Long time no see....

Here I am!!  I thought about this little space of web today and said to myself, "I really should write something".  So here I am with a short update on life, bipolar, and finding a balance. 

After last year's hospital stay, I was put on Depakote and hopeful that it would work better for me than Lithium.  Unfortunately, that was a big fat no, but I gave it 6 months just to be sure.  Sometimes, you level out and start to feel a little more like yourself with some time.  Many naps later, and what felt like depression, along with 20 lbs I didn't want, I was switched to Lamictal. 

Since then, I've felt a million times better.  I can sleep at the appropriate times, wake up when it's time, and I'm not a walking zombie just getting by.  Lamictal eases the depression and makes room for a little JOY!!  I have to be super careful in times of happiness, stress, and change since my trigger is so short.  It only takes a couple of days in a manic state to bring on another episode of psychosis.  But this month marks one year of regulated moods with medication. 

Two years ago, I was just a moody person with the propensity to dwell on the hardships at times.  I was what you would call pre-bipolar.  Sort of like pre-diabetic.  Then my life was uprooted, financial stress, and grief was handed to me more than once and BOOM!!  Bipolar I was triggered.  The shifting of moods is much greater and more of a challenge to work through than before, but I'm doing it.  One day at a time, and with much more awareness than I've ever had. 

I still have racing thoughts, I still worry more than one person should, any social uneasiness, structural changes to my day, all send me for a bit of a loop.  The beautiful thing is now I am aware of the symptoms.  I can manage them appropriately.  When it gets to be too much, I take time for decompressing.  All it takes is a 30 minute break for me to adjust my sails and find a better place. 

I can't help but think that I must be one of the lucky ones.  I take one medication, anxiety is minimal, my moods are bearable and I work hard at not allowing my shifts to bleed into my interactions with my friends and family.  I'm not perfect at this.  It is a challenge having kids to tend to.  Three daughters is no cake walk at times.  But I feel like I have a handle on what seemed to be one of the most difficult trials of my life so far. 

There is still the stigma, the fear of people knowing about my disorder, judgment, and lack of understanding that goes along with my diagnosis. 

People are not educated on mental health.  They will label you, they will blame you for every single bump in your relationship.  It's not fair to say that every single disagreement stems from my disorder.  My feelings are just as important as the next persons and blaming bipolar is just an excuse not to take responsibility for bad behavior.  However, I am an apologizing fool.  I own my shit and expect that I will make mistakes, be more sensitive, act without thinking from time to time.  I am aware of the challenges I face to have healthy interaction.  I take the appropriate steps to keep my bipolar in check, but I can't be sure that it won't be met with the understanding and compassion, therefore, I don't share with anyone but my immediate family and close friends who were there when it all fell apart.

On a completely unrelated topic.....family update:  we finally found a house, closed, and recently moved into our own space.  A home.  A place for us to settle and finally throw down roots that have been waiting to be watered so they can start to grow again.  I couldn't be happier or more content with the end result of our move to Maine.  Go us!!  The husbands job is going well, Zumba is still happening, the kids are finally settled into their own lives with friends and a strong connection to our new location.  I couldn't be more relieved. 

And in true ADD fashion.....the structure of my writing is horrible and I often take you all kinds of places.  But I think you get the idea. 

Facing forward...

In my heart, I'm proud of myself for making it this far.  I've done a lot of damage in the past and have lived with the consequences, guilt and shame of those times for many years and thought I was just a bad person. 

I'm not a bad person.  I didn't make those choices because I was thoughtless and out of control selfish.  I have an illness.   An illness that has cemented and laid a pretty thick foundation of insecurities, anxiety, and worry. I thought this was normal and this was just who I was.  I was different from most people only because I was different. 

About 10 years ago I put myself in therapy and worked through and modified some serious behavior issues that were causing havoc in my life.  I took deep breathes when I got angry, I learned to communicate better, I took myself out of situations that would trigger behavior that I was not proud of (mostly).  That's a huge step in the recovery and balance of having this disease.  It's also the reason I was in utter disbelief that I was even "mentally unwell" to begin with.  I had the courage and determination to pull myself out of a pit and have forged ahead a better person.  A person I can be proud of.

My heart is proud, so how come my head doesn't follow suit? 

A symptom of bipolar disorder that has plagued me heavily is racing thought patterns.  I relive my mistakes, I over inflate my obstacles and degrade myself for lack of strict discipline or drive to find something I love to do and stick with it. 

Because of the normal person sets out to find their thing and GOES AND DOES IT with much success. 

I haven't been able to do that yet.  Notice I say yet.  There is a hope inside of me.  There is also a realistic view of my real time situation.  Stress is a major trigger for your brain to pull a switch on you and throw you into mania or depression.  Is it unrealistic of me to think that a fulltime, meaningful career in the fitness biz, being the best mom I can to three girls, and supporting my husband as he builds his career a lofty goal.  Or am I putting too much pressure on myself? 

Pressure, stress, not being able to juggle on the things I put on my plate is a recipe for disaster.  It could mean more hospitalizations, it could mean more damage to my kids, it could mean a crack in the foundation of my marriage. 

So maybe, just maybe.....I will close myself off from the normal expectations, the façade that women can and should be able to do it all successfully and brilliantly and just do what I can in that day.  Be proud of what that is and know my limits.  Doing more than I should can and will mostly likely trigger mania, which for me, quickly turns into psychosis. 

One of the scariest dangers a person with bipolar faces is the risk of suicide.  The last time I was in psychosis and thought I was on a mission to save the world, I drank something that could have been dangerous, I was lucky.  I was so lucky.  I had thoughts of taking my entire bottle of anti-psychotics during this episode, also.  Not because I was sad or felt like a failure, but because I was having delusions that I had been chosen to ring the bell so to speak, to spark the rapture (don't even get me started on my potential PTSD from fear taught religion OMG).   

So facing forward....it is my goal to be kind to myself, even if that means all day reminding myself to stop the bashing.  Not to expect others to be kind or understand my situation.  I don't need to explain, I don't need to justify what I need.  I don't need to go beyond my boundaries because another person needs or wants my support and help.  It is my goal to take care of my kids and love them.  It is my goal to support my husband and keep my marriage strong because I am lucky that his love, while quiet and often times unexpressed, runs very deep.  It is my goal to allow my journey in a new town to unfold slowly and deliberately.  No need to overwhelm, no need to accomplish things all at once, and no need to prove to anyone but me that I can do this.

