It's shocking.

How many people Google pickled beets and cottage cheese! I ain't even joking.

And just like that.

She left us.

Mom left us this morning.

It felt like she was going to hold on forever, like she felt as if she had unfinished business, or she was afraid, after living all these years on this earth, to take the next step into her new journey. And then just like that her beating heart stopped and she flew away.

I don't know how to describe loving a mother who isn't your mother. But she's your grandmother so her blood is really not all that removed from my own. She's my mother's mother, it feels more connected, like the bond is stronger than if it had been my father's mother. Maybe because my father died when I was little and never knew what it meant to have one. But maybe it isn't all that difficult to describe. Maybe she was just my mother and I was her daughter and it didn't matter that she didn't directly give me life because at the end of the day, I was here because of her.

I have missed her for a long time, and now I will miss her even more. When I want to call and just hear how she is from my aunt, or to have a two minute conversation that leave me feeling sad, there won't be anyone to check on. Instead I'll just feel empty, maybe not forever, but I will for a long time. I want to have my mother here with me like it used to be so bad. I want to share my life with her and to talk about my kids and laugh about the funny things they say with her. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. I miss that the most. Just having her to chat with to pass a lazy afternoon. I miss you so much Mom. So much.

RIP Verna A. Bird. April 15th will be always be your day now. Until we meet again.

I'm not really so full of myself.

If I don't constantly remind myself that I'm a good person and deserving of good things in life I will be too busy convincing myself that everyone hates me and that I am as awful on the inside as I am ugly on the outside. It's uncomfortable to read that last post of affirmation. I take every little negative aspect of life personally and that day I was convincing myself that despite the lack of love some have for me, others are motivated and inspired by the person that I am.

I've lost a couple of friends this year. One friend was someone that I thought would be a friend forever. Our connection was a smash hit right from the very first encounter. The other was an old friend who really wasn't a friend at all. The relationship was keeping me stuck in the mud, a dead weight and a major distraction in my life so I closed that door myself, but the other door was shut in my face abruptly and nailed shut.

Ouch.

I know that leaving one relationship by the wayside was by far the best thing I've done for myself in a long time and since then, I have had more focus and happiness than I have had in YEARS! The other unfriending I saw coming a mile away but I'm still hurt by it. What have I done that could be so awful to warrant such a dumping. What was so deplorable that it couldn't have been talked through. But I guess that was the major difference between her and myself. I am capable of seeing human failings for just that, human failings. I make dumb choices all the time and even though I mean well, I don't always treat people exactly as they deserve in a moment of stress or anxiety and end up apologizing on a regular basis. But I'm getting better and trying harder than ever. I guess maybe that is why I'm such a tolerate person and will often sit silently through blatant disrespect before I will speak up for myself and say what is on my heart. I need to be liked that badly I guess.

Anyway, I am a tolerant woman and when I love you, I love you and there isn't much you could do that would make me want to nail our friendship to a cross. But that's just me.