2012

I called my Mother for her birthday this past December and got the feeling that she was ready for a visit from me. So I asked my husband to drive us down there for New Year's weekend. We could take turns driving and get a hotel with the kids. Breakfast, pool, hot tub, big tv, free wi-fi, new iPad (Jamie's mother spoils him) and all five of us just hanging out and visiting Gram Bertie.

I took a few pictures. We got to visit a total of three times while we were there for the weekend. She remembered me and was in good spirits for each visit. She said my name when I walked in while she was having lunch on Saturday. It was nice to see a surprise on her face. I love and miss her so much.


I feel a lot of quiet emotion when I'm near her. I don't get upset, I just enjoy our time together and try to just pay attention and "be" there with her. I love this picture for so many reasons. Again, words escape in describing what this picture makes me feel.



And also here.


How funny to have the opposite expression in this one. Both of us look happy and present in our moment together. I will cherish these two photos of me with my mother.





Sydney is my only daughter who has a real memory of mom. We lived in Maine for a few years and I visited her with Sydney often. She hasn't seen her much over the last couple of years though I do talk about her around them. Mom gave her a rather extensive collection of glass animal figurines from her beloved Red Rose Tea boxes a few years back. She collected those all through my childhood. I think about all the little things and try to pull memories in as best I can. The little blurbs, private memories we grasp to hold onto. I miss her so much.

And of course we had to have one of these.

This was one of the most important trips of my life. I hope that I get to see mom again before she fly's away but you can't count on tomorrow. None of us can but I have this and I'm so happy that I do. I thanked Jamie over and over because I was so grateful that he helped make the trip happen. He's the greatest best friend ever.

I'd fix all those typos below...

but it makes a lot more sense when you're drunk on Christmas to just let it go. I'm not sloshed....just a little bit on the side of tipsy.

I LOVE NEIL YOUNG!!

On Christmas and Neil Young

Christmas was good. The same story a different year. I'm never really jovial at Christmas. I guess I tend to live on the lonely side of life when there are special times when you should be surrounded by family. I have my kids and I have my man but I can't help but want those that came long before they ever entered the picture. It's been a good just the same. We made it happen by texting and chatting it up with each other practically all day. It's been a good one and although we're all far apart. Now if only the damn kids would finally get to sleep. Ugh!!

I got a little drunk tonight.

Sue me.

And in other news. I love Neil Young. Never really listened closely before. I need to pay more attention.

Merry Christmas, folks. And a Happy New Year!

Oops!

It has become clear to me that my lack of self love in the area of eating well and exercising beyond Zumba has taken it's toll. In February I will celebrate my one year Zumbaversary. Can you believe that I started this business almost a year ago? It's done well and I've concentrated a lot of time into nurturing it. I've had lots of people come, some have stayed, some have not. One of my ladies has lost over 70 lbs and has become licensed to instruct classes herself - which she does on Saturdays with me and our ZumbAtomic class (for kids). But in the middle of this venture I somehow lost sight of my own journey to be better, to challenge myself and set goals that I wanted to reach for me.

This week I have taken the time to run a little bit. A little bit of interval training, a fast two mile run, some weight training and ab work. It feels good to push myself and to expect more. I need to keep doing this or I'll never make it through winter without medication.

**gulp, gulp, gulp***

That was me sipping more water. I'm trying to get back in the habit of a lot of things that I've let slide. This place being one of them. I promise to keep boring the shit out of you as long as you keep needing me.

*gulp*

No wonder I always feel like dog crap

I'm not eating well these days and it's getting to me. My sugar content is much higher than it needs to be and my vegetable count is much, much lower than I am used to. I am normally a salad muncher but nothing is tasting good to me lately. Nothing except for melted cheese, fried crap and sugary treats.

I'm drinking a third of the water I normally drink and I'm feeling crappy as ever.

I need a detox. I think after the holidays are over some serious consideration and effort to revamp my diet and water intake needs to happen. Thank goodness that I exercise like crazy - but even that isn't with the same intensity I had before I became a Zumba instructor. Don't get me wrong, I knock it out in class but an hour of Zumba feels like nothing to me anymore and if I go any harder in class I hurt myself in a non-muscle type way.

Wednesday nights I am taking a total body conditioning class - which I am happy to participate in. My body needs a good ass kicking. I should start doing short runs on my treadmill every morning. Even just 15 minutes of interval training would help kick start my day. I'm having a tough time motivating myself for me anymore. I have to find a better balance.