I love sharing here.  My writing is kinda like barfing.  I don't have a system, I don't proofread or try to make it perfect.  I don't think long and hard about what I want to say, I just start thinking and there it is.  My brain vomit.  I'm as crazy as you think I am, and now it's official. 

Summer vacation!

Yesterday was the last day of school for the two little ones and Monday for Sydney.  I'm happy to report that all three were fairly happy with the end of year.  Sydney had some sad moments, so did I.  This was her 8th grade graduation year and she lined up with people she's only known for 6 months.  It was heartbreaking to watch her silently wish she had been with her friends in NY, sharing the same FB worthy moments they were having with each other. 

It totally get it too because I have those same exact moments with my own circle of friends I had there.  We miss them. 

I've been reading a lot of on-line information about bipolar disorder and what I am facing.  Or rather what I've always been facing, but with a few tools and knowledge that might give me some insight as to how best manage my illness. 

Is it possible to actually feel worse?  Un-medicated life just seemed more fun.  There was more anxiety, also.  I'm hoping that with time, and a different mind-set that I can accomplish what will feel right for me.  I've been taking a serious look in the mirror at my self medicating (something I've done for years - I just figured I was a high-functioning/borderline alcoholic.  Turns out that individuals with bipolar often use substances to cope with stress.  That description pretty much sums me up, but it does for an addict also.  Ya know? 

The underlying difference is that I have experience true mania.  There is absolutely no doubt what my episode was since it led to psychosis.  Twice.  I've decided that I don't exhibit the stereotype symptoms of extreme mood swings that others may show..  I do often change moods, I can be extremely irritable, I can become very high and very low.  But I don't consider myself out of the normal scope of how others show their emotions day to day, it's just that mine change more frequently.  It's harder for me to deal with conflicting issues.  I have racing thoughts and my speech can become forced. 

I just don't consider myself to be living a life of torment and chaos that others describe.  I've also read that each and every individual is different.  I can be high functioning with bipolar now but it might not be so if I overdo stress, continue to self medicate (I've been doing great, but not perfect with this recently), do not follow a treatment plan, and make keep my body and mind running as optimally as I possibly can. 

An eye opener for me was reading the experiences people had with discipline and following through on their dreams - how depression, lack of focus, anxiety and running had been obstacles for many. 

It helped me to see that I have always had a challenge in front of me that was beyond my control.  There might be a way to fix it, and maybe with hard work and patience, the right doctors, the right behavior.....I might be able to find the balance between mother, wife and the person I would like to become that is separate from all that. 

We'll see....

 

Move complete!

We made it into our new house and Abigail's 6th birthday party with decent results.  I won't say I was a walking cloud of calm the entire time, but I kept moving forward each day.  I've unpacked and sorted (again) about 85% of our household belongings.  Some of our things were still packed from the previous move last November.  Some of it is packed into storage still. 

I had a dream about moving last night.  I know this uncertainty and lack of control has been a huge factor in my ability to handle every day stresses.  This rock has been sitting on our back ever since Dee was diagnosed with cancer a year ago.  It's been heavy since then. 

I decided the best thing for me to do right now is figure out meds, focus on family, and workout with something different most days of the week to learn.  Then a dash of Zumba classes to get my name exposed to people.  Patience has never been a virtue of mine and maybe that's why I'm always faced with situations that keep me immobile, or have me take steps backwards because the first round was a training for what's to come.  It's not my job to figure it all out today.  Let's just call this planning mode since I don't feel stable enough in my day to day to take on any more than what's in front of me. 

I've been told that I'm not here for the sprint, it's the marathon that's going to really matter.

On a more uplifting note, I could live here forever.  I chose this place a long time ago. While it's a different home for me now, I'm grateful to be back in the arms of the Maine coast.  Soaking in the energy of all that is attracted to this place.  I didn't see a cardinal all winter long, but the first day we moved into our new (AMAZING) rental, there were a pair sitting right on the bushes by the driveway, unaffected by my showing up to bask in their sun.  I was so happy in that moment. 

I've been happy in many moments though.  I haven't been writing here since we left the other house but this was a great move.  We are paying more for this house but having it located in town is a blessing.  Lots and lots of walking, bike riding, park visiting, library, shops, good restaurants, post office, therapy, yoga, school....the list could be larger but you get the idea.  It's an old meets new Victorian house with lots of space and charm.  Everyone has settled in nicely, even me. 

I managed a really nice family dinner and home made dessert for Abby's birthday.  We had a great gathering last Sunday afternoon.  It was the first time both sisters and their families came to my home for a meal and in THAT moment, I felt normal.  Like I wasn't on the outside looking in. 

Though the beginning has been rocky, I realize that it's the beginning.  Just like a flower that closed in the darkness...I will bloom in my own timing and in my own way.  Hopefully into a more beautiful one with each new coming moment. 

Seriously though, having my bipolar disorder fully express itself was something I didn't see coming until it happened.  Even the name of this blog that's been in circulation on and off for only knows how long, indicated a flash.  I wonder how this will be used in my life?  All is our guru and if I'm lucky, I'll be able to use it as a positive to help others.  This is my intention, to manage this as best I know how and live the best life I absolutely can.  But it won't happen overnight I don't think.

A blessing for today.

It seems like having a really good, but non manic day is the gift I'm hoping for each day when I get up.  We are moving into a new rental this weekend.  I've been running back and forth all day getting things, cleaning, unpacking boxes that have been sealed for months, organizing Jim's mess from bringing stuff over last weekend, and trying not to look at the shambles all around because I know that this too shall pass. 

Yesterday was so sad.  I try to explain how I feel to Jim and he's a no go with emotion.  I need to hear he wants to take this on together.  It feels like he doesn't even realize the seriousness of needing to know exactly how much he needs me.  I worry about this, it's real and can consume me if I let it.  He's said a few things this year that hit hard.  One was the money thing I wrote about yesterday.  The other was when we first moved and I was having a fun party night with my sister. 

"I should leave you."

I have abandonment issues that stem all the way back to when my mom chose to raise my siblings but graciously gave me to her mother so it could be easier on us both.  That had to of not been easy.  I acknowledge the reasons, but the scars remain and whenever faced with a situation that mimics any thing remotely like abandonment before I'm ready for a separation....I fall into depression. 

Those words haven't left me yet.  *sigh*

I'm pretty level today but that's kind of the way I roll.  When duty calls I can ignore all the craziness that sits inside of my brain and focus on life that needs to be lived.  I'm assuming for this weekend I should be okay. 

