October stuff.

One thing that rubbed me the wrong way this year was the lack of summer. A two week trip to Maine gave 13 days of rain and two partly cloudy. Spencer was a little better not the summer we're used to. I held onto a hope all of July and August that autumn would recharge me for winter. It never happened.

Instead?

This was my morning greeting from Mother Nature in early October.

I am bracing myself for a difficult winter weather wise. I have only heard of the snow these parts of NY are known to get. We have never bothered to upgrade our shovel to a snow blower because we've always gotten by on the manpower between us.

Honestly? I still have a pair of snow shoes still tied together in it's packagingthat I got 5 years ago for Christmas. I could dig getting some poles and taking to the trails a few times this winter. But not in OCTOBER!

Whatever. Bring it bithces. I'll take the good with the bad because I'm hardcore like that.

In other news, Sydney has gotten the part of Gretel in her school play. Though, in my opinion, the sissified version they will be putting on is a far cry from the tale that was originally written. Ah well, I guess our kids don't really need to worry about some crazy bitch in the forest shoving them into an oven and eating them.

I have even more news to report if you can believe that! J is all but one week away from presenting his thesis and "discussing" his graduate work with his committee. They will grant him worthy or they will not. The not part is just more of a scare tactic to keep people in check. Not a lot of people go through this process completely and walk away empty handed. He's all but finished with his degree and we are about to enter into preparation phase number II. His post doc starts December 1st! WOOT! I am so proud of him. What an accomplishment.
Halloween was fun. We had a great time trick or treating with the girls. Abby was a little annoyed with all the walking but managed it if only for the reward. Candy is the bestest thing in the whole world when you're a kid. And we got TONS of it.

Which only scratches the surface of the sugar consumed by this family in the past two weeks since we also had a birthday celebration in there as well.

Ugh! I managed to maintain my weight loss but no progress to speak of. I started a serious celery eating phase yesterday. No more Goldfish and mindless snacking until Thanksgiving. Then I'll be a little more....giving.

Speaking of birthdays, Emily turned three! THREE! I am the most shocked about how quickly the years are flying by at our house. It's probably because we are so sleep deprived and delirious. She is totally potty trained now though. Score one for mom and I have begun socializing them (finally!). I make them sound like pets but truth be told, Emily has a slight problem interacting with children her own age and being able to cope and move on to something new when something gets sticky with another kid. Her only reaction is to retreat. She insists we leave RIGHT NOW. And I am a pussy mom because I bend to her will with a single look. I am not comfortable enough in that place to allow a melt down.

So now I'm wrapping this up in a really poor way but I'm tired of blogging right now and I only have so much time in my day. But there's a run down of the latest. More to come...

Purge.

The weather is definitely changing. I can't recall having an actual summer this year, it's as if we were living in Maine again. But I do welcome fall. Every single year I open my arms and embrace it with every ounce of energy. I had a short run this morning with the sun beating down but a chilly feel in the air that keeps you cool. I wish that autumn could just replace winter. As much as I love the north east, I think I may be better suited for a different climate. I always thought Monterey, California was a good place to live with even temps all year round. Maybe we'll settle there some day. Yeah, right.

Jamie is cleaning up our wood stove today, sealing new gaskets and adding new fire brick to replace the pieces that were falling apart. We still have about 3.5 cord of wood on our front lawn to pile, but what the hell ever. I am in no hurry to do it this year at all. Last year I piled nearly the whole thing by myself - that was with a newborn and breastfeeding. I think I was trying to lose baby fat and that motivated me but it didn't do jack shit for me.

Sydney has been making creative wreaths from the grapevines growing along our fence in the back yard. That girl has some serious talent when it comes to art. I am always in awe of her paintings she brings home from school. A few I have framed and more than a few I have set aside for frames. I just love her interpretations of animals, flowers and random shapes with bright colors. When I take the time to notice, watching her blossom into a young lady is invigorating. What a solid child she is. I did that! We did that together. In my opinion, there's a fine line between teaching your children to be honest, hardworking, productive members of society and completely fucking them up for life. I'm certain I teeter between the two regularly, but so far things are balanced pretty well. I have yet to hit peri-menopause, though I'm very close (I think?)and I will probably do some pretty psychotic things throughout those years of my life. We'll see...I'm pretty screwy hormonally speaking right now. I can't imagine what it will be like then.

