I'm not really so full of myself.

If I don't constantly remind myself that I'm a good person and deserving of good things in life I will be too busy convincing myself that everyone hates me and that I am as awful on the inside as I am ugly on the outside. It's uncomfortable to read that last post of affirmation. I take every little negative aspect of life personally and that day I was convincing myself that despite the lack of love some have for me, others are motivated and inspired by the person that I am.

I've lost a couple of friends this year. One friend was someone that I thought would be a friend forever. Our connection was a smash hit right from the very first encounter. The other was an old friend who really wasn't a friend at all. The relationship was keeping me stuck in the mud, a dead weight and a major distraction in my life so I closed that door myself, but the other door was shut in my face abruptly and nailed shut.

Ouch.

I know that leaving one relationship by the wayside was by far the best thing I've done for myself in a long time and since then, I have had more focus and happiness than I have had in YEARS! The other unfriending I saw coming a mile away but I'm still hurt by it. What have I done that could be so awful to warrant such a dumping. What was so deplorable that it couldn't have been talked through. But I guess that was the major difference between her and myself. I am capable of seeing human failings for just that, human failings. I make dumb choices all the time and even though I mean well, I don't always treat people exactly as they deserve in a moment of stress or anxiety and end up apologizing on a regular basis. But I'm getting better and trying harder than ever. I guess maybe that is why I'm such a tolerate person and will often sit silently through blatant disrespect before I will speak up for myself and say what is on my heart. I need to be liked that badly I guess.

Anyway, I am a tolerant woman and when I love you, I love you and there isn't much you could do that would make me want to nail our friendship to a cross. But that's just me.

Sometimes your light is too bright.

Not every one is going to buy what you're selling, but that's okay. In this process of helping others become fit and healthy, I imagine that there are people who can't handle the awesome that you're giving out. It has nothing to do with your awesome, and everything to do with the way they feel about themselves.

I have made people want to vomit a little in their mouth with the gifts I possess. It's hard for some to look at a positive light and see the good in it because they would rather focus on negativity and being unhappy. I don't wish to reside on that side of the fence anymore but it has come at a price at times. I am a sensitive and insecure in my weaker moments, but I'm growing. I'm starting to realize that happiness and being fruitful is a state of mind and has a lot to do with where your focus is.

I am in the middle of a life transformation and learning to let my light shine bright despite the bad that is out there in the world. Despite the jealousy and hatred that comes from people who do not wish to reach for something good.

For every one person that likes the darkness, there are a dozen who want to benefit from what you have to offer. That's not even considering the cloud that resides above your head when you choose to partake in that negativity. I promise to myself to stop trying to change the haters and put my hard work and effort into being something positive and helpful to the people who want to be supported and loved. It will come back to me in spades. If I give up on my dreams of helping others, they win. And I lose.

To hell with that philosophy. I'm so much happier in the winner's circle.

So much happier.

Up and at 'em!

How annoying to be woken up at 2:45 am by your brother who has found himself in jail once again. I sassed him and told him he was a dink for calling me in the middle of the night. What couldn't wait for the morning? Nothing. He just needed to be validated that he was still a good person even though he continuously makes poor decisions for himself. It's everyone's fault but his own. At one point, well, the last time he was in jail, I tried to reach out to him and be honest. I told him to get help and to better himself while he had the chance to do it, and had the chance to think. Within months of being released from jail he was up to his same old tricks and trades. All he ever does is make excuses and lie. It's sad and it makes it hard on all of us worrying if he's going to be okay. Just another alcoholic who won't face up to their problems in my family. How many we up to now?

I feel bad that he's having such a hard time kicking addiction. It doesn't have to be alcohol, it can be any substance that takes away the misery that is his reality. The pain he refuses to deal with. I wrote about this before. He's struggled, that's been taken into consideration by everyone. Haven't we all? I have climbed tough mountains in my day, only to reign queen on high once more several times. That's at least 40 times more than I care to think about. I struggle all the time with guilt from past mistakes and sadness from what was lost and cannot be restored. I struggle with substance abuse and keeping myself clear so I can make good choices. What other choice do we have but to learn from our mistakes and live in a better direction.

I love you Mike but now is the time. GET HELP!!

So he's back in jail and will stay there I imagine. He broke his probation this past December after going through a year's worth of unnoticed bad behavior. It's caught up with him because he can only run for so long.

