I held it together.

But it wasn't easy. I'm still dealing with sleep issues and will for a while I imagine. At least in the infant department. It's so tempting to just transition her over to formula and take a huge responsibility off my shoulders. Bf'ing isn't all roses and rainbows all day. But then I would miss out on the special moments and also giving her the best of the best. So I continue because I know it will get easier and because I know six months will have passed and my contribution will start to be less and less as time goes on and all will be right with the world. It has already been nearly two months. What's a few more?

The company did exactly as I thought. They entered through the front door, parked their asses on the couch and just sort of annoyed me for 36 hours or so. The mess was as expected but I buffered that with a big shopping spree for me and Abby on Saturday. I needed new clothes to get through the frumpy stage that I'm in right now. I've lost 30ish lbs of my 35ish I gained during pregnancy but you know how that goes. It's all a little squishier than it was before. I was very kind to myself and it felt good to do that since it happens so rarely.

I didn't kill anyone or even swear at them with a crazed look upon my face. It wasn't easy either. They both sat down at my table Friday night with an empty setting in front of them and I just sort of looked at them both like they had lost their fucking minds. They got the hint to get up and fix their own dinner plates rather quickly.

Bish, plz. I have better things to do.

Seriously.

The woman of their house complains continuously about the lack of appreciation at her house and all I can say to that is.....YOU CREATED YOUR OWN MONSTERS. Woman has three boys and a husband. She isn't doing the world any favors catering to their lazy asses either. I feel for their future slaves wives.

I know I'll survive this phase. I remember it well with Emily. You muddle through, drag your feet, swear at your husband and eat more sweets than little debbie. It's just so hard when you're knee deep. So I vent here because it's better than saying it out loud. Go figure, announcing to the world on the internets is easier than calling my sister and bitching for an hour. All I can say is that once in a while a good world wide declaration is just what a postpartum mum needs to make her feel better.

Even my dreams are crazy.

I am in a nightmarish sleep deprivation phase with both my little girls right now. E is cutting her last couple of teeth and has stayed true to form and woken up at 3 am for the past few days. A is hitting her gassy phase and I've been busy soothing and calming her for hours on end in the evenings and through the night. I have maybe slept 15 or so hours all week long.

Last night I had a dream that E somehow managed to hop on a 10 speed (I know, I'm fucking crazy) and was gliding down a hill fast as hell and about to crash into whatever was at the bottom. I ran so fast to get her but couldn't reach her no matter how hard I tried. Finally someone coming in the opposite direction grabbed her after I pleaded for his help and stopped her just in time. Meanwhile I'm hearing A's cries and I can't remember where I put her. I'm searching and searching and searching to no avail. There are women around me running through the house trying to help me find her. All of them were looking at me disapprovingly for losing my baby. When I do find her she is under a blanket in her crib and her nose has turned black. I remember feeling like she was just that close to death, hence the black nose.

When J arrives it's as if it were any other normal day and I'm retelling the peril that hit our house, yet again, today. His distance is astounding, blank and empty. There is nothing there. No empathy, no concern. Just a blank stare with little conversation. I'm standing next to him in the kitchen hoping that her nose turns pink by morning.

I can only take this dream one way. I feel completely out of control right now and disconnected from J. I know it is temporary and normal for women to feel helpless in the post baby stages, especially when you are going on little to no sleep. It just shook me a bit and was hard to come back from. Probably because I was in bed and midnight and up at 3, 4, and 5 am. After that I dozed on the couch off and on until the day demanded my attention.

J's father and teenage brother are coming for a visit to see the kids and supposedly help out. I anticipate a huge mess, me doing all the work and a major freak out by Sunday. If I don't hit the booze tonight it will be amazing. I'm am not in a good place and he has no business coming here without his wife to help me manage their bull shit.

Can you tell I'm not happy about this?

Anyway, before I get myself into a deeper hole I'll shut up. Thinking about it makes me cry and I can only deal with one minute at a time. Projecting only makes it worse. But I effing swear, if they don't pile that big load of wood on my front lawn I will not let them hold the baby. No fucking way.

Worth celebrating.

It's quite a milestone we've reached here at Hagarman House. I'm proud to say, whilst knocking on wood, that E is sleeping through the night. This past month has been glorious. She has slept so well and I do believe that we have finally gotten over the hurdle.

To say that it has been a difficult 19 months is an understatement when it comes to her sleeping habits. The kid just wouldn't sleep regularly. We would have a few good nights followed by 10 bad and sometimes very, very, very bad. We would trade off and take shifts and slowly roll out of bed to a dreaded two or three hour hiatus at 1 am. There wasn't much choice, it was get up or listen to three hours of crying. Not joking.

So we are happy and still very gingerly knocking on some wood because we're afraid to claim victory in case defeat rears its ugly face at us in protest. Now all we have to do is get Baby A to sleep and we're in business.

We'll see about that one.

Happy Father's Day

To my wonderful guy.

The one who was made to raise daughters.

The one who puts all his girls before himself.

He's just that sweet, he's just that tender, he's just that selfless.

He's just the greatest father I know.

I'm voting REPUBLICAN!!

YESIREE BOB!!

And then there were three....

Three little souls in desperate need of care, guidance, teaching, loving and nurturing. I only have two arms. It wasn't easy before, now I can't even imagine a week or a month from now because everything is moment to moment. A plan is pointless for now and I am finding myself dreaming of 3 years from now because I feel like the next few I'm committed.

The living moment to moment isn't necessarily a horrible thing. I do believe it's something I've needed to work on and still do since I am doing so much of the dreaming. Forget tomorrow, we're dealing with today. Tomorrow, after all, is always tomorrow and I need to focus and make the most of what I have right now. Regret is such a wasteful emotion. Why let it make an appearance in the first place. Coulda, shoulda, woulda sort of thing.

I tell myself all the time that their childhood is such a small part of their lives. Their babyhood even smaller. So enjoy the neediness, constant noise and the invading of every part of my existence. They belong to me. I made them. I need to enjoy them before they don't need me quite so much. Of course by then, it will be me needing them.

One thing's for sure.....

Baby loves to sleep.

And she has tiny little feet.

And have I mentioned that she sleeps a lot?

Because she does. She sleeps practically all day and all night with the exception of a few wakey wake times and a few feeding times and a diaper change here and there. It's apparent that the mere thought of crying tires the poor baby out. So she just sleeps like this instead.

One thing I have noticed is my love for my other baby. Because E is still very much a baby to me. I can't seem to get enough of her toothy grin and her devilish smirks as she peels the skin off all my onions and throws her toys in the garbage. Maybe it is because I feel better every day and not being pregnant is such a blessing. I can fit her on my lap again and snuggle her on the couch and watch Elmo 500 times if that is her heart's desire....I just love this baby so much, and even though Miss Abby is my darling little newborn, Miss Emily has stolen my heart and I don't want to miss out on a single moment of her toddler days. This is the cream of their babyhood, the part where they entertain you for hours and hours by simple things like giggling, spinning in circles and falling down, kicking a ball....all the things that they are capable of and are more than happy to prove. So.....I am relieved that Baby sleeps and sleeps and sleeps because I'm getting to spend some quality days with my other baby, who still needs her mama very much and her mama needs her, too!