Emily is talking, talking, talking. Sometimes she swears a little and I'm okay with that. What's life without a good cuss word. Abby is following suit and picking up words like crazy. They are fun to watch. A year from now they will be spitting out angry sentences in context to each other and I think that's going to be pretty awesome! Emily having someone other than myself to argue and fight with is a blessing. Abby is almost as big as her and she will be able to kick her ass into next week if she gets too out of line and I'll let her.

Nothing new, same old stuff, just a different day and we're all a little older. I am almost to a place where I feel like we might be able to enjoy something other than our kids and a good realty show. One of these days we're going to be able to actually go someplace without them and not worry incessantly about whether or not the babysitter is crying.

Little of this, little of that.

I made oatmeal banana cookies this morning. I love these cookies, all cake like and moist. Like a piece of banana oatmeal bread, only shaped like a cookie. A great pairing with a cup of green tea.

I've been gathering, foraging if you will, for winter. I've cleaned out drawers, filled them with long sleeves, jeans and tights, put the flannel on, made a few soups. Footie pajamas are plentiful and I've even cranked the furnace a morning or two. We are in the process of replacing parts to our stove, changing seals and making sure our wood is packed and ready for the chill. I'm always feverish this time of year. Ever anticipating the coming months.

The holidays are coming! That's always something that cheers my mood. A new countdown; I love countdowns! It always comes so quickly once school begins. We aren't traveling for Christmas this year and I am SO excited. I should really try to do it up big time in the house since we're going to be home. It will seem so magical to the little babies, and Syd too for that matter. I'm really looking forward to staying put. It's been a long time coming.

Speaking of school, Sydney is doing outstanding! That kid just loves her studies and tries her best no matter what. She's already devoured 5 books in just two weeks! We're very proud.

Jamie is less than two months from defending his thesis and will start his post doc here on December 1st! I cannot tell you the burden lifted knowing we will stay a bit longer. I was ready for a change but the money given to someone fresh out of grad school is small potatoes when compared to the cost of living in the areas that prestigious universities are located. Not that he has to have the best, but it makes sense to get a certain pedigree before you branch out on your own merit. He will learn a lot under his new boss. I'm very happy for his transition and the small raise that comes with it. He's very deserving, it's time for our family to arrive.

Still working out. I have to say that my pace was a bit ambitious and I started to feel like it was all work and no play. I'm going back to a routine that suits me and my family best. I'll get where I want to be, just in a happy way, a new way. I told you that I had to watch myself lest I fall down the slippery slope that is obsession. Besides, I got new videos and am very pleased with the outcome. I am so sore today that I'm taking a break and only doing my very low impact, more for fun, fitness class tonight. Important part being the class, I'm getting INVOLVED. Baby steps you guys. I'm a hermit since going through 18 months of pregnancy and 18 months of infancy. I had no business going any damn where with that big belly and breastfeeding in public wasn't my favorite thing. It's been a slow start.

In other news, Emily has found, and is fond of her vaginah. That's all I got to say about that. Though the potty training has been very positive over all! Very happy about the decrease in excrement in our trash bags.

Sydney got UGGS! I'm freaking serious! And jealous. She also shaved her legs for the first time. That's all I've got to say about that.

Abby has gotten down right skinny. Okay, so not skinny, we'll call it just above average vs. borderline obese! Kid had some serious chunk. I'm both happy and sad to see it go. Her clothes are fitting her better and she looks more comfortable climbing, but it means she's not going to be a baby much longer. She's the last of 'em. How fleeting time really is.

So there you have it. A little of this, a little of that.

My quest to fit and healthy.

The past three years have been trying to say the least. When I look at the whole, I have no idea how I made it to where I'm at right now. I could only deal with one itty bitty slice at a time. Back to back pregnancies has swallowed the first quarter of my thirties. Whether I liked it or not, I was on this ride and I was not the driver. I am grateful for my babies but growing and nursing two babies one after the other is a daunting task. When it was all over I was left a gooshy, overweight, overtired and over stimulated mess. It wasn't pretty.

In January I bottomed out. One moment in particular really hit hard. I was going out shopping with Sydney and wearing my kinda fat jeans and my soft mommy tummy was spilling over the top and my once baggy sweater wasn't so roomy anymore. I just wanted to cry I was so miserable. I probably did cry when I got to a quiet place where Sydney couldn't see her mother's anguish over her dilapidated post partum figure.