I'll be so happy and relieved, as will we ALL when he stops running and faces his problems head on. He's a good person and deserves good things like anyone else. Just choose a better life Michael. We're all waiting for you.

So here I am at 5:20 am. It's almost time for my alarm and I was tired of spinning my wheels so I thought I'd share the latest crazy thoughts.

In other news, I have not called my aunt all week and I have not heard from her. I guess that would mean that mom is still waiting for her light. I feel guilty not to be more present in that situation but it's so difficult to face. I am not turning a blind eye, she's on my mind daily but I can't live in constant grief, I don't think she'd want me to.

I am going to have a long ass day. I'm yawning like crazy but of course can't shut my mind off. I made coffee and I hope that helps. I have a 5 mile hike planned for my friend and I this morning to start her day off right. It's her birthday!! I am looking forward to making it a good one.

Have a good day my friends. Chat again later.

Okay, so maybe it's time to grow up.

The past two weekends have been rather nice without the effects of the boozing I like to do on Friday or Saturday evenings. Don't get me wrong, I am not piss drunk and crazy. I like a nice evening out with friends, the hubby, or at home with some adult beverages. It just takes the sting out of the week. But the world seems a lot clearer without a hangover or the hankering for a drink to make me feel better. So maybe I'm growing up.

Other things could be contributing to this newly found inner peace. I dropped a Zumba class that was draining both my gas fund and my energy on Fridays. That was the best thing I've done in ages. Normally, I would suffer through something that was unpleasant until I cracked at the seems and broke a bridge or two. Is this another sign I'm growing up? WTF!!! I combined my ZumbAtomic (kids classes) groups also. Now we have just one class for 4-12 years of age and family members. Last Saturday was great, a nice mix of adults and kids dancing and having fun. I can see that growing with time and a little TLC. I'm excited about it again. I wasn't before.

I started a running group to help other people train for our local 5k in May. We had our first run together yesterday. It is nice to have a group of ladies support each other in this fitness world. It's not easy doing it alone. I am helping another girl on Monday nights as well. I want as much diversity as I can get these days, and if that means helping others without getting paid, that is okay because I think of it as 1.) good karma, and 2.) different workouts for myself, and 3.) more training and experience helping people with their fitness. So win, win all around and sometimes you just do things to help people because it's the right thing to do.

My husband purchased a new bike for my birthday present last month. I love it so much I'm not even upset that I got a flat the first time I took her out for a spin. I really enjoy it so much more than I thought I would. I'm starting another group for women who bike.

Why the hell not? I'm just trying to fill my life with good and then maybe I won't have time to get depressed.

Speaking of depressed. Last week was hard in terms of my mother. The more I talk to my aunt, the harder it is. She would love for us all to feel the stress and hurt she's going through as much as possible. She loves patting herself on the back and giving herself recognition. I tell her thank you all the time but I think she'd rather I take a full page add in USA Today or some fucking thing. I usually find myself crying throughout the day after I've talked to her. The guilt trips she takes you on are what's most difficult to deal with. I try to put it in terms of how MY mother would feel. The woman that I know and kept close with through my entire life would not want me to leave my husband and three young kids to rush to her side and watch her die. I need to keep that in my mind and nothing else. It's about her, not Diane. Mother's life is ending, not Diane's, although you would think it was both. She complains constantly about all she's sacrificed. Sacrifice....she knows little about. Sacrifice is putting everyone before yourself and not asking for anything in return. My mother is the one who sacrificed her whole life for others. Diane just wants us all to be at her mercy and control. She has written mom's obituary and won't even let me look at it. She has complete power of attorney over mom and won't let any of us have an opinion about it. It's all bullshit. Control freak.

Alright. I'll stop bitching now.



I miss my mom all the time. All the time.

It's just that time of year.

The time when I crawl into a hole and try to get through 28 days of hell, this year it was 29. February is one mean bitch and kicks my ass every year. It's no coincidence that I celebrate Valentine's Day, wedding anniversary, and my birthday all within those four short (loooooooong) weeks. It kinda sucks to have it all piled on top of the other and usually I'd say that I get the big old jiparooni but when I think hard about it...what would happen to me otherwise. The cake, the flowers, the cards, the presents....probably keep me from the funny farm. When I am independently wealthy, I am heading to Jamaica for February hell.

