Wow, April has flown by. I am approaching a huge mile stone in a few weeks. Abby is having her first BIRTHDAY!! Can you even imagine a year has gone by already ? I sure can't. What a whirlwind it's been with two in diapers. Emily has been blooming into a naughty. little toddler and Abby's infancy basically slipped through my tired fingers.

All difficulties aside, can I say, in writing, just how freaking adorable my family is? How did this even happen (well, aside from the obvious)? I think back on the last three years and wonder if I was even present? When and who, huh? Who are these children and why are they clinging to my pant leg crying "Mama!'

And three girls. Who gets three girls? I suddenly find myself in a position to work harder, try harder, with no faking my way through it once. I've got to do this three times, I had better pay attention to Sydney. Thank lemons that I have her to help usher me through the thresh hold of premenstrual teens. Can you say O M G? I can't even imagine the payback I am owed. Every time I nag on any issue, I may as well be lecturing my own pre-teen self. The similarities are spooky.

So that's one big day. There are other celebrations ahead of us. In the midst of all the crisis I have in my extended family, my own family is about to achieve a major personal goal. I say family because it involved all of us in small and big ways. We all made changes and sacrifices for Jamie to pursue his doctorate. I am so pleased for him to be reaching the end of that road and start his career. This grueling process is almost behind him and he will soon be able to relax and start to flourish and do what he does best. Think. I am so proud to be his wife and I look forward to watching him fulfill his dreams. He still has a little climbing left to do to establish himself in his field but he's gonna be GREAT!

I do wish that I knew where we were moving but I wouldn't be surprised if we stayed put for a couple more years. It seems like the most logical thing to do at this point. I guess when I know more, which will hopefully be soon, I'll blog. All this excitement! What is a girl to do with it all?

Stay tuned......

Where're we going?

Still.Don't.KNOW!!

I'm starting to get nervous. J is scheduled to graduate in Aug/Sept and still no job. Still no direction. Still no planning to do. More like a waiting. A stand still.

I'm over it. The word between us is try to get a post doc here because moving seems rather overwhelming in light of him writing and defending his thesis, selling a house, and packing a family of FIVE plus cat and dog.

I can't even really think about it in great length or detail lest I get really pissed off that my entire life revolves around SOMEONE ELSE'S DESTINY!! Even if it is my choice to do so. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!

Wishing Well

I'm pulling out any and all karmic favors I may have hovering over me because now is the time. This cancer talk is morbid and scary and makes me want to put my head under the covers and pretend that it isn't happening but reality strikes every time.

His scenario isn't as bleak as originally thought. I had him dead by summer's end. That is a horrible thing to think or say but in the business he's currently in - realistically, but with a whole shit ton of optimism, is the only way to deal with cancer. Doctors and Scientists have made strides in treating cancer and his lucky stars were aligned because he is being treated in Canada.

So...universal health care. You know, a lot of people will talk about how this particular system doesn't work and how people are slipping through cracks - one being my step-father, honestly speaking. I admit, people do fall through the cracks but I would dare say ours are bigger. People in non-emergency situations may not have the best of care but at least they're receiving care. People are refused treatments here if they can't pay for them, even though they're readily available. What's that tell you? My mother would be bankrupt and dead if she had been treated in the U.S., and subjected to our healthcare system. I am not even kidding. Her surgery was performed by a cutting edge surgeon and even then, he had not removed a tumor of that size to date. It would have been considered exploratory here, I imagine, and most likely, not covered.

The prognosis for Brent is looking a lot better, though I think he's having a tough time with the thought of adjusting to the new lifestyle he will need to adopt. The liver cancer is there but might be able to be contained. Apparently they are hoping the radiation/chemo will shrink the size of the cancer, and the specialists in Halifax (where my mom was treated) will have a chance at cutting it out. If they can do that, his liver can re-grow and maybe his chances of survival are a lot higher than we thought, which is great news!!

