I'm too sexy for my hair.

I am at a loss for words.....but I have pictures.

A fresh look

She finally went for the short look. It's fresh and light for summer. I really like how it opens up her face. I'd like to keep it this way for a while.

It's not really my choice anymore though.

A lot of people think that she looks like me. I can see the resemblance most every single day. Not only does her face validate shared genes, but the personality is near identical. On days it's like looking into a time machine; one that plays backwards.

Progress

I'm getting better. Energy is returning and I'm remembering what it was like before I was a) carrying a human in my uterus, or b) sustaining another human with my breast.

Holy.

There was a plethora of emotions coming to the surface as our ties were abruptly severed. A loss of our unique bond that confirmed I was hers and she mine was taking its toll on my heart.

Friday I accidentally got drunk. Oooops.

Saturday I felt guilty about getting drunk and was on the verge of tears or in tears nearly all day...and hung over.

Sunday was much the same sans hang over.

Monday. The sun came out. I began running around the house cleaning this and throwing away that. Granted it took me an entire day to clean the kitchen and dining room entirely, or almost entirely. I did not tackle the inside of cabinets, but I was busy working on drawers and floors, redoing the table. Things that had been put off for a loooong time.

It felt good. Light. A description I haven't been inclined to use in over a year.

I wrestle with the notion that Monday was a fluke. My clouds will return tomorrow. Or the next day. I am not out of the woods yet.

Today. My sun is still shining. I'm planting seeds, pulling a weed or two and watering flowers outside. Still purging clutter and freshening up my surroundings. Spending more time playing with the baby and enjoying the moments that come with that down time.

I'm wrestling with the notion that today is also a fluke. I'm skeptical, still believing that my clouds will reappear with great vengeance. I have been struggling in the heart of that deep dark forest praying someone would hear my desperate cries and save me from myself for what seems like months. Waking, eating, sleeping. Existing. Nothing more. Running out of steam as each day passes.

Am I approaching a change? Am I finally seeing a recovery of the mind, so to speak?

I hope so. I have felt the hovering darkness for far too long. It's time for the light to break through and bring me out of the shadows.

I can't even begin to share with you what a relief this is for me.

I am still sad about weaning and will miss our quiet times. But mama is ready for changes. Changes that come through the release of that tie.

I am slowly adapting to the idea of becoming me again. A new me, a me with two kids instead of one. But me none the less.

Hormones?

Dude, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Emotionally speaking I feel as though I just gave birth yesterday! What is up with the fluctuating moods?

Anyway, it feels good to cry a little bit.

Stupid period, stupid breastfeeding, stupid baby making business screws a girl up for sure.

On a lighter side....

I don't know why I didn't take that damn bink out of her mouth....but it just happened that way. Still a great picture of my two beautiful girls.

How am I supposed to feel?

Emily is weaning, not from "milk" entirely, just from me. She is now drinking formula and lots of it.

She's hit her 6th month spurt recently and I am having supply issues, have been for the last month or so. No matter the length of time nursing or the frequency, my ability to make extra is failing me. So, after a screaming fit at 11:00 pm the other night and my inability to calm her, I made a bottle. She drank 3 oz in 3 seconds flat and passed out. The next day I had J pick up a can of the same formula just for supplementing purposes. I wanted to see if this was a one time deal or am I going to be able to give her one of these regularly to give myself a break. Turns out she'd rather the bottle now. And I don't know how to feel about this.

She's still kinda nursing a bit, but not really. Not for lack of trying, though. Oh, I imagine I could just not make the bottles and let her be satisfied with my meager supply and listen to her wail all day long like I have been for the last month. Or I could just let it happen.

Why am I so ridiculously sad? Tears are welling in my eyes right now because I know in my heart that our nursing relationship is coming to an end. And so fast. A week ago I was in for the long ride, my new goal was 1 year. I felt like I had come a long way since my initial thinking of 3 months. Now all of the sudden she's setting the pace and I'm not ready for this. It's not supposed to happen yet.

Then again, I am ready. I am ready to allow her a tighter bond with her father. Our bond is cemented and now it's his turn to strengthen his while I sit back and watch her gain independence and expand her boundaries.

Pros of forcing the issue are the health benefits, obviously. All the information available on breastfeeding stresses 1 year, or more, if you can. The convenience of having her food always ready all the time is huge. I never need to carry anything but myself, a change of clothes and a diaper or two. That's it.

The pros of allowing this change is my own independence. A little bit of me can resurface. Maybe I can start to get more sleep. I'm to the point right now that I can't sleep when I am supposed to. I'm so tired at the end of the day but when I turn in for the night there is no sleep going on. I can't leave her for any length of time. Not that I'm ready to take off for the night but if I want to take S to check out the yard sales on Saturday morning and take her to lunch, I can do so without watching the clock. She could use a little more time with her mom and a little less I'm sorry, but your sister needs me home.

I can't help but feel such a strong emotional pull to continue nursing and get back on track. I am hesitant to let this time pass us by so quickly. I'm just sad, sad, sad.

I don't feel holding her back will work, so I am going to let her wean because I think she's ready and I think deep down so am I, at least on a physical level. She's happier, she's sleeping better and she'll still be healthy regardless of our breastfeeding status. But it's hard on poor mama. My eyelids are heavy from crying. Something I haven't been able to do in months. Not sure why I couldn't ever let the tears flow, I know on many occasion I sure needed a good bawl over the last 6 months, it just wouldn't ever come. Perhaps I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop once I got started, I don't know.

