Something in a Sunday

Sunday is an either way day for me. I either feel amazingly close to all my family and friends or the loneliest of lonely. More often than not it's the latter. I think Johnny Cash sang it best... (Kris Kristoffereson wrote the song - man, he wrote some good country tunes, no?)

"On the Sunday morning sidewalk,
Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cos there's something in a Sunday,
Makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothin' short of dyin',
Half as lonesome as the sound,
On the sleepin' city sidewalks:
Sunday mornin' comin' down."

I've had this talk a million times with my sister. About how hard Sundays are for the both of us at times. I was reminded when I saw a FB update of one of my friends. Sunday's seem to be the hardest for her right now too.

When I think long and hard on these sad Sundays, I feel rather grateful in a guilt filled sort of way. What makes me so worthy of a healthy family, a great husband and all the love I could possibly hope for? It's hard accepting that gift sometimes. I'm the kind of person who wants it all for everyone. It's incredibly difficult for me to watch someone go through life with less than what I have and not try and fix it. It's frustrating to me that the rest of the world doesn't feel the same. We should all have equal everything. Why does one person deserve to have riches beyond measure and another struggle just to have a strange bed to sleep in at night?

Now I'm sad again. Something in a Sunday I guess. I wish I could do more for people who need and deserve it. I wish Life were a little more about fair and a little less about luck.

Spring time is the right time!

I love Spring. It's always such a refreshing change to feel the warmth of the sun and see colors come to life. In fact, I had a crocus bloom in my front yard the other day and I knew it wouldn't be long before I could enjoy the outdoors with the girls more often. We are putting up an addition to our swing set we have now that has a slide and a sand box. I hope they like it.

I've got a new development in the friend category. I've been keeping up with the family room at school and I'm finally starting to make some headway with the new friends. There has been more sharing and outside activities to go along with our group play at school. The other day a some of us got together and went for a walk with our kids and we have another scheduled this morning after the girls' gymnastic play session. I've invited another girl to go on my nightly runs because she seemed interested in getting in better shape. So we'll see if that pans out. I really like her company, I tend to be a little eager for her but I know after time passes that she will begin to trust and realize what a loyal friend I am.

So yeah, I'm doing it! It's not easy finding a place in a small town like this. You're always going to be that person that moved here a few years ago because EVERYONE is related in some way, shape, or form. They either married one of the "relatives" or are one of them. I am confident, though, that over time, a shift will happen. I don't need a huge network of people but a few close friends would be great.

I can't wait to churn up our garden. Soon! It will be so nice to get some dirt under my fingernails and tend something other than children. I am worried though, last year we had a bit of blight, er, a lot of blight. I'm worried those spores are going to pop up again this year. I might need to do something about my tomatoes, maybe create a new bed for them or something. I have read that you shouldn't plant them there again for a while. I guess some research is in order.

Emily is in a bit of a naught(ier) stage these days. She's always been a bit on the intense side but lately her tantrums are driving me to drink. It's been a little ridiculous lately. She's not quite 3 1/2. So I guess I had better buckle my seat belt and take it one day at a time. Or one tantrum at a time. There are many in the course of a day. Usually when they're developing too quickly intellectually, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to hold their shit so to speak. Any little thing triggers her and there's no reasoning with her. She can't control her emotions and she can surely get some pissed off. She's loud!! I will work harder on raising her than Abby and Sydney combined I do believe. My husband and I joke that Abby came along for condolences. For both my husband and I, but Sydney too! She get's to have her as a sister and I am not so sure how fulfilling that will always be.

Abby? Is an angel from heaven. Yesterday she peed on my couch and when I scolded her she just flashed those long lashes around with her sparkly eyes and said "sorry". It softened the blow slightly but pee on the couch sucks.

Have I blogged about my singing? I can't remember. Anyway, after a night of karaoke a woman approached me to join her duo. We met last Saturday and have a pretty good sound together. I do believe this is going to turn into another "something" for me to do that gives me a little less mother and a little more Europa. Which is awesome!

That's about the size of it all these days. I'm still not clouding my thoughts with puff the magic dragon, though I would say some days I could use a little help from my friend. I do feel like a new woman since putting that to rest. It just doesn't suit me to do that all the time. I would like to find a good balance of recreational use but maybe I'm not capable of that right now.

Either way, things are definitely better than the place I was a month ago. February is a sad month for me every single year. Is that why I have so many celebratory days? Anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day? It's all in February. The presents soften the blow some. Especially the garnet earrings Jamie gave to me :)

On challenging yourself.

My brain has been sucked right out of my head over the past few years. Several reasons stemming from the same bed of flowers. Two pregnancies, two babies, three years of intermittent sleep. I was drowning in diapers, binkies, and laundry. I'm still drowning in laundry but what a difference it makes having one potty trained and one on the way. I remember changing 5 or 6 poop diapers practically every single day. I never want to revisit those days again. I can't even imagine how octomom must feel on any given day. Or maybe she has her other 45 kids change all the diapers, who knows.