Okay, game plan... I'll get on the green tea wagon right this minute and try to get my fluids up today. I'll make a salad with fish for lunch, and venison chili with spaghetti squash for dinner. I could also make a more valiant effort to keep away from the snack foods. I think if I could get one day under my belt - maybe pre-cut things so I can just throw salads together for a couple of days I would feel tons better.

No one is going to take care of me except for me - I have to make better choices! No excuses!! (I have a loooong list that I am trying hard not to bore you with)

Okay - water is on. Green tea and 15 minutes on the treadmill. I can do this.

Dammit!

***Update to this morning - I immediately took my ass down stairs and did 15 minutes of interval training on my beloved treadmill (I missed her!) followed by a few strength training exercises. I didn't eat as awesome as I'd hoped but I did drink 3 large mugs of green tea, and will continue on this evening as well as about 30 oz of water. Not nearly the 90 plus oz I was drinking daily but it's a step in the right direction. Venison chili on the stove.....spaghetti squash is getting popped into the microwave soon. Progress...not perfection.

Happy Pieces

I made chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I make the best damn cookies and I think it's because now I have Jamie's grandmother's old Sunmaid upright mixer. I don't bake anything without it anymore and the mixing is definitely the key to baking moist and delicious. I have Snickerdoodle dough in the fridge waiting to be baked. They're Jamie's favorite, or at least what he requested this Christmas.

This year I had it in me to let Jamie take on a new hobby. How selfish is it of me that I've made him slave to our family aside from his job? It's awful, but I couldn't handle any other scenario for a long time because staying home with our tiny tots was not easy. When we left Maine, Sydney started school. The following winter I was preggers with Emily...then came Abby. It was just too much to stay home for 12 plus hours by myself. But now that I'm working out of the house in the evenings I have a lot more patience and time to give. So he's a hunter now and I'm proud of him. He hasn't gotten any game this year but it doesn't matter. He's doing something he wants to do outside of work and that makes me happy as a clam for him.


Emily is 5 now and in school full time. She flourishes there and is growing by leaps and bounds socially, physically, mentally...all of it. I love seeing this happen and I'm saddened that her babyhood somehow passed my by so quickly. She was/is a tyrant child. I miss the special parts, the cuddles, the soft baby curls, the dresses....but the sleep deprivation damn near killed me so I'm happy we're in a different place.

Abigail is a miracle child. Not in the true sense of the word, she's perfectly healthy and nothing crazy has ever happened that would threaten her existence....but she is a miracle. She is light and fluffy, loving and affectionate, smart and pretty....all of these things and so much more. I am really enjoying my alone time with her and appreciate the gift that she really is to our family.

Sydney is my teacher. I'm learning as I go with her. I was impatient and not a very good parent when she was little. I'm much better doing this the second and third time around. I'm trying to carry my new skills into parenting her as a tween. So far so good....I'm getting better and better as I go but I'm still learning on the job and I hope that she understands that one day. I never hide behind my mistakes or stand proud when I screw it up (or at least that's my goal). I let her know when I'm being unreasonable or immature and she is the most forgiving and loving daughter that any mother could hope for.

Jamie is a great companion in my journey. I chose well the first time. There are no greener pastures, just different ones. I've struggled to learn this over the last decade and a half we have shared together. I have made some pretty bad mistakes in our marriage and continue to have issues that need to be ironed but we mesh well. We are the family that neither of us ever had. One where there was a mum and a dad and love between them. I hope that makes a difference for my kids.

I'm still going strong with Zumba. My fitness journey is taking a back seat since most of my time is spent putting together great routines and teaching classes - 7 per week to be exact. But I'm helping people reach goals and giving women a place to gather, exercise and laugh all in one place. It's really a good thing for this town and the financial benefits have been great for Jamie and I. It's been a blessing beyond what I could have hoped for.

I had to write some good on here. I have an amazing life but I struggle with mild depression and sometimes the light doesn't shine through the dark. But I needed to say it out loud - there's a lot of light here in my world too. A lot of good and a lot of light. Thank you for reading.

Busy Living

I love writing. It feels cathartic to write my worries and even to share my triumphs. But I sound like a broken record and I get sick of listening to myself spew out the same old crap on a different day. Is anyone really that interested that they want to read the ins and outs of my simple complex life?