So I'm standing at the wishing well, throwing in all my pennies and praying that the cancer is treatable. I don't want to see him fade away into nothing before he even turns 50. I don't want this for my mom, who has been having the decade of her life fighting to live. She needs him. We all do. I might not have always felt bonded with my step-father - it's a difficult bond to initiate when you've never had a father. But I love him - for her, if nothing else.

Outcome

My step-father's surgery went well, as expected. They got all of his cancer from his bowel and managed to keep him from having an external waste bag hanging from his side. Thankfully! The kicker is, he has liver cancer, confirmed. They aren't sure the extent his liver has suffered, but less than they had initially thought. Good news is he might die later as opposed to summer. No one is saying this out loud but unless I'm mistaken, he's going to die from this. I don't want to be so matter of fact about it, but the prognosis of most liver cancer patients is not good.

Cancer sucks. I'm in denial and angry about this right now. I'm just not open to this sort of morning right now. Later.

I sound horrible.

Update

Long time no talk in here lately. I attempt posts from time to time but an interruption is always imminent. I'm holding my breath at this moment, wondering when E will need assistance of some kind. Three kids plus three daycare kids equals a lot of effin' kids and I am swamped every afternoon and mornings are well, mornings.

The babies nap on opposite schedules. One would think this was crazy, but no matter combinations I play with, a simultaneous nap is rare lately. It will correct itself eventually, and I'm nearly half way through this sleep deprived era of my life. If I'm being honest, the extra one on one I get with them makes up for never getting much time to myself. As I said, there are a lot of buggers running around here after 2 pm, so they could use some extra mama.

I am in shock that A's first year is nearly over. It's been a whirlwind, to say the very least. Jamie and I have been walking around like freaking zombies anymore it seems. We're always losing an hour here, an hour there. A restful night is more of a tease than anything else, it happens that often. But didn't you hear? Good news!! I'm nearly half way through this era of sleep deprivation!

But I digress.

My extended family, sisters/brother/mom, received some shitty news, if I do say so myself. My step father, the husband of my mom who just endured 5 years fighting cancer, has cancer. Colon and liver. It's not going to be pretty. I guess I'll know more tomorrow after he has 3/4's of his bowel removed and they can get a better look. Chemo for sure, if that's even an option - or worth the effort of getting it. We don't know the actual stage yet, or they aren't sharing with us kids. Either way, we'll know more tomorrow.

I don't understand why this is happening to them. Sometimes life isn't fair, I guess. What other explanation can you even come up with? I'm speechless and I don't know what to expect, but I can read and I've researched enough to know that liver cancer is bad. Very, very bad.

Hasn't my mom lost enough already? When does the shit start rolling down someone else's hill, because frankly? We've had our fill.....not that I want any shit to roll anywhere. I would prefer it just stop.

So that's all I have to say about that. I'm a little angry right now and not sure what to think/feel. I'll post more when I know more.

And now the interruptions begin....so I'm publishing and probably not going to look for errors. So sue me.

Who's that girl.....

I haven't posted pictures of baby A in forever. Time for blogging sort of eludes me lately, when there is time it's not what I'm doing. I do have a cute baby, though.



And she might like cookies.



She likes them a lot actually.



Her smile is adorable....and captivating. We love her.



Did I mention she has the bluest eyes in Texas? I don't know this for sure, but I'm guessing it's true.

No focus.

I really have none. I am all over the place with this moving stuff and we still haven't had anything concrete happen. I'm beside myself with stress about our house selling and a job coming together. The move itself will be a nightmare but nothing like the nightmare of not knowing. And to think that I'm the other half of the equation. The stress and pressure that J is feeling must be outfuckingrageous - and it is. To think he has to write and defend his thesis, teach a lab to needy freshman, stroke is crazy boss' ego and work, work, work at the same time he's finding a job and holding his home (and his wife) together so we don't all burst through the seams. It all just seems too crazy to even think about. Most people in our situation aren't toting three kids behind them so the people giving advice really aren't thinking about what we are dealing with as a whole.