What happens when one is consumed with the mundane tasks life throws at us is our brains don't get fed as often. I read one book maybe. I read mom blogs and other ramblings on the internet but nothing that fed me or challenged me to understand something that was beyond my reach intellectually. I'm beginning to remedy that.

My husband's aunt is an avid reader. I really admire that about her and love to listen to all of her wisdom which she acquires mostly through reading. Whether it be her coveted vocabulary or just her knowledge in general, I'd like to be more like her in that regard. Also, I enjoy a good storybook and love the escape it gives you when you're peering into the writer's creative world. Perhaps if I could up my reading skills I might be able to better comprehend other more technical writing or find a fever for current events. Who knows.

You have to begin somewhere so I've been allowing myself some time with books lately. Some are just simple self help type books that challenge the way I think about life. Another book I've taken a liking to is a little more challenging and I am finding that I really enjoy taking the time to read a paragraph that might be a little out of my reach and figure out what it's trying to say. Albeit slowly. :)

I like that I'm doing this and it makes me happy. I would like to live up to my potential and this is just one way of doing so. It feels great to try new things and instead of giving up, enduring through something and teaching myself to understand. I wish I had realized when I was young that learning was so important, that challenging yourself meant something. I guess it is just another part of my family's culture, being labor type folk. They didn't really concern themselves with higher learning. There are only a handful of high school graduates from my aunts and uncles and even fewer college graduates through out my entire family.

I like changing my mentality. I enjoy proving to my family, and to myself, that we can be different. That diligence and dreams pay off. That we're capable of achieving more than just getting by.

So, I'm feeding my brain and it makes me happy.

Something great is happening here.

I have definitely felt a shift inside myself. A long time coming if you ask me. We moved here five years ago and since then I've waited for something to happen but nothing ever really took shape.

Wonder why? Within 15 minutes of meeting everyone I dropped the information that I wasn't here for the long haul. We were here for Jamie's graduate work and moving on. Who in their right mind would bother to take the time for someone who seems closed off right out of the gate?

I do give myself some credit. I joined the PTA and tried to get involved there, but again, I wasn't talking or sharing the right parts of me. I encouraged Sydney to join Girl Scouts, but yet another wash in terms of finding a place for me. The group of women involved in both groups were definitely not the people I was supposed to be with I don't think. There weren't any connections there and it all felt very forced. I wasn't completely at fault, but I admit I didn't try very hard after feeling that initial sting of rejection.

Since joining the ladies at the Family Room inside the elementary school my daughter attends, a whole new world has opened up for me. A world with friends in it!! I can't even begin to describe what a relief this has been. I still have work to do with regards to building relationships but we're getting there. I am still working on listening more and not dominating a conversation. I try really hard to be thoughtful when I'm there but sometimes my mouth gets the better of me. Not in an ignorant way, just a little too enthusiastic perhaps. People want to know me, but first they want to share themselves and I'm so eager to share myself that I get a little ahead of the game.

I also have a bit of other news to share! News that I have been thinking about non stop since the weekend.

I missed out on a trip to visit with my mother last week that has been planned for a few months. Figures the weekend I picked to go would be the time we get the one big storm in our neck of the woods for the entire winter. All my flights were canceled. Good news is I can reschedule without paying any fees and I think Tennessee might be a lot more inviting in April or May anyway.

Instead of wallowing for the weekend and feeling sorry for myself I decided to stay positive and make other plans. Luckily, my mother in law drove up to help my husband with the girls while I was on my supposed trip. She was here to watch our girls for us. I got to go out and compete in a karaoke contest with my husband to cheer me on! I was amazed at the boost in my confidence level knowing he was there to watch me. I didn't win, but close! I missed the top prize by only 1 point, but I qualified for the big contest the end of April which has 5 cash prizes ranging from $500.00 - $100.00 and a top prize for a trip to VEGAS!!

I was bummed that I missed out on the $100.00 prize for the evening, but not so much because the winner sang a wicked tight Sublime tune and although my vocals were better (said by everyone there), his performance was pretty sweet. Both my husband and I really enjoyed what he brought to the evening.

In the end, the night ended up being pretty fantastic actually. Jamie and I haven't been to a place like that together in a very long time and we both enjoyed it a lot. Plus the most amazing thing happened that night! Another woman approached me and gave me her demo CD to listen to and asked if I was interested in joining her in forming a duo. I took a listen the next day and gave her a call. She has all her own equipment and she plays small gigs a couple times a month. The person she sings with now has too much going on and she'd like to work with someone different, ME!!

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect arrangement. I don't want to be in a high stress environment with a bunch of dudes in a band. I want low key, I want to sing, and I want people watching me! haha. Yes, I want to showboat a little and gain confidence, who doesn't want to share what they're good at? If you don't use your talent you get rusty so I couldn't be more excited about the possibilities of this opportunity. If it works out well I could get out a few times or more each month and get to do what I love. AND MAKE MONEY at the same time!!!! :)

So I'm happy, it wasn't how I pictured myself using my talent years ago, but it is what will work for my family and for me right now. So in my book that is nothing short of amazing.