I needed a change and I knew that it wasn't going to happen on its own. I had to make a commitment to myself to start taking steps to change what was making me unhappy or shut up and get fatter.

One baby step at a time, I started a workout regime. It wasn't easy fitting it in, mostly because my habits and behaviors had to change drastically. I had to discipline myself to keep going, to keep myself from the couch when the opportunity to exercise presented itself and to do it consistently. One 45 minute workout wasn't going to burn the fat from two pregnancies. This was going to require some deeper digging.

For a long time I didn't see the scale budge more than 5 lbs. That was a grueling 5 lbs to lose too, it didn't just melt off me like I had hoped. My portion control was non-existent and I was still snacking on little things throughout the day which is ultimately what was holding me back. Three goldfish here, a sliver of cheese there, oh this one handful of buttery popcorn can't hurt, can it? Think again.

I am constantly feeding children all day long, children who eat 15 tiny meals a day because they need constant fuel to grown and develop. Do you know how hard it is to keep your fingers off their plates? It's not just about the food temptation, it's burned in my brain to keep from wasting it, which if you've ever fed a child you know that they eat maybe 1/3 of the modest portion you gave them. Even today I have all I can do to throw Emily's cereal in the trash or to sacrifice the crusts from their grilled cheese at lunch! I hate throwing it out but I couldn't pretend that the calories didn't count because clearly they did.

I kept at it though, slowly changing little things about each day and didn't give up just because I wasn't seeing major changes, or if I had a bad day/week. I continued even though some days I felt like a failure because I didn't log enough time sweating it out. My knees got sore, my routine was getting old and the winter was long. Boy, was it ever long.

Eventually, I started to feel how firm my legs were getting and that my clothes were fitting differently. My fat jeans fit me now and there was NO SPILLAGE! Jamie was noticing too if you know what I mean. It was little things like that which motivated me and I also began rewarding myself with new clothes or something else I wanted besides food.

There were times when I didn't work as hard as I needed to but 9 months later I'm still workout out. I am down 20 lbs and as strong as I was 10 years ago just before I got pregnant with Sydney. Last week I ran 22 miles and logged 3 hours of video. I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. I find myself excited for the end of the day when Jamie gets home so I can sweat it out. I challenge myself to see what I can accomplish instead of contemplating how little I can do and still log in a workout. My knees don't hurt anymore because they're strong. I'm strong. And I love it!

One aspect of this that has empowered me greatly is that my hard work has motivated others to push themselves. And it's their pushing that helps me continue to push myself as well. We're all pushing hard together and debunking those myths that tell us we're not capable of being fit because it's too hard or too much work. We're surprising ourselves with moments of success and smaller jeans. We're doing it because we are worth the effort, not just to look good but to feel good. We are getting strong and healthy and learning a new way of life - a better way of life.

Working out isn't a quick fix to a fit body. Neither is a diet where you deprive yourself of food your body needs to thrive. It's a lifestyle you have to adopt. A change you have to make permanently and to understand that it happens gradually not immediately.

So this is my story - my journey thus far in getting a piece of myself back. I'm still working hard to get where I want to be and then maybe I'll slow down and do a maintenance schedule. Or maybe I won't because maybe I want to be better than before, maybe I want to run a race or three. Maybe I want to complete a marathon one day. Who knows. I'm not boxing myself in to any commitments but I'm not closing my mind off to possibilities either. So yeah. I'm feeling pretty awesome about that.

Lesson Learned.

Every weekend my family and I take a trip to Target or Evil-mart and buy the necessary items to get us through the week. Things like toilet paper, dish soap, cereal and twelve boxes of Dora fruity snacks. Yes, twelve. This one time we bought 11 and jeezum crow if it didn't ruin an entire Thursday.

I use to think shopping with one child was a challenge. So much so that it took me 6 years to willingly get pregnant with Emily. I remember admiring the abilities of the wife of my husband's boss one day. She had three girls and I was in awe of the way she handled each one so masterfully. I commented on how tough it must be and she modestly said "Oh honey, one baby, three babies, it's all the same." And I just want to go on record and say right here and now that IT IS NOT THE SAME.