I'm freaking out.

Happy New Year!!

Maybe I'm just a dork who messes around on New Year's making cheesy movies of her kids......but I'll own that title all year long.

May 2009 bring us all the joys and wonders of 2008 and more.....Happy Freaking New Year everyone. Happy Freaking New Year.

The last day.

I'm happy for the short visit I had with my uncle last night and this morning. A trip down my way as a favor to the Amish folk in my home town to grab their snow plows built for horse wagons. They are going to put up the trusses on his new house he's building at his pond in return. I love the barter system they've got going on with one another. Makes for a tight community and a more satisfying relationship when it's two sided.

:)

I enjoyed making home made waffles for the girls' breakfast this morning, and a little one on one time with Sydney playing games.
I'm not very good at faking the lose....but I did it anyway.

:)

The Happy does exist here in crazy land.

I am thinking about my inside thoughts a lot lately (and the outside ones, too) and how to put the good out front and let go of the bad before it really makes any kind of impression on my mood/day/week. It's not easy because, admittedly, I stress a lot. As would a lot of people if their days were filled to the brim with shitty diapers. Today? FIVE. Not counting the number of shitty asses I wiped but I'm trying to keep the details to a minimum.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Okay.

Anyway. The point of this post is I'm thinking of changing the way I write in this blog. I want to bring the Happy out and shine the light on it. I think if I start little proclamations of victories and special moments in my day there will be less opportunity for the black to peak through.

Today my happiness is watching Emily's sweet side shine through and the naughty side fade somewhat. She has started to throw less tantrums and begin to respond to short bouts of discipline. She is learning, albeit slowly, to share even when it hurts her little heart to do so. She might even have to sit in a time out chair screaming for two straight minutes, but when she's released from her prison, she moves on. Most of the time.

Progress people, progress.

She has been showing a lot of love lately to her sisters in the form of hugs and hugs and hugs. Occasionally a kiss sneaks in there with it. She has also started to say "I love you, MAMA!".

These are my little victories today.

Short Circuit

That's going to be ME if I have to listen to another day of the whining, whining, whining from the toddler, toddler, toddler. DUDE - SHUT UP ALREADY! I heard you, I know you're mad but for crying out loud would you put a damn cork in it?

You're driving us ALL INSANE!!!!!

Upheaval

Each month flipped over on the calendar, each day that passes by, is one more minute closer to the move. Put all the stress aside of getting a job, selling a house, getting a new home to live in and you suddenly remember this little girl who's whole world is all wrapped up in her third grader self. Her friends. The school play. Mr. E. Times tables. Chorus. The list goes on and on. She's a girl with places to go and people to see and in a few short months we're going to rip the carpet right out from underneath her footing.

I have to ask her to leave her life behind. Her friends. Her school. Her future as she knows isn't really known at all. I have the talks and go all fortune cookie on her...blah, blah, blah. The world is a big place, look at what you're going to gain, not what you'll lose sort of talk. But it doesn't make it better.

She cries. The silent cry where the eyes well up and tears fall down her face but she knows she can't change it so she doesn't make a sound. She just lets the sadness in and cries. I have to continue with the talks and face the heartache and help her through it because she's soft. She's so soft that I have to prepare her gently and let her feel the emotion slowly, months in advance, so that she doesn't seize up with sadness when the time comes to say good bye.

She'll be 9 and she'll have to say good-bye to her other half. Her best friend. The kind of best friend you share a necklace with and tell secrets to. The kind of best friend that you argue with daily because you're cool like that. You can fight and still love each other a few moments later. Like sisters.

I hate to ask this of her. This hurts more than any other good bye I've ever had to say because it's not my hurt. It's hers. And it's not her choice to do this. It's ours. It's a choice that we made before we even came here. Moving was always inevitable, even knowing full well that our little baby's world would change in the process.