So you're wondering if my mom passed away, right? She is still hanging on by a thread, almost as if her suffering has to be drawn out so her family is okay with her heading into the Great Beyond. And we are all ready for her to be over the suffering and the pointless existence of her death bed. I just want her to be free. I could cry a river for myself but that isn't what this is about. Finally, at long last, I am at peace with losing my mother. My selfish ego, who refuses to quiet down is shouting otherwise but I'm trying not to feel pity for myself because it isn't productive or even fair to have that emotion given all that she's suffered and endured through her entire life.

I am grateful to her for loving me and keeping me safe even though she was my grandmother, not my mother. For raising me and clothing me and keeping me warm at night. I love her more than any other person on this earth sans my own children. Through that love, my grieving will be about saying good bye and letting go, not wishing for the outcome to be different. I take comfort knowing that I'll be able to talk to her when she's gone. She'll really hear me and know that I learned a lot from her. That all I ever wanted to do was make her proud of me, not to show off or be some sort of fancy pants that I often felt she thought I was doing when I tried to buy her a gift, or cook her a meal. I just wanted her to know that although I was not perfect or everything she would have liked me to be, I had paid attention to her and when I try to curb my less desirable habits, I try to be more like her in many ways. I'll never have the strength and incredible generosity that she had. She never complains even though she is always in considerable amounts of pain. She always gave even though she wasn't by any means wealthy enough to do so. I am forever in her debt.

I never know where I'm going when I write you know. I don't have a plan, or a structure, rhyme or reason. I just barf it all out on blogspot for the world to read if they choose. And I am terrified that someone I know will read it, except for a very select few people whom I trust with these incredibly vulnerable moments. It's okay for them to look in my window because I don't care what their going to think because I know they won't mock me and I wouldn't do it to them. And I love them for that.

So it's March now and I feel pretty happy this week. I'm coming out of my winter fog and it feels great. I've had a really productive couple of weeks which has been great for me. I needed to lift myself up in the worst way. I don't know where the shift came from but I have secret ideas, ideas I won't write about because my daughter now knows I have a blog and I'm terrified that she'll read it and find out her mother is crazy.

Speaking of, I have never considered her learning about things I have lived through and why I might be the person I am, some of which I've written in here. Let's hope I bore the living shit out of her before she searches too far into the archives.

Let's hope.

I'll try to get back here soon. I'm sorry for the long pause. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't. I appreciate that you come back though, considering it's such a bunch of crappy writing about the most random shit anyone could ever think of writing about. I can't believe anyone would even give it their time in the day but who am I to say what one person relates to. And with that I say.....catch ya later homies.

One Year

I taught my first Zumba class on this very day last year.

One of my students has lost 82 lbs.

Crazy. Amazing. Life-changing.

This job has given me my power back and allowed me to provide for my family in ways I never thought possible and still be able to stay home and take care of my kids on a full time basis. They may know every single lyric to every single Pitbull song but it's all been worth it.

I can't even put into words how good it feels to help people change their lives through Zumba. It's been a wonderful year for all of us.

I bet you're wondering

how my mother is these days. She is still hanging on but fighting less and less every day. She doesn't eat much and won't get out of bed. She just doesn't want to and won't help you one bit. She's tired and I don't blame her. I think it won't be much longer until she lets go of the thread permanently. Until then, we wait and call and wait and call.

The kids are all excited to take a trip. I'm looking forward to hearing about all their fun. Saturday will come fast enough and I'll see everyone. Jamie should be fairly comfortable and his mom should be of good help but I'm sure they'll all find a way to complain about how much work the job I hold down single handed for the majority of each day is. They're much bigger now which will make a major difference. Plus, so far, I have packed incredibly well. He should be sitting pretty with regards to food and snacks and gear. I hope he enjoys himself.

Me? I'm having a couple of girlfriends over for good pizza and good drinks.

:p

Like I promised...

I had a great weekend!!

It began with a suspiciously quiet sleepover, three hours of Zumba and a productive Saturday afternoon. Followed by a great party with girlfriends, food and drinks that did not get out of control. So that means I was home and in bed very sober and adequately tired. Sunday I woke up feeling rested and ready for a good day.