Anyway, that's the news here at the house of the crazy lady. I'm sure I'll get through this with my sanity still in tact. It's just hard saying goodbye. I was the only one available to provide her with such comfort and sustenance and now that time is coming to a close. It's just the beginning of the inevitable whirlwind...your children grow up in what seems like an instant. Before I know it she'll be walking and talking and this time will be a old, but precious memory. :-(

Crunchy Munchy!!

Summer is my favorite time of year for many reasons. New York, well The Finger Lakes, are home to numerous state parks loaded with spectacular hiking trails and waterfalls, which is partly the reason I agreed to move to this area. I'm a sucker for nature and this place seemed like New England's mecca of sorts. That and my husband's PhD. is coming from Cornell University. An offer that neither of us could afford to pass up.

All this aside, another reason I love summer is because of the growing season. There are a lot of farmer's markets around here where you can buy nutritious organic produce, but why buy when you can grow your own. And that is what we do. The first year we lived here (in our house, that is) we didn't have much to brag about other than a small patch of tomato plants. There wasn't any time to plant on a larger scale because our back yard was one giant overgrown mess and we didn't end up moving until July.

The second summer I had cleared much of the upper level of the back yard and we began digging the earth, preparing it for growing lots of yummy vegetables. I was pregnant last year though, so I wasn't of much help. Even still our garden was much better than the previous year except for the ground hog that ate our watermelon and pumpkin plants, broccoli, beans, beats, spinach...you get the idea. The only thing he truly left untouched was our tomato and green pepper. He didn't eat our strawberries either, but we have a dog that ate those. Go figure. This is what it looked like early on.

The bushes to the right of the garden are red currants and black raspberries. The dog liked those, too. We have blueberry bushes as well. Luckily those are not in the fenced in area....so we got to eat lots of blueberry pancakes and muffins.

So far we've he has turned the ground and seeded our cold weather crops.


This year we are taking a new approach. I don't want to capture the ground hog and move him from his home, I don't want to harm him in any way, we just want him to stay the hell away from our food. So....we are fencing the garden in this year. The hubby even worked his butt off digging a small trench around the garden to deter the wittle waskly gwound hog from digging this way into our oasis of fresh goodies. The hubby has also lengthened and widened the garden from last year. I want more stuff and he insists on growing corn. So...I insisted on more garden.

It's finally starting to take shape and evolve into the garden we want for the rest of our time here. Only two more summers and we'll be moving and hopefully starting this process all over again. The people who buy our house when the time comes will probably hate gardens and throw grass seed down. Oh wouldn't that just be the way the story goes. Anyhow...this is the garden so far. I'll put more pictures up when things start to grow...and I'll throw in a few of the flowers I'll be planting around the yard, too.

For good measure....one more of the garden...with a cute little baby in the middle.

Mile Marker

I've been breastfeeding you 6 months now. That means you're 6 months old. Oh, where has the time gone, little one. Really? In the midst of all the sleepless, never ending nights you have turned into this little baby. No longer an infant, but a sweet little baby that interacts and takes in the world with enthusiasm and wonder.

Boy do you love your mama. When you're lonely you want me, when you're tired you want me, when you're sick you want me, when you're happy you want me. You just want me all the time. Our bond with one another is very strong and I truly believe that breastfeeding has played a major role in that. I hadn't the slightest notion that I would nurse you the entire first year of your life and now that you're half way there it just seems like the natural thing to do. To be honest, I can't really see us doing anything else and feel a bit sorrowful when I think of the inevitable weaning.

Lately, with gentle coaxing, you have started to acknowledge other people in your tiny circle. Daddy is no longer just part of the decor, you are finally showering him with smiles and attention. It's nice seeing your bond with him mature into something special. It's your daddy that's going to be your everything in the coming years. He's the one who will be getting out the Easy Bake on a Saturday morning while mama sleeps in. He's the one who will be giving you piggy back rides and endless horsey rides. He's the one who will protect you, provide for you and love you with every single fiber of his being. Mama will be there, too. I'll be loving, protecting and providing but it will be much different for you and your adoring father. And I'm grateful for that relationship and feel lucky that I get to watch that take shape and blossom into something beautiful.

You're an active baby, constantly bouncing, grabbing, pulling and touching everything within reach. I'm cherishing the days of keeping you contained because once you're mobile there will be no stopping you.

You love to eat. When it comes to food you mean business. Whether it be breast feeding, snacking on a cracker, or eating one of your meals you always do it with vigor. It's fascinating to watch you enjoy all the new flavors. You like everything and are always eager to try new things.

Intense would be a good description for you, little one. Everything you do is whole hearted, be it laughing or crying, you give it your all. I love your determination and think of you as an all or nothing kind of kid. We'll work on the all being your best qualities later, hopefully.

Sleep? Who needs sleep. Certainly not you. I think once you woke up out of your month long newborn slumber and saw that there was more than amniotic fluid and umbilical cords to look at you decided you're eyes were better off open. I am all day putting you down for cat naps because you sleep so lightly and for such short periods of time. You still aren't really that close to sleeping through the night yet, but you do go to bed easily for me. You just like to wake up and you'd prefer if I just let you sleep with me and nurse any old time you wanted to. I do love having you close to me but I'm not much of a co-sleeper long-term, so I'm trying to keep you from getting to used to sleeping next to mama.

You have shown me just how much love can grow. Life just seems fuller with you around, not just for me, but for all of us, including your big sister. She has told me more than once how much she loves you and is quick to protect you, even from me if she deems necessary. It's really quite endearing. I love that you have such a great kid for a big sister and role model. Hopefully you two will be there for one another as my sisters are for me.

I hope the next 6 months are as fun and eventful as the last have been. Something tells me life with you will never be boring my sweet little girl. We love you.