This complicated life....

I have been neglecting this blog again and I have to wonder if it has anything to do with the neglect I've also given to myself.  So much has happened since the last post and yet everything has stayed the same.  I guess I'm just working and doing my thing but at the same time I need this place for the outlet, to write down my thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears.  Helps me sort it all out if that makes sense.  I can place the good in front of me and let the bad fall behind me and hopefully, move on for just a while.  Funny thing about life's lessons and karma.....the idea that we keep living and learning the same lessons over and over until we have evolved into a more enlightened place.  A comfortable place.  This is where my lessons can be thought out and hopefully learned.  But life get's busy and people need you, so unless you become very adept with implementing those lessons, the problem areas can slowly creep in.  Or maybe something will happen that reminds you that your work isn't complete, there's still more growth to be had and even though you've made progress....you're not done by a long shot. 

I've missed mom a lot lately.  It feels like a very lonely place.  Everyone misses her, I know that, but I have come to realize that I wasn't ready for her to be gone even though I had accepted it and tried to be okay with her passing because there was no other choice.  I wanted her resting time to come because she was tired and her body and mind was no longer here to hold my hand through this complicated walk that life can sometimes be.

This blog is full of my insecurities and feelings of not being enough, not loving myself enough, blacking out my good points and focusing on my bad even though I'm capable of knowing otherwise.  How long does it take for your heart to catch up with your mind?  Is that why they say life begins at 40?  Because it takes that long to overcome and untie the ego and feelings of inadequacy? 

I've often thought about my craving for approval I have towards my mother, this need for her to be proud of me.  Look at me mom, look what I can do!!  I just wanted to do better by her and to show her that I was good, but I had to make a lot of mistakes in the process of becoming enough.  In my quest to get this I've often met her disapproval, or so I felt.  I made bad choices, I didn't go to church, I didn't teach my kids about God, I was impatient and sometimes had a sharp tongue with my kids, I was a selfish wife, I wasn't a hard enough worker.  Oh my word, the list goes on and on about what I do that's wrong.  I guess I felt like no matter how hard I showed her my good points, it always ended up feeling like I was boastful or a show off and she hated that part too.  I just wanted her to be proud of me.  I wanted her to say it to me, and hug me and tell me that I was a good girl despite my mistakes. 

This is quite a revelation actually.  I've always know that I felt this way, but I had no idea how deep seeded it was until she passed, and more specifically, this week.  It's connected to my insecurities as a grown woman and as much as I know that wasn't her intention to make me feel this way, I am being forced to honor it in my daily walk.  The voice in my head is screaming it at me actually.   It comes to me in the form of jealousy towards certain people in my life.  I get bummed out when good things come their way, and the funniest part of it all is.....it was me that held their hand and encouraged them to get where they are today.  Instead of being proud of my selfless act, I feel sorry for myself that I succeeded in lifting them up to a higher place.  And why?  Because I am insecure and can't seem to believe that I would be good enough to still be loved by the people around me that now find inspiration in my friend.  RIDICULOUS!  I'm so mad at myself for not being able to feel happy for her that I end up feeling even worse about myself.

I had a dream last night about mom.  In that dream mom was having me go through papers that were sort of like a hand written will.  There was a paper that had the bequeathed written out by the owner that had passed and apparently was causing a misunderstanding or argument amongst family or something about who was supposed to get a boat.  Weird, I know.  Anyway, while shuffling through papers I saw little notes she had written and one of them was for me telling me that she loved me and was proud of me.  That she loved me unconditionally and understood that life is about making mistakes and learning along the way.  I woke up crying and with a heavy heart.  I'm still crying now.  Apparently this is a lot deeper than I thought.  Perhaps she came to me for a reason, to place a stone at my feet.  A stone that is begging me to take a step forward and remember that even though she wasn't good at saying it, she felt it.  A stone that's calling me to put it behind me and be who I'm supposed to be, a helper.....a healer.  That I am good enough and if I can just unlock my mind, my journey can take an even greater shape and I can start to unleash my power within.

I'm really good at helping others see their potential, why is it so hard to see my own?   

Deep, I know.  Thanks for listening.