Today has been such a good day.  I can't describe what it feels like to discover something about yourself, about your life, that allows focus and drive.  I've had amazing ideas throughout my career as a fitness professional and saw some of them to fruition but really lacked a personal fortitude to get anywhere.  Maybe it is because I was living the dream that was not mine, and maybe my town was just not big enough to go BIG and support a business. 

That dream sharing plays into the empathic qualities I have.  I was literally living the life and setting the goals someone else had and forgot all about my own.  I wasn't happy, I was resentful, I was exhausted, and I was steering down a road of resistance.  It wasn't mine, I didn't want it. 

What do I want? 

I want it all. 

I don't want to be *just* a Zumba instructor anymore.  I want that to be what makes me shine, I want to use that as part of a business that excels because it's what I'm good at.  But ultimately, I can't do it all.  I'd like to gather, create, inspire a team of really great fitness professionals.  Each of us having our unique offering that really brings out the best in them and RUN WITH THAT as a team. 

I have recently taken up CrossFit.  I haven't been so excited about something since Zumba.  It's really tapped into a side of me that has been lacking and will be what I believe, what makes me stronger than ever.  I love this style of training, I love this class and I want to be a fucking beast.  You mark my words man.  I'm going to rip myself into a sculpted machine and I'm not even sorry about that. 

In January, I began taking yoga classes with a unique and amazing person.  I love her style, I love her intuitive nature and her ability to take care of her class by being completely open and channeling her love for yoga to the students in the room.  The energy that resides within her space after a class has been inspiring and I'm taking care of something I've needed for a long time.  Stretching.  I need to lengthen to strengthen.  She leads from the heart, much like me and "knows" how to take her energy and place it into the hearts of those around her. 

I'm not the best dancer, but my energy during a class is difficult to describe when I'm tapping into that.  It can't be copied unless you're willing to really open up into your love source and let it flow freely.  I can't do this all week long, I need to do things for me, and share myself with limits.  If I do not do this, I become unhappy and unbalanced.  My new mantra is all about finding what makes ME happy and doing just that.  Part of that is being the best mother and wife I can possibly be, as well as friend to few, as well as personal trainer, business partner, Zumba instructors. 

My circle is going to become a lot smaller.  My real friends will get the best and my students will get Zumba.  I can't be a best friend to every student even though my heart is drawn into that place.  The healer, the fixer, the one that wants everyone to feel happy because it's too much to see another feeling down.

The consequences of such is a person who absolutely can't function.  I'm pulled into so many directions that I lose all happiness of my own and fall into depression.  If I'm happy, just being in a room with me makes you feel better.  You may not even know it, but somehow....if it's in my power, I will make you feel special and important.  I am damn good at Customer Service.  I aim to please people. 

So how does that sound?  Are my goals mine?  Do I sound happy?  I will admit that my emotions are a little bouncy here and there but the new medication creates a more balanced approach.  I can talk about my ideas with clarity and focus.  In my head, I'm not a cocky bitch one minute, worst individual ever the next.  Am I cocky?  Oh hell to the yes.  After years and years of self loathing I think I deserve just a little bit of YOU AREN'T JUST BARELY GOOD ENOUGH - YOU KICK ASS!!!  I have goals in place and I'm working towards becoming a unique leader who works well with others and shares her ideas to the betterment of all those who share my love for fitness.  It's not all one thing or nothing, it's a mix of three unique workouts, each designed to compliment and enhance the performance of each one.  Ellsworth didn't see me coming.....and that's fine by me.  Once they know I'm here they will surely know my name.  I'm going for gold this time.  Finally a town big enough for a girl like me. 

I feel better now. HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Yes, I'm crazy.

It's funny what a couple of days away and a little hope can do for a soul.  My last post was a debbie downer, but you know, it has to come out some place because I feel like no one listens, sometimes. 

Communication is such a tricky business.  Jim and I have undergone months upon months of stress this last decade.  That's a lot of frigging months. 

At the end of the day we are a tight unit.  Almost as tight as my buns, but not quite.  Yes, I just said that.  I'm not even sorry.  I have worked hard at re-shaping and re-defining myself, body, mind and soul.   I'm here to toot my own fucking horn once in a while dammit. 

It's kind of overwhelming to find out about a new venture into the world of mental health amongst a 10 minute bitch session.  I have to admit, I was so pissed the first time I was hospitilized.  The meds were wrong and I was so drugged up.  I had gone in at a svelt 120 lbs.  Came out with 10 extra, no muscle coordination and a huge cloud above my head. 

When I think back on it, I've been right on the cusp of going over the edge many years.  I believe a hyper active thyroid and per-menopause have given me a big push towards needing medication. 

The second hospitilization was a much different experience with different drugs and listening doctors.  I could cry just thinking about how grateful I am that I have a mild case and will probably manage it just fine with some good self care and low dose medication.  This is not the case for all. 

I am definitely what you would call Empath.  And what that means is just someone who's extremely sensitive to all emotions around them.  Sometimes I can even feel pain if I'm closely connected with you, this is new since finding the cause of my roller coaster.  If Jim loses his shit I'm done.  Can't function.  Same with my kids and the friends I let in my circle of trust.   It's part of the reason I've been such a hot mess for the entirety of my life.  It's so funny to open these new presents and say, OOOHHHHHH!!!  It's common for highly empathic individuals to be diagnosed bipolar, and not always bipolar individuals who are Empaths.  It's not your typical cocktail, or maybe it is.  It will be tricky finding exactly what I need to thrive, but I'm hoping with good a good doctor, a good psychiatrist, and therapist, I'll succeed in getting what I need.  I have a trusted therapist and she has recommended a doctor to me.  I'm 2/3 of the way there.  The psychiatrist was referred to me by my inpatient team and I trust their judgement.  I think they do tend to listen, but you have to get their attention.  That's not something I have trouble doing.  Yes, I said that too.  People take notice when I take a seat.  They might think I'm a total moron, but they do take notice.  This I know!  Yes...TOOOT TOOOT! 