I feel like every where we go it's always a major production. This one is running that way and the other this way. One needs to go to the bathroom and we can't find this one. Oh look! There she is, naked by the gumball machines again. We juggle kids like one of those entertainers people hire for their kid's birthday party. You know, the guy who juggles fiery rings and bowling pins like it's no big deal? Only we drop ours.

We weren't prepared for this either. Sydney was a shining example of a toddler and easy to take anywhere. Mother Nature likes to play cruel jokes on people and give them a false sense of good parenting skills, only to nail you in the ass the second go round. And sometimes the third. Which isn't really fair to Abby because she's generally well behaved. That is until you get to the Little Debbie Snacks. She was wrestling with a box of those for 10 minutes one afternoon and every time we tried to go in the opposite direction she began screeching like her name was Emily.

Just imagine my elation today when we get Abby loaded into the cart at Target and Emily decides she wants Daddy to take her inside the mall and Sydney wanted to join her. Luckily, Target is connected to the mall, otherwise we would have had a slight problem. Anywho, I was two children down and in Target with a wallet full of babysitting money. I could hardly contain the excitement, except I did because well, I didn't want to have to repay any favors later if you know what I mean.

My repressed happiness quickly turned into queasiness as I turned the corner and remembered that we were shopping in a college town and last week was orientation. By now all the parents were gone and the college freshmen had their brand new credit cards and allowances burning holes in their pockets. They can't buy beer yet and they don't have any friends that can buy beer yet, so guess where they all were? Yeah. Gold fish and granola bar shopping. The must haves for every diet of a fresh out of the nest almost grown up.

I'm inching through crowded snack aisles trying to stock up for the last week of summer vacation (Yes!) and I come to a dead stop because there are two young ladies with their cart parked at the exit of the aisle and while standing in the middle of the intersection with their butts sticking out to see if someone will go buy them some beer. At this point I'm just standing there kind of, but not really looking at them in hopes that they will move but they don't. So I inch a little closer and throw some Fruit Nuggets into my cart and try to initiate some sort of courtesy act where they get to be like most people and make room for the rest of the world. They clearly can not be bothered.

I do realize that these girls are over privileged, Ivy League princesses and haven't yet learned the rules of living in a world where not everyone kisses their tiny candy asses clad in Seven jeans so I show a little restraint, and it paid off because before you know it one of them rolls her eyes and moves the cart back 4 inches so I could squeeze through. IF I WERE A CONTORTIONIST. The other just stood there in the way with her ass sticking out just in case I had a valid ID. I gave them a slightly sarcastic thank you and went on my way. The kind where you pretend to smile but roll your eyes a little to get your point across.

I know, I'm subtle like that. Just ask Jamie.

I am half way up the next aisle when one declares "That PISSES me OFF!" just loud enough for me to hear. I reply in the same manner "Isn't that too bad" and go about my shopping adventure. Part of me (the 18 year old in me) wanted them to get even more obnoxious and come and chew me out so I could give them a piece of my mind and the grown up part of me knew it wasn't worth my time fishing out any sort of verbal justice. This is who they are right now but one day, one fine, glorious day they will be me and they are going to realize how self absorbed they once were. Or at least we all hope they will.

I have to side with the "they will" because I've thought about the two girls, and all the other newbies I encountered on my Target excursion today and my mind drifted back to my first years outside of my mother's reach. And man, was I ever slapped in the face with a big old fat dose of Karma. I was such an obnoxious little twit who would do anything to get a rise out of someone so I could look big. Except I never really was. Oh, sure, maybe to my friends or the geeks that hung on my every obnoxious word thought that I was hilarious, but I wasn't.

Today I laughed at my ability to see both sides and took comfort in knowing that they will all mature, and some other snotty size 2 will give it back to them one day. What goes around, comes around they say. And I might have made a mental note in hopes that next year I remember to stay away from Target juuuust long enough for the freshman to score some beer.

The final frontier!

Emily is finally taking up potty training. Actually it was sort of forced (I know! Bad Mommy) on her. She wasn't pleased about it, in fact, she threw a few tantrums where she insisted I put a diapee on her NOW.

I didn't.

I am so sick of wiping smeared shit off her ass that I just couldn't bring myself to surrender the Huggie any longer.

As of late, oh who am I kidding. Since birth, I have not felt like I had a lot of control over Emily's milestones. And I realize that life is just that way. Each child is different and takes alternative coaxing strategies to get them to reach these milestones.