Another ride.

Life can certainly change in a moment.  One day you think your path is clear before you, and another minute it's like everything you ever thought you were is completely different.

I had a really hard Friday.  The paranoia and panic attacks were so unbearable that I absolutely had to drink a few and smoke half a pack of cigarettes just to get by.  I lost a total of 5 hours of sleep in just two days and was borderline psychotic.  Again.

I'm happy to say that I reached out for help from Jamie.  Attempting suicide is only a few missteps away.  One moment of resolve is all it will take, one time when my courage is greater than my fear of death.  My delusions are so out of control in my manic phases that I can't function or see anything but signs about the coming of Jesus and my apparent role in this all going down.  The hero, the right hand of the one true King.  It's very heavy to carry this load and it's not even just the delusions that are heavy.  It's put my family in a good bit of financial hard ship that is all my fault.

I sometimes feel like everyone would be safer without me and their lives better.  Jim's reaction to my emergency room visit when I first went in this last episode was "do you know how much this is going to cost?"  I wouldn't talk because I felt in my delusions that talking would spoil the master plan and I didn't think it was safe to talk.  We are still paying off the last stay of $1500.00.  This new one comes with a large deductible and 20% of the costs of hospital stay for 7 days.  Two days in emergency care, a CT scan, and 6 days inpatient at Acadia.

It's not easy for me to find myself worthy of a pedicure, much less thousands of dollars because I'm nuts.

Where did the good feelings go?

I'm not sure Jim loves me enough to take this on.  I know he loves me, he wants the best for his kids.  But I'm not sure he can do this long term.  I've always been the rock and he's been able to go to work and feel safe that our home was run somewhat smoothly.  Just getting kids to school and supper on the table is a major event.  My classes are doing awful, I'm not making any money at all and I feel like a waste of space.  I'm a fine instructor with good things to offer but that has to take limited space since managing this illness has to take priority. 

Sometimes it's not so hard to find value, but when I think of all the trouble this new illness is causing I find it very tiresome.  Who is going to want to put up with this?  Even on medication I'm all over the place.  My kids need their mom.  If I didn't have my kids I probably would already have succeeded in just 6 short months of having this disease. 

I'm lost today. 

I don't want to give up at all, but I'm having a moment where I wonder if I'm worth it. 

Today has been such a good day.  I can't describe what it feels like to discover something about yourself, about your life, that allows focus and drive.  I've had amazing ideas throughout my career as a fitness professional and saw some of them to fruition but really lacked a personal fortitude to get anywhere.  Maybe it is because I was living the dream that was not mine, and maybe my town was just not big enough to go BIG and support a business. 

That dream sharing plays into the empathic qualities I have.  I was literally living the life and setting the goals someone else had and forgot all about my own.  I wasn't happy, I was resentful, I was exhausted, and I was steering down a road of resistance.  It wasn't mine, I didn't want it. 

What do I want? 

I want it all. 

I don't want to be *just* a Zumba instructor anymore.  I want that to be what makes me shine, I want to use that as part of a business that excels because it's what I'm good at.  But ultimately, I can't do it all.  I'd like to gather, create, inspire a team of really great fitness professionals.  Each of us having our unique offering that really brings out the best in them and RUN WITH THAT as a team. 

I have recently taken up CrossFit.  I haven't been so excited about something since Zumba.  It's really tapped into a side of me that has been lacking and will be what I believe, what makes me stronger than ever.  I love this style of training, I love this class and I want to be a fucking beast.  You mark my words man.  I'm going to rip myself into a sculpted machine and I'm not even sorry about that. 

In January, I began taking yoga classes with a unique and amazing person.  I love her style, I love her intuitive nature and her ability to take care of her class by being completely open and channeling her love for yoga to the students in the room.  The energy that resides within her space after a class has been inspiring and I'm taking care of something I've needed for a long time.  Stretching.  I need to lengthen to strengthen.  She leads from the heart, much like me and "knows" how to take her energy and place it into the hearts of those around her. 

I'm not the best dancer, but my energy during a class is difficult to describe when I'm tapping into that.  It can't be copied unless you're willing to really open up into your love source and let it flow freely.  I can't do this all week long, I need to do things for me, and share myself with limits.  If I do not do this, I become unhappy and unbalanced.  My new mantra is all about finding what makes ME happy and doing just that.  Part of that is being the best mother and wife I can possibly be, as well as friend to few, as well as personal trainer, business partner, Zumba instructors. 

My circle is going to become a lot smaller.  My real friends will get the best and my students will get Zumba.  I can't be a best friend to every student even though my heart is drawn into that place.  The healer, the fixer, the one that wants everyone to feel happy because it's too much to see another feeling down.

The consequences of such is a person who absolutely can't function.  I'm pulled into so many directions that I lose all happiness of my own and fall into depression.  If I'm happy, just being in a room with me makes you feel better.  You may not even know it, but somehow....if it's in my power, I will make you feel special and important.  I am damn good at Customer Service.  I aim to please people. 

So how does that sound?  Are my goals mine?  Do I sound happy?  I will admit that my emotions are a little bouncy here and there but the new medication creates a more balanced approach.  I can talk about my ideas with clarity and focus.  In my head, I'm not a cocky bitch one minute, worst individual ever the next.  Am I cocky?  Oh hell to the yes.  After years and years of self loathing I think I deserve just a little bit of YOU AREN'T JUST BARELY GOOD ENOUGH - YOU KICK ASS!!!  I have goals in place and I'm working towards becoming a unique leader who works well with others and shares her ideas to the betterment of all those who share my love for fitness.  It's not all one thing or nothing, it's a mix of three unique workouts, each designed to compliment and enhance the performance of each one.  Ellsworth didn't see me coming.....and that's fine by me.  Once they know I'm here they will surely know my name.  I'm going for gold this time.  Finally a town big enough for a girl like me. 

I feel better now. HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Yes, I'm crazy.

It's funny what a couple of days away and a little hope can do for a soul.  My last post was a debbie downer, but you know, it has to come out some place because I feel like no one listens, sometimes. 

Communication is such a tricky business.  Jim and I have undergone months upon months of stress this last decade.  That's a lot of frigging months. 

At the end of the day we are a tight unit.  Almost as tight as my buns, but not quite.  Yes, I just said that.  I'm not even sorry.  I have worked hard at re-shaping and re-defining myself, body, mind and soul.   I'm here to toot my own fucking horn once in a while dammit. 

