You wouldn't believe the year I've had.

And it's funny....because one year ago I was dreaming of my own fitness studio.  Today, I'm in Maine, not teaching at all and I'm hanging onto my own fitness by a thread. 

I'm doing it but I'm not inspiring a soul, least of all myself.  I'm keeping at it a little every day, each week....skipping a day here and a day there for whatever reason but a far cry from the condition I was in the beginning of summer. 

I'm broken right now.  I know what to do, but I can't seem to drag myself up from the ashes to do it. 

I've had quite a difficult 6 months.  I can't even speak of it all here because it's so incredibly private and still something I can't talk about.  Every time I do try and talk about it, it's difficult for people and they have a hard time understanding it and it makes them very uncomfortable. 

And then there is the part where Dee (my birth mom) has a return fight with cancer and loses.  We buried her the beginning of October, right smack dab in the process of our move home.  I wanted to be close and hoped for a few months.  I wanted 6 months.  And I wanted to be here when she was at her worst to support her and my sisters.  She died before I could get here. 

And I'm picking up all the pieces of this summer and trying to put them back together but the puzzle has changed.  So I have to figure everything out again and either give up on the goals I had and get a job like the rest of the world, or I have to start again and make a name for myself.  I've already been shot down by the only facility who even offers Zumba classes.  Since, at the moment, that's all I'm qualified to do.  So.....I have to find another venue or keep pushing myself into the YMCA and hope that eventually something opens up for me.  In the meantime, I should be listening to new music and gathering new songs and practicing my old.  But I'm struggling.  I get excited one day and a door closes. 

This town is much larger than my previous home.  If I can get my hands on a space, or a class of my own in a gym....someplace.....it will snow ball.  But it's up to me to be focused and define my goals.  But also I have to define myself a little clearer and be more disciplined if I want to succeed.

I should be in here writing.....even though it's jumbled and you have no clue where I'm at.....it's okay. 

I do.