Sometimes your light is too bright.

Not every one is going to buy what you're selling, but that's okay. In this process of helping others become fit and healthy, I imagine that there are people who can't handle the awesome that you're giving out. It has nothing to do with your awesome, and everything to do with the way they feel about themselves.

I have made people want to vomit a little in their mouth with the gifts I possess. It's hard for some to look at a positive light and see the good in it because they would rather focus on negativity and being unhappy. I don't wish to reside on that side of the fence anymore but it has come at a price at times. I am a sensitive and insecure in my weaker moments, but I'm growing. I'm starting to realize that happiness and being fruitful is a state of mind and has a lot to do with where your focus is.

I am in the middle of a life transformation and learning to let my light shine bright despite the bad that is out there in the world. Despite the jealousy and hatred that comes from people who do not wish to reach for something good.

For every one person that likes the darkness, there are a dozen who want to benefit from what you have to offer. That's not even considering the cloud that resides above your head when you choose to partake in that negativity. I promise to myself to stop trying to change the haters and put my hard work and effort into being something positive and helpful to the people who want to be supported and loved. It will come back to me in spades. If I give up on my dreams of helping others, they win. And I lose.

To hell with that philosophy. I'm so much happier in the winner's circle.

So much happier.

Up and at 'em!

How annoying to be woken up at 2:45 am by your brother who has found himself in jail once again. I sassed him and told him he was a dink for calling me in the middle of the night. What couldn't wait for the morning? Nothing. He just needed to be validated that he was still a good person even though he continuously makes poor decisions for himself. It's everyone's fault but his own. At one point, well, the last time he was in jail, I tried to reach out to him and be honest. I told him to get help and to better himself while he had the chance to do it, and had the chance to think. Within months of being released from jail he was up to his same old tricks and trades. All he ever does is make excuses and lie. It's sad and it makes it hard on all of us worrying if he's going to be okay. Just another alcoholic who won't face up to their problems in my family. How many we up to now?

I feel bad that he's having such a hard time kicking addiction. It doesn't have to be alcohol, it can be any substance that takes away the misery that is his reality. The pain he refuses to deal with. I wrote about this before. He's struggled, that's been taken into consideration by everyone. Haven't we all? I have climbed tough mountains in my day, only to reign queen on high once more several times. That's at least 40 times more than I care to think about. I struggle all the time with guilt from past mistakes and sadness from what was lost and cannot be restored. I struggle with substance abuse and keeping myself clear so I can make good choices. What other choice do we have but to learn from our mistakes and live in a better direction.

I love you Mike but now is the time. GET HELP!!

So he's back in jail and will stay there I imagine. He broke his probation this past December after going through a year's worth of unnoticed bad behavior. It's caught up with him because he can only run for so long.

I'll be so happy and relieved, as will we ALL when he stops running and faces his problems head on. He's a good person and deserves good things like anyone else. Just choose a better life Michael. We're all waiting for you.

So here I am at 5:20 am. It's almost time for my alarm and I was tired of spinning my wheels so I thought I'd share the latest crazy thoughts.

In other news, I have not called my aunt all week and I have not heard from her. I guess that would mean that mom is still waiting for her light. I feel guilty not to be more present in that situation but it's so difficult to face. I am not turning a blind eye, she's on my mind daily but I can't live in constant grief, I don't think she'd want me to.

I am going to have a long ass day. I'm yawning like crazy but of course can't shut my mind off. I made coffee and I hope that helps. I have a 5 mile hike planned for my friend and I this morning to start her day off right. It's her birthday!! I am looking forward to making it a good one.

Have a good day my friends. Chat again later.

Okay, so maybe it's time to grow up.

The past two weekends have been rather nice without the effects of the boozing I like to do on Friday or Saturday evenings. Don't get me wrong, I am not piss drunk and crazy. I like a nice evening out with friends, the hubby, or at home with some adult beverages. It just takes the sting out of the week. But the world seems a lot clearer without a hangover or the hankering for a drink to make me feel better. So maybe I'm growing up.

Other things could be contributing to this newly found inner peace. I dropped a Zumba class that was draining both my gas fund and my energy on Fridays. That was the best thing I've done in ages. Normally, I would suffer through something that was unpleasant until I cracked at the seems and broke a bridge or two. Is this another sign I'm growing up? WTF!!! I combined my ZumbAtomic (kids classes) groups also. Now we have just one class for 4-12 years of age and family members. Last Saturday was great, a nice mix of adults and kids dancing and having fun. I can see that growing with time and a little TLC. I'm excited about it again. I wasn't before.

I started a running group to help other people train for our local 5k in May. We had our first run together yesterday. It is nice to have a group of ladies support each other in this fitness world. It's not easy doing it alone. I am helping another girl on Monday nights as well. I want as much diversity as I can get these days, and if that means helping others without getting paid, that is okay because I think of it as 1.) good karma, and 2.) different workouts for myself, and 3.) more training and experience helping people with their fitness. So win, win all around and sometimes you just do things to help people because it's the right thing to do.