It's kind of overwhelming to find out about a new venture into the world of mental health amongst a 10 minute bitch session.  I have to admit, I was so pissed the first time I was hospitilized.  The meds were wrong and I was so drugged up.  I had gone in at a svelt 120 lbs.  Came out with 10 extra, no muscle coordination and a huge cloud above my head. 

When I think back on it, I've been right on the cusp of going over the edge many years.  I believe a hyper active thyroid and per-menopause have given me a big push towards needing medication. 

The second hospitilization was a much different experience with different drugs and listening doctors.  I could cry just thinking about how grateful I am that I have a mild case and will probably manage it just fine with some good self care and low dose medication.  This is not the case for all. 

I am definitely what you would call Empath.  And what that means is just someone who's extremely sensitive to all emotions around them.  Sometimes I can even feel pain if I'm closely connected with you, this is new since finding the cause of my roller coaster.  If Jim loses his shit I'm done.  Can't function.  Same with my kids and the friends I let in my circle of trust.   It's part of the reason I've been such a hot mess for the entirety of my life.  It's so funny to open these new presents and say, OOOHHHHHH!!!  It's common for highly empathic individuals to be diagnosed bipolar, and not always bipolar individuals who are Empaths.  It's not your typical cocktail, or maybe it is.  It will be tricky finding exactly what I need to thrive, but I'm hoping with good a good doctor, a good psychiatrist, and therapist, I'll succeed in getting what I need.  I have a trusted therapist and she has recommended a doctor to me.  I'm 2/3 of the way there.  The psychiatrist was referred to me by my inpatient team and I trust their judgement.  I think they do tend to listen, but you have to get their attention.  That's not something I have trouble doing.  Yes, I said that too.  People take notice when I take a seat.  They might think I'm a total moron, but they do take notice.  This I know!  Yes...TOOOT TOOOT! 

I'm in the middle of dinner and have to go, but this is something to chew on so you don't die of agony waiting for the next musing.  All 10 of you.  Or so. 

Have a great week, friends. 

Love,
Ropa

You definitely want to read this.

Sometimes, I just feel like throwing in the towel.  How many years have to go by, how many times do I get up after falling, only to receive another broken plate. 

I'm so fucking tired. 

I don't mean to sound ridiculous.  I mean, it is Easter and Jesus did die on the cross for my sins and rose from the grave only to find a world full of ungrateful, unbelieving sons a bitches.  I know that my problems are pale in comparison to others.  But right now I'm talking about me and if you don't like the pity party, then I suggest you find another blog to read. 

I'm having a rough day.  Jim and I are experiencing the hardest financial struggle that outweighs even our leanest of times.  And it's always been lean.  It's always been a struggle.  One would think that first job you land after 10 years of graduate school and post docs would be the break in the ice.  A little reward with a nice rainbow to go with it. 

Unfortunately, we have a shitty realtor selling our house that we dumped a shit ton of money into making a home.  We chose her because she was local to our town and it's been the biggest mistake ever.  If we could have one serious buyer that had enough money to give us the very minimum of what we need to move on we would bend. It's killed our savings and put us in a pretty decent sized hole of debt. 

I am still plugging away at Zumba and making NOTHING because I'm paying more than my fair share of rent.  I have no choice but to bend over because I have to start somewhere.  I started selling essetial oils for a MLM company trying to figure out one more way to pay the bills because I need more training, more knowledge to be taken seriously in the fitness industry.  I also love essential oils and use them daily for lots of different things from stress relief to allergy med alternatives.  I have found my passion in life but I feel like I'm climbing a wall that just keeps getting higher and higher. 

I spent the last 14 years supporting Jim in his career choices and now I feel guilty because we are struggling so bad, but I want my piece of cake, too.  I want to be home for the kids and work for myself because I feel like if I'm my own boss I can at least be in charge of appreciating my damn self since no one else seems to get it.  I've sold myself short for so many years waiting for others to value the person I am only to be found wanting. 

Shitty friends, unappreciative co-workers, ungrateful family and seldom hear from anyone but strangers or acquaintances that I really made a difference in their day.  Not all, don't take offense, but I only have a few really good ones who haven't at some point or other let me down so bad trust was broken. 

I serve people and it gives me great pleasure to make another smile.  I just want someone to make me smile, too. 

How many selfish people does it take to change a light bulb?  None, they're gonna wait for me to do it, because it's what I always do. 

I am blessed with three amazing kids.  I have a wonderful husband who has a good base for a career and he doesn't beat me or isn't an alcoholic and is a good father.  I am grateful for these things.  But honestly, I follow him around constantly looking for some sign that he's in love with me enough to show signs of affection.  I need to be hugged and kissed and want strong connections.  I don't need money, I need love and lots of it.  I can't help that I want these things.  I try to accept who he is and I realize he shows love in his own way but it's not easy to lack something I've been waiting my whole life to receive.  Thank goodness for my young girls.  They do love me and show me a lot of love and I soak it up in the brief moments it occurs, when I'm not keeping them from stabbing each other in the eye ball with a fork. 

Raising three daughters is a daunting, exhausting, and exhilarating task.  I love doing it, but guess who'll get the credit when it's all said and done.  The front man.  Dr. Hagarman, what a rock for his family, providing and loving them into confident and courageous women. Guess all the laundry, endless hours of brushing hair and wiping asses, hugging when duty calls, making the tough choices to keep them empathic and grounded women means nothing.  This shit ain't easy. 

In the side lines there's me, the servant.  Did you know she doesn't even work, what a lazy bitch.  She must be on Facebook all day or something.  A newly diagnosed bipolar and self proclaimed empath who has struggled for years taking on everyone's problems to the point of two hospitalizations in one year. 

That's what this has come to for me and I'm so very tired of grabbing the short straw.  It just seems to get worse no matter how much effort I put in. 

How bad is it that I felt happier in the hospital than out?  I made a difference in there.  I brushed an elderly woman's hair and made her feel pretty even though her kids won't even speak to her.  I showed a former heroine addict that she still had what it takes to jog around the court and could do whatever she decided to do.  I gave a lonely 21 year old boy a few days of feeling special by getting attention from his new inpatient cougar "girlfriend".  We set boundaries since I was married, but he never stopped smiling for the whole 5 days and promised me he'd take a shower the day I left.  I hugged a young girl who suffered severe anxiety and let her think she gave me new coping skills by sharing her love for coloring and hugging her stuffed animals.  I danced in the hall with a homeless woman and she laughed so hard and told me how cute I was, just cute cute cute she said.  She then told everyone to go to hell and fuck off but that's beside the point.

