The calm after the storm....

Or is it the eye?  I've had another difficult day.  No sleep last night to speak of really, lots of crying and truths this morning talking with a friend.  Just sharing and getting to the heart of the matter.  I want to say this out loud before it becomes an afterthought.

Lessons and who's to blame, I am not trying to place anything.  I am my own person, I take responsibility for how I feel and certainly don't blame my mom for everything.  It takes a village to raise a child, this I know because Jamie and I are raising three on our own without the support of family, it's just us.  We struggle and it's not easy.  My mother raised 10 kids single handed and with little to no means.  She worked her fingers to the damn bone and I know that couldn't have been easy.   She did the absolute best she could and I love her so much for the strength she held onto in her heart.  It was her hard shell that allowed her to persevere and keep going no matter what.  It was her tough exterior that gave her the courage to live for years with immeasurable pain and never complain, not once.  I love her beyond words and although my insecurities stem from my childhood, it is now MY responsibility to stand up to that voice in my head and kick its ass.  I am who I am today because of my mom, and there are so many more good qualities that far outweigh the bad.  It's just sometimes they creep in, my fear, my pain....demons summoning me to give up and lose sight of my goal.

Doubt kills....but I am my mother's daughter, and I will keep going and persevere because she taught me that.  To keep trying, to believe in the positive things people bring to our lives and help anyone along the way that could benefit from something I have to offer.  But most of all I will feel happiness for their gain even though I'm still waiting for my day.  Mine will come to me when I learn to just feel joy even when my hand isn't as great as another.  We all have a story unique to ourselves and none of us know each others journey and what it's all about.  All in good time and I truly believe my day will come and all of this growth will come into focus.  I have a great life ahead of me.     

Mom, I hear you loud and clear and I know you loved me, that you were proud of me.  It's just painful losing you and I miss you.  Sometimes it feels like I'm alone in this just like I always felt alone in it with you as a child.  It's hard for anyone else to understand my pain of losing you, but we all have our sufferings and miss you in ways each of us cannot understand.  A mother's love is complex and different for each of her children, yet the same.  I regret the time I wasted not sitting by your side and trying to probe things out of you that you might have wanted to say.  I wish you would have shared more with me but the quiet lessons you taught to me through your daily walk, I remember well.  Every day I think of you and that will never change.  I miss you so much.