My husband purchased a new bike for my birthday present last month. I love it so much I'm not even upset that I got a flat the first time I took her out for a spin. I really enjoy it so much more than I thought I would. I'm starting another group for women who bike.

Why the hell not? I'm just trying to fill my life with good and then maybe I won't have time to get depressed.

Speaking of depressed. Last week was hard in terms of my mother. The more I talk to my aunt, the harder it is. She would love for us all to feel the stress and hurt she's going through as much as possible. She loves patting herself on the back and giving herself recognition. I tell her thank you all the time but I think she'd rather I take a full page add in USA Today or some fucking thing. I usually find myself crying throughout the day after I've talked to her. The guilt trips she takes you on are what's most difficult to deal with. I try to put it in terms of how MY mother would feel. The woman that I know and kept close with through my entire life would not want me to leave my husband and three young kids to rush to her side and watch her die. I need to keep that in my mind and nothing else. It's about her, not Diane. Mother's life is ending, not Diane's, although you would think it was both. She complains constantly about all she's sacrificed. Sacrifice....she knows little about. Sacrifice is putting everyone before yourself and not asking for anything in return. My mother is the one who sacrificed her whole life for others. Diane just wants us all to be at her mercy and control. She has written mom's obituary and won't even let me look at it. She has complete power of attorney over mom and won't let any of us have an opinion about it. It's all bullshit. Control freak.

Alright. I'll stop bitching now.



I miss my mom all the time. All the time.

It's just that time of year.

The time when I crawl into a hole and try to get through 28 days of hell, this year it was 29. February is one mean bitch and kicks my ass every year. It's no coincidence that I celebrate Valentine's Day, wedding anniversary, and my birthday all within those four short (loooooooong) weeks. It kinda sucks to have it all piled on top of the other and usually I'd say that I get the big old jiparooni but when I think hard about it...what would happen to me otherwise. The cake, the flowers, the cards, the presents....probably keep me from the funny farm. When I am independently wealthy, I am heading to Jamaica for February hell.

So you're wondering if my mom passed away, right? She is still hanging on by a thread, almost as if her suffering has to be drawn out so her family is okay with her heading into the Great Beyond. And we are all ready for her to be over the suffering and the pointless existence of her death bed. I just want her to be free. I could cry a river for myself but that isn't what this is about. Finally, at long last, I am at peace with losing my mother. My selfish ego, who refuses to quiet down is shouting otherwise but I'm trying not to feel pity for myself because it isn't productive or even fair to have that emotion given all that she's suffered and endured through her entire life.

I am grateful to her for loving me and keeping me safe even though she was my grandmother, not my mother. For raising me and clothing me and keeping me warm at night. I love her more than any other person on this earth sans my own children. Through that love, my grieving will be about saying good bye and letting go, not wishing for the outcome to be different. I take comfort knowing that I'll be able to talk to her when she's gone. She'll really hear me and know that I learned a lot from her. That all I ever wanted to do was make her proud of me, not to show off or be some sort of fancy pants that I often felt she thought I was doing when I tried to buy her a gift, or cook her a meal. I just wanted her to know that although I was not perfect or everything she would have liked me to be, I had paid attention to her and when I try to curb my less desirable habits, I try to be more like her in many ways. I'll never have the strength and incredible generosity that she had. She never complains even though she is always in considerable amounts of pain. She always gave even though she wasn't by any means wealthy enough to do so. I am forever in her debt.

I never know where I'm going when I write you know. I don't have a plan, or a structure, rhyme or reason. I just barf it all out on blogspot for the world to read if they choose. And I am terrified that someone I know will read it, except for a very select few people whom I trust with these incredibly vulnerable moments. It's okay for them to look in my window because I don't care what their going to think because I know they won't mock me and I wouldn't do it to them. And I love them for that.

So it's March now and I feel pretty happy this week. I'm coming out of my winter fog and it feels great. I've had a really productive couple of weeks which has been great for me. I needed to lift myself up in the worst way. I don't know where the shift came from but I have secret ideas, ideas I won't write about because my daughter now knows I have a blog and I'm terrified that she'll read it and find out her mother is crazy.

Speaking of, I have never considered her learning about things I have lived through and why I might be the person I am, some of which I've written in here. Let's hope I bore the living shit out of her before she searches too far into the archives.

Let's hope.

I'll try to get back here soon. I'm sorry for the long pause. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't. I appreciate that you come back though, considering it's such a bunch of crappy writing about the most random shit anyone could ever think of writing about. I can't believe anyone would even give it their time in the day but who am I to say what one person relates to. And with that I say.....catch ya later homies.