With Emily there has been no coaxing. You couldn't give her a bottle; she wouldn't accept care from anyone but me for the longest time. She wouldn't sleep no matter how many different techniques we used to get her to sleep through. When she turned 9 months old I became pregnant and any energy I might have had to tackle the difficult aspects was tapped. She wouldn't even try to develop her language skills. She didn't respond to any real type of discipline and I have been pulling my hair out since day one, and I expect that ritual will continue until forever.

But I had to try.

More than a week has passed since our initial induction into Pantyhood and things are really going well. She doesn't protest anymore in the mornings when it's time to take her night diaper off. She hasn't had a ton of accidents, though there are some. But I expect some. I'm surprised she's not pissing herself accidentally on purpose to be honest with you. She has surprised us all and really flourished and grown throughout this process so far.

Which, I'll admit, didn't come without a few tears and doubts on my end. They don't recommend forcing potty training. All the books and online advice tell you to wait it out and let them decide when they're ready. I figured that I was doomed to change her diaper until Abby was ready to train and then it was a toss up if she would initiate it then or not. I'm glad that I took matters in my own hands now but last week I was really unsure if I was doing the right thing or not.

The one hint that finally convinced me that it was working is that I found her "I've gotta have this thing and I'll do anything to get it" item. Emily likes her some gum. And now I have little chewed up pieces of Trident all over my house and
pee stains on a few of my carpets but I'm going to rent a rug doctor soon anyway. It's worth the headache to be half way out of diapers.

So congratulate me ya'll. I've graduated to only one in diapers. I am so freaking happy to reach this milestone and I will gladly cart her butt to the facilities every 10 minutes if it is a means to an end.

Next thing to go? Binky.

Hopefully sometime before she gets her period.

I got what I wished for.

We're officially staying put for a few more years. Which, as you know, is exactly what I wanted, in that if I can't have what I really want then I don't want anything kind of way. I would rather stay here than move some place I don't want to live, even if that means being incredibly lonely at times.

The funny thing is, I'm kind of bi-polar when it comes to choosing where, because one moment I'm perfectly content in moving to the city near J's family. The next moment, not so much. I have never felt at home there and the only pull I feel is the benefit of babysitters and to instill the importance of extended family in my children. Plus the cheese steaks don't suck. Then the manic part of me suddenly wants to become a vegetarian and move closer to my family for the same, obvious reasons. Only I prefer lobster rolls up there - wait, can vegetarians even eat lobster?

The good part about staying put other than the whole not having to pack up a young, pants shitting (well two of us - I'm not telling which two) family of five, is not having choose where to be. I don't want to pick. I don't want one family to feel like we chose the other instead, even though it has little to do with what we truly want and more to do with where the job offer comes from. Even then it still won't matter to some people (read husband's people). They are relentless and really just want us all to live in one giant Kennedy-ish compound (seriously, this was mentioned). One where I get to mind all the kids and most likely change the Depends of the elderly along with the Huggies of the young.

They've promised there will be wine but I don't trust 'em. Not a single one. Hell, the husband introduced himself as Jamie - so I married him because I loved the way Jamie and Europa looked inside a heart with glitter. TRUE LOVE FOREVER. Five years later his name was Jim. I wouldn't have married a Jim. Jim looks like shit when written with my gold gel pen.

Deception runs in the family, I think.

Even if there is wine they'll probably make sure I wait until 5 pm and limit my consumption to a respectable two glasses because grown ups don't get drunk. And that's when I will frantically grip the bottle of wine and begin running around the compound in my thong yelling "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, YOU FUCKERS!"

And that, my friends, is probably when I'll be moving back to Maine.

My newest secret!

I don't blog much about this part of my life because I'm trying to do it in a healthy way without becoming too obsessed. Which, you know, is really hard considering our thin=beautiful mindset that has been burned into our brain. Have you seen some of those "super" models as of late? Who's that thin and still strong and healthy? Blech! But secretly, deep down in the pit of my stomach I wish I could be that thin and because of that little notion, I have to be diligent about keeping myself in check.

I did that when I was a kid and I know my thirties have suffered the consequences of my bad habits of my youth. I'm not willing to go back to that place now. I can't, I need to have fuel to keep me energized enough to keep up with a family of FIVE! Saying that out loud makes it seem so much more important than it feels on a daily basis. But yeah, my job is big.