I'm in the middle of dinner and have to go, but this is something to chew on so you don't die of agony waiting for the next musing.  All 10 of you.  Or so. 

Have a great week, friends. 

Love,
Ropa

You definitely want to read this.

Sometimes, I just feel like throwing in the towel.  How many years have to go by, how many times do I get up after falling, only to receive another broken plate. 

I'm so fucking tired. 

I don't mean to sound ridiculous.  I mean, it is Easter and Jesus did die on the cross for my sins and rose from the grave only to find a world full of ungrateful, unbelieving sons a bitches.  I know that my problems are pale in comparison to others.  But right now I'm talking about me and if you don't like the pity party, then I suggest you find another blog to read. 

I'm having a rough day.  Jim and I are experiencing the hardest financial struggle that outweighs even our leanest of times.  And it's always been lean.  It's always been a struggle.  One would think that first job you land after 10 years of graduate school and post docs would be the break in the ice.  A little reward with a nice rainbow to go with it. 

Unfortunately, we have a shitty realtor selling our house that we dumped a shit ton of money into making a home.  We chose her because she was local to our town and it's been the biggest mistake ever.  If we could have one serious buyer that had enough money to give us the very minimum of what we need to move on we would bend. It's killed our savings and put us in a pretty decent sized hole of debt. 

I am still plugging away at Zumba and making NOTHING because I'm paying more than my fair share of rent.  I have no choice but to bend over because I have to start somewhere.  I started selling essetial oils for a MLM company trying to figure out one more way to pay the bills because I need more training, more knowledge to be taken seriously in the fitness industry.  I also love essential oils and use them daily for lots of different things from stress relief to allergy med alternatives.  I have found my passion in life but I feel like I'm climbing a wall that just keeps getting higher and higher. 

I spent the last 14 years supporting Jim in his career choices and now I feel guilty because we are struggling so bad, but I want my piece of cake, too.  I want to be home for the kids and work for myself because I feel like if I'm my own boss I can at least be in charge of appreciating my damn self since no one else seems to get it.  I've sold myself short for so many years waiting for others to value the person I am only to be found wanting. 

Shitty friends, unappreciative co-workers, ungrateful family and seldom hear from anyone but strangers or acquaintances that I really made a difference in their day.  Not all, don't take offense, but I only have a few really good ones who haven't at some point or other let me down so bad trust was broken. 

I serve people and it gives me great pleasure to make another smile.  I just want someone to make me smile, too. 

How many selfish people does it take to change a light bulb?  None, they're gonna wait for me to do it, because it's what I always do. 

I am blessed with three amazing kids.  I have a wonderful husband who has a good base for a career and he doesn't beat me or isn't an alcoholic and is a good father.  I am grateful for these things.  But honestly, I follow him around constantly looking for some sign that he's in love with me enough to show signs of affection.  I need to be hugged and kissed and want strong connections.  I don't need money, I need love and lots of it.  I can't help that I want these things.  I try to accept who he is and I realize he shows love in his own way but it's not easy to lack something I've been waiting my whole life to receive.  Thank goodness for my young girls.  They do love me and show me a lot of love and I soak it up in the brief moments it occurs, when I'm not keeping them from stabbing each other in the eye ball with a fork. 

Raising three daughters is a daunting, exhausting, and exhilarating task.  I love doing it, but guess who'll get the credit when it's all said and done.  The front man.  Dr. Hagarman, what a rock for his family, providing and loving them into confident and courageous women. Guess all the laundry, endless hours of brushing hair and wiping asses, hugging when duty calls, making the tough choices to keep them empathic and grounded women means nothing.  This shit ain't easy. 

In the side lines there's me, the servant.  Did you know she doesn't even work, what a lazy bitch.  She must be on Facebook all day or something.  A newly diagnosed bipolar and self proclaimed empath who has struggled for years taking on everyone's problems to the point of two hospitalizations in one year. 

That's what this has come to for me and I'm so very tired of grabbing the short straw.  It just seems to get worse no matter how much effort I put in. 

How bad is it that I felt happier in the hospital than out?  I made a difference in there.  I brushed an elderly woman's hair and made her feel pretty even though her kids won't even speak to her.  I showed a former heroine addict that she still had what it takes to jog around the court and could do whatever she decided to do.  I gave a lonely 21 year old boy a few days of feeling special by getting attention from his new inpatient cougar "girlfriend".  We set boundaries since I was married, but he never stopped smiling for the whole 5 days and promised me he'd take a shower the day I left.  I hugged a young girl who suffered severe anxiety and let her think she gave me new coping skills by sharing her love for coloring and hugging her stuffed animals.  I danced in the hall with a homeless woman and she laughed so hard and told me how cute I was, just cute cute cute she said.  She then told everyone to go to hell and fuck off but that's beside the point.

I helped those people feel more human and loved with everything I had for that one week.  I shared and listened.  I submersed myself in bipolar, schizophrenia,  PTSD, and homelessness.  I left my family to my amazing husband and he did a great job and I felt appreciated for just a few days.  It was great.  Turns out the broken plates are the best ones to be around.  It's all these pretend perfect plates that get on my fucking nerves. 

And now I'm out and I can't use any of my favorite coping skills aside from exercise.  No wine, no weed, no praying (psychosis makes me want to save the world from hell).  And we are in the middle of a shit storm and at each others throats at the very mention of money. 

I really hope this passes soon and I hope that stupid fucking realtor sells our house.  I'm so sick of people not doing their job and I'm sick of dinks.