Some people shouldn't be gifted mouths.

Being the wonderful mummy that I am, I crammed my pregnant belly behind the wheel of the car and went to the Halloween Parade at S's school today. I mostly keep to myself since I'm tired and don't have many positive thoughts running through my mind outside of just getting myself to Friday morning.

Finally, after my fingers have begun to swell to gigantic proportions, the fancy mask parade begins and I give my cheeriest smile I have left in me for all the cute little smiling faces. Cute, cute, cute is all I can say. There is this one little boy in kindergarten who is half the size of all his piers but you'd never know it for a minute because his whole face lights up when he smiles and you wouldn't notice his size if it jumped out and bit you. He's meowing his way through the parade with his little kitten mask he made in art class melting my heart with every step. I'm happy, content and eagerly waiting for my first grader to pass me by. I'm excited to see the relief on her face when she spots me; one of the perks of being a stay at home mom. She asks if I even recognize her with her mask on and I pretend I don't see her. Too cute for words.

The parade is coming to a close and all the parents are sauntering near the entrance and suddenly I spot a fellow daisy scout mom and we share a few words. Only hers are stupid and idiotic and I had all I could do not to tell her what a stupid idiot she is.

"Oh, honey, you've grown." Yeah, no shit. "Are you still babysitting?" No, I finished up last Friday since my c-section is scheduled for three days from now. Thought I could use the extra rest. "C-section you say? Honestly, that's the easy way out. I feel like all women should have to push if I had to. I told my sister to go natural and she insisted on a c-section. I told her she needed to earn that baby!" Earn that baby. EARN THAT BABY. Oh I've earned that baby alright. Who in their right mind would tell a woman who's been pregnant for nearly a year that she needs to EARN her baby. What the fuck ever you dumb broad. I didn't even have words for her. If I had spoke the entire school would of heard me and to be honest I'm not sure my colorful language would be accepted as appropriate for a school function.

Honestly, I really don't understand people some days.

You know you're losing your pregnant mind when.....

you suddenly announce to your husband at 3 am that it sucks having to lock yourself in the bathroom for days so you can update your myspace page every 10 minutes....(I have no idea where that came from!?)

or Thursday morning you're diligently baking oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and driving your child to school the next morning, cookies in tow, for a Halloween party that isn't until Tuesday.

With the baby's arrival so close at hand I believe my mind is getting fuzzier and fuzzier. Normally I have my very own built in remember all; birthdays, anniversaries, important dates to remember all written on my internal calendar. I'm afraid someone may have taken a match to it while I wasn't looking.

Perhaps it's the lack of sleep that has driven me mad, or at least partly to blame. Does this continue after the birth of your child I wonder, or am I looking at a good three years of crazy??

Ever feel like the worst

Mother in the entire world. It feels like I'm having more worst moments than best lately. I'm lacking BIG TIME in the patience category. I may start wearing a Halloween mask just so I can blame the craziness on the ugly witch with the green face and large wart on her nose.

Yesterday was just one of those days I guess. Everything coming down on me at one time and I not being able to handle ANY of it without losing my head. I had S in tears while she was doing her homework because she couldn't quite remember which letters were vowels and which were consonants, the twenty month old I watch part-time was running around sticking her fingers in all the uncovered outlets, I was on the phone with Home Depot bitching about the $25 late fee that I was refusing to pay, and my pain in the ass terrier was chasing my wimpy ass cat around the house at full speed. I had all I could do to keep from lying on the floor in a puddle that would of been my tears. The only thing holding me back was the fact that I wasn't so sure that my big pregnant ass could actually get up OFF the floor once down there. After getting the late fee waved, apologizing while wiping tears off a homework paper, finally covering up those last two outlets, and kicking the dogs ass, I started dinner. Shortly there after the hubby made it home and I was free to let a few tears of my own fall. A little release does the body good, but I have to admit that I could have curled up into a ball (again, if I was in fact capable of that action) and cried into the wee hours of the morning.

Truth be told, I've been weeping a lot lately. I'm just plain tired of carrying this baby around. My body is ready for a comeback, or at least some sort of comeback that doesn't require a living human growing inside of it. I'm ready to sleep soundly, even if it is in short increments. I'm ready to wear something other than the one pair of pants that fit me. I could care less if they were orange lounge pants with baby puke and crusty boogers all over them, I just want options dammit. OPTIONS!!!

I'm almost there now. I have less than 10 days left until delivery. SINGLE DIGITS!!!! Thankfully there is a lot going on between now and then and weekends always bring my spirits up. I just need J now more than I normally do. It's comforting to know that he's here in case I need....oh...a punching bag. :-)

23 more days

until I meet my new daughter. November 3rd is the scheduled day of delivery, provided she doesn't decide to arrive a little early and give us all a special surprise.

