Where do the minutes go?

The next two months are going to fly by for me. Emily's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. After that, 35 year mile marker & 13th wedding anniversary. Half of my thirties are over and can I just say, where the frig did they go? Because I've been feeling like a zombie and in baby mode for a lot of that time.

Emily's 4th birthday. I am so happy to see this milestone arrive and yet each day I look at her and realize how quickly she's grown from a baby to this not a toddler, not yet a kid stage and I get a little pang of sadness. It lasts about a minute and then I start doing the happy dance that EMILY'S GOING TO BE FOUR!!! Fourteen more to go. LOL - Just kidding. She keeps us all on the edge of our seats and we're loving every minute of it. Yeah, every adorable minute.

Just look at her....



Thanksgiving will be particularly busy this year because I'm planning a trip to see my mother in Tennessee. I'm so nervous about this for many reasons. One being away from the kids and leaving Jamie to fend for himself. The second being the worst and that is the potential of this visit with mom being my last real memory of us together. She might even have moments that she doesn't know who I am since dementia is starting to steal her memories through parts of the day. I'm not sure what it'll be like but it certainly isn't going to be easy. I try not to go there in my mind too much because it's like losing her even though she's still here. I can't just stand on the bridge waiting until it's time to cross. It's too painful.

December will be a little bit more lighthearted. I have two small children who are going to freak OUT over Santa and his endless generosity. Okay, so it won't be endless - my check book isn't that big, but we'll have fun. I'll bake, play carols on Pandora and light candles. I look forward to decorating and watching the anticipation build. It's my favorite time of year, children most certainly keep you young if nothing else.

10

I think it's important to throw up a middle finger to the crappy things in life and remember the awesomeness. Here are ten fabulous things in my life that I can not deny are awesome, flaws and all.

In no particular order....

Mail - there isn't a day that goes by that I don't enjoy or love checking the mail and even more now that I have Netflix.

Facebook - I have contemplated deleting my account because it sometimes freaks me out how available and vulnerable I am on there. But there's nothing like feeling connected to people. It means so much to me that I can reach out in one space to family, old friends and people who live far from me. Which is basically everyone I know except my family.

My daughters (I said, NO PARTICULAR ORDER!) Doesn't this just go without saying? I love my kids so much it makes my bones ache. I can't imagine a day without them and when they grow up and wander from my nest life will be a lot less colorful. They make everyday a rainbow. And also a tornado, but remember, this is about the positive in my life :)

Memories - mine are precious and dear to me. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, amazing memories. I just don't care what they are, I need to remember them because they left marks on me and I am woven uniquely and awesomely because of them.

Flannel sheets - it is nearly November in upstate New York. Need I elaborate any further?

Sisters - I grew up in a separate house and still. There are ebbs and flows at times with both of them. Sometimes we grow a little further apart than we'd like but sometimes we're as close as peas in a pod. I love them more now than I have ever in my lifetime and I'm a better person because they love me unconditionally.

Coffee talk - for the coffee and the talk. Girlfriends are a good part of life.

True Blood - this show gives Jamie and I something to watch together. It's raunchy and gross sometimes but intense and fun. We both really like it and it's nice to have something that is just for us that the kids are definitely not allowed to watch.

Pumpkin Bread - I'm kind of addicted to making this bread, so moist and delicious. I love, love, love a little toooo much.

Jamie - can't make a list of good stuff and not include my best friend. It's not always about romance and flowers but it's always about love and commitment. I get mad at him sometimes but he is who I want to spend my forever with.

For what it's worth...

I went to see a psychic medium tonight. Her name is Cindy Newcomb and I have to say that the experience was worth the overpriced admission ticket. The party was held at a friends house and only 12 people were allowed to attend the intimate party.

I went there for entertainment value first and didn't expect anything major to happen; I've been to these types of gatherings before and never really got what I was hoping for but tonight was different. My father, who passed when I was three years old, spoke through her this time. Interestingly enough, and probably the reason why I am writing this at all, he said that he read the things that I wrote about him. At first I didn't really think about this little blog I have wasting away in cyberland and then I remembered!! I have written here and there about him and the impact his death has had on my life right here on this blog! Now she has my attention. She then asked if cardinals meant anything to me and I about fell out of my chair. I see them all the time. I mean all the time, several times a day even. He told her that he sends them to me. She also asked if I sing and that he thought that I should sing more.

It wasn't as intimate as I had hoped and then it hit me. Why would it have been intimate? We don't know each other at all. There was absolutely no relationship there to reminisce, I don't even have a single photograph of him and I together. It was exactly the experience I would have had if he were still alive and we had just met. That made me feel better, he was polite and waited his turn and didn't overwhelm me with stuff that would have made me sad. He said that he watched over my babies and spoke of Emily and how she was a little hard to handle (Cindy used the word tsunami) but that he really liked her and that we need to leave her alone because she is just fine. He thinks she's a cute as a button. Funny they share the same sign. Maybe she's got a little of her grandpa in her, who knows.

All I know is, although my wallet has a little less money in it, I am pretty sure that the moments I shared with my daddy tonight will stick with me for years to come and every time I see a red bird stealing crackers from my girls' picnic table I will smile a little wider knowing that an angel that I never got to meet is watching over me and my girls.