Yesterday, I read about a woman who lost her life birthing twins. It seems so unfair that this bright star gets snuffed out in the beginning of her journey through motherhood. It was all she ever wanted, to become a mother. All those two tiny beings will ever want is a mother. She's gone. She was loved by many and admired by even more with her music and loving light that she showed the world regardless of her troubles. Why her? Why someone who spreads goodness where ever they go? I don't get it.

As life goes on, I get more and more confused. It is indescribable to me the amazement of it all, the pain of it all. I suppose the one job we have is to live only in the present so we don't waste another minute. We worry, we rehash every mistake made in our lives over and over, define ourselves by them even.

I am lucky enough to still have my ticket with time left on it. I know there's no guarantee in life and I should be more involved in the moment I'm living right now. But where do you start? In this very moment I guess. I have done a lot of good, I've done a lot of bad. Impulsive and remorseful. I'd rather be mindful and grateful. One day at a time.

My family is special. My marriage with Jamie isn't perfect but it's made of something stronger than I sometimes give us credit for. We have ebbs and flows just like a marriage should. But at the end of the day we cleave to each other for support and love. I am safe in his house and I don't want to build another. We were given three daughters to protect and guide through all of the obstacles that childhood presents and we're doing a great job. I put one foot in front of the other like I have it all together but on the inside.....the inside sometimes feels like a whole different world.

I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm living. All I can say is wow. My story isn't clean cut, it has jagged edges and rough surfaces. Is it like that for everyone? Is there such a thing as contentment? And how do you achieve this state of mind? I think maybe I over think it all. Too much, too little. Never just enough.

I talked to you today....

but it wasn't the same. Your spirit is gone and you don't remember me well, or anything about my life for that matter. I was afraid for years and years that you would leave me before I was ready. It's true, I'm not ready for you to go, but I'm ready for you to be at peace and out of the constant pain that you spent half your life in. I think that hurts worse to have you on this earth but gone at the same time. What purpose does it serve to have you lying on a couch hurting all the time and wishing it would end. These are the times when I say to myself...."where is this God you all speak of?" And to think someone's life will be taken way too soon on this day that you are hoping to just go home.

I miss you so much. I wish that I still had our weekly talks where you listened to me babble on about this or that. I want to share the little things with you about my every day, the little things my daughters do that make me laugh but I can not. I miss our summer visits. I should have spent more time sitting at your table playing Skip-Bo or Yahtzee. I'm sorry that I didn't.

I've been mad at you for parts of my life, not understanding you in the least because you kept your feelings guarded. Not because you didn't want to share but perhaps felt like it didn't matter what you felt, life wasn't going to change its circumstances just because of feelings. You never complained even though you were hurting most of the days I was with you. The worst memories of your pain was when you had a case of shingles. It was as if your arthritis melted away and another, more intense pain crippled you to your bed. You didn't get out of it for what seemed like forever to a little girl who just wished her mama felt better.

I loved you so much as a girl. You were my security blanket and my hiding place. I never wanted to leave your side, even at night I slept beside you for years and years. It would be nice to go back and peek in a window at the simple life we led at that time. Just you and me and I liked it that way. Just you and me.

I surely love you now as well. I hurt inside, there's such a large chunk of me missing without you in my life. My heart aches like your tired body. I don't know how to make it stop. Maybe time will heal, maybe? I don't think anyone will miss you as much as me.

I love you, Mom.

Random, I know...

But why is it so hard for me to find a place where I can be happy with me. I love and appreciate so many parts to my life. Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough to have all this? Why do I still feel so damn unworthy? Like at any moment it could all come falling down around me and there's nothing I could do to stop it because really...isn't it just too good to be true. For someone like me, I mean. It's painful to speak the truth of what I feel inside. Even if I know that it's not what others perceive to be true about me. A lot of people love me because they see the good but all I ever see is the bad.

It's overwhelming sometimes and it's hard to dig myself out. I'm trying but today seems hard.

PS - side note completely contrary to all the above. i ran my first 5k the other day. i got 3rd place in my age group with a finish time of 25:24. that's probably my best time ever doing any type of non-treadmill running. i was proud of myself for that.

March!

Finally. I'm ready for spring, sprouting bulbs and digging up the wet garden in preparation for planting. I'm going to make a huge strawberry patch this year. It'll be a huge money saver since we can eat a bucket of those delicious things a day. Strawberry jam, strawberry and lemon balm scones....mmmmmmm....they are going to be tasty tasty!