We had a great Sunday lunch of venison roast, mashed potato and green salad. So yummy with a slightly rich indulgence. Venison is great but takes a little getting used to. The roasts are amazing when you cook them for 6-8 hours. Fall off the bone and moist with juices. Friggen amazing.

And as promised, I successfully made a beautiful, and hopefully delicious, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting for Jim's co-workers. I'll get the scoop on flavor once they've all devoured my beautiful creation but something tells me it's going to be amazing. I'm jealous they get to eat it. I did make a second batch of carrot muffins and had left over icing for them. Also damn good and helped numb the pain of making a cake I will not taste. I need to know how good it is dammit.

Emily was down for the count practically all weekend with a fever and sore throat. She is improving so I opted to not take her into the doctor this morning. No fever, but slight sore throat with her cough still. I think she's on the mend. Hopefully the rest of us avoid getting it. I've been nervous about that the last couple days.

I watched Bridesmaids and My Big Fat Greek Wedding in bed this weekend. Jim and I relaxed and kept the house feeling nice and easy. I love weekends like that. It was so nice to be together and veg around like a bunch of lazies. It's really quite special how content we can be together. I love just cuddling and being quiet on a Sunday.

Thursday, Jim is driving the girls to meet his family for a weekend of tubing and skiing. I'm hanging back here and working until Saturday morning, then I'll drive down and spend the last night with them. Jim and I want to hit the hill alone Saturday night if they'll all be willing to help out with the kids. Here's hoping...a nice pre-anniversary date. It's not like we ever get to ask anyone for help with the kids but every other blue moon, I think we deserve it and hope to get some alone time. I have never been skiing before, it would be romantic to have him give me a bunny hill lesson. I wonder how they'll all deal with the mental stress of me not being around for three days to help with my little baby daughters, though. I think they'll be so busy and be having so much fun that when the down time at night begins, they will want to crash and rest up. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that.

Well that's about all I feel like talking about at the moment. I'll check in again this week sometime and ramble on about nothing, I'm sure of it.

Happy Monday people.

Finally Friday

Another week coming to a close. I just have to get through a three hour block of Zumba in the morning and then I can relax for a few days.

I am with a heavy heart today, the lack of sunshine brings me gloominess of the mind along with the dreary days. What's new with that you ask? I am quite the moody creature, I agree. And my body is worn out from all the exercise I'm putting it through. I'd like to take a long afternoon nap but the three little girls squabbling in my living room will not afford an afternoon of rest. Ah well....it's FRIDAY!

Tomorrow night I'm sure I'll be feeling a little higher since I'm invited to a Thirty-One party and a girls evening following. I love time spent with the girlfriends and getting out of my husband's hair. He loves it too I'm sure.

Speaking of....little asshole asked me to make his friend a birthday cake for an office party on Monday. So I guess I'm making a damn cake Sunday. But I love that man and would pretty much do anything he asked me to do. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, 14 years behind us already.

The dog laid a dump right on the rug by the front door this morning. It wasn't discovered until said door was opened and closed a few times. Several shoe and door smears later, I find it through the entire fucking house. Heavy heart? I have a hard time finding the positive in such karmic crap finding it's way to my doorstep. Literally.

Emily made it through half a day of school then vomited.

The awesome just won't quit today.

Sydney's dance is tonight and I'm going to try and stay nice and normal for her two friends who are staying over. Shouldn't be hard since I have to be out of the house at 8:30 am for Zumba and Dear Old Dad will be making the obligatory bacon and eggs. I'm glad that Sydney is a confident and content almost 12 year old girl though, the fact that she loves having friends over means she is happy in her home and her life. THERE!! I found the positive :D

Pat me on the back why don't you.

Have a good weekend. I'm going to.

OMG OMG....

A cleaning genius I am not...but let me tell you who is! Man, that girl can write. If you are here reading this, then you should definitely be reading that! Check her out...all of her musing are hilarious, gut wrenching and easily related to.

Emily is home sick today and I am finally feeling the urge to clean up the homestead for the first time in what feels like forever. I clean it all the time but if you asked me if I felt like doing it, I'd slap you in the face with my swiffer duster.

The babe is starting to feel a little better now but this morning at 6:00 am she was slightly pathetic and adorable. She's prone to vomiting when her tummy's upset and it turns her into the sweetest, most helpless little mite you ever saw. I know this is wrong on all sorts of levels, but I like when she gets a little stomach bug every blue moon or so.

