Another ride.

Life can certainly change in a moment.  One day you think your path is clear before you, and another minute it's like everything you ever thought you were is completely different.

I had a really hard Friday.  The paranoia and panic attacks were so unbearable that I absolutely had to drink a few and smoke half a pack of cigarettes just to get by.  I lost a total of 5 hours of sleep in just two days and was borderline psychotic.  Again.

I'm happy to say that I reached out for help from Jamie.  Attempting suicide is only a few missteps away.  One moment of resolve is all it will take, one time when my courage is greater than my fear of death.  My delusions are so out of control in my manic phases that I can't function or see anything but signs about the coming of Jesus and my apparent role in this all going down.  The hero, the right hand of the one true King.  It's very heavy to carry this load and it's not even just the delusions that are heavy.  It's put my family in a good bit of financial hard ship that is all my fault.

I sometimes feel like everyone would be safer without me and their lives better.  Jim's reaction to my emergency room visit when I first went in this last episode was "do you know how much this is going to cost?"  I wouldn't talk because I felt in my delusions that talking would spoil the master plan and I didn't think it was safe to talk.  We are still paying off the last stay of $1500.00.  This new one comes with a large deductible and 20% of the costs of hospital stay for 7 days.  Two days in emergency care, a CT scan, and 6 days inpatient at Acadia.

It's not easy for me to find myself worthy of a pedicure, much less thousands of dollars because I'm nuts.

Where did the good feelings go?

I'm not sure Jim loves me enough to take this on.  I know he loves me, he wants the best for his kids.  But I'm not sure he can do this long term.  I've always been the rock and he's been able to go to work and feel safe that our home was run somewhat smoothly.  Just getting kids to school and supper on the table is a major event.  My classes are doing awful, I'm not making any money at all and I feel like a waste of space.  I'm a fine instructor with good things to offer but that has to take limited space since managing this illness has to take priority. 

Sometimes it's not so hard to find value, but when I think of all the trouble this new illness is causing I find it very tiresome.  Who is going to want to put up with this?  Even on medication I'm all over the place.  My kids need their mom.  If I didn't have my kids I probably would already have succeeded in just 6 short months of having this disease. 

I'm lost today. 

I don't want to give up at all, but I'm having a moment where I wonder if I'm worth it.