I helped those people feel more human and loved with everything I had for that one week.  I shared and listened.  I submersed myself in bipolar, schizophrenia,  PTSD, and homelessness.  I left my family to my amazing husband and he did a great job and I felt appreciated for just a few days.  It was great.  Turns out the broken plates are the best ones to be around.  It's all these pretend perfect plates that get on my fucking nerves. 

And now I'm out and I can't use any of my favorite coping skills aside from exercise.  No wine, no weed, no praying (psychosis makes me want to save the world from hell).  And we are in the middle of a shit storm and at each others throats at the very mention of money. 

I really hope this passes soon and I hope that stupid fucking realtor sells our house.  I'm so sick of people not doing their job and I'm sick of dinks. 

You wouldn't believe the year I've had.

And it's funny....because one year ago I was dreaming of my own fitness studio.  Today, I'm in Maine, not teaching at all and I'm hanging onto my own fitness by a thread. 

I'm doing it but I'm not inspiring a soul, least of all myself.  I'm keeping at it a little every day, each week....skipping a day here and a day there for whatever reason but a far cry from the condition I was in the beginning of summer. 

I'm broken right now.  I know what to do, but I can't seem to drag myself up from the ashes to do it. 

I've had quite a difficult 6 months.  I can't even speak of it all here because it's so incredibly private and still something I can't talk about.  Every time I do try and talk about it, it's difficult for people and they have a hard time understanding it and it makes them very uncomfortable. 

And then there is the part where Dee (my birth mom) has a return fight with cancer and loses.  We buried her the beginning of October, right smack dab in the process of our move home.  I wanted to be close and hoped for a few months.  I wanted 6 months.  And I wanted to be here when she was at her worst to support her and my sisters.  She died before I could get here. 

And I'm picking up all the pieces of this summer and trying to put them back together but the puzzle has changed.  So I have to figure everything out again and either give up on the goals I had and get a job like the rest of the world, or I have to start again and make a name for myself.  I've already been shot down by the only facility who even offers Zumba classes.  Since, at the moment, that's all I'm qualified to do.  So.....I have to find another venue or keep pushing myself into the YMCA and hope that eventually something opens up for me.  In the meantime, I should be listening to new music and gathering new songs and practicing my old.  But I'm struggling.  I get excited one day and a door closes. 

This town is much larger than my previous home.  If I can get my hands on a space, or a class of my own in a gym....someplace.....it will snow ball.  But it's up to me to be focused and define my goals.  But also I have to define myself a little clearer and be more disciplined if I want to succeed.

I should be in here writing.....even though it's jumbled and you have no clue where I'm at.....it's okay. 

I do. 

One door has squeeked open...

I have a business plan and a meeting with the owner of the proposed studio site.  I have a new training in December.  Training in Body Flow - a Tai Cheng, Yoga, Pilates combination that will hit three birds with one stone.  This class will be a huge stride towards a well rounded class schedule for the community. 

Also, I have an educated and amazing new friend who will head up a program for the retired community, focusing on health plans and exercise for those over 50.  She had Cornell's program for several years and gained 200 new members in two years.  I think she's going to be fantastic. 

My partner and I will both get Group X certifications and Body Flow.  We currently are licensed and insured to teach Zumba, Zumba Toning, ZumbAtomic, Dance for children, and Les Mills Body Pump.  I think we are going to knock the socks off our little town with our new business idea.  Just gonna stay positive and keep moving through whatever doors decide to open.  It's always been as easy as that for me.  Doors open that are meant to be, the ones that stay shut are supposed to anyway.  I trust this process explicitly.

The huge draw back to having dreams....

My mind simply never seems to shut off.  Lately, I have been going through a lot of emotional growth and changes.  Two steps forward, one step back, but progressing none the less.  It's a process; we can't just skip through to the finish line without a little hard work and thought. 

And boy do I ever make good on the thoughts.  Which is freaking hilarious considering the title of this blog.  I subconsciously knew myself better than I even thought.  Millions of times I have thought about giving this blog the big shut down but haven't fully committed to closing because OMG, where would the thoughts go?  I shutter to even think.  Can you even imagine how much brain swelling I would have?

So along with a new Beach Body business, I am in the early stages of a huge business decision.  It is all extremely rough draft at this point and I need to do some serious thinking (no problem with that here apparently) about every possible aspect of the venture.  I have a possibility of expanding my business and branching out and opening my own studio.  That means I have to think bigger than ever, to dream bigger than ever, to work HARDER than ever.  I'm terrified, excited also, but mostly scared shitless.  I have never in my life saw my own potential or felt like I had any desire to give anything 110% of my time and effort.  And the few times I saw anything permanent I was never taken seriously.  Never.  I never got to be in charge when the teacher left the room in first grade, I never got to be the line leader, I never got to be class president, I never even got to do lunch count at the cafeteria.  I've never been given the opportunity to step into any leadership role EXCEPT for cheer captain which I totally sucked at because I was a bitch in high school.  My baggage was too heavy and I suffered from ill-equipped coping mechanisms (I'm still working on that shit too).  In my adult life I had a brief opportunity to shine and I did well with it - I was a squad leader in basic training and kicked ass at that...but after that I guess nothing tickled my fancy enough to get me to shine.  Although at times I thought a certain workplace would suit my career goals, the doors would always remain closed.  I guess there are bigger plans for me. 

Then we moved here and I spent 6 years at home taking care of and making a few kids of my own.  I succeeded at a few things I had previously failed at.  Like breastfeeding, and being a good wife.  Those were important victories for me now that I really think about it.  But all along I thought this journey was about my husband, and not me at all.  Then along came Zumba Fitness (my glorified second chance at being cheer captain and doing it well).  The journey the last two years has been filled with ups and downs.  It still is.  One day I have 30 people consistently, obligations take hold of every one's life and I have 12 students for weeks on end during the summer months.  But through it all, I haven't lost site of what this is about.  It's about sharing my talents and openness of heart to help people begin and maintain a weight loss and fitness journey.  It's about them, not me.  I want to be a fitness professional, a personal trainer, a group fitness instructor, a weight loss coach, a support system on many different levels - whatever title you want to put to it, I want to be it. 

And I'm going to do it, too.  Watch me. 

I took the plunge!