Abigail is loving the company of her big sister and has been almost concerned about her this morning. Awwww...such sweet sisters. It's nice having them together like this again, it happens less and less as they get older. They both were doing school work at the kitchen counter while I scrubbed and bleached my floor this morn and it melted my heart watching them cut, glue and color side by side. Love those babies.

Sydney has a dance tomorrow night and is having a two friend sleep over afterward. She is changing and growing up so fast these days. Her cell phone at the ready, lip gloss in hand, she flips her curly locks and rolls her eyes at my Zumba antics and wouldn't be caught dead in one of my Zumba classes these days. Until her friends decide it's cool again and they all flock to the back row. Ahhhh...pre-teenage anst. Tweendom at it's peak....her 12th birthday is in about 6 weeks. And just like that she's not my baby anymore. She sure is a pretty little thing.

Zumba is rocking these days. I love averaging 20 peeps in class, the energy and the paycheck are so much better when I have a full(er) house. One Thursday night I had 30 people dancing with me. LOVE IT! I can only imagine what it must be like in a huge venue with 60 or 70 women rocking out to Pitbull and hanging on your every move. Such a rush. This was by far the best step I've taken that had nothing to do with my family and everything to do with me. It's been a lifesaver and a blessing. Mad props to Zumba for making this accessible to the average person. It's a lot of work to keep this class current and fun but it's worth it in so many different ways. LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Anyway, that's my Thursday morning thoughts in a nutshell. Catch ya next time.

Yo mama she get Krazy!

What a weekend! My buddy came to visit with her FOUR kids and stayed over two nights with my krazy krew. We had a great visit but man am I tired! Saturday morning I had to teach an adult Zumba class but the second and third classes are ZumbAtomic, which is the kids version of Zumba. No sexy songs, or gyrating hips, just goofy dancing to music they may or may not have heard before. The kids all had a blast and I loved having them in class. The afternoon was as chill as one can get with 8 kids (our 7 plus a stray!). We got a little snow so they were able to bundle up and slide in the back yard for a little while. They left this morning and I was both sad and happy to see them go. It's work entertaining a big crew like that but the company was nice and seeing my bestie was even better.

The man of the house helped me clean up this morning then we all got ready for a trip to the mall and then some Target shopping. Both were great. I treated Sydney and I to manicures and the girls went to a play place that has a drop off option which we LOVE on occasion. The two littles played for an hour while we just did our own thing. LOVE family time like that. We walked around, drank a soda, visited the poor pet shop puppies and other animals and we came home. It was great and a nice way to end the weekend.

No hangovers. Thankful for that - the depression that ensues a big fat binge (there is no sugar coating allowed here) is absolutely crippling for me. I take a week to mentally recover and I don't like feeling like such a douche so yay for fresh weekends that don't involve too much booze. I'm nearly 36 years old for crying out loud. I shouldn't be getting so wasted. Geez.

Anyway - it's a good place that I'm in today. I like feeling content and living in the present without too much projecting. I'm the victim and prisoner of my mind far too much and it's nice to have it feel light for a couple of days.

On a side note, my mom seems to be reviving a little bit. She had my sister, Kim, visiting over the last weekend so she was surely happy to see another familiar face. I wish she wasn't so far away so I could see her all the time. Ah well....can't change it so I guess there's no use in fighting in my mind about it. Accepting shit is good for me....but not always practiced regularly.

Today is a different day.

Mom isn't doing great but there's no more information. We're all in limbo and no one is going to communicate to each other or show any sort of emotion or support. I'm so fucked.

My husband has applied for a job in Presque-Isle, Maine, teaching at the small University there. I get the feeling that my family thinks I'm better off gone from the county. It's like none of them even know me. Weird to want to go back there and to be digging my heals in also thinking it's not the right thing. Who knows.

I had a massage this morning. Man my hips are tight. She worked them really well but I'm starting to get sore from it. Feels good to get the muscles worked a bit, though. I should make a point to do that more often because I had a really relaxing time. Too bad it's so expensive to pamper yourself in such a way. More people should be able to afford such pleasures.

I'm still feeling a tad gloomy. Zumba tonight should help. My job helps me more than the ladies could ever know. I'm looking forward to a good workout and some time with the girls!! I should feel a ton better after work.

Here's hoping.

