Progress

I'm getting better. Energy is returning and I'm remembering what it was like before I was a) carrying a human in my uterus, or b) sustaining another human with my breast.

Holy.

There was a plethora of emotions coming to the surface as our ties were abruptly severed. A loss of our unique bond that confirmed I was hers and she mine was taking its toll on my heart.

Friday I accidentally got drunk. Oooops.

Saturday I felt guilty about getting drunk and was on the verge of tears or in tears nearly all day...and hung over.

Sunday was much the same sans hang over.

Monday. The sun came out. I began running around the house cleaning this and throwing away that. Granted it took me an entire day to clean the kitchen and dining room entirely, or almost entirely. I did not tackle the inside of cabinets, but I was busy working on drawers and floors, redoing the table. Things that had been put off for a loooong time.

It felt good. Light. A description I haven't been inclined to use in over a year.

I wrestle with the notion that Monday was a fluke. My clouds will return tomorrow. Or the next day. I am not out of the woods yet.

Today. My sun is still shining. I'm planting seeds, pulling a weed or two and watering flowers outside. Still purging clutter and freshening up my surroundings. Spending more time playing with the baby and enjoying the moments that come with that down time.

I'm wrestling with the notion that today is also a fluke. I'm skeptical, still believing that my clouds will reappear with great vengeance. I have been struggling in the heart of that deep dark forest praying someone would hear my desperate cries and save me from myself for what seems like months. Waking, eating, sleeping. Existing. Nothing more. Running out of steam as each day passes.

Am I approaching a change? Am I finally seeing a recovery of the mind, so to speak?

I hope so. I have felt the hovering darkness for far too long. It's time for the light to break through and bring me out of the shadows.

I can't even begin to share with you what a relief this is for me.

I am still sad about weaning and will miss our quiet times. But mama is ready for changes. Changes that come through the release of that tie.

I am slowly adapting to the idea of becoming me again. A new me, a me with two kids instead of one. But me none the less.