I'm not sorry that we made this decision. Jamie's PhD is a big investment in our future and Cornell is a part of that investment. It doesn't change the consequences of our decision though. Her consequences. This move is going to shape her in some small way, for the better I believe, but growth sometimes calls for sacrifice.

Sacrifices I wish she didn't have to make.

I'm sorry, kid. Mama loves you and will hold your hand the whole way.

Promise.

Man, I feel like a woman.

Awwwww Yeah!! I've been fighting the inevitable wean with Abby but slowly starting to come to terms with the limits my body has given me. Apparently, the return of my menses has given my body much to contemplate. She doesn't want conflicting hormones doing the tango week to week and just seized up the old milk supply.

I was devastated.

Now I'm fine.

We're still kinda sorta nursing at night because I'm very lazy at 2 am and she doesn't care. She wants her mother and the physical comfort nursing gives her at night. So technically, we're still nursing. I'm okay with that. The same thing happened with Emily except she just up and quit cold turkey and I was in tears for a week.

Until I took my stash out of the freezer. Then I was listening to the Dead and sneaking out into the garage at night. Miraculously, I was fine after that.

With the dreaded return of aforementioned women's issue, I suddenly feel like I have wings again. I'm ready to swing from the chandelier and get a little jiggy with it.

Jamie say's you can't take a guy out of the desert and give him a gallon of water. WhaaaaaaaT?

I told him he needs to strike while the iron is hot. Lucky for him, he did.

I know that's a little TMI but after two back to back pregnancies I'm pretty stoked to find small parts of myself returning. Abby is still just 6 months and there's a LONG way to go still. But it's looking up and I couldn't be happier.

The best part bar none? I CANNOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN (right Dr. Herzlbetz? RIGHT DR. HERZLBETZ!)!!! Now I only have to read about OTHER people being preggo and shout GLAD THAT'S NOT ME!!

.

Thank You, Mr. President!

For just being you.



YOU FOOL ME!! WE CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN!

Bwahahahahahaha!! Oh MAN!! I love this shit.

Something you didn't know maybe?

I am a Pisces. Pisces is a water sign. And these???



My children's initials. In that order.

The stars sent them to me.

Who wants to see kids?

Only memories remain.

My mom moved out of the trailer I grew up in and into an elderly "community". It's an apartment building for low income elderly and handicapped. Her sister lives in the same building which will make their Skip-Bo and Yahtzee playing all the more accessible.

It is a good thing for her. Rising fuel costs make it next to impossible for her to live off her social security and disability. Plus she won't be alone all the time. I'm grateful that her life will have more in it. Even if I'm not part of that physically.

I miss her so much sometimes. I don't talk about it or let myself go there because it causes me a lot of sadness. It's different when you're raised by your grandmother. I miss the mother she is, I miss the mother I wanted her to be and I miss the mother I need in my life right now. She's a good person and a good mother given her up-bringing and her own relationship with her mother. Tough, strong women. Life experiences have added to that shell. The softness and understanding that I needed as a child and the friend I need as a woman are there but our age differences have kept me from experiencing it firsthand. At least not in the way I would have chosen. But we don't get to choose. We just get to love.

This is the next step in her life. It's her right to move on and let age take it's course. But it hurts a little to see the changes. It sucks to be so far away. I'm not able to identify a new home with her or find where I fit in. It's unnatural to watch your mother slip away from old age when you're just barely coming into your own.

Eventually I will accept that my kids will not go to grandma's house for Thanksgiving or help her make donuts at the kitchen table. They won't spend the night or eat one of her popcorn balls. All that's left of that home are memories. I'll just have to share those instead.

There are no words.

I'm not talking about the election, though a momentous occasion for us all to witness, it's not where words escape me. I've got lots to say about how proud I am that we let our voices be heard, just not today.

Today I'm talking about Emily. My baby girl, born just two years ago this week. I intended on a nice long letter proclaiming my adoration for this child. But there are no words.