Anyway. I guess it's a different day, same mood. On a side note, I'm contemplating counseling so I can get out my neurosis. And to help me have better coping skills with the stresses of home life. No one wants to hear what is really going on in there. Not everything. So I need a place to be open with it all and keep afloat.

Good evening, ya'll. I'm about to throw on some tassel pants and get my Salsa on.

Nothing like a whopping hangover....

to make you feel like shit about yourself. Ugh! I over did it Saturday night and paid dearly for it yesterday. I guess I'm not capable of drinking tequila. Oh hell to the no. I'll pass next time, thank you.

I called my Aunt Diane this morning, she's my mother's caregiver and first born daughter. Diane's grandmother (my great grandmother) raised her and so we have that in common. She is caring for my mother, the mother that never raised her and I know at times it's a daunting and emotional task. A bond between a mother and child is so intricate and complicated without adding the giving away part. I can understand that completely. I am so grateful to her and to her husband for caring for my heart with such compassion and love.

She said mother isn't doing well this week. She wants to die and go be with her own parents in the after life and I don't blame her. I ask for her freedom to God all the time. What is the point of keeping her around, she can't really "be" present anymore, she's just waiting. It's incredibly unfair to see someone suffer practically their entire life.

You know I never heard her complain much. She took it all in stride and made the best of her life anyway. She helped her family and tinkered away at living as humbly and honestly as she could - all the while in pain. She had nothing of any value and was happy with that. She loved her kids and did right by all that came her way. She was just that kind of person. A good one. And I can't tell you how much I miss her. It's like an ache that won't go away. I ignore it a lot because what choice do I have? I could cry all day every day or I could go about my day and feel it when I need to. I try not to dwell in a place of grief but at times it engulfs me.

I don't know how I'll make it through losing her. I really don't. I can claim every day that I'm ready for this massive loss in my life. It's not as if I have her now. But I have a feeling it will be monumental and it's going to rock my world to the very core and shake things up tremendously. I just feel it coming like a slow tremor. It's been that way forever it seems. I always lived with the fear of the loss being right around the corner. There would be no grandma for my babies. Not like Jamie's mom is here for our girls. Thank goodness for her and for him. OMG - they're lucky girls to have that constant rock of stability. I'm not so confident in myself at times.

So I'm feeling low and just coming off such a shitty binder has not helped matters at all. I could use a little time on the wagon I think. The pressure these days seems to be getting to be a little worse and drinking only puts an emphasis on all that is wrong in my life. I need the light right now.

What a crappy couple of days.

At least I have about 8 loads of laundry to keep me busy. Ugh.

2012

I called my Mother for her birthday this past December and got the feeling that she was ready for a visit from me. So I asked my husband to drive us down there for New Year's weekend. We could take turns driving and get a hotel with the kids. Breakfast, pool, hot tub, big tv, free wi-fi, new iPad (Jamie's mother spoils him) and all five of us just hanging out and visiting Gram Bertie.

I took a few pictures. We got to visit a total of three times while we were there for the weekend. She remembered me and was in good spirits for each visit. She said my name when I walked in while she was having lunch on Saturday. It was nice to see a surprise on her face. I love and miss her so much.


I feel a lot of quiet emotion when I'm near her. I don't get upset, I just enjoy our time together and try to just pay attention and "be" there with her. I love this picture for so many reasons. Again, words escape in describing what this picture makes me feel.



And also here.


How funny to have the opposite expression in this one. Both of us look happy and present in our moment together. I will cherish these two photos of me with my mother.





Sydney is my only daughter who has a real memory of mom. We lived in Maine for a few years and I visited her with Sydney often. She hasn't seen her much over the last couple of years though I do talk about her around them. Mom gave her a rather extensive collection of glass animal figurines from her beloved Red Rose Tea boxes a few years back. She collected those all through my childhood. I think about all the little things and try to pull memories in as best I can. The little blurbs, private memories we grasp to hold onto. I miss her so much.

And of course we had to have one of these.

This was one of the most important trips of my life. I hope that I get to see mom again before she fly's away but you can't count on tomorrow. None of us can but I have this and I'm so happy that I do. I thanked Jamie over and over because I was so grateful that he helped make the trip happen. He's the greatest best friend ever.