Which makes it even more difficult to continue with a healthy lifestyle. It's so much easier to do quick and easy. That crap fuel is so readily available that it makes it hard to remind ourselves the importance of eating good, nutritious food. In my life long quest to find healthier yet tasty things to incorporate onto our table, I found these gorgeous little beauties.

Arnold's Sandwich Thins!!!
(I'm trying to post a pic but am not doing a good job at it so hit the link, k?)

But seriously - these are a best kept secret for sure. So versatile - I use them for sandwiches, burgers, mini pizzas, breakfast sandwiches and more. The best part is they are only 100 calories and made with whole grains, proven with the 5 GRAMS OF FIBER they have. I am insane that I care so much about fiber but I do, I DO!! Fiber is great and we need it in our diets.

That's my life tip from Europa for the um, for the um...time being.

BTW - the pizza I made for lunch today was only about 400 calories. Super easy, super yummy.

I chopped a lg slice of red pepper, onion and garlic - saute in olive oil until onions are translucent.
Add a bundle of roughly shredded and stemmed swiss chard (preferably from my own garden),a
palmful of chopped, fresh basil leaves. Cook until tender.
Add to each slice of bread middle side up 1/4 cup of tomato sauce and a sprinkle (I really mean a sprinkle) of mozz shredded cheese - about 40 cals worth, place atop the cheese a heaping spoon of the swiss chard/basil saute and add another sprinkle of cheese to the top of that.
I added a few pieces of fresh basil to the top of that cheese and baked at 375 until melty with a crispy crust.

I died and went to heaven and then died again. This is vegetarian, vitamin packed and full of fiber and whole grains. All for less than 400 calories. Swear.To.God. And I LOVED it. I felt like I was having a huge lunch and the smaller amount of cheese went a really long way so don't add more thinking you need it because you don't. I will say the chard left a slight, gritty after taste that is normal, but all the other flavors blended so well it made up for that.

I've used these a lot of different ways but the pizza inspired a post out of me. Go and buy these bitches if you're watching your weight but don't want to starve doing so. You won't regret it, I promise.

The secret to Sundays.

Enjoy the little things. Life is full of goodness!

All good things come to an end.

Which, in my opinion, is the really shitty part of life. But in this deep pile of shit there are lessons to be had. Lessons about our hearts, lessons about our weaknesses, and even lessons about our strengths.

I learned of someone's passing yesterday morning on Facebook. Strange, I know, but I will be honest in saying that social networks are my lifeline to the rest of the world. I would be so lonely without them, and I would also have a much cleaner house, but I digress.

Tears started to trickle down my face in disbelief because I live in the world where no one dies and we all get to live happily ever after, my rose colored glasses and I are like peas and carrots, you see. Luckily, the last decade of my life has been free of loss, free of the reality that life is a circle and not an infinite line. I was happy there, but it is not real life. I was painfully reminded of that yesterday.

I surely loved the man that passed, a father of an old friend. A father figure to an entire generation of small town kids. We all flocked to their home, my friends and I, because they were the cool parents that let kids be kids. They gave us their home as a haven to do the things we would have been sneaking off to do anyway. Instead we did it at their house, where they were watching and most definitely keeping an eye out, making sure we had a safe place to find ourselves. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. What a open heart, how extraordinarily generous this was of them to do. Maybe it was so their own kids would be safe under their roof, but whatever the reason I think at the end of the day they cared about all of us more than they meant to. And I am eternally grateful to them for their open door.

I wept for him. I wept for my friend, knowing the daunting task ahead. As one friend put it, he put the sun in the sky for his baby girl, and now she has to lay him to rest. Never to be heard from again on this earth, only memories will keep her safe at night from this day on. My heart broke for her sadness, for her mother's sadness and for the loss of the grandchildren he bounced gleefully on his knee.

And then I started to feel other sadness, the sadness ahead of myself and all of my friends. I felt the heaviness of the years ahead. We will all lose our parents and loved ones near and dear, of that I am certain. I started to get mad and wonder why this has to be a part of life. What is the point of this? What is the point of life at all? Why are we even here........to love so fiercely just to have it taken away? I just don't understand what good comes of this.

I am still not sure. But I know as life progresses, as I move forward with my days, it will all come into focus. There is a pattern to life in general. We all have cycles to live out - some cut short and others too long. I don't understand it, I don't always like it, but darn it all the good stuff is worth it.

