Purge.

The weather is definitely changing. I can't recall having an actual summer this year, it's as if we were living in Maine again. But I do welcome fall. Every single year I open my arms and embrace it with every ounce of energy. I had a short run this morning with the sun beating down but a chilly feel in the air that keeps you cool. I wish that autumn could just replace winter. As much as I love the north east, I think I may be better suited for a different climate. I always thought Monterey, California was a good place to live with even temps all year round. Maybe we'll settle there some day. Yeah, right.

Jamie is cleaning up our wood stove today, sealing new gaskets and adding new fire brick to replace the pieces that were falling apart. We still have about 3.5 cord of wood on our front lawn to pile, but what the hell ever. I am in no hurry to do it this year at all. Last year I piled nearly the whole thing by myself - that was with a newborn and breastfeeding. I think I was trying to lose baby fat and that motivated me but it didn't do jack shit for me.

Sydney has been making creative wreaths from the grapevines growing along our fence in the back yard. That girl has some serious talent when it comes to art. I am always in awe of her paintings she brings home from school. A few I have framed and more than a few I have set aside for frames. I just love her interpretations of animals, flowers and random shapes with bright colors. When I take the time to notice, watching her blossom into a young lady is invigorating. What a solid child she is. I did that! We did that together. In my opinion, there's a fine line between teaching your children to be honest, hardworking, productive members of society and completely fucking them up for life. I'm certain I teeter between the two regularly, but so far things are balanced pretty well. I have yet to hit peri-menopause, though I'm very close (I think?)and I will probably do some pretty psychotic things throughout those years of my life. We'll see...I'm pretty screwy hormonally speaking right now. I can't imagine what it will be like then.

Emily is talking, talking, talking. Sometimes she swears a little and I'm okay with that. What's life without a good cuss word. Abby is following suit and picking up words like crazy. They are fun to watch. A year from now they will be spitting out angry sentences in context to each other and I think that's going to be pretty awesome! Emily having someone other than myself to argue and fight with is a blessing. Abby is almost as big as her and she will be able to kick her ass into next week if she gets too out of line and I'll let her.

Nothing new, same old stuff, just a different day and we're all a little older. I am almost to a place where I feel like we might be able to enjoy something other than our kids and a good realty show. One of these days we're going to be able to actually go someplace without them and not worry incessantly about whether or not the babysitter is crying.

Little of this, little of that.

I made oatmeal banana cookies this morning. I love these cookies, all cake like and moist. Like a piece of banana oatmeal bread, only shaped like a cookie. A great pairing with a cup of green tea.

I've been gathering, foraging if you will, for winter. I've cleaned out drawers, filled them with long sleeves, jeans and tights, put the flannel on, made a few soups. Footie pajamas are plentiful and I've even cranked the furnace a morning or two. We are in the process of replacing parts to our stove, changing seals and making sure our wood is packed and ready for the chill. I'm always feverish this time of year. Ever anticipating the coming months.

The holidays are coming! That's always something that cheers my mood. A new countdown; I love countdowns! It always comes so quickly once school begins. We aren't traveling for Christmas this year and I am SO excited. I should really try to do it up big time in the house since we're going to be home. It will seem so magical to the little babies, and Syd too for that matter. I'm really looking forward to staying put. It's been a long time coming.

Speaking of school, Sydney is doing outstanding! That kid just loves her studies and tries her best no matter what. She's already devoured 5 books in just two weeks! We're very proud.

Jamie is less than two months from defending his thesis and will start his post doc here on December 1st! I cannot tell you the burden lifted knowing we will stay a bit longer. I was ready for a change but the money given to someone fresh out of grad school is small potatoes when compared to the cost of living in the areas that prestigious universities are located. Not that he has to have the best, but it makes sense to get a certain pedigree before you branch out on your own merit. He will learn a lot under his new boss. I'm very happy for his transition and the small raise that comes with it. He's very deserving, it's time for our family to arrive.

Still working out. I have to say that my pace was a bit ambitious and I started to feel like it was all work and no play. I'm going back to a routine that suits me and my family best. I'll get where I want to be, just in a happy way, a new way. I told you that I had to watch myself lest I fall down the slippery slope that is obsession. Besides, I got new videos and am very pleased with the outcome. I am so sore today that I'm taking a break and only doing my very low impact, more for fun, fitness class tonight. Important part being the class, I'm getting INVOLVED. Baby steps you guys. I'm a hermit since going through 18 months of pregnancy and 18 months of infancy. I had no business going any damn where with that big belly and breastfeeding in public wasn't my favorite thing. It's been a slow start.

In other news, Emily has found, and is fond of her vaginah. That's all I got to say about that. Though the potty training has been very positive over all! Very happy about the decrease in excrement in our trash bags.