March brings a new month of Zumba and so far it's looking really promising. I'm selling punch cards left and right and my classes are getting fuller each week. Last night we hardly had the room to do the workout without feeling crowded. The ladies are loving it though and really starting to see a difference in their endurance and the weight is starting to DROP! Wahooo!!

I turned 35 last week......ugh...I'm feeling older for sure, and looking it too. But I'm doing my best to take care of myself so that my 40's will be a little easier on me. I'd say that my twenties were a bit rough by looking at my face these days. Oh well, I am who I am and that's all I can be. I'm trying not to sweat it but I can tell you one thing.....I MOISTURIZE LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN!!

It isn't just me...

...who's feeling amazing. Turns out Zumba is giving the moms, wives, sisters, grandmothers and working women of this town something to talk about. They are coming up to me left and right telling me how much they needed this and what a good time they're having.

That trumps any other bonus of this adventure for me. I love how this is giving them a little piece of themselves. If they could, every one of them would Zumba an hour away with me every single night of the week.

That is just amazing!!

I FEEL AMAZING!

Happiness. Is it really just about doing something(s) that you love? Has it been that easy all along and I just held back or couldn't grasp it for whatever reason?

I got my license to instruct Zumba a week ago. This week I taught my first two classes. I was so scared and nervous but it came out of me like I had been doing it for quite some time. I love dancing, it's so intoxicating. Addicting even. I just want to do this all the time and now I have a big class full of women who are loving the same thing and I get to give it to them. If I'm anything in this world, it's a giver of gifts. I get high from gift giving. It feels good to think of someone and love them in the gift you give them. Zumba is like giving a gift times a million. I have all these women just craving something fun to do that helps them fit into their skinny jeans. Then, poof I show up with a dance party and all is right in their world. For that hour I am theirs and they follow me around the dance floor laughing, sweating and LOVING their evening. The smiles on their faces just tickle me pink. I can't wait until my next class on Saturday.

Business as usual...

January is zinging right along for me this year. A big change from the usual winter blues I experience around this time of year. What a difference it makes when you start to fill your life instead of waiting for it to fill itself.

Zumba instructor training is less than a week away and my first official Zumba class will be the following week! I am nervous but I am ready. This month I have scoured the internet for choreography ideas and developed a good set of songs to start with and tons on the back burner waiting for my personal touch. A month ago I was almost terrified to even begin this journey and now I'm moving along; rock steady and totally ready to bring a new form of exercise to the women in my area. I have many ideas on the direction to take my class and I can't wait to get started.

My girls are growing like weeds, too! Emily is attending school 3 days a week now and will begin kindergarten this fall. Abby will be in nursery school 2 or 3 days a week come fall as well. Sydney is a rock star in middle school and has already been named student of the month. It's like I'm dreaming the most fabulous dream. I am able to come out from the trenches and start my own little piece of something but still be here for my kids, which is non-negotiable at this point for me. I want to be here every step of the way throughout their childhood. Our kids need a strong support system and I'm so grateful that we can afford for them to have a mom at home. And 10 years ago I would have told you that you were absolutely crazy if you thought I'd be *that* kind of mother.

The singing hobby is still chugging along. The last year has been a ride for sure. Franki, my singing partner, has been a huge help in helping me discover myself again. She encourages and listens to my ideas and gives them merit. I am grateful to have found such a good friend here after 6 long years. We practice almost weekly and so far we have been invited to sing in one private club for special events and such and hoping to snag another very soon. If we could have one or two weekends a month to perform and have a fun time - that is enough for me. Singing will not bring me lots of dough but it does give me so much more. I can't even believe that all these opportunities have come into my life in the last year. I can't even believe that I feel so happy all the time vs. the miserable, pathetic mess that I was last winter.

I guess I'm off for now....

EXCITEMENT!!!

After much careful thought and consideration, I've decided to take the Zumba Instructor training course. I want to vomit because I'm obviously nervous but I can't sit back and watch from the sidelines any longer or travel 30 minutes to the nearest class. I have had this itch in my head for 6 months because I know there's a demand for it, it's just someone has to offer it.