Only 23 more days. I think I can manage that.

Note to self.

Try and refrain from taking a bath in your 9th month of pregnancy. Unless of course you invest in say.....a hot tub. You might be able to fit in that a little better.

It wasn't THAT bad, it's more of a design flaw for pregnant women and at the same time a perfect design for pregnant women. At the end of my bath tub there is a little seat. The seat bodes well for showering pregnant women since the seat doubles as a sturdy foot rest while shaving legs. I must admit that this is one task I've kept up with regularly throughout my pregnancy. For the most part the legs have been as soft and silky smooth as they have always been. However, when trying to relax in a hot bath, the seat doesn't work quite as well. Not to mention the fact that my tummy is like a huge boulder sticking out in the middle of a peaceful lake. It was cute and lasted all of 5 minutes before I decided that the shower works best for me in my current state. Oh well. It was worth a try AND I even managed to get up out of the tub without any help. Good thing, since there was no help around.

Cravings are funny lately. I can't seem to get enough baby carrots and apples. I'm on my second bag of carrots in three days and have eaten my way through a bushel of apples in the last few weeks it seems. There are a few other cravings.....like devil dogs, ring dings, swiss rolls. Basically anything that includes chocolaty cake with a creamy filling. Can't be good all the time.

I've also made a decision on delivery I think. I'm always back and forth and have been since finding out about the pregnancy, but now that the big day is drawing nearer I've decided to go for the repeat c-section. Why go through hell if you don't have to? Why not take advantage of the planned event? It will make it so much easier for scheduling help with S and the convenience of knowing exactly when this is going to be over. A countdown so to speak. I am hoping to schedule the surgery at my next ob appointment next Tuesday.

Speaking of, I can't believe it's almost over. I'm not kidding myself into thinking it's all down hill from here. There are still a few sleepless nights, discomfort and agony ahead of me, but it seems very real to me now. I'm going to have a BABY!!!!! SOON!!!!!! I can hardly wait to meet her and feel her tiny little fingers wrap around mine. I want to smell her sweet little baby smell and tickle her little baby feet. I am beside myself with joy thinking of the quiet moments I'll steal with her. I know the baby moon isn't always what you've dreamed about for 40 weeks but with the nasty diapers and screaming infant comes all the good stuff I mentioned above.

It's going to be wonderful watching her grow. Being able to stay at home with my children is the greatest gift I've ever been given. It's not all roses but it's not all thorns either.

What was I thinking?

Reading the blog of a grieving mother who just lost her newborn baby back in June? I must be absolutely nuts. I'm not freaking out majorly or anything like that. I'm also not the paranoid type that waits for something bad to happen to me. I would like to think that I'm an optimistic with a dash of complainer. Sometimes more one than the other depending on my day. It's just amazingly sad reading about this woman's pain from losing her child. I can't seem to stop dipping into the past 6 months of her life.

Two weeks before the birth of her baby she was feeling much like I am right now, exhausted, irritated, slightly irrational and a tad sick of being pregnant. One entry ended with the comment "How am I going to manage a pre-schooler AND a baby?" My heart broke for her at that moment because I was peeking into her past; there is no baby to juggle. How sad for her that she went through the entire pregnancy and birth just to have her baby die in an ambulance on the way to the nearest NICU after living a brief 7 hours. She wasn't even with her when she died. There wasn't even a reasonable explanation for her death. Something about the umbilical cord being compressed for too long and the baby suffered severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen.

The mom chose a home birth and is a midwife in training. Most women choosing a home birth end up having the experience they dreamed of. Having their beautiful child placed into their arms, breastfeeding the minute the child finds the sustenance and lying comfortably in bed an hour later with their lover and baby between them connecting the love they share for a lifetime. This home birth did not work out that way. It just doesn't seem fair though I know life isn't fair by any stretch of the imagination. There is a circle to life and sometimes that circle is long and prosperous and sometimes that circle is over soon after it began.

I'm sad for her loss and I hope that someday she and her family find peace with their loss. I can't imagine what a void this has left in their hearts. I'm grateful for reading her story. It puts things in perspective right at this moment. I'm learning to enjoy the last few moments of my baby growing inside of me. I'm doing my best to give into the discomforts and sharp jabs to the ribs that take my breath away. It all signifies a gift that has been given to me. A tiny living wonder that I will cherish and love with all of my heart.

Now, if only I could stop having crazy dreams about my own baby being less that perfect....we'll be okay. I know she'll be fine and the chances of something happening are slim. I've just read too much it seems and have added one more thing to the bag of crazy dreams I'm having in these last few weeks of preggoness. Did I happen to mention that it is OCTOBER!!!!!?????!!!!!