After contemplating forever over a new business opportunity, I decided to become a Beach Body coach.  If you've come to this blog and you are feeling down about your current health situation and you want to start a fitness journey - reach out.  You get to hear a lot of my neurosis and crap on this blog, but at the center of me - what I'm really about, is helping people figure out how to work healthy eating and fitness into their lives.  I am not a nutritionist, but beach body has tools in place for me to help my customers succeed, people with a lot of education and the know how to give you information.  I am only licensed to teach Zumba Fitness, and my classes aren't anywhere near you.  But all of you are at my finger tips, and beach body has workout programs that you can do in your own home if you so desire.  I am always available for motivation, advice, help anytime you need someone to listen and give you a lift over obstacles that you face in changing your lifestyle.  It's not about being perfect, it's about progressing into a more positive and healthy journey.  We are always going to falter, we are gonna want to eat pizza, or take a nap instead of working out.  But - we are all capable of baby steps.  Just cutting out one soda we drink per day turns into cutting out all your soda entirely after we get used to having less...and less....and less.  You are who you decide to be.  If you want help getting there, I can take your hand.  You can connect and become my free customer by joining today.  If you want to take it a step further you can get a club membership and start using other tools to help you in your process.  Thanks for taking the time to read my musings.  You are appreciated.  

http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/Zumbamommy23#

Work and life

All work and no play makes me grumpy as hell, but feeling super accomplished none the less.  I have been working my buns off cleaning up the gym at the Grange building where I teach my Zumba classes.   I took on the job of cleaning this building and have done a good job upstairs where we house the gymnastics, Tae Kwon Do and Zumba - the bathrooms and foyer....but doing the bare minimum in the gym because it was a mess, it needed more than just a thorough cleaning to get it where it needs to be.  We had a board meeting about three weeks ago where I got creamed for not doing enough even though everyone else was just sitting around and not doing anything to take initiative to make things better.  I felt no need to put in the elbow grease if I was alone in the task and needed approval for painting and help to get those awful carpets out and good solid gym mats in their place.  I figured demolition before we made it shiny?  Apparently that was not the page the wicked witch of the west was on so I got reprimanded, blind sided, in front of a room full of people who really had no place in hearing the accusation.  But whatever.  I took that negative energy and resentment towards my other successes in the building and just started to work harder.  It's coming around and I'm going to kick some serious ass.  Why?  Because I really care about this place and I want to see it grow and succeed.  Not for me, but for the half of our town that's overweight and feeling shitty about themselves.

I have a good handful of haters here, but living across the street from them are my supporters, people who believe in me and the vision I have for our town.  Why do people have to bring their dollars to larger cities because that's the only place that have access to amazing fitness classes and full gym facilities?  Why not keep it local and convenient?  Why not give them a place to find support and fitness mentors to help them navigate this crazy notion of health and fitness?

Back track about 10 years.  There was a vision of another young lady who was raising a family here and trying to insight a fitness movement in our town, but there was one thing missing.  Or actually, one thing in the way.  Her giant ego.  She built this gym and community building but failed to build lasting and supportive relationships in the process.  It was all business, all the time, and never that connection people want to feel.  I'd rather get a bad hair cut from an amazing person who leaves me feeling special than get a fantastic one from someone who could care less if they ever saw me again.  Far too many people felt unimportant and overwhelmed with starting a journey they knew nothing about.  Business is about forming relationships with people because first and foremost they want to know when they give you money they worked really hard to earn, that it's appreciated and valued.  They want you to work hard, sometimes harder than the paycheck warrants.  One good recommendation turns into another and when you do it right your business improves as does your paycheck.

Fitness is kind of tricky because most people would much rather dream of becoming fit than putting in the hard work and hours it takes to lose the fat they've accumulated.  It's challenging and it means putting yourself first for a change.  It means busting your ass and eat with intention instead of feeding your soul.  All good things in moderation.  I think I have a gift for motivating and seeing the potential in any given person.  Everyone falls off the wagon from time to time, but I consider myself a ladder to help them get back on.  I've never been more sure of anything in my life up to this point.  This is my journey right now.  It might not always be so, but right now I am right where I'm supposed to be.

So I will tread lightly around this particular obstacle.  I will placate her and make her feel like her contribution is the most important one because it will help me accomplish things that need to be done.  She leaves next summer for good since her twin boys are graduating and going off to college.  This door is opening for me and I'm going to walk through it.

Again, here I am with a million run on sentences and a story that suffers from ADHD.  I hope you were able to keep up.  :D

Checking in....

Howdy people, here you are again checking in on me and I find it unbelievable that complete strangers would want to come back for more but apparently some of you do so I should probably do you a favor and give you something to read. 

This week was another crazy one.  I have been taking on more things lately and getting busier and busier.  If I don't get a planner, something is gonna fall through the cracks but I'm trying very hard to stay on top of things. 

You wanna know something enlightening about the issues I was dealing with a few weeks ago?  I owned them and was honest with myself and with the person they referred to and poof, they were gone.  I can't explain it and I don't know exactly how it all just evaporated, but it did and I'm walking on air because of it.  I suppose there's something to be said for true honesty and trusting that all will be well if you put yourself out there and be vulnerable.  The people who truly love and honor your friendship will remain and walk you through it, the people who are in it for themselves will walk away and throw a few knives in your back in the process. 

In that discovery I have also started to work on my self loathing issues.  I would project negativity towards me from others onto who I was as a person and bash myself into small itty pieces.  It obviously wasn't working for me and was making me miserable.  It came about and was as simple as a shift in thinking.  My thoughts just sort of gently rotated without too much hard work.  I say not too much work....but then  I'm 36 years old and just now starting to come into focus (and there will be instances where I'll have to put this into practice with greater efficiency).  My inner dialogue reads... it's not you, it's them.  It's okay for them to think and feel how they do, but you cannot dim your light or change who you are to fit their mold.  You are you and you are enough.  The people who love you, the people who contribute to your life; focus on that.  They are the light and where your heart should be.  You cannot change the opinions of others, and their opinions have NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW GOOD YOU ARE!  So I stopped believing in the crap.  I'm happy and not letting the past creep in and rob me of what I deserve in this present moment.  I am extremely proud of this progress. 

Wow!

Well last week was a zinger, no?  It's insane the emotions I go through on a daily basis and I wonder, what in the hell is wrong with me?  Does everyone internalize like this or am I a sick bastard?  I am kinda sick but I have to say that I'd rather be me, here growing and changing, learning and loving, rather than anyone else.  I am me, and I am enough. 

