had to sneak because I couldn't disappoint the husband with my failed attempt that was so successful (5 months to be exact!!). Anyway, to make a long story short.....I ended up starting again. Why? I don't know, well I do know. It's an addiction. With the new baby on the way, I decided to give it a go again and now have 1 month smoke free and no desire to return.

Getting to my point. Second time around. My bio Mom was diagnosed 1 1/2 years ago with cancer of the larynx. She smoked for at least 30 years. At least. She was lucky that her cancer was located in the one area. She had radiation for 6 weeks after surgery to remove the cancerous tumor. What an ordeal. Negative thirty pounds, a huge burn on her entire neck that has left a permanent scar later and she was thought to be in the clear. She went to her monthly appointments to ensure that she was in fact, cancer free. The thrity pounds quickly returned and doubled due to a new thyroid problem due to the radiation. Her voice still hasn't returned to it's natural state even though she quit smoking over a year ago. This past February, they found cancer again, in the same spot. Believed to have survived the radiation therapy.

Lucky for her, she has what is called a slow moving cancer. She has a great prognosis and hopefully will walk away with minimal damages. Today she is on her way to Halifax (she lives in Canada) and will talk to a new Dr. for the second time. Tomorrow she is sceduled for laser surgery, that hopefully, will remove this cancer for good. They have done this 50 times successfully and his word was this will finish it for her. She will not have cancer there again. There. The thing with cancer is this, once you have it one place, you are more succeptable to having it in other areas. The fact that she smoked for so long makes it more likely that she could develop cancer in other areas of her body. The location that worries me the most. Her lungs. She can survive without a larynx. Would it suck? Yeah, but will she survive? More likely than not. Lungs, we need those.

Anyway. That is what I'm thinking about today. I had a dream last night that she died. This is the first dream I've ever had about her dying. It scared me, a lot. My sisters need her, my brother needs her, our children need her and lately, I've finally begun to believe that I need her.

SO.......I say a little prayer that she is safe, her surgery goes as expected, and we get to keep our Mother/Grammy for a long, long time to come.