I'm incapable of penning just how big my heart has become since she entered my life. How incredibly big it has to be because sometimes it's just.so.hard. being her mother. How it's bursting at the seems because of her precious dimple and naughty little grin. And how it's overflowing with gratefulness that I get to witness this child's life blossom.


I love her. So much so that it hurts sometimes and not even because she's kicking me in the shin. It's like a tender ache that never really goes away. I love her when she hurts me, I love her when she pleases me and I love, love, love her when she's being her whimsical, vibrant self. She never ceases to amaze me at every corner.

She came out screaming and has since continued. She has a lot to say. A lot of passion. A lot of thoughts and needs she wants to express. It is at the top of her lungs that she informs you she's happy, or mad, or sad. It's all announced at a ten. Never a two, or even half way at five. It's *always* ten. And I couldn't be any happier or more exasperated at the same time to experience this tiny child proclaiming herself to the world with such intensity.

She is going places, that one. And if you're lucky, she just might take you with her.

On terrorism.

From Wikipedia

"Terrorism is the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion. Most common definitions of terrorism include only those acts which are intended to create fear (terror), are perpetrated for an ideological goal (as opposed to a lone attack), and deliberately target or disregard the safety of non-combatants. Some definitions also include acts of unlawful violence and war."

Why then, Sarah, is it not considered "terrorism", if those particular terror seekers are bombing say, an abortion clinic.

Oh, right. They support your agenda.



Just checkin'. *wink*

The low down.

*sigh*

Writing about the mundane, the daily grind, if you will, becomes rather stale after a couple of years. I've been at a loss for words, or rather, a loss of time for words. I even thought I might delete the blog all together because I just don't have time and all I seem to ever do is complain anyway. It's depressing that all I have to write about is the plight of motherhood. But that is the stuff that needs to be purged and left behind on a piece of paper, or a small byte in the internet universe.

I don't want this blech lurking on my sleeves; I want it gone. I want to write it out of my mind so I can move on to happier things. Like E's much anticipated entrance into the world of speech. Or A's delightful squeals as she scampers through the house in her walker. There's always the budding relationship between mother and tween daughter to nurture and admire. Those are the things that keep me here and not at some desk typing numbers.

I will keep my blog. Just pardon all the heavy banter. Forgive me of my reluctance to write anything at all. Know that I am here in spirit but the body is off changing a shitty diaper. Like three a day. And that's a slow day.

As far as the lately is concerned. Things have been crazy. Someone has been sick in our house for the past 7 weeks. For the first 4 or so it was DH. The last three it was the babies and me. E had pneumonia and A was teetering too close if you ask me. I got the cold and with that came a nasty ear and sinus infection. We are all starting to come out of the funk but it has been a long couple of months. A depressing couple of months.

A big problem that occurred as a result of all this was the sudden drop in milk supply. Ugh! A was suffering and was taking bottles; I thought it was going to be the end of our time together. Luckily I have been able to get back on track. But I'm not sure how long it will last. This seems to be a problem of mine after 4 or 5 months. I'm going to try and continue as long as we can. I really want to bf longer this time. It feels so important to me. I'm putting a few things on the back burner to help make it possible. One being the constant struggle to kick start my weight loss.

I'm so sick of dealing with the yo yo and decided to take it easy and let my body feed my baby first. I have the rest of my life to get strong and loose the baby weight. First things first, KWIM? I just can't concentrate on one without adding the stress to the other and it's worth it to stay a size whatever I am if it means that A and I get to nurse for as long as we want.

Other than that the world seems rather dull. It has been so consumed with sickness and Dr. visits (5 in one week), antibiotics and Mother's Milk Tea that I'm about to barf my fenugreek all over the floor. This weekend I'm going to take a breather and carve me a kick ass pumpkin with my kids. Or maybe it will just be three triangles and a mouth with a couple of teeth. But maybe well get crazy up in here and make circles instead of triangles. Or *gasp*squares..