Wow, April has flown by. I am approaching a huge mile stone in a few weeks. Abby is having her first BIRTHDAY!! Can you even imagine a year has gone by already ? I sure can't. What a whirlwind it's been with two in diapers. Emily has been blooming into a naughty. little toddler and Abby's infancy basically slipped through my tired fingers.

All difficulties aside, can I say, in writing, just how freaking adorable my family is? How did this even happen (well, aside from the obvious)? I think back on the last three years and wonder if I was even present? When and who, huh? Who are these children and why are they clinging to my pant leg crying "Mama!'

And three girls. Who gets three girls? I suddenly find myself in a position to work harder, try harder, with no faking my way through it once. I've got to do this three times, I had better pay attention to Sydney. Thank lemons that I have her to help usher me through the thresh hold of premenstrual teens. Can you say O M G? I can't even imagine the payback I am owed. Every time I nag on any issue, I may as well be lecturing my own pre-teen self. The similarities are spooky.

So that's one big day. There are other celebrations ahead of us. In the midst of all the crisis I have in my extended family, my own family is about to achieve a major personal goal. I say family because it involved all of us in small and big ways. We all made changes and sacrifices for Jamie to pursue his doctorate. I am so pleased for him to be reaching the end of that road and start his career. This grueling process is almost behind him and he will soon be able to relax and start to flourish and do what he does best. Think. I am so proud to be his wife and I look forward to watching him fulfill his dreams. He still has a little climbing left to do to establish himself in his field but he's gonna be GREAT!

I do wish that I knew where we were moving but I wouldn't be surprised if we stayed put for a couple more years. It seems like the most logical thing to do at this point. I guess when I know more, which will hopefully be soon, I'll blog. All this excitement! What is a girl to do with it all?

Stay tuned......

Where're we going?

Still.Don't.KNOW!!

I'm starting to get nervous. J is scheduled to graduate in Aug/Sept and still no job. Still no direction. Still no planning to do. More like a waiting. A stand still.

I'm over it. The word between us is try to get a post doc here because moving seems rather overwhelming in light of him writing and defending his thesis, selling a house, and packing a family of FIVE plus cat and dog.

I can't even really think about it in great length or detail lest I get really pissed off that my entire life revolves around SOMEONE ELSE'S DESTINY!! Even if it is my choice to do so. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!

Wishing Well

I'm pulling out any and all karmic favors I may have hovering over me because now is the time. This cancer talk is morbid and scary and makes me want to put my head under the covers and pretend that it isn't happening but reality strikes every time.

His scenario isn't as bleak as originally thought. I had him dead by summer's end. That is a horrible thing to think or say but in the business he's currently in - realistically, but with a whole shit ton of optimism, is the only way to deal with cancer. Doctors and Scientists have made strides in treating cancer and his lucky stars were aligned because he is being treated in Canada.

So...universal health care. You know, a lot of people will talk about how this particular system doesn't work and how people are slipping through cracks - one being my step-father, honestly speaking. I admit, people do fall through the cracks but I would dare say ours are bigger. People in non-emergency situations may not have the best of care but at least they're receiving care. People are refused treatments here if they can't pay for them, even though they're readily available. What's that tell you? My mother would be bankrupt and dead if she had been treated in the U.S., and subjected to our healthcare system. I am not even kidding. Her surgery was performed by a cutting edge surgeon and even then, he had not removed a tumor of that size to date. It would have been considered exploratory here, I imagine, and most likely, not covered.

The prognosis for Brent is looking a lot better, though I think he's having a tough time with the thought of adjusting to the new lifestyle he will need to adopt. The liver cancer is there but might be able to be contained. Apparently they are hoping the radiation/chemo will shrink the size of the cancer, and the specialists in Halifax (where my mom was treated) will have a chance at cutting it out. If they can do that, his liver can re-grow and maybe his chances of survival are a lot higher than we thought, which is great news!!

So I'm standing at the wishing well, throwing in all my pennies and praying that the cancer is treatable. I don't want to see him fade away into nothing before he even turns 50. I don't want this for my mom, who has been having the decade of her life fighting to live. She needs him. We all do. I might not have always felt bonded with my step-father - it's a difficult bond to initiate when you've never had a father. But I love him - for her, if nothing else.

Outcome

My step-father's surgery went well, as expected. They got all of his cancer from his bowel and managed to keep him from having an external waste bag hanging from his side. Thankfully! The kicker is, he has liver cancer, confirmed. They aren't sure the extent his liver has suffered, but less than they had initially thought. Good news is he might die later as opposed to summer. No one is saying this out loud but unless I'm mistaken, he's going to die from this. I don't want to be so matter of fact about it, but the prognosis of most liver cancer patients is not good.

Cancer sucks. I'm in denial and angry about this right now. I'm just not open to this sort of morning right now. Later.

I sound horrible.

Update

Long time no talk in here lately. I attempt posts from time to time but an interruption is always imminent. I'm holding my breath at this moment, wondering when E will need assistance of some kind. Three kids plus three daycare kids equals a lot of effin' kids and I am swamped every afternoon and mornings are well, mornings.

The babies nap on opposite schedules. One would think this was crazy, but no matter combinations I play with, a simultaneous nap is rare lately. It will correct itself eventually, and I'm nearly half way through this sleep deprived era of my life. If I'm being honest, the extra one on one I get with them makes up for never getting much time to myself. As I said, there are a lot of buggers running around here after 2 pm, so they could use some extra mama.

I am in shock that A's first year is nearly over. It's been a whirlwind, to say the very least. Jamie and I have been walking around like freaking zombies anymore it seems. We're always losing an hour here, an hour there. A restful night is more of a tease than anything else, it happens that often. But didn't you hear? Good news!! I'm nearly half way through this era of sleep deprivation!

But I digress.

My extended family, sisters/brother/mom, received some shitty news, if I do say so myself. My step father, the husband of my mom who just endured 5 years fighting cancer, has cancer. Colon and liver. It's not going to be pretty. I guess I'll know more tomorrow after he has 3/4's of his bowel removed and they can get a better look. Chemo for sure, if that's even an option - or worth the effort of getting it. We don't know the actual stage yet, or they aren't sharing with us kids. Either way, we'll know more tomorrow.

I don't understand why this is happening to them. Sometimes life isn't fair, I guess. What other explanation can you even come up with? I'm speechless and I don't know what to expect, but I can read and I've researched enough to know that liver cancer is bad. Very, very bad.

Hasn't my mom lost enough already? When does the shit start rolling down someone else's hill, because frankly? We've had our fill.....not that I want any shit to roll anywhere. I would prefer it just stop.

So that's all I have to say about that. I'm a little angry right now and not sure what to think/feel. I'll post more when I know more.

And now the interruptions begin....so I'm publishing and probably not going to look for errors. So sue me.