I know it's okay to feel things and that I will go through many emotions as I go through this process.  I lost my mom this year and that isn't easy no matter what age you are, or how long you had her around to be a constant in your life.  Your relationship with this unique and special individual shapes and molds you in many intricate ways.  My family, and it's many generations are evolving and I'm proud to say I'm part of that process.  My year of therapy helped me see that my family wasn't as bad as they seem on paper, that we are/were a culture, and I am no less of a human because of my experience.  But that isn't to say that I can't grow and see the bad points, and hone and sharpen the good points. 

 So you wanna here some things about the girls?  I promise that I am raising them in this process of being one huge cluster fuck.  I'm also still a dedicated and loving Zumba instructor with a new Toning class that people are very excited and happy with.  So that feels good.  But here I am digressing again.

Abby started school this fall.  Can you imagine my elation of having all three of my daughters in full time school?  It's like a big fat Christmas present every morning.  And I love her teacher.  Abby just loves being busy and having fun, she is very happy and well adjusted.  I am doing a good job :D  That's not to say I never lose my cool, or forget important shit.  I do far too often but I have to say that I have a great balance between love and chaos.  I am not a perfect mum, but I am a great mum.  And I know that someday there will be such a great reward in this journey when my girls are mothers and I can watch them do me, but better.  

Emily is playing soccer this year.  She whines and complains on game days that it's too hard without fail, then she gets on the field and starts having a good time learning to navigate a game she's born to play.  She's going to be an athlete as she grows and it's going to be a natural gift that she has.  I am going to really enjoy her in this area and I'm so excited to think about what's to come for her as she gets older.  First grade agrees well with her and she's just beginning to get this reading thing.  Mostly whats lacking is confidence and I'm working on that, practice is what will help her grow.  It won't be long now and she'll be blazing through books.  She has a readers mind and I know she'll enjoy the escape a good book can bring. 

Sydney is in 7th grade.  Oh boy, this year is going to be full on roller coaster I think.  Her emotions are all over the place (who's kid is she anyway).  But all in all she has a heart to be coveted and when push comes to shove she does the right thing.  She's bright and full of promise.  I would very much like to keep her that way.  Hopefully the boys will stay the hell away from her.  I'm hoping she takes on the persona of cool, angry chick that boys are afraid of because she's smart and powerful.  So far she's heading in that direction.  She wears my old Army camo to school and my jungle boots.  I don't discourage it at all.  She's also pretty as a princess.  Best blue eyes ever. 

The big man of the house has now become a hunter and also loves to play Frisbee golf.  I just cater to him and try to make him feel special because he lives with a house full of women and that has got to be hard.  I hope he gets his deer this year, he'll cry like a little bitch if he doesn't and we don't like him to be disappointed.  HE IS SO SPOILED!!  But in a very humble kind of way that's endearing.  In a few months we will celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary.  I have never been happier in my marriage. 

The calm after the storm....

Or is it the eye?  I've had another difficult day.  No sleep last night to speak of really, lots of crying and truths this morning talking with a friend.  Just sharing and getting to the heart of the matter.  I want to say this out loud before it becomes an afterthought.

Lessons and who's to blame, I am not trying to place anything.  I am my own person, I take responsibility for how I feel and certainly don't blame my mom for everything.  It takes a village to raise a child, this I know because Jamie and I are raising three on our own without the support of family, it's just us.  We struggle and it's not easy.  My mother raised 10 kids single handed and with little to no means.  She worked her fingers to the damn bone and I know that couldn't have been easy.   She did the absolute best she could and I love her so much for the strength she held onto in her heart.  It was her hard shell that allowed her to persevere and keep going no matter what.  It was her tough exterior that gave her the courage to live for years with immeasurable pain and never complain, not once.  I love her beyond words and although my insecurities stem from my childhood, it is now MY responsibility to stand up to that voice in my head and kick its ass.  I am who I am today because of my mom, and there are so many more good qualities that far outweigh the bad.  It's just sometimes they creep in, my fear, my pain....demons summoning me to give up and lose sight of my goal.

Doubt kills....but I am my mother's daughter, and I will keep going and persevere because she taught me that.  To keep trying, to believe in the positive things people bring to our lives and help anyone along the way that could benefit from something I have to offer.  But most of all I will feel happiness for their gain even though I'm still waiting for my day.  Mine will come to me when I learn to just feel joy even when my hand isn't as great as another.  We all have a story unique to ourselves and none of us know each others journey and what it's all about.  All in good time and I truly believe my day will come and all of this growth will come into focus.  I have a great life ahead of me.     

Mom, I hear you loud and clear and I know you loved me, that you were proud of me.  It's just painful losing you and I miss you.  Sometimes it feels like I'm alone in this just like I always felt alone in it with you as a child.  It's hard for anyone else to understand my pain of losing you, but we all have our sufferings and miss you in ways each of us cannot understand.  A mother's love is complex and different for each of her children, yet the same.  I regret the time I wasted not sitting by your side and trying to probe things out of you that you might have wanted to say.  I wish you would have shared more with me but the quiet lessons you taught to me through your daily walk, I remember well.  Every day I think of you and that will never change.  I miss you so much. 

This complicated life....

I have been neglecting this blog again and I have to wonder if it has anything to do with the neglect I've also given to myself.  So much has happened since the last post and yet everything has stayed the same.  I guess I'm just working and doing my thing but at the same time I need this place for the outlet, to write down my thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears.  Helps me sort it all out if that makes sense.  I can place the good in front of me and let the bad fall behind me and hopefully, move on for just a while.  Funny thing about life's lessons and karma.....the idea that we keep living and learning the same lessons over and over until we have evolved into a more enlightened place.  A comfortable place.  This is where my lessons can be thought out and hopefully learned.  But life get's busy and people need you, so unless you become very adept with implementing those lessons, the problem areas can slowly creep in.  Or maybe something will happen that reminds you that your work isn't complete, there's still more growth to be had and even though you've made progress....you're not done by a long shot. 

I've missed mom a lot lately.  It feels like a very lonely place.  Everyone misses her, I know that, but I have come to realize that I wasn't ready for her to be gone even though I had accepted it and tried to be okay with her passing because there was no other choice.  I wanted her resting time to come because she was tired and her body and mind was no longer here to hold my hand through this complicated walk that life can sometimes be.