Sydney got UGGS! I'm freaking serious! And jealous. She also shaved her legs for the first time. That's all I've got to say about that.

Abby has gotten down right skinny. Okay, so not skinny, we'll call it just above average vs. borderline obese! Kid had some serious chunk. I'm both happy and sad to see it go. Her clothes are fitting her better and she looks more comfortable climbing, but it means she's not going to be a baby much longer. She's the last of 'em. How fleeting time really is.

So there you have it. A little of this, a little of that.

My quest to fit and healthy.

The past three years have been trying to say the least. When I look at the whole, I have no idea how I made it to where I'm at right now. I could only deal with one itty bitty slice at a time. Back to back pregnancies has swallowed the first quarter of my thirties. Whether I liked it or not, I was on this ride and I was not the driver. I am grateful for my babies but growing and nursing two babies one after the other is a daunting task. When it was all over I was left a gooshy, overweight, overtired and over stimulated mess. It wasn't pretty.

In January I bottomed out. One moment in particular really hit hard. I was going out shopping with Sydney and wearing my kinda fat jeans and my soft mommy tummy was spilling over the top and my once baggy sweater wasn't so roomy anymore. I just wanted to cry I was so miserable. I probably did cry when I got to a quiet place where Sydney couldn't see her mother's anguish over her dilapidated post partum figure.

I needed a change and I knew that it wasn't going to happen on its own. I had to make a commitment to myself to start taking steps to change what was making me unhappy or shut up and get fatter.

One baby step at a time, I started a workout regime. It wasn't easy fitting it in, mostly because my habits and behaviors had to change drastically. I had to discipline myself to keep going, to keep myself from the couch when the opportunity to exercise presented itself and to do it consistently. One 45 minute workout wasn't going to burn the fat from two pregnancies. This was going to require some deeper digging.

For a long time I didn't see the scale budge more than 5 lbs. That was a grueling 5 lbs to lose too, it didn't just melt off me like I had hoped. My portion control was non-existent and I was still snacking on little things throughout the day which is ultimately what was holding me back. Three goldfish here, a sliver of cheese there, oh this one handful of buttery popcorn can't hurt, can it? Think again.

I am constantly feeding children all day long, children who eat 15 tiny meals a day because they need constant fuel to grown and develop. Do you know how hard it is to keep your fingers off their plates? It's not just about the food temptation, it's burned in my brain to keep from wasting it, which if you've ever fed a child you know that they eat maybe 1/3 of the modest portion you gave them. Even today I have all I can do to throw Emily's cereal in the trash or to sacrifice the crusts from their grilled cheese at lunch! I hate throwing it out but I couldn't pretend that the calories didn't count because clearly they did.

I kept at it though, slowly changing little things about each day and didn't give up just because I wasn't seeing major changes, or if I had a bad day/week. I continued even though some days I felt like a failure because I didn't log enough time sweating it out. My knees got sore, my routine was getting old and the winter was long. Boy, was it ever long.

Eventually, I started to feel how firm my legs were getting and that my clothes were fitting differently. My fat jeans fit me now and there was NO SPILLAGE! Jamie was noticing too if you know what I mean. It was little things like that which motivated me and I also began rewarding myself with new clothes or something else I wanted besides food.

There were times when I didn't work as hard as I needed to but 9 months later I'm still workout out. I am down 20 lbs and as strong as I was 10 years ago just before I got pregnant with Sydney. Last week I ran 22 miles and logged 3 hours of video. I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. I find myself excited for the end of the day when Jamie gets home so I can sweat it out. I challenge myself to see what I can accomplish instead of contemplating how little I can do and still log in a workout. My knees don't hurt anymore because they're strong. I'm strong. And I love it!

One aspect of this that has empowered me greatly is that my hard work has motivated others to push themselves. And it's their pushing that helps me continue to push myself as well. We're all pushing hard together and debunking those myths that tell us we're not capable of being fit because it's too hard or too much work. We're surprising ourselves with moments of success and smaller jeans. We're doing it because we are worth the effort, not just to look good but to feel good. We are getting strong and healthy and learning a new way of life - a better way of life.

Working out isn't a quick fix to a fit body. Neither is a diet where you deprive yourself of food your body needs to thrive. It's a lifestyle you have to adopt. A change you have to make permanently and to understand that it happens gradually not immediately.

So this is my story - my journey thus far in getting a piece of myself back. I'm still working hard to get where I want to be and then maybe I'll slow down and do a maintenance schedule. Or maybe I won't because maybe I want to be better than before, maybe I want to run a race or three. Maybe I want to complete a marathon one day. Who knows. I'm not boxing myself in to any commitments but I'm not closing my mind off to possibilities either. So yeah. I'm feeling pretty awesome about that.