I woke up with Abby in my arms this am. I woke up to Emily's laughter (read dramatic cries of injustice!), and Sydney's sleepy saunter into the living room to get her morning dose of toons. I woke up to coffee brewing and the gentle touch of Jamie's arms around me. I am enveloped in love every day I am blessed with a beating heart. Life is so good to me and always gives me what I need and when I need it. I need only to be patient and trust in it.

We do not get to choose when we die, but we do get to choose when we live. I will choose today just like I always do.

RIP James. You touched so many lives without even know it, I imagine. Your angel wings are surely made of gold.

Look who's ONE!

Shine on, Baby. Shine on.

Wow, April has flown by. I am approaching a huge mile stone in a few weeks. Abby is having her first BIRTHDAY!! Can you even imagine a year has gone by already ? I sure can't. What a whirlwind it's been with two in diapers. Emily has been blooming into a naughty. little toddler and Abby's infancy basically slipped through my tired fingers.

All difficulties aside, can I say, in writing, just how freaking adorable my family is? How did this even happen (well, aside from the obvious)? I think back on the last three years and wonder if I was even present? When and who, huh? Who are these children and why are they clinging to my pant leg crying "Mama!'

And three girls. Who gets three girls? I suddenly find myself in a position to work harder, try harder, with no faking my way through it once. I've got to do this three times, I had better pay attention to Sydney. Thank lemons that I have her to help usher me through the thresh hold of premenstrual teens. Can you say O M G? I can't even imagine the payback I am owed. Every time I nag on any issue, I may as well be lecturing my own pre-teen self. The similarities are spooky.

So that's one big day. There are other celebrations ahead of us. In the midst of all the crisis I have in my extended family, my own family is about to achieve a major personal goal. I say family because it involved all of us in small and big ways. We all made changes and sacrifices for Jamie to pursue his doctorate. I am so pleased for him to be reaching the end of that road and start his career. This grueling process is almost behind him and he will soon be able to relax and start to flourish and do what he does best. Think. I am so proud to be his wife and I look forward to watching him fulfill his dreams. He still has a little climbing left to do to establish himself in his field but he's gonna be GREAT!

I do wish that I knew where we were moving but I wouldn't be surprised if we stayed put for a couple more years. It seems like the most logical thing to do at this point. I guess when I know more, which will hopefully be soon, I'll blog. All this excitement! What is a girl to do with it all?

Stay tuned......

Where're we going?

Still.Don't.KNOW!!

I'm starting to get nervous. J is scheduled to graduate in Aug/Sept and still no job. Still no direction. Still no planning to do. More like a waiting. A stand still.

I'm over it. The word between us is try to get a post doc here because moving seems rather overwhelming in light of him writing and defending his thesis, selling a house, and packing a family of FIVE plus cat and dog.

I can't even really think about it in great length or detail lest I get really pissed off that my entire life revolves around SOMEONE ELSE'S DESTINY!! Even if it is my choice to do so. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!

Wishing Well

I'm pulling out any and all karmic favors I may have hovering over me because now is the time. This cancer talk is morbid and scary and makes me want to put my head under the covers and pretend that it isn't happening but reality strikes every time.

His scenario isn't as bleak as originally thought. I had him dead by summer's end. That is a horrible thing to think or say but in the business he's currently in - realistically, but with a whole shit ton of optimism, is the only way to deal with cancer. Doctors and Scientists have made strides in treating cancer and his lucky stars were aligned because he is being treated in Canada.

So...universal health care. You know, a lot of people will talk about how this particular system doesn't work and how people are slipping through cracks - one being my step-father, honestly speaking. I admit, people do fall through the cracks but I would dare say ours are bigger. People in non-emergency situations may not have the best of care but at least they're receiving care. People are refused treatments here if they can't pay for them, even though they're readily available. What's that tell you? My mother would be bankrupt and dead if she had been treated in the U.S., and subjected to our healthcare system. I am not even kidding. Her surgery was performed by a cutting edge surgeon and even then, he had not removed a tumor of that size to date. It would have been considered exploratory here, I imagine, and most likely, not covered.