This blog is full of my insecurities and feelings of not being enough, not loving myself enough, blacking out my good points and focusing on my bad even though I'm capable of knowing otherwise.  How long does it take for your heart to catch up with your mind?  Is that why they say life begins at 40?  Because it takes that long to overcome and untie the ego and feelings of inadequacy? 

I've often thought about my craving for approval I have towards my mother, this need for her to be proud of me.  Look at me mom, look what I can do!!  I just wanted to do better by her and to show her that I was good, but I had to make a lot of mistakes in the process of becoming enough.  In my quest to get this I've often met her disapproval, or so I felt.  I made bad choices, I didn't go to church, I didn't teach my kids about God, I was impatient and sometimes had a sharp tongue with my kids, I was a selfish wife, I wasn't a hard enough worker.  Oh my word, the list goes on and on about what I do that's wrong.  I guess I felt like no matter how hard I showed her my good points, it always ended up feeling like I was boastful or a show off and she hated that part too.  I just wanted her to be proud of me.  I wanted her to say it to me, and hug me and tell me that I was a good girl despite my mistakes. 

This is quite a revelation actually.  I've always know that I felt this way, but I had no idea how deep seeded it was until she passed, and more specifically, this week.  It's connected to my insecurities as a grown woman and as much as I know that wasn't her intention to make me feel this way, I am being forced to honor it in my daily walk.  The voice in my head is screaming it at me actually.   It comes to me in the form of jealousy towards certain people in my life.  I get bummed out when good things come their way, and the funniest part of it all is.....it was me that held their hand and encouraged them to get where they are today.  Instead of being proud of my selfless act, I feel sorry for myself that I succeeded in lifting them up to a higher place.  And why?  Because I am insecure and can't seem to believe that I would be good enough to still be loved by the people around me that now find inspiration in my friend.  RIDICULOUS!  I'm so mad at myself for not being able to feel happy for her that I end up feeling even worse about myself.

I had a dream last night about mom.  In that dream mom was having me go through papers that were sort of like a hand written will.  There was a paper that had the bequeathed written out by the owner that had passed and apparently was causing a misunderstanding or argument amongst family or something about who was supposed to get a boat.  Weird, I know.  Anyway, while shuffling through papers I saw little notes she had written and one of them was for me telling me that she loved me and was proud of me.  That she loved me unconditionally and understood that life is about making mistakes and learning along the way.  I woke up crying and with a heavy heart.  I'm still crying now.  Apparently this is a lot deeper than I thought.  Perhaps she came to me for a reason, to place a stone at my feet.  A stone that is begging me to take a step forward and remember that even though she wasn't good at saying it, she felt it.  A stone that's calling me to put it behind me and be who I'm supposed to be, a helper.....a healer.  That I am good enough and if I can just unlock my mind, my journey can take an even greater shape and I can start to unleash my power within.

I'm really good at helping others see their potential, why is it so hard to see my own?   

Deep, I know.  Thanks for listening. 

Slow moving but moving none the less.

That's the norm around here.  I've been tired and busy and tired.  My work has been suffering because there's no time for Zumba when you're busy and tired.  But this week has been a good one.  I've been working my ass off and I'm feel so good about making a little progress. 

I'm not a dancer or a choreographer and I have no creativity when it comes to putting stuff together.   I can take bits and pieces from other talented people, tweek it to my own body movement and bring it to class but the inspiration and motivation that goes into the research is daunting at times.  I've been trying to put together a new class format, Zumba Toning, and it's proving to be a challenge getting started but I feel a little momentum coming.  I have about four or five songs that are in my brain and have found choreography to go along with them.  One I did myself start to finish with a minor inspiration from an old youtube video that Nathan Blake put out a year ago.  Just getting one song completed and ready is enough to get a ball rolling.  Won't be long now and I'll have a class ready to go.  Here's the kicker....I'm just getting above water with Mom's death and I'm going home in two weeks to bury her.  So for the next two weeks I need to work my ass off so fucking hard so that when the time comes to grieve a little more, I can just be present in that. 

I miss her so much.  I don't even know how to explain this plain I'm on.  Almost like I don't have a mother at all and I'm just hovering in this space because there isn't time to feel sad for too long because this delicate tower being held together by the skin of it's teeth would crumble if I were to stop paying close attention to every spinning wheel.  I'm so exhausted and tired of playing catch up.  I just hope and pray that my Toning class works out and it's not a waste of my effort putting this together.  I need full classes all the time to help keep this family fed and happy.

Wish me luck.   

Getting by...

About six weeks have passed since Mom passed away.  Some of those weeks it was all consuming, but in a functional, go about my business sort of way.  Instead of crying, my body hurt and I thought about her all the time and didn't deal well with stress in general.  But I'm getting better and better.  So much better and so much faster than I always anticipated I would be when I lost her.

How strange to go through your life and mostly always have that worry or knowing your mother will leave you far too young into your own life.  And I'm much older than I thought I would be when she passed away but I'm still too young to lose that voice of reason, that soft blanket of comfort; the person who loves you no matter what you say or do.   

I suppose she's watching over me now, witnessing my life in snippets she never had before.  The person I am when no one is watching.  I hope that even though I'm not perfect, I'd still make her proud to say that she raised me.  I try really hard, not to be better than where I came from, but just to be the woman she hoped I would be.

And I'm working like crazy, and when I'm not working, I should be.  I've taken trainings to up my Zumba skills as an instructor and got my license to teach Zumba Toning, which I am hoping will flourish with hard work and time.  It's not going to be easy to add another specialty from scratch, but if I baby it and give it the attention it deserves, and to be honest, focus a little harder, I'll be just fine.  My students will love it if they get the toning results that I can give them if I do it right. 

We got to see Niagara Falls, my family and I, during one of the trips I had to take for training.  We went over to the Canadian side and I'm glad we did because WHAT A VIEW THAT WAS!!  So pretty, so surreal.  And a little fucked up how trashy the American side was compared to the lovely scenery the Canadian side had.  We played tourist and rode the Maid of the Mist, complete with blue rain coats, even tiny ones for kids.  So cute!!  It was a blast. 

I also had a visit with my sister from Maine and my birth Mom, Dee, last weekend.  We had a good time, just a nice long four day visit with shopping and flower planting, a little boozing, along with some gambling the slots.  It was a good vacation for us all.  Three weeks before I make the trip to Maine to bury mother.  I'm not looking forward to the good bye but I'm happy that I'll get to be there doing it with my family. 

So there is my check in.  I hope you're happy.