I live in a town with a small fitness center and as of right now there isn't a single fitness class being held there. The woman that used to instruct has a full time job now and doesn't have time to pursue a license to officially instruct Zumba. She used to do a class similar and called it Danza but it never took off. She didn't have a specific routine, she made it up as she went along. I was lucky to burn 200 calories in the entire 45 minutes. I want more than that from a fitness class and I know there are women here in this town craving something like Zumba to help them reach their fitness goals. Patti's energy during class was great and she definitely has talent and passion, she's just a busy working mom now. I am not.

So as scared as I am to do something new, I'm so tired of thinking about doing something about it. I watch friends of mine launch out on their own with different things and build their own successes. I have watched my own husband, for the past 6 years, work towards his own goals and reach them. I watch and I envy. Envy is such a sad emotion and really not where I want to be. Yesterday, I thought about where that jealousy is coming from and realized that someone's success has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY LACK OF. Ding! I guess I knew that already but when you're stuck knee deep in fear you rationalize your inability to move forward in crazy ways. You make excuses for yourself and make it okay to wait just a little longer.

No one is going to push me over the edge, I have to jump. So I'm jumping. And I'm really nervous but I'm also really happy. My class is on February 4th in Rochester, about three hours away from here! ONE MONTH!! My husband is going with and we are taking the kids to a fun hotel and staying two nights to make a mini winter getaway out of it. And with all the writing off I'll be doing this year with my three businesses - I'll be keeping that receipt!

Anyway, WISH ME LUCK!!

Out straight....

Emily starting a private preschool this year has done me in. It's only two days a week but coupled with family room at the elementary school two days a week, it really fills up my mornings. That and the running challenge as of late. I finished November's without a hitch and managed to trim up a bit so I thought I would keep the momentum going and up the ante some. Instead of 90 in 30 I'm just shooting for 100 miles in December. So far I am 54 miles in and counting, also 5 lbs down! Halfway to my last 10. Which I'm sure I'll gain and lose and gain and lose but that's where I'd like to teeter so I'm okay with that.

Anyway, Christmas is kicking my ass this year, too. I haven't an ounce of Christmas spirit. I am happy for my kids' excitement but I couldn't loathe this holiday more for all it has become and all that it just isn't anymore. I don't like "things", I don't need any new "things" unless you're talking about a new set of boobs that I promise I would take care of and love when the newness has worn off. And since I'm wishing for fixing, if you could just tuck in that cesarean scar just a wee bit....

Yeah, yeah...I know....

Speaking of, have you seen that show Bridalplasty? That's some good reality tv right there.

Not.

Sydney is in the band this year playing saxophone. They played a couple of tunes last night at the holiday concert. They could use a bit more practice. Just sayin'. I had to laugh at all the 5th graders up on stage blowing on their horns and talking to their neighbors. Brings me back for sure.

Emily's holiday concert is tomorrow night, which will be interesting since this is a christian school. I'm looking forward to it because that will also bring me back. I saw many a manger scene in my day. I don't take the kids to a church so this will be a little exposure to religion that they never get, except for Emily at the moment.

Abby is still the most adorable and thoughtful two year old I've yet to meet. I was muttering under my breath while I was vacuuming out the couch about crumbs and damn kids like I do every Monday. As I head down the hall with a handful of dirty clothes she followed behind me and said in the sincerest of two year old voices "I'm so sorry, Mom. It was an accident, okay?". Then she tapped her little hand on my leg to comfort me. I wasn't mad anymore after that. I love her light, I really, really do.

Ever been so tired that you can't settle in for a good night's rest? That's me tonight...I'm hoping that this blogging excursion has done the trick. I'm sorry I don't try harder to care about my writing. I just don't feel like it....but you're here reading so you must want to hear what I have to say. All four of you....

Nosy bastards.

If I don't see you on here before the holiday, Merry F#$KING Christmas and Happy New Year. Arrivederci.

Something worth mentioning!

What a great day I have had today, so much so that I just want to write about it. Make it a memory to look back onto maybe or just saying it out loud makes me appreciate each detail more.

It started out like any other day, alarm clock buzzing my head off. Or actually my body naturally wakes up a few minutes before the alarm but I laze in an out for about 30 minutes. Imagine that? I don't have a lot of those moments so I really enjoy that time to myself.

After that, I wake Sydney up, she hops out of bed every day a little groggy but always in a pleasant mood and happy to tackle the day. Um, thank you? I know she'll be a teenager soon but so far she's a great kid who tests her parents boundaries only so far and is not inclined to really take them to any real limit before she retreats. THANK YOU!!!