The prognosis for Brent is looking a lot better, though I think he's having a tough time with the thought of adjusting to the new lifestyle he will need to adopt. The liver cancer is there but might be able to be contained. Apparently they are hoping the radiation/chemo will shrink the size of the cancer, and the specialists in Halifax (where my mom was treated) will have a chance at cutting it out. If they can do that, his liver can re-grow and maybe his chances of survival are a lot higher than we thought, which is great news!!

So I'm standing at the wishing well, throwing in all my pennies and praying that the cancer is treatable. I don't want to see him fade away into nothing before he even turns 50. I don't want this for my mom, who has been having the decade of her life fighting to live. She needs him. We all do. I might not have always felt bonded with my step-father - it's a difficult bond to initiate when you've never had a father. But I love him - for her, if nothing else.

Outcome

My step-father's surgery went well, as expected. They got all of his cancer from his bowel and managed to keep him from having an external waste bag hanging from his side. Thankfully! The kicker is, he has liver cancer, confirmed. They aren't sure the extent his liver has suffered, but less than they had initially thought. Good news is he might die later as opposed to summer. No one is saying this out loud but unless I'm mistaken, he's going to die from this. I don't want to be so matter of fact about it, but the prognosis of most liver cancer patients is not good.

Cancer sucks. I'm in denial and angry about this right now. I'm just not open to this sort of morning right now. Later.

I sound horrible.

Update

Long time no talk in here lately. I attempt posts from time to time but an interruption is always imminent. I'm holding my breath at this moment, wondering when E will need assistance of some kind. Three kids plus three daycare kids equals a lot of effin' kids and I am swamped every afternoon and mornings are well, mornings.

The babies nap on opposite schedules. One would think this was crazy, but no matter combinations I play with, a simultaneous nap is rare lately. It will correct itself eventually, and I'm nearly half way through this sleep deprived era of my life. If I'm being honest, the extra one on one I get with them makes up for never getting much time to myself. As I said, there are a lot of buggers running around here after 2 pm, so they could use some extra mama.

I am in shock that A's first year is nearly over. It's been a whirlwind, to say the very least. Jamie and I have been walking around like freaking zombies anymore it seems. We're always losing an hour here, an hour there. A restful night is more of a tease than anything else, it happens that often. But didn't you hear? Good news!! I'm nearly half way through this era of sleep deprivation!

But I digress.

My extended family, sisters/brother/mom, received some shitty news, if I do say so myself. My step father, the husband of my mom who just endured 5 years fighting cancer, has cancer. Colon and liver. It's not going to be pretty. I guess I'll know more tomorrow after he has 3/4's of his bowel removed and they can get a better look. Chemo for sure, if that's even an option - or worth the effort of getting it. We don't know the actual stage yet, or they aren't sharing with us kids. Either way, we'll know more tomorrow.

I don't understand why this is happening to them. Sometimes life isn't fair, I guess. What other explanation can you even come up with? I'm speechless and I don't know what to expect, but I can read and I've researched enough to know that liver cancer is bad. Very, very bad.

Hasn't my mom lost enough already? When does the shit start rolling down someone else's hill, because frankly? We've had our fill.....not that I want any shit to roll anywhere. I would prefer it just stop.

So that's all I have to say about that. I'm a little angry right now and not sure what to think/feel. I'll post more when I know more.

And now the interruptions begin....so I'm publishing and probably not going to look for errors. So sue me.

Who's that girl.....

I haven't posted pictures of baby A in forever. Time for blogging sort of eludes me lately, when there is time it's not what I'm doing. I do have a cute baby, though.



And she might like cookies.



She likes them a lot actually.



Her smile is adorable....and captivating. We love her.



Did I mention she has the bluest eyes in Texas? I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing it's true.

No focus.

I really have none. I am all over the place with this moving stuff and we still haven't had anything concrete happen. I'm beside myself with stress about our house selling and a job coming together. The move itself will be a nightmare but nothing like the nightmare of not knowing. And to think that I'm the other half of the equation. The stress and pressure that J is feeling must be outfuckingrageous - and it is. To think he has to write and defend his thesis, teach a lab to needy freshman, stroke is crazy boss' ego and work, work, work at the same time he's finding a job and holding his home (and his wife) together so we don't all burst through the seams. It all just seems too crazy to even think about. Most people in our situation aren't toting three kids behind them so the people giving advice really aren't thinking about what we are dealing with as a whole.

I'm freaking out.