I'd fix all those typos below...

but it makes a lot more sense when you're drunk on Christmas to just let it go. I'm not sloshed....just a little bit on the side of tipsy.

I LOVE NEIL YOUNG!!

On Christmas and Neil Young

Christmas was good. The same story a different year. I'm never really jovial at Christmas. I guess I tend to live on the lonely side of life when there are special times when you should be surrounded by family. I have my kids and I have my man but I can't help but want those that came long before they ever entered the picture. It's been a good just the same. We made it happen by texting and chatting it up with each other practically all day. It's been a good one and although we're all far apart. Now if only the damn kids would finally get to sleep. Ugh!!

I got a little drunk tonight.

Sue me.

And in other news. I love Neil Young. Never really listened closely before. I need to pay more attention.

Merry Christmas, folks. And a Happy New Year!

Oops!

It has become clear to me that my lack of self love in the area of eating well and exercising beyond Zumba has taken it's toll. In February I will celebrate my one year Zumbaversary. Can you believe that I started this business almost a year ago? It's done well and I've concentrated a lot of time into nurturing it. I've had lots of people come, some have stayed, some have not. One of my ladies has lost over 70 lbs and has become licensed to instruct classes herself - which she does on Saturdays with me and our ZumbAtomic class (for kids). But in the middle of this venture I somehow lost sight of my own journey to be better, to challenge myself and set goals that I wanted to reach for me.

This week I have taken the time to run a little bit. A little bit of interval training, a fast two mile run, some weight training and ab work. It feels good to push myself and to expect more. I need to keep doing this or I'll never make it through winter without medication.

**gulp, gulp, gulp***

That was me sipping more water. I'm trying to get back in the habit of a lot of things that I've let slide. This place being one of them. I promise to keep boring the shit out of you as long as you keep needing me.

*gulp*

No wonder I always feel like dog crap

I'm not eating well these days and it's getting to me. My sugar content is much higher than it needs to be and my vegetable count is much, much lower than I am used to. I am normally a salad muncher but nothing is tasting good to me lately. Nothing except for melted cheese, fried crap and sugary treats.

I'm drinking a third of the water I normally drink and I'm feeling crappy as ever.

I need a detox. I think after the holidays are over some serious consideration and effort to revamp my diet and water intake needs to happen. Thank goodness that I exercise like crazy - but even that isn't with the same intensity I had before I became a Zumba instructor. Don't get me wrong, I knock it out in class but an hour of Zumba feels like nothing to me anymore and if I go any harder in class I hurt myself in a non-muscle type way.

Wednesday nights I am taking a total body conditioning class - which I am happy to participate in. My body needs a good ass kicking. I should start doing short runs on my treadmill every morning. Even just 15 minutes of interval training would help kick start my day. I'm having a tough time motivating myself for me anymore. I have to find a better balance.

Okay, game plan... I'll get on the green tea wagon right this minute and try to get my fluids up today. I'll make a salad with fish for lunch, and venison chili with spaghetti squash for dinner. I could also make a more valiant effort to keep away from the snack foods. I think if I could get one day under my belt - maybe pre-cut things so I can just throw salads together for a couple of days I would feel tons better.

No one is going to take care of me except for me - I have to make better choices! No excuses!! (I have a loooong list that I am trying hard not to bore you with)

Okay - water is on. Green tea and 15 minutes on the treadmill. I can do this.

Dammit!

***Update to this morning - I immediately took my ass down stairs and did 15 minutes of interval training on my beloved treadmill (I missed her!) followed by a few strength training exercises. I didn't eat as awesome as I'd hoped but I did drink 3 large mugs of green tea, and will continue on this evening as well as about 30 oz of water. Not nearly the 90 plus oz I was drinking daily but it's a step in the right direction. Venison chili on the stove.....spaghetti squash is getting popped into the microwave soon. Progress...not perfection.

Happy Pieces

I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I make the best damn cookies and I think it's because now I have Jamie's grandmother's old Sunmaid upright mixer. I don't bake anything without it anymore and the mixing is definitely the key to baking moist and delicious. I have Snickerdoodle dough in the fridge waiting to be baked. They're Jamie's favorite, or at least what he requested this Christmas.