Then, I ate my favorite breakfast, english muffin, pb and banana. Soooo yummy and filling. Still no internet to keep me occupied while I eat so I had to enjoy my meal in the living room by the wood stove. Bummer....

Daycare kids arrived, coffee was poured and the morning swing had begun. Still no internet. Guess I'm not logging onto Spark, oh well...moving on. Emily had school this morning so we got ready for that and just hung out until the bus picked the big kids up at 7:45. Then, the girls and I loaded in the van to head to school.

While getting ready I had the bright idea to see if Abby wanted to stay and play at my friend's house this morning while Emily was in school. She said yes! I picked up my friend's daughter for school and dropped Abby off with her little crew. We trade with each other weekly. Sure makes day appointments and treats like a lunch date with Jamie happen a lot easier, it works well for both of us. So...a few gorgeous and well deserved hours all to myself!

I get home, still no internet. Okay, no time wasted there...I'm loving that!

No treadmill running today was my first treat, complete with a new running route to make it interesting. I didn't even bring my shuffle, just me, the cars(they motivate me), and the fresh air. It was great - just a bit over three miles and it felt fantastic! I think I like pre-winter running best, it's chilly, which motivates me to go faster. That cool air glides into my body and I could go on forever and ever and just feel great the whole time. I pushed hard today, it was awesome.

What, no internet?

Then a shower. Uninterrupted, with no one waiting for me, just a hot shower for as long as I wanted. I scrubbed some Wen into my crazy curls and enjoyed the heat after the chilly run. Another perfect 20 mintes, I lingered and just relaxed. It was soo nice.

No internet :)

I had a good hour after left to moisturize and groom a little bit. My fingernails were looking pretty glum and my eyebrows a little furry...I'm loving this extra time today! Pure heaven....well, not the plucking part but now it's done!

The kids are home now from half day of school and they're all playing nicely, some Wii, some dolls, some watching tv lazily in their room. I can't really ask for a better Thursday, tonight I have a sculpt/core/cardio class for an hour with some other strong women and then Grey's Anatomy.

Internet is working beautifully :)

A wonderful threshold to Friday - I'm looking forward to this weekend. Quiet family time with Jamie and the girls. Maybe a babysitter to catch the new Harry Potter flick with Sydney and Jamie. Running - last few days in my challenge. Today marked 78 miles, so that makes four days? I am losing track. Wow!

I leave on Wednesday to see my Mom for three days and I am going sans family. Just me, myself and I and no one to mom, mom, mommy me to death. I can hardly wait to come home to my babies but seeing my mom is going to be special. I want to write something amazing for her, I have ideas, just haven't had the inspiration to sit down just yet. I'm hoping my visit gets the wheels churning.

So a great day, right? And it's only half over. Sheeeyah!

Phew!

I'm on day 24 of 30. Another three mile run lies ahead of me this morning and I'm not loving that. My knee is a little bit sore but I'm doing okay. Last night I hit a Zumba class for something different and Thursday there's a core/sculpting class I attend. Oh, and I joined SparkPeople! A website designed to help you reach your goals, I'm using it for the food tracker mostly and it's been soooo dang helpful. I'm starting to see the last few pounds slowly melt away - this is where I've gotten several times only to get burned out with the intensity of it. I'm focused right now though and may continue this running challenge or do weekly challenges of runs and videos to keep my body guessing. I just have to workout every day for 30 minutes and push myself in that time.

It may sound absurd that I would want to shave off a few more pounds but for me it's really important. I'm not sure exactly why, only that I feel better when my body looks good and I've worked so dang hard for two years it'd be a shame to not push that last bit to get myself in the best shape I've ever been in. The awesomeness that is Spark is that I can eat what I want but there are limitations set. When you don't write down what you're eating it's very easy to get off balance and stuff way more into that hole than you need to. Or at least for me it is. If I have to write it down I'm probably not going to eat it if it's not a nutritious choice. I'll admit I've cheated some but life is for living too. I've got a pretty clear head about what I can enjoy and what I have to set aside and have less often. And also about balance and being happy. I feel happy because I'm in control of my choices and my fitness levels. Happy, not obsessive. There's definitely a difference.