This year I had it in me to let Jamie take on a new hobby. How selfish is it of me that I've made him slave to our family aside from his job? It's awful, but I couldn't handle any other scenario for a long time because staying home with our tiny tots was not easy. When we left Maine, Sydney started school. The following winter I was preggers with Emily...then came Abby. It was just too much to stay home for 12 plus hours by myself. But now that I'm working out of the house in the evenings I have a lot more patience and time to give. So he's a hunter now and I'm proud of him. He hasn't gotten any game this year but it doesn't matter. He's doing something he wants to do outside of work and that makes me happy as a clam for him.


Emily is 5 now and in school full time. She flourishes there and is growing by leaps and bounds socially, physically, mentally...all of it. I love seeing this happen and I'm saddened that her babyhood somehow passed my by so quickly. She was/is a tyrant child. I miss the special parts, the cuddles, the soft baby curls, the dresses....but the sleep deprivation damn near killed me so I'm happy we're in a different place.

Abigail is a miracle child. Not in the true sense of the word, she's perfectly healthy and nothing crazy has ever happened that would threaten her existence....but she is a miracle. She is light and fluffy, loving and affectionate, smart and pretty....all of these things and so much more. I am really enjoying my alone time with her and appreciate the gift that she really is to our family.

Sydney is my teacher. I'm learning as I go with her. I was impatient and not a very good parent when she was little. I'm much better doing this the second and third time around. I'm trying to carry my new skills into parenting her as a tween. So far so good....I'm getting better and better as I go but I'm still learning on the job and I hope that she understands that one day. I never hide behind my mistakes or stand proud when I screw it up (or at least that's my goal). I let her know when I'm being unreasonable or immature and she is the most forgiving and loving daughter that any mother could hope for.

Jamie is a great companion in my journey. I chose well the first time. There are no greener pastures, just different ones. I've struggled to learn this over the last decade and a half we have shared together. I have made some pretty bad mistakes in our marriage and continue to have issues that need to be ironed but we mesh well. We are the family that neither of us ever had. One where there was a mum and a dad and love between them. I hope that makes a difference for my kids.

I'm still going strong with Zumba. My fitness journey is taking a back seat since most of my time is spent putting together great routines and teaching classes - 7 per week to be exact. But I'm helping people reach goals and giving women a place to gather, exercise and laugh all in one place. It's really a good thing for this town and the financial benefits have been great for Jamie and I. It's been a blessing beyond what I could have hoped for.

I had to write some good on here. I have an amazing life but I struggle with mild depression and sometimes the light doesn't shine through the dark. But I needed to say it out loud - there's a lot of light here in my world too. A lot of good and a lot of light. Thank you for reading.

Busy Living

I love writing. It feels cathartic to write my worries and even to share my triumphs. But I sound like a broken record and I get sick of listening to myself spew out the same old crap on a different day. Is anyone really that interested that they want to read the ins and outs of my simple complex life?

Yesterday, I read about a woman who lost her life birthing twins. It seems so unfair that this bright star gets snuffed out in the beginning of her journey through motherhood. It was all she ever wanted, to become a mother. All those two tiny beings will ever want is a mother. She's gone. She was loved by many and admired by even more with her music and loving light that she showed the world regardless of her troubles. Why her? Why someone who spreads goodness where ever they go? I don't get it.

As life goes on, I get more and more confused. It is indescribable to me the amazement of it all, the pain of it all. I suppose the one job we have is to live only in the present so we don't waste another minute. We worry, we rehash every mistake made in our lives over and over, define ourselves by them even.

I am lucky enough to still have my ticket with time left on it. I know there's no guarantee in life and I should be more involved in the moment I'm living right now. But where do you start? In this very moment I guess. I have done a lot of good, I've done a lot of bad. Impulsive and remorseful. I'd rather be mindful and grateful. One day at a time.

My family is special. My marriage with Jamie isn't perfect but it's made of something stronger than I sometimes give us credit for. We have ebbs and flows just like a marriage should. But at the end of the day we cleave to each other for support and love. I am safe in his house and I don't want to build another. We were given three daughters to protect and guide through all of the obstacles that childhood presents and we're doing a great job. I put one foot in front of the other like I have it all together but on the inside.....the inside sometimes feels like a whole different world.

I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm living. All I can say is wow. My story isn't clean cut, it has jagged edges and rough surfaces. Is it like that for everyone? Is there such a thing as contentment? And how do you achieve this state of mind? I think maybe I over think it all. Too much, too little. Never just enough.