So....72 miles in - the home stretch is here and yet today feels so hard for some reason. I'll be on the treadmill soon and the running will be great, especially afterward. Lately, the running is easier than actually getting started. Funny....
Oh and what's really exciting is that I've shaved 3 MINUTES off my 3 mile run. I was always right around 29-30 minutes because I let myself work only soooo hard. Yesterday, I ran that bastard in 25:28 and it felt amazing and also a little bit painful. :)

On turning four and other things...

Emily! What a great birthday this year has been for her. So many mini celebrations with school and friends, today was her party for one last hoorah! Good bye toddlerhood, hello whatever it is that four year olds are. Because I'll be honest, she's still throwing a considerable amount of tantrums for turning four but I guess we're taking baby steps.

She's not all naughty. I have a sweet, caring and genuine young lady close to my heart and I know that she's going to turn out okay as long as I can keep figuring her out. These days I'm getting better. Today was great for example. She shared her presents with her friends, she gave me a really big hug and told me how happy she was and gave me a heart felt Thank You which in my opinion is pretty tight coming from a new four year old. Those are my moments validating that I'm doing an okay job.

In other news! I've been religiously taking care of my fitness for almost two years but have only really been pushing limits lately. Running is a painful for me to do and all I was doing was jogging and logging. I didn't let myself hurt for very long before I'd ease up the pace where I was comfortable. These days I'm running faster than ever (for me) and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I set a challenge for myself this month to run 3 miles a day for 30 days. At first I toyed with it because it scared me. I tend to fall into things and test the water a few days before I commit to anything. This afternoon I finished my 14th day with 42 miles logged for two weeks of running. I'm still a long way off from the end but I'm taking one day's challenge at a time and not asking anything else of myself. One run at a time will eventually equal the 90 miles after 30 of them.

November already, this year is almost over, a drop in the bucket now. I can't seem to remember any other time in my life where the minutes seem to be racing right along and begging me to keep up. Life is too damn short.

Less than three weeks and I go see mom. Keep this in your happy place in thought land for me if you can. Send me some peace and strength. I'm going to really need it. I have missed her so much but I'm scared. I know it's only a matter of time these days. I know she wants to die now. Once the will is gone, what's left? I know she's lived so many years in pain and suffered a great deal in her life. She say's she just wants to go home and see her Mom and Dad. And she deserves to just rest and never have to take another pill or hurt another minute.

I took a pregnancy test today because I'm over a week late. I've had a tubal but I figure my chances of having that fail - well lets just say I look over my shoulder a lot. It was negative and I am relieved. Neither of us can do that again without a struggle. Three is enough.

So that's it for things tonight. A little scatterbrained but what the hell. Sue me.

I'm mad at you!

For going to work everyday and creating a career without ever really thinking what I'm doing at home to help you get there.

For eating the left overs for lunch and not saying "Thank you".

Because you workout on your own time in a gym with people around you and no one crying for you to wipe their ass or help them with their baby's hat while you suffer through a 3 mile run in the basement.

For not connecting with me when I ask you to and getting mad at me when I tell you gently how neglected I am feeling.

For ignoring my hard work. I don't just work out for me, or for my health. I work out so that you have a woman who likes to take care of herself to hold onto at night, instead you're watching Ultimate Fighter again.

For telling me to eat the cake if I want to eat the cake or that I don't need to work out on Saturday when I've already taken a day off mid week. I need you to hold me accountable sometimes because your support is important to me.

For coming home at 6:30 pm every night to dinner on the table, only to be frustrated and mad with the kids by 7:30 and yelling at everyone.

For being negative about my fitness goals this month. I need you to tell me I can do it, not remind me of the work I have ahead of me.

Would it be so hard to say you're sorry for saying something that hurt my feelings, even when you don't understand why.

Is it too much to ask for you to genuinely give me a bit of gratitude for the amount of work I do to keep this family running? Maybe you could let me know that you realize that I have other goals in life other than just serving you in yours.

Maybe you could tell me that I have done a good job with the house today or that I'm a good mother to our children.

NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME THIS EXCEPT FOR YOU. Everything I do is in your name. All the work, the girls, the house, the bills, the dinners, the hot body? I do all that for YOU!!!

A little appreciation would go a long way.

It's official.

I booked tickets to visit Mom over Thanksgiving. I'm excited for this, it's long overdue. I've never let this much time pass by without visiting her. I love her so much and am so grateful to her for raising me up the way she did. I admire her for who and why she is who she is. I just can't put into words the significance of her presence in my life except for one way.

Mother.

